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Absolute Exception

She Got Me Going (Absolute Exception)

My life is in extreme high definition
My lady, my love with no definition
My heart doesn't need any explanation
My yesterdays are in no comparison
to what is going on in my present
do I dwell on the future?
My dreams are constant in pure perfection
Her face is what I see when I look in my heart's reflection
I'm gone
So far gone,
Every rule of mine she bypassed with absolute exception

Love has not been on my side
I'm scared
Terrified of it's past deception
There is no guide, manual or list of instruction
It's all up to my discretion
Good riddance to my hesitation
I'm gone
So far gone
Every rule of mine she bypassed with absolute exception

My mind clouded with fear
My eyes full of tears
Still I stay focused on our destination
My heart is one step ahead of the game
Dialed out and made that reservation
Table for two under the stars
our beauty overcast by candle light
Staring at the best things made under God's creation
I'm gone
So far gone
Every rule of mine she bypassed with absolute exception

I do not speak the language of forever
I speak in the language of logic
In the name of reality
I fight against love to keep my sanity
You're now apart of my knowledge
Something I'll never forget
Our hearts clocks are set
Hoping that this love bomb never offsets
But it will
Will we survive the blast
Will you be a mere thing of my past
Will the healing process be slow or fast
I'll hold your hand even through the crash
If we part
It's because you let go
Don't let go
We're gone
So far gone
Every rule we've bypassed with absolute exception

Published by: T. Nicole © 2008

Nikki Part 3 - AGAIN

Nikki Part III
It had been three weeks since I planned to take my life and Nikole Seasons, who calls herself Nikki, indirectly saved me from doing so. Come to find out she came to me by way of my old college roommate, Bobbie Kees. I have received many referrals from tons of clients, family members, and friends, but none of them can hold a candle to Nikole Seasons. She is absolutely flawless; standing about 5 feet 9 inches, golden caramel complexion, and tight oval shaped eyes, full luscious lips with perfect teeth to match. She was gorgeous on the outside; with a body that could bring any woman or man to their knees. However, on the inside there seemed to be a million volcanoes erupting all at once. Let’s face it, she is a mess! The day she showed up on my doorstep she ended up staying for three hours. She totally helped me escape my own issues. Usually in cases of emergencies I charge double by the hour, but I couldn’t convince myself to take her money even if I wanted to. I was for sure in no need of it. I had been blessed to be named the top psychologist with the most clients in my office. So having one case on the house was no problem.

It took her quite some time to warm up to me, and that is definitely understandable, because I was a complete stranger. Here she was in my living room attempting to empty her mental space and place it in my hands. I told her to take her time and only share as much information with me that she felt comfortable to. There were a few moments of silence, and during these times I took the time to look at her. She was indeed a well groomed woman; youthful with a sense of elegance that I hadn’t encountered before. There was no doubt that this woman took pride in herself and her appearance. I have known women like this to be someone who uses their physical beauty to cover up the mental bruises they portray. All those insecurities that lie within them. I could not help but to wonder would she be just like the rest of those women as I sat there tracing the frame of her perfectly sculptured body.

“I know you must think I’m crazy and I sincerely want to extend my apologies once again for showing up on such short notice.” She said with her eyes plastered to the pants of her white business suit. She looked up at me with such remorse, and my heart instantly went out to her. “It’s just that lately I have been struggling with so many emotions that I knew if I didn’t talk to someone soon I would completely lose it.”

“Well, I am glad that you decided to speak to someone. Most people don’t recognize the dangers of stress, and don’t act on their problems until something traumatic occurs. So kudos to you for that.” I sat there feeling so unprepared. I know I should have had my legal pad and recorder in front of me, but I didn’t want to make her more uncomfortable than she already was. I would have to wing this one, and depend on my memory alone. “So what exactly have you been struggling with lately Nikole? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“Oh Dr. Washington! My life has made a complete 360 in the past two months. Things weren’t perfect, but they were manageable. I had a wonderful career, a healthy bank account, a loving family, great friends, and the world was at my fingertips. I did not break when I lost the biggest case of my career. I didn’t break when my house burned down with everything that I owned inside. I didn’t break when my childhood friend of 31 years sexually assaulted and raped me. I didn’t break when I found out I was pregnant with his child. It wasn’t until my other half, my sanity; my identical twin sister took her life.” Tears were streaming down her face by this time. I felt a lump in my throat as well, because this was a ton of misery for just one person to take on.

I walked over to my fireplace and grabbed the box of Kleenex and handed them to her. “I can see how all of this would break you Nikole. I honestly wouldn’t know how to handle so much at one time myself. You prove to be a very strong woman.”

“I was raised to be strong, and to never let anything or anyone cause me to fall on my face. I was taught that every hurdle can be jumped no matter how high. But when I walked into my sister’s condo and saw her hanging from the banister of her staircase, I fell flat on my face.” She wiped her nose and dried her face. “I lost it that day. And the world that I once had, ended.”

“I know that you mentioned you and your sister were close. Were you aware of any problems that she might’ve had that would make her take her life?” I asked, as I sat there marinating in my own guilt. I felt so selfish and horrible for what I was about to do one second before this woman knocked on my door. I sat there looking at how miserable she was. Look at how much sorrow was in her life now that her sister was gone. I couldn’t imagine taking my best friend and family through this type of pain.

“She was a free spirit. She lived her life on the edge, and this was something that I was always envious of. I was the one who always had to have such a structured life, and I worried about everything. She spent most of her days trying to get me to loosen up. That’s why I don’t understand why she would kill herself!” she laid her head on the back of my couch and stared at the ceiling for quite some time. I wanted to interject, but I decided against it. “Her and my parents didn’t get along. She always jokingly said that if she were to die, they wouldn’t care, because all they cared about was me anyway. I never took her seriously on this matter, because mom and dad loved her.”

“How do your parents feel now? What were their conditions after the…funeral?” Speaking of death with my clients was something that I wasn’t comfortable with. I was trained not to hesitate in any of my words and deliverance when dealing with clients, but sometimes it is hard. I took a deep breath and awaited her response.

“Well my mother was a wreck. I knew it was more guilt than anything. My dad didn’t show much emotion. He didn’t cry at her funeral, but when he speaks of her now the sorrow in which he feels seeps through his pores. I know they both feel bad for the relationship they chose to have or not have with her, but now it’s too late.” She rubbed her stomach. “It’s too late for a lot of things…”

“Lots of things like what?” I asked.

“Once I finally came to grips with the fact that I had life growing inside of me, it was too late.” She started to cry again. “I hated that life at first. I selfishly only thought about me and I just knew that my career would be jeopardized because of this “curse” that was placed inside of me.” She shook her head back and forth. “He showed me. God has made me pay for my thoughts. He allowed me to grow to love the child within me and then He took it away from me!”

“Did you miscarriage?” I asked.

“Yes.” She said with a light chuckle. She dabbed her eyes dry again. “And here I was so worried about the baby ruining my career, and I lost the biggest case of my career on my own!” She looked back up to the ceiling and yelled, “I hear you loud and clear! I get it!”

“Nikole, I don’t know if you are a religious woman, but I must say that I don’t believe God does anything to purposely hurt us. Things happen in our lives that are meant to teach us a lesson, but Satan is the cause of all evil. I don’t think that God took the lives of your sister and your unborn child.” I hope that I didn’t overstep the code of ethics by dabbling too much into the whole religion thing.

“Maybe you’re right. Perhaps all of this was just mapped into my life’s timeline and design. Who knows? I just want to know how the hell am I going to get through this one with all my marbles still accounted for, you know?” She rhetorically asked.

“Yes, I know. Like I said earlier, it is quite apparent that you are a very strong woman with a great deal of common sense. I know that this is indeed a very high hurdle to jump and I am here to help you whenever you need it. Don’t hesitate to call me when you feel the need to. Besides, any friend of Bobbi’s is a friend of mine”, I smiled at her hoping to bring some light into her world as impossible as I thought it was at the moment.

To my surprise she smiled back. “I do thank you again Dr. Washington for allowing me into your home and listening to me spill my guts.” She laughed. “I don’t want this to be the last time that we speak and I know that I will need more than just this one session.” She reached into her purse and handed me her business card. “Please give me a call at my office so that we can set up something more legit and professional so to speak. I know your services aren’t free. In fact, here you go.” She reached into her purse and pulled out a hundred dollar bill. “Please take this, because I can’t leave here without paying you for just listening to me. You have no idea how much was lifted off of me just venting out to you.”

I pushed her hand away. “I will not accept your monies Nikole. You came here on behalf of a very dear friend of mine. I couldn’t possibly charge you for this. Let’s just consider this one on the house.” I winked as I got up from my love seat. “We will indeed set up regular appointments for you to attend at my office. Then I’ll have to take your money,” I laughed. We both headed for the door. “Well thank you for allowing me to listen to you today Nikole, and please expect my call sometime tomorrow afternoon.” I said opening the front door so she could depart.

“Please call me Nikki, Dr. Washington. I look forward to hearing from you tomorrow. Enjoy the rest of your evening.” She said walking out into the darkness of the night to her car.

I did call her the next day to set up our first appointment which is scheduled for today. I got in touch with Bobbie a couple days after my first encounter with Nikki. Now that she and I are well off into our separate lives and careers we don’t have much time for one another now days. Every blue moon we get together for lunch just to catch up on times that have slipped by us. It is always an enjoyable occasion and a pleasure to see how successful my friend has become. However, this last occasion was quite different. Everything was going well until I mentioned her name. The name of the woman who seems to become more and more mysterious with every thought that she steals in my mind. When I spoke the name of Nikole Seasons you would’ve thought Bobbie had seen a ghost. Needless to say our lunch date was cut short that day. I am curious to know why and I will find out sooner than later.

Published by: T. Nicole © 2008

Cliff Hangers

I revealed in my other blog that I'm reading Midnight by Sister Soulja. Not feeling it too much, but there was this line in chapter 32 that stuck out to me. It stuck out, because it's something that always seems to happen to me.

"I wondered if she even needed me to participate in this conversation. It seemed like she could ask me all the questions in the world, but was too jumpy to listen for my answers. Or maybe she didn't want any answers, I don't know." - Sister Soulja; Midnight

Please remove your heads from your asses people. Okay, maybe that was a rather harsh way to start off my opinionated rant on the subject matter. I just don't understand how people can go through life and not actually sit back and listen. I mean really listen. Listen with all of themselves, and I donʼt just mean with their ears. More so their minds and their hearts; our ears are just a bonus if you ask me. How can one spew the words I love you, and don't pay attention long enough to the person they claim to love? Isn't that like a contradiction in action? I believe so. I'll say this, I let artificial things, be exactly what they are.

It's said that I am too quiet, too reserved, too uptight, too technical, too mechanical, too organized, and too judgmental. Well, I couldn't give TWO fucks. Okay, maybe that was too harsh as well; I apologize. Like the quote reads, I just know a one sided conversation when I hear one. There is no need for me to waste my precious words and/or thoughts on you if I already know that you won't be attentive enough to listen. I know I'll be cut off for some random bullshit before I reach the ladder part of my sentence. I respect that everyone will not be interested in the things I have to say, but donʼt play yourself and tell me that you want to learn who I am, and you don't even show up to class. You're failing with flying colors.

The character Midnight truly reminds me of myself. He's different, and couldn't fit in if he tried. He always stands out, not in a fashionable sense, but in a mental sense, in his demeanor, and in his traditional ways. He's foreign. I was born right here in the United States of American, and I find myself feeling foreign to the ways of the American people. I was born into a religion and family that taught me to not blend in. It taught me to listen beyond what the ear canal can grasp and to see with my mind's eye. I have been mingling with people all of my life, that I knew didn't understand me. They took me to be just like them, but the handful of people that actually took the time out to listen to me quickly learned just how different I am. Just how out of the ordinary that I am. They were not too jumpy to catch on. Sometimes engaging with a person like me is like playing at the edge of a cliff. Jumpy people do exactly that; JUMP OFF! Damn, I wonder if I looked over the edge of my cliff, exactly how many bodies would I see stacked?

It's funny how the only thing some people hear is goodbye. They donʼt hear anything before the word. They donʼt even hear your footsteps moving toward the door. They are so stuck on themselves they donʼt feel their hands on your back pushing you toward that door leading to the final word. Oh how was my day? Oh, you didn't ask me that. Oh how am I doing today? You didnʼt ask that either. What makes me tick? Good question, too bad you didn't ask me that one either. Hold on for a second. Well, I've been holding on this entire conversation, because obviously you aren't even talking to me, but yourself. What am I thinking? If I begin to tell you will you sink or will you swim in my words?

Your feet are dangling baby, you're hanging off the edge of this cliff about to plunge to what seems like your destiny in the world of me. It all makes me realize that I'm just a temporary fix for some folks permanent flaws.

Nikki Part 2 - AGAIN

Nikki Part II

Why can't things ever go my way when it comes to love? Why can't I meet the perfect woman for me? Who am I fooling? I realize that nobody is perfect, but damn for the past ten years of my life I have been striking out big time when it comes to the so called department of love. I have been walked on, spit on, cheated on, and taken full advantage of; I am truly sick of it. Am I under some type of evil curse? I know that I'm not an easy woman to get along with, but give me a break! Somebody is bound to be out there that knows how to handle a woman like me. I thought I found her, especially after I gave her the best part of me; which was my everything!

"Don't worry yourself to death about this Denise. You are much too strong of a woman to be sulking behind some lost love". This, coming from the mouth of my best friend of twelve years. Cassandra has been in my corner through thick and thin. Every good and bad point in my life, she was there. So her opinion is one that I value very deeply, but she was also the most cynical person I knew as well. She has never been in love unconditionally. So her opinion on this matter was biased. "Why are people so hung up on love anyway?" she asked. "I mean, if you ask me, love is highly overrated. My heart is much too valuable to be giving it away all willy nilly"! She exclaimed.

"Cassie please! This is not what I need right now. I really just want to be depressed in peace. I gave this woman the past seven years of my life and for her to just walk away as if I were nothing, makes me feel like crap. So if you'll excuse me, I need to be alone." I said, attempting to give her an invitation out of my house. When she found out that Kelli had left me earlier that day, she hurried to be by my side. Equipped with cheesecake and a big tub of French vanilla Blue Bell ice cream. Whenever we suffer from any type of heartache, we retreat to our Golden Girl therapy session. Cassie truly did know how to cheer me up and I appreciate all of her attempts today, but it's just not working this time. Stick a fork in me, because Denise Washington is finally done.

"So you're kicking me out?" she asked obviously catching on to my hint.

"Yeah girl I'm sorry, but I'm just not in the mood to talk anymore." I said getting up from my favorite cream colored recliner.

"Well due to the circumstances, I will show you empathy and leave you be, but you better call me the moment you feel up to talking to me. Okay?" she was already at the door waiting for my response. I smiled slightly, because my friend is such a beautiful woman. I loved everything about her; I just couldn't help but to smile every time I was in her presence. Sometimes I hated that she had that effect on me.

"Okay, I promise." We exchanged hugs and kisses on the cheek and she was gone. When I closed my front door my world started to shrink by the millisecond. I knew that it was taking all of me to keep my composure in front of Cassie, and I am glad she left when she did, because I couldn't hold it any longer. I broke down to my knees right in the foyer of my little two story red brick home. My heart was aching something terrible and I thought for a moment that I might be having a heart attack. I grabbed my chest as it tightened and I began to sweat profusely. At that point I didn't care if I died or not, so I didn't bother thinking about dialing 911. What was the point of me living? The love of my life was gone with no good reason at all. She was my everything and my life is nothing without her. No one would really care if I were to leave this earth today. My place in this world is non-existent. I literally felt my heart breaking in two as I crawled to my kitchen leaving a trail of my sweat and tears behind me. My daddy always told me as a beautiful young woman living alone, I should keep protection. So I kept crawling until I reached the drawer where I stored that source of protection. I felt around until my fingertips came into contact with the cold steel of a .38 Smith and Wesson.

I felt the sharp impression the handle of my bottom cabinet was making in the small of my back. I gripped the steel that was now in my lap. "How could she do this to me?!" I screamed out loud. "She will feel pain when she finds out that my brains are blown all over my kitchen floor because of her." I double checked to see if I actually had bullets to even prove this point I was determined to make. I think I saw one, but it's hard to tell with these tears blurring my vision. Fuck it. All signs say go. I thought about writing a note, but if I did, that would cause everyone to think I did it for attention. That is not the case, because this world is truly better off without me in it. I guess love won the war. My apologies go out to my best friend, my parents and to God, because I know this will indeed give me a one way ticket to hell. However, if that is where home is, then I am ready to reside.

I shivered at the feeling of the icy barrel against my temple. I shut my eyes tightly and fingered the trigger. I was getting ready to squeeze when I heard a bang on my front door, which scared the hell out of me. I slowly opened my eyes. "This is so not the time", I said. Apparently a person can't commit suicide in peace now days without interruption. I heard the bang again; only this time it was louder. The only reason I wanted to get the door is because I thought it might be Cassie coming back for something she'd forgotten. Being that she has the key and could just walk in; I didn't want her to catch me in the act, so I eased the gun back in the drawer and got up from the floor. I cut through the living room and glanced out the window for her car, but the shiny black cutlass supreme sitting in my driveway didn't belong to Cassie.

"Who is it?" I asked tip toeing up to the peephole. Oddly I didn't see anyone; neither did I get an answer. I opened the door and what was a sunny day, was now a dark and gloomy day. I felt a cold gust of wind enter into my home when she appeared. She was breath taking and seemed to make the world stop spinning with her smile.

"I'm sorry, I'm looking for Denise Washington. Is this her residence?" she asked with such politeness.

"I'm Denise Washington," finally regaining control over my vocal cords.

She took a few steps closer and extended her right hand toward me, "I do apologize for stopping by under such urgent circumstances, but I was referred to you by a friend of mine and I need to talk to you." Her hand was still hanging untouched in the air waiting for my acceptance.

I was dumbfounded when I finally grabbed her hand. With my line of work, I get these kinds of encounters all of the time, but never have any of my clients been as stunning as she. "What is your name"? I asked out of curiosity.

I felt her fingers tighten around my hand causing me to look directly into her sandy colored eyes. I suddenly became lost in some sort of trance when she whispered, "You can just call me Nikki."

Published by: T.Nicole © 2008

Lip Gloss Poppin' Bubblegum Princesses

I'm going to keep this short and simple. With little or no insults. I won't make any promises though. I just needed to clear my chest. As we all know I'm trying new things, tapping into different characteristics to make me a better woman. More patience, more sympathy and understanding. The whole celibacy thing, which has already gone down the drain. I tried. I really did. What can I say though? Some things work for different people. For those of you like me; we can't keep that on lock for too long, or weird shit starts to happen. Our vision is impaired, and our senses are thrown off. We start putting up with bullshit that we would NEVER put up with.

Sometimes I feel like my life is a redundant cycle. In some aspects, I get stuck on the same level and meet the same type of person. I attract the same type of people. It's super annoying. I can't blame every person for the same thing, because there is obviously something in me that keeps attracting these people. When I'm trying to learn someone's story, their history, their likes, dislikes, and basically study their individual human design that God took time to create in His eyes; I need concentration. I need time to do that. I need me and that person to focus on this task.

Instead of getting that shared concentration, I get these mentally blind and deaf cases. The communication is damn near impossible. Forget a language barrier, there is a mental barrier which is much harder to surpass. I want to pull my hair out sometimes. Now days, it's so hard to sit and have a conversation with someone without any distractions, any sidebars, any random outbursts. It's like talking to toddlers. Incomplete thoughts, sentences, awkward pauses, song breaking interludes; it's crazy. At times, I'm like okay; I know I can be uptight, but really who can sit through this shit? Who can stand to have a conversation with someone who is only present in that actual conversation 10% of the time spent? The killer thing is that people really think that we're compatible for a relationship setting; lmaoo! If I can't even hold a simple and organized conversation with you, what makes you think I will put up with that window licking shit in a relationship? Must be out of their cotton picking minds. Oh and then, they often ask, "do you miss me?" Are you kidding me? Lmaoo.

Substance, mystery, confidence, organization, intelligence, articulation, and pride go into a great conversation. Lately, the only thing these females have been equipped with is lip gloss and bubble gum. Real simple like. *sigh. These are some of the reasons why I remain quiet and to myself. I don't speak to people, because I refuse to waste my breath in conversation with lip gloss poppin' bubblegum princesses.

Dead end.

Bedroom Bully - Tag!

Okay, I've been fucked; I mean tagged. My bad ;]
By good ol' Reggie!!

Peep the rules:

1. Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.
2. Share 3 confident statements and then 3 questions about sex.
3. Tag 6 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
4. Let each person know that they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Here goes nothing...

1.) People ask me do I ever miss sex with the men dudes. I can't say that I do. Unlike a lot of lesbians, I never had a bad sexual experience with men, in fact they all were great. However, my happiness and GREATEST sex all falls on the land of Venus, where the women reside.
2.) Sex for me use to be like a 4Th meal. It was needed in some type of way on a daily basis. I got a grip, and slowed down a lot though. I will say that old habits do die hard. Better know this!
3.) I own about 150 pornos to fill that sexual void. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I'm not Kirk Franklin, and I wouldn't call myself an addict. I just like to have a selection. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Yo, answer me these...

1.) Having sex with socks on; does this not bother anyone, but me?
2.) Ever fell asleep after sex with the penetrating object or organ still inside of you?
3.) Public display of affection; ever seen it go too far?

I'm tagging...

Everybody who reads this shit!

Righteous Or Unrighteous - Beauty Shop Talk

The Chair. The Main Stage. The Hot Seat.
Hear all and tell all.

So I woke up around 6:00a.m for my hair appointment this morning. Slightly hungover of course. I'll learn my lesson one day. I'm not here to talk about my drinking habits though. I'm here to talk about a discussion we had in the shop this morning. We all know that in any black beauty shop or barber shop is where the most juiciest conversations are held. Any gossip, drama, current events, break-ups, hook-ups and down right ignorance is caught here. I get my fill on these every 2 weeks when I sit in "Jay Why's" chair. Well this morning we had a topic that actually hit home, and had some ladies looking at me sideways. Of course I didn't give a fuck, and that didn't stop me from punching ignorance smack dab in the face; shutting it down!

So "Jay-Why" was telling us about a young lady that had been having problems for as long as we've all known her. She comes around for awhile, and then disappears in the night. No one will hear from her for about 6 months to a year at a time. Well this time she came back around a full blown lesbian! She thought that she needed to tell "Jay Why" about her recent choice in life. This didn't set well with "Jay Why". I actually thought the conversation was just going to be a passing one, but the girl actually came in the shop around 10:00 to get her hair done. Now, I grew up with my beautician and her brothers and sisters. Her mother was always like a 2ND mother to me. Keeping me from 4 months until I was about 5 years old. They were my family. We were all raised under strict guidance, and were taught from the same bible daily. However, we all grew up and set into our individual characters. We grasped our own beliefs, and made our own decisions. That's how growing up and life works right? It should be respected huh? Yeah right.

When "Jay Why" and the ladies got word of the young new lesbian's sexual preference, they flipped. Eyes were rolled, teeth were smacked, heads were shook, faces were frowned, bitches were tight about it. I smiled, loll. Because I knew the shit was about to hit the fan. True indeed, the girl had picked the wrong day to come get her hair done, because they were eating that ass alive! I must admit the young lady was lost, and she was still indeed trying to find herself, but the advise she was given was pure ignorant and hypocritical. Comments were made;

"Baby, you living in sin!"
"This is just a phase"
"Give the men one more chance."
"I knew that tongue ring was more than a fad."
"Yo' mama should have never let you go to that TSU campus!"
"Yo mama didn't raise you right."
"You need better guidance in life."
"You need to choose if you want to be righteous or unrighteous"

"Live your life and do what makes you happy. Find an understanding, realistic and truthful communication line with God."
"Be who you are, and laugh in the faces of the hypocrites telling you that you're living your life wrong."
"You have one judge, and one judge only. None of these bitches in here are flying high above the sky, so that makes them just as imperfect as you are."

"Are you gay?"
"Don't tell that girl that!"
"You're condoning her sinful ways"
"Meeky, you know better than that. My mama and your mama raised you right!"
"That's a damn shame."

"Yes, and I am happy."
"Don't tell her what? The truth?"
"I condone all you lying, nasty, cheating, and trifling fools."
"My mama raised me right, and did a damn good job. I in-turn took her values in life and became who the hell I was suppose to be."
"This is a damn shame."


Needless to say, that was the first time some of those women heard that I was gay my damn self. I am not the kind of woman to go flaunting her sexuality around and shoving it down people's throat. I am a private person, period. This goes for all areas in my life. I just hate to hear when heterosexual people down talk homosexuals and damn them to hell, when they are sinning themselves. No sin is greater or less than the other. There were women sitting in there who have openly admitted to cheating on their husbands, sleeping with their best friend's husbands, lying about who child is whose child, and the list goes on. So just because this young girl admits to be happy in her own life, with ONE person who happens to the the same sex as she, they go left.

The question was brought up, do you want to be righteous or unrighteous? Who are you or anybody else to say what is righteous or unrighteous? How about the young lady choose to be happy and live life for herself, and not for anyone else? I personally cannot live with knowing that went through life making only other people happy. Doing things or not doing things based off of what other people say and think. At the end of the day, these same people are doing what the hell they want to do, and not thinking twice about what you think. The fact of the matter is, people will always have something to say about how someone else is living their life, and how it's not being lived right. Well news flash, it's 2008, we live in the devil's playground of sin and imperfection. We were born NOT to live this shit right, because thanks to our fore-parents; that task is downright impossible; unless your last name is CHRIST. The last time I checked it was only one dude that EVER walked on this earth rockin' that pure garment. Now that's some righteous shit fo' yo ass!

After all of that was said and done, my shop experience didn't even turn out as sour as I thought it would. Some of the ladies still had their opinions as they are supposed to, but they respected it. A couple thought about it, and agreed with me. "Jay Why" just changed the subject, loll. When I got ready to leave, we play fought as usual, and I told her I'd be back in 2 weeks.

As for the newly found lesbian girl; she thanked me for stepping in and having her back. I didn't really step in to have her back parse; I just stepped in and shut down the ignorance at hand. Plain and simple.

Nikki Part 1 - AGAIN

Okay, I know that Chinksz and Dreamy will be mad about me for this, but I have to do it. I need the motivation. I'm re-vamping The Nikki Memoirs. There may be a few changes, so read it again ladies. Don't bash me too hard, seriously. I'm going to finish it this time. So to those of you that are new to this blog, Welcome to The Nikki Memoirs. It's an online short story that I started, shit about a year ago now. I'm a slacker, and never finished it. So read it, hopefully it will keep you coming back for me. If I don't follow through, Jazmine Sullivan my ass, and bust the windows out my Chevy. I'll deserve it.

Nikki Part I

I knew that she needed me the moment I stepped foot into her life. She was a creature of a different species. Only one person could balance her the way that she needed. She needed a life saver, a confidence booster, an ego caresser, and that person was me. I was not meant to be in her life until the end of time. I didn’t know how long I was supposed to be visible to the eye, how long my footprints would stretch across her brain, or how long my scent would linger in her world. I was not in this for love and affection; I was in this as a simple favor. Instead of keeping me as just her cushion for comfort, she made me fall in love with her. Every time she sent me away packing, she drug me back into her life at her selfish convenience. When will my contract end? How long do I have to baby-sit her insecurities and hold her hand through everything she doesn’t want to walk through alone? I have to find a way to escape her grip. My duty calls elsewhere. I have another life to save.

For now I am here with her. Things have been pretty bumpy since we met. Our emotional love roller coaster is an unpredictable one. There are times when I am a part of her everyday routine. Not a night goes by that I am not in her arms. Then there are times when months can go by and she doesn’t think of me or let my name slip from her tongue. I am forgotten and I am not needed. Things are different with her. Normally when I am neglected, I don’t let it phase me, because I know that it comes along with the occupation description. This time I feel something. Could it be what they call jealousy? I know I’ve made many enemies that have wanted to gut me like a fish, because I felt these certain individuals were getting too close to her heart. All I do is laugh, because no harm can be done to something you can’t touch right? Ha; the jokes on them. I know it and she knows it. I am a skeleton in her closet that only comes out when the time is right.

“Who is she?” is what the outsiders ask time and time again. “When can I meet her?” is what they desire after my presence is accepted. "How come she is never around?” is what they wonder. So who am I? I am whatever the insiders want me to be. Just like everyone else, I have a story. It’s said that I grew up in a normal household. Raised by two loving parents with a healthy marriage. Daddy had more money than one could imagine and mama had more imagination than that one just mentioned. My life has been labeled as perfect; personality, body, face, career, salary, home and friends. I am perfect. I couldn’t mess up if I tried, because I am what they make me. My life is lived on strings and they are my puppet masters. My background only goes back so far, perhaps my next encounter will add on to my pencil written story. So many of my memories have been erased; from siblings, to pets, to lifestyles, to religions. Although I have been stable for the past three years, who knows when my strings will be snipped and I’ll have to hop in my cutlass supreme and drift into the next world.

There is just one thing stopping me. I have been trying to figure it out for quite some time now. I have been having this annoying thumping, burning and eerie feeling in my chest. It starts to hurt every time I think about leaving. The pain seems too much to bear. When I think of her leaving me, I get angry. I do things that I know aren’t right. My mind is telling me to go and that it has been time to go; for she is happy now. My job is done. But that thumper in my chest is telling me to stay and I will let all hell break loose if she tries to stray.

Oh, what’s my name? Well I’ve gone by many and have stolen the identities of plenty, but she calls me “Nikki”.

Published by: T.Nicole © 2008

My Ink Traces

Screenshot of my other blog:

I just wanted to say that I appreciate all the love shown on this page. I'm going to try and post more here. As you can see, I mostly empty my head out on whatever random female is clouding my thoughts at the moment. Or a couple posts on long lost ex-girlfriends. Or my super grown woman crushes. Or me possibly breaking the heart of a nice young lady. Either way, I don't post often enough.

So if you're at all interested, go check out my other blog. That is where I do most of my postings anyway. If you just want to be nosey and see who I'm screwing at the time, come back and visit this one. Oh wait, I forgot; I'm celibate. =\

Put It On Ya

I'm kinda feeling this song. Plies is small and full of testosterone, but I dig his swag. He's constantly rapping about fucking, but hey I like fucking. Don't you?

Miss. Bad News

Wow, what a depressing day. I stayed in my apartment all day; ignoring calls on my house phone and my cell phone. I just wasn't up for anything or anyone today. I watched a couple movies, but my emotions were all out of wack, and it's not even that time of the month. I don't know what is going on with me. I had these frightening urges to be held, to be near family. Not just any family, but family members that are dead and gone. My brother being one of them. It was just an emotional ass day.

It all started last night. I was talking to DeeJay, and we were discussing a blog that she recently wrote about me. The blog made me feel like a monster. She entitled the blog; Always A Bridesmade; Never A Bride.

Always a bridesmaid NEVER a bride... ughhhh. y0u know when women use the term "always a bridesmaid NEVER a bride", I use to laugh. I couldn't relate to that statement. I never really understood the frustration behind the words. ha But now not only do I relate I'm eating those very words. Over the time of about two years Ive became VERY attached to someone. She amazes me..I soak her up like a sponge. I'm so receptive to her, She just might be the realist person Ive ever known. uh my [oldie but goodie] I cant get to her, I cant break through to the notion that I'm just not enough for her... She want so much more than I can give her...Even though I have surrendered my heart to her that in its self still isn't enough.. She is; strong, focused, opinionated,independent,intelligent,stubborn, experienced, mature,a time bomb waiting to go off. I am; Nice, soft spoken, hesitant, RANDOM,clingy,timid,forgetful,the calm after the storm. We are complete opposites, I sometimes have to ask myself why I stick around when it seems the reality is that her and I will NEVER be anymore than what we are now. But Ive worked to hard Ive come to far with her. I love her with everything in no exceptions, its 100% unconditional I pray for her, I think of her through out my day, I keep her close to my heart and carry her in my spirit. But in some ways I just feel invisible. I get passed these random ass females while I patiently and persistently wait in line like go0d fucking Samaritan that I am.. (for the record good girls DO finish last) I'm constantly reminded of how much I lack..It is forever in my head of how much more I need in order to even be considered for the position "As your GIRL" I say I love you and you say its mutual, but its like " I love you but we cannot be" and that hurts more than you ever know. I date and talk and try to meet people rather than sit around and wait for you to see that yes I have flaws but I'm still a good catch, I am as close to heaven as you will ever get, but I guess when your done doing all the fishing in the sea you'll realize I'm not in the water with the rest....I cant swim.....

My mind state right now is on some deuce, deuce shit. Straight up catch 22. For the past 2 years, I knew that I was bad news for this girl. She's an angel, she's fragile, and the last thing I want is for an asshole like me to come along and break her heart. I've been picking the poison over the cure it seems like. That's the human way though. We opt to love what's bad for us. The cure is always right under out noses, or tugging at our hearts. We're good at tuning out the things we don't want to hear, but it's those same things that we need to hear. I use to ask why all the time. Why was I attracting the same type of females? Why could I not find a suitable female? The answer has been banging on my door it seems like for 2 years, but there is so much energy that would have to go into this one. She has a lot to learn, and I made a promise to myself that I would not play the role of the teacher again. It's a lot of headaches and heartaches involved in it all.

I decided that I would want her, my friend, my very good friend happy. I can't say that she'll be happy with me. At this moment in my life, I don't know if anybody will be happy with me. I'm bad news, and my never ceasing and intimidating ways are no good for the weak hearted.

The Number

Does the number of one's sexual partners matter to you? I mean say you really dig this person, and you're loving every moment of their company and conversation. Then the topic comes up involving your past relationships, lovers, encounters, sexual escapades. Then they hit you with that million dollar question. I mean you know that your number may be kinda high, so you quickly say, "you answer first!" Then they respond with "3" you're like wtf?! Only 3? You instantly feel horrible, because you know your number is probably 18 times more than that. You still end up telling them though. Does their perception of you change? Will they hold you accountable today for the actions in your past. Will there always be a trust issue in the possible future relationship?

It's true that my past will always be a part of me, but I can honestly say that I am not the same woman I was last year. Or the year before that, and damn sure not the year before that. However, that number I can't escape. I like to keep it honest with people, so if I am pursuing someone, and she asks me what my number is; I tell her. I throw it to the wind, and not even with caution, because that fact is just a itty bitty part of me. Every encounter that I had has gotten me to where I am today. Negative and positive. All walks in life, or in this case lays in life have some type of impact on you. This could be why my mentality to women and sex are severely damaged. Yes, I've slowed down tremendously, but old habits die hard.

Am I embarrassed about my number? Well as we all know, Mica is much to fly to be embarrassed, loll. Seriously though, I'm not embarrassed, but I'm not proud either. I've made countless mistakes with x amount of people. I can't take these temporary moments of passion back. Although, some of them I wish I could, due to the pure wackness of the encounter, loll. But hey, when asked what my number is, I lay it out on the table. For some it may be a hard pill to digest, and some may just view as my history. I've learned to realize that the insecure ones hold my past over my head, and the confident ones could give a damn about my past, because they are in my present.

So if you ask a person what their number is, and the digit(s) are put out there; how do you digest it all?

Vow Of Celibacy??

There are two words that I am highly allergic to, and they are relationship and commitment. I heard both of those words at least 20 times each last night while talking to Champ. I just met this girl not even a week ago, and these words are already being said way too many times. Too many references are being made to "us". My skin is crawling right now just thinking about it. Don't get me wrong, this is a very lovely young lady, and so far she seems to be a cool person. The fact of the matter is, I don¢t know her. Now every time, I say I'm going to do things right, and not sample the goodies, I fail. I am always cool afterwards, because I have that male mentality and I'm able to separate my feelings from sex. On the other hand, most females are not able to do this. Champ is one of them.

Dammit, dammit, dammit! The aftermath is that of dreamy sighs, eyes, and those dreadful references to "us". I do blame myself, because by now I should have learned my lesson. Everybody is not like me, and sex complicates things for most people. Now if I don't call her, or at least halfway acknowledge her like she acknowledges me, I'll be labeled a dog. I would like to get to know this girl, but at a normal pace. Lesbians are getting besides themselves now days, with this speed dating crap. Talk one time on the phone, and then a couple days later they're in a relationship. I can't do it! I've done it before, and it only led to a crash and burn situation. I'm not in the mood for all of that.

Champ may or may not make the cut. That has yet to be determined, since it's only been a short period of time. Mentally, I've already found myself holding back, because I'm not sure if she'll be able to match that. I may be underestimating her though. We shall see though. Yesterday was the first time that I felt bad for talking to someone other than DeeJay. It's hard to be at a stand still for DeeJay though. She lacks so much experience in many areas in life. I know one thing, I have to stop choosing the freak over the angel though. I mean the pleasure only lasts so long. For me, if your mental isn't hitting right, the pleasure only occurs maybe twice, and I'm gone.

I may be reaching far and beyond when I say this, but I think it's time to take a vow of celibacy. Sex only labels me a slime ball and a heart breaker, and an occasional stalker or two. I'm getting too old for this. It's time for me to stop living by the Biggie Motto: "If they head right, Mica there every night." I can do this the right way. I've been working ass backwards in this whole dating thing. Maybe if I get my act right, I won't be so allergic to the words relationship and commitment. I'll welcome them both with open arms.


Blast From The Past!

Last night I got in from work, settled in and started my nightly blog reading and commenting, when I got her call. I hadn't spoken to LeLe in about six months. The last I heard she was in town over the summer, and I made it a point to be missing in action. I'm not sure if I spoke about her in this blog, but this is my ex from way back in the day. We were together for four years; most of the while I was in college. I met her in college, away at Stephen F. Austin, freshman year. She was from Jersey, and I loved her sassy attitude and thick northern accent. The girl was bad, and I was freshly broken into the lesbian world by my 28 yr old lesbian cherry popper, loll. I was OUT, about and ready to get me a girl. That is when I met LeLe, at the ripe age of 18. She claimed to be 17 at the time, and It didn't take much for me to fall in love with her, of course. I needed something to get my mind off the fact that I broke my ex-boyfriend's heart at the time, by switching teams in the middle of the season (how he puts it) loll.

LeLe stole my heart man, and has had this magical power over me every since. We had been through a lot. I mean more than one would think a person like me would go through with anybody. That girl, now woman was the exception to my every rule. This girl made my life, ruined it, and then made it again. I'm not going to go into all of the details, but that was the one relationship that helped form me into the person I am today. Some of the ones who know me, are like "that damn LeLe", loll. I know, because I am a pretty cold hearted person, let them tell it. I am bittersweet about my lessons learned in that relationship. I am happy that I survived the LeLe Chronicles, and I'm happy that I got over the "fuck love" stages and actually loved another after her. When she went back to Jersey, I can't lie and say that I wasn't lost. I had no idea where I would end up in the name of love. I couldn't see any other, but her. I was sick ya'll. I was not the Mica that everyone knows me to be. I got through that though.

She still had that power over me though. Every time she came back from Jersey, I went missing, and everyone knew that LeLe had touchdown in H-town. In some strange way, my heart has never been able to totally release her. I haven't seen her in almost a year, and hadn't talked to her before last night in almost 6 months. It felt very awkward having a conversation with her. Right now she's in a relationship with a 31 yr old woman and seem to be happy. We caught up on what's been going on in our lives for the past 6 months. I almost appreciate the time that we don't speak, because I have control over my feelings and thoughts. I have no question marks swiveling through my mind during conversations with anyone else. I'm at peace, but leave it to LeLe to pop up on the scene and stir the pot. She's a punch spiker, and leaves you with unexplainable and indescribable feelings. I can't stand it.

My blast from the past, who has played the part of my most sweetest addiction and most deadly addiction. I don¢t know when we will speak again, but I pray to GOD she doesn't touchdown in Houston during the Holidays. I may have to flee the city. Seriously.

My Closet Door - Forever Unhinged

Lately there have been quiet a few celebrities coming out of the closet. I mean I guess it's not that much of a surprise once the announcement is made, because some things are just THAT obvious.

Take Clay Aiken for instance, Stevie Wonder could see that he was gay.

Lindsey Lohan has been seeing Samantha Ronson, the DJ for quite some time. Me being gay, I know that most "straight" feminine women who claim to be just "friends" with lesbian butch/stud women, are lying. There is some sort of romantic interest there.

LAS VEGAS - Comedian Wanda Sykes says the passage of a same-sex marriage ban in California has led to her be more outspoken about being gay.

"You know, I don't really talk about my sexual orientation. I didn't feel like I had to. I was just living my life, not necessarily in the closet, but I was living my life," Sykes told a crowd at a gay rights rally in Las Vegas on Saturday.

"Everybody that knows me personally they know I'm gay. But that's the way people should be able to live their lives," she said.

Celebrities have it hard when it comes to leading any type of secretive life. I feel bad for them at times. I mean the money and the fame is great, but it comes with it's own price and sacrifices. Your personal life being one of those sacrifices. Mo' Money, Mo' Problems right? Hell yeah. They can keep that. I value my privacy too much for all of that.

Just this year I saw Wanda Sykes in Bush Intercontinental Airport out here in Houston. I was there to pick up my friend flying in from Florida. I was highly pissed off at the time, because I had been in that airport much too long trying to find her behind, and while standing there looking mad, I saw Wanda Sykes standing right in front of me. She looked different without the extra Hollywood make up, and the power of the digital camera. We caught eye contact and I smiled. I really didn't know what to say. I'm not a star struck kind of gal, so I wasn't like boiling over with excitement. She said "hello" and I returned with a "hello Ms. Sykes." Then she told me not to look so mad, and I just told her that I had been in that stupid airport for almost 2 hours waiting for my friend. She told that she hoped I found her soon before I hurt someone, and that was that. My "gay-dar" did go off though. She didn't look butch or anything, but she just gave off this gay vibe. She wasn't with a woman or anything, but I believe her bodyguard and a couple teenage boys. A few people stopped her once they realized who she was. She was very down to earth, but I imagined that she would be just by seeing her on television.

So now she's confirmed my assumptions. They were wrong for revoking the same sex marriage law in Cali though. So I can understand her and all the other folks anger out there. "You know, I don't really talk about my sexual orientation. I didn't feel like I had to. I was just living my life, not necessarily in the closet, but I was living my life," I really liked this quote, because I am the same way when it comes to my life. I grew up in a family that is very private when it comes to their personal business. So I have not had this whole big "coming out" ceremony with my parents or anyone else for that matter, because I choose to live my life without announcements. I'm not in the closet, but I don't feel the need to yell it out to the world my sexual orientation either. If someone happened to asked, I would tell them the truth, and that includes my family. The thing is, no one ever asks, loll. My parents never will ask either, because we are just that private. As long as I'm doing alright health and financial wise, they feel they don't need to know all that other stuff.

We were talking about the homosexual statistics at the beauty shop this weekend. There are still some ignorant people out there who will never accept homosexuality, just like there are still some people who won't accept black people. Bottom line, the world will forever be ignorant in some way, shape, or form. McCain wouldn't have been able to change that. Obama won't change that, and whoever comes after him will not be able to change it. That's just not in the plan, sorry folks.

Why Must I Not Chase The Cat

6:15am I had to go off on somebody. Someone attempting to play head games with me. Charging me up about supposedly disregarding them. Here is my thing; communication goes two ways, and no one person should be held responsible for reaching out all of the time. We are both adults, if we want to call, then we know how to pick up the phone and dial one anothers respective numbers. This brings me to the point of this post. Some females just wanted to be chased. They want you to go out of your way to contact them, and get bothered by the fact that they are not answering the phone. Um yeah, that's not going down over this way. I could care less if you're available or not. I have too much going on in my day to be chasing some female. This is called ADULTHOOD. I am not in high school anymore sitting around all day thinking hopelessly about ANYBODY. Money has to be made to survive, and nobody is going to make it but me.

I'm not sure how many times I've written about validation, and people "needing" some form of emotional security from other people. I understand, we all need somebody. This is what family and close friends are for. Not everybody who flashes a pretty smile at you walking down the street. That is no type of connection, that's called being polite, get a grip! I had a few conversation with this female, and she thinks that my entire life should be revolving around her. Think again baby. Loll, my friend was telling me the other day that some females like to be shitted on. Because, if I were chasing her, she probably wouldn't be giving me the time of day. It's the simple fact that I'm not devoting all of my attention to her, she's probably asking herself why? She did tell me that she is use to people being wowed by her, and that she always gets her way and what she wants. Hm, well like I've been for most of the year with damn near everyone I've met, I'm still UNIMPRESSED.

This one hasn't done anything differently than the last one did. Hell she has some similarities that the fake one did. The childish antics, no conversation full of any type of substance, and no ambition in life what so ever. Man, what are you plans in life? This really isn't about one person though. It is about me and why I opt to not play the chasing game. I don't feel that people are worth my chase. I do apologize if that makes me sound cocky in any way shape or form. Then again, I don't apologize. What makes people think that they are worth the chase. What are they bringing to the table that makes them look to be the proper replacement of the last loser? Good question, and so far, nobody has been able to answer that with solid backup. So back the fuck up!

Invisible Love Affair

Invisible Love Affair

I would describe her as perfect
but she's above and beyond the definition of such
stunning from top to bottom
beautiful from the outside on to the depths of her soul
ashamed of the fact that I've lost control
my mind is gone
my thoughts abducted
my love's cup overflowed and erupted
I'll surrender my last breath for one chance to touch it
she is the epitome of me
just what my mind's painted perception desires her to be
traced within walls of my eyelids
she is just all that I manage to see
it's become the greatest blessing in life just to blink
tangled in the web of my own deceit
struggling to fight against the urge to be free
free from the truth
escaping the screams of reality ready to break loose
now facing the question of what's a girl to do?
The greatest love we make is inside my own head
I'm speaking loud and clear
but she can't hear one word that I've said
See I know her, but she doesn't know me
the only one in this woman's view is she
I am neither here nor there
temporarily trapped in this invisible love affair

T. Nicole

It Isn't In Me

Affection? Who is that? What is that? I never heard of it! Somebody must've taken that trait from me and made a rest in peace shirt of it! Lol. It is just something I cannot get into if I'm not madly in love with someone. And lets face it, when am I ever madly in love with someone? I understand that people, especially women can tend to be very affectionate, and it sometimes makes me want to run away quick. The testing all day, the having to talk to me on the phone everyday, asking if I miss them. I mean really, when do I have time to miss you if you're hitting me up ALL DAY?! It's sort of a turn on. I dig a woman who poses to be a challenge, and won't make things so easy to grab. I need that mental challenge. Make me earn that affection, because you're damn sure going to have to earn mine, ya dig?

At this time in my life I'm not really sweet on anyone in particular. I've decided to let Jamaica tend to her girlfriend, and eliminated myself as the option in her life. I always have a couple lingering prospects that show interest, but I can't just seem to get into any of them on a significant level. Nothing is being brought to my attention that I have not already seen before. I just see more emotional distress on their behalf and not mine, because I won't be able to deliver to them what they expect me to deliver. Affection being one of those expectations. Maybe right now, I'm just not feeling the whole dating thing. I haven't gone out of my way to search for love in I can't even tell you how long, so that is definitely not being thought of either.

I was talking to someone earlier who was having a bit of trouble expressing herself. All I kept hearing was "I don't' know", and no sure answers to any of my questions. That bothered me, but it also helped me to remember that I was once that way before myself. I've come along way with expressing my feelings, but showing my emotions are another story. I'm still working on that. I just have always believed that people aren't deserving of looking at me from the inside, out. There are some tests that must be passed in order to get to the softer side of me. I don't trust people, and busting myself wide open for someone who may or may not be around even a week from now just isn't in me.

It isn't in me to desire to cuddle up next to someone for extended amounts of time. It isn't in me to want to talk to somebody every minute of my day. It isn't in me to miss anyone at this time. It isn't in me to want to go out of my way to see anyone at this time. It isn't in me to spend any of my time. The last person I had any of this in me for turned out to be a fake ass Puerto Rican mother of 4, who had me believing that she was a fine ass black successful woman; mother of 0. Don't get me wrong, one bad apple didn't spoil the entire orchid for me. I've had a lot of bad apples in my life time thus far, and I still have hope in finding that one apple that will make my love life more bright than it's ever been before. I have HOPE in that, but right now I'm not concerned, thinking or looking for that.

Sometimes, I meet nice people, who are sweet, warm and welcoming, but I just can't find it in myself to match that sweet, warm and welcoming nature that they are giving off. Yes, yes, at the end of the day, at least I can say that I remained who I was, and did not compromise myself for anyone, but sometimes my conscience gets the best of me. I feel that I may be running away some pretty good people here. Maybe I am too tough on some people. That form of love does not work on EVERYBODY. Just because I had to go through it, and became the strong woman that I am, does not mean another person has to go through the same thing to become just as strong. So I sit here and say that certain traits like affection just isn't in me, but maybe I haven't searched deep enough.

Nikki Part IV

I knew people referred to the world as being a small one, but I didn’t think it was this damn small. I was well aware of what I was getting myself into when I entered the life of Ms. Denise Washington, but this was way more than I bargained for. I didn’t think she would be this beautiful. How could a person like her be so weak? She seems to have it all together on the outside; inside she was a complete mess. Sort of like what she made me out to be. Or more like what I made myself out to be on our first encounter. I had no idea how I would weasel my way into the head of a “head doctor”, but I found my way in when I found out her and Bobbie use to be such great friends.

Humph, Bobbie. She was quite the character. No wonder Denise stopped fooling with her trifling behind. I spent thirteen precious months with that basket case. She took me and everyone else in her life through a whirlwind. She didn’t know a good thing if it slapped her in the face. She used people non-stop and when someone finally came into her life and gave her a dose of her own medicine, she didn’t know how to handle it. That is why I stepped into the picture in the first place. She was about to break, because she was being stepped on. This man she called her husband used and abused her just like she had use and abused so many others throughout her life. She needed me just like all the rest did. I was eager to extend my helping hand, because in some pathetic way, I felt bad for Bobbie. She tried so hard to be this woman that she truly wasn’t. I was there to help her find that person inside of her. I was there to teach her ass a lesson once and for all.

Many sleepless nights came about, because she kept fighting me. She was a woman who was puffed up with pride and tried to push me away with every tactic that came to mind. But she soon realized that she couldn’t push me away. I was unstoppable. I was the elephant in her every room. As time went by, I knew she would soon accept things as they were and work with me instead of against me. Boy was I wrong. This bitch turned on me. She cried insane on me; placed us both in a white room with padded walls. This wasn’t what I signed up for. Something happened to me in that place. The woman I once was, was no more. She did not exist once the trial was over. She did not exist once the flames were put out. She did not exist after that casket was closed. Bobbie can be held accountable for all. I tried my best to be everything that she needed me to be. We made passionate love that was sure to ease her mind to the point where she forgot all else. I guess she was more hooked to that dick than I thought she was. Ha-ha, joke was on me. Or that is what she thought huh? No, not ever! The joke was on her!

I walked away from her with the explosions going off behind me. Now here I am. It looks as if I have found a new home. I have no worries of being caught, because as I’ve said before; I leave the scene with no fingerprints left behind. Bobbie indeed led me to Denise and that was the only thing the bitch was good for. The first task I must accomplish is teaching Ms. Washington how to keep her nose out of places it doesn’t belong. She’s too pretty to be on my bad side.

Welcome Back Jamaica

I seem to be going through a situation that has always bothered me when it occurred in the past. You know how you meet someone and you give things a try and it just doesn’t work out? Then you and that person grow apart, but later down the line you start to converse again. You quickly realize that you both have grown in certain areas during that time apart. The feelings start to ignite again, but the only problem is that the other person is in a relationship with someone else. You know that perhaps the way you were before pushed them right into the arms of another lover. It’s a sucky feeling. However you and that person can’t help but to acknowledge the new found chemistry between you, the intense sexual attraction and the mind blowing conversations. You miss them and they miss you. You just can’t do anything about it.

I was reading a few of my blogs from last summer. It was the summer that I met “Jamaica”. I was a hardheaded asshole. Nobody could tell me anything. I despised talks about relationships and love. Then “Jamaica” came along and sat outside my heart’s doors. We talked through those doors for awhile. Then she tried to pry them open. That’s when my defense level went up to an all time high. I was horrible to her. I was a bitch, disrespectful and I didn’t give a damn. She stuck with it though for as long as she could. I hurt her and brought so much frustration to her life. That’s when we drifted apart. Fast forward to last this summer. Here we are; “Jamaica” in a relationship and I just got out of a bogus situation with that lying faceless bitch. Speaking of which, “Jamaica” finds that super hilarious and she says that karma has tapped on my door and drop kicked me in the chest, loll. She could be right, after all the shit I took her thought. So all in all, I suppose I deserved it. Who really is to say? I am just glad that she forgave me for the headaches caused. Even though the past situation was fucked up, it did not hold me down; it opened my eyes more so than anything. It helped me waken those feelings that I thought were dead. If I were to ever that the change with “Jamaica” again, I would do things right this go round.

We’ve already done our dirt, but she’s still with her girl. I have asked her did she feel bad for the sex crimes committed and she said no. Lately I’ve gotten really sentimental with her and I realize that I’m walking on dangerous grounds, because she’s not on the market. She could have a revolution any day and decide never to talk to me again, because of her current situation. Then I’ll be left with hurt feelings. Another knock from Karma? Maybe. I hope that is not the case though. Either way it goes, I ‘m just glad to have her back in my life no matter how long it is. The fact of the matter is that we have come along way since summer ’07 and I’ve come along way period. I just wrote a blog last week about not questioning things when the path is beautiful. It’s not broken and there is nothing to fix. I may not have her in the way that I want her, but perhaps now is not our time. I won’t question that. It’s just good to hear a familiar voice again that brings me great comfort. Welcome back “Jamaica”.

The Truth Comes Out

Yesterday was a hilarious day for me. Like Oh Em Gee!! Despite the fact that work was so busy I wanted to pull my eyelids over my head and run around naked screaming; I found out some amusing information about my phony ex "girlfriend". Now you know, I should be embarrassed that I was played by this fake bitch, but you know what I am laughing so hard that I don't even care. I still and always will come out on top, so that small fact does not phase me at all.

It is no secret that this is a small world, but the GAY world is even smaller. There is no longer six degrees of separation but there is three. It's always said that things done in the dark will sooner or later become exposed to the light. Well the light was shone yesterday BIG TIME! Not only did I find out that whoever this woman or girl is was guilty of the fake picture committee, but she supposedly has four kids, still messing with her ex husband, and is probably about 250lbs. Lmaooooooo!!!!!!!! She lied about EVERYTHING!!! From her car to her family and back to her ex who she claimed she has seen in person. Come to find out, every time her ex did make plans to go see her, purchased tickets and everything; the fake bitch would disappear and pop back on the scene with some dramatic story as to why she was M.I.A. When I say I fell out laughing when this information was planted in my ear; man oh man!!

So my hunch was right all along. Those déjà vu feelings were much too strong. It was only a matter of time before that bitch's cards were pulled. I didn't even have to fully hack this chick, go figure. Now with the information that I was given, and there is a lot more; I'm not even going to air all of this out to the people she has been lying to for years. I'm going to keep this over here, because it would be pointless and vindictive. Now I know she will hit the scene running again and will soon be back to her old game. She will also more than likely contact me again on some stalking shit, but the truth is at my fingertips and I will light fire to that ass if she attempts to step one fake ass toe into my world again.

Well this indeed teaches me a lesson yet again. Obviously I did not learn it the first time. I fell victim to yet another online faceless fake bitch. Laugh it up. Silly me. But you know what? Like I said above, Mica always comes out on top. I do know the dangers in trusting people that I meet online and 99% of the time they are lying about who they are and what they do. If you do engage in internet based relationships, friendships or future meet-ups; please be careful. These people are crazy and are doing anything for attention and some form of "love", because they lack the confidence and love for themselves. When some people's lives suck they try to bring everyone down with them. It sucks being right some times, but I'm glad that my point was proved.

Side note to the fake one whom I know is hanging on to my every word right now - Please get some help. You're going to run across the wrong individual who actually will use your address attached to your IP and come and do harm to you and possibly your children. For some people life is a game, but sometimes it can be ended up by someone else if you do not play fair. So whatever it is that you are not accepting within yourself, get over it. Although I'm highly amused by the truth of it all; I feel sorry for you, because you truly are sick. I'll pray for you.

Not Again...

I think someone just died inside of my mind. I think the only way to get past this situation that just happened is to pretend that the other party never existed. I have a bad feeling in my gut that is telling me that I've been lied to for the past couple of months. That this person is not who she says she is and that so forth. Too many odd things happen and they happen at convenient moments. Something just doesn't add up. All of a suddent phones are off and I'm blocked every way possible in communication to this woman who just told me she loved me yesterday. The woman who just told me she was still very interested in knowing all about me and wanted to preview my novel; only to have her pull this stunt 20 minutes later with no words being spoken. I hope she is smart and never in her life tries to contact me again. She no longer exsists in my world. She is no longer breathing and her face has been replaced with a blurry smudge.

I've been having these deja vu feelings every since I met her and now they are starting to come into play for real now. I know I'll be up most of the night working my computer skill magic and getting down to the bottom of this before I completely kill her off in my head. Lol, I can't believe this is happening to me again. Lmaoo!!! Let the games begin.

Ten Seconds To Live

So I'm trying to get back on track with my blog schedule. I haven't posted anything on my primary blog in a little over a week. The hurricane really threw everything off for everyone out here in Houston. My power is back on and things are almost back to normal in my neighborhood. I'll have pics and everything from the aftermath of the storm in my primary blog, so check it out later this week.

This Monday is going alright for me so far. Considering the emotional rollercoaster that I've been on. People now know me to be a pretty positive person. I try to remain calm in my spirit and as peaceful in my thinking as I possibly can. I learned quickly in my 24 years on my earth that my life is solely controlled by me. God is fully in my life to help guide me through everything that comes forth my way. Sometimes He will take me through things to learn certain lessons, but at the end of the day; it's me that controls the things in my life. Crazy, dramatic and heart retching things happen to all of us, but it is how we handle such things that determine the outcome of all situations. I realized a couple of years ago that when bad things happen, there is no use in drowning myself in sorrow and blaming the entire world for that bad thing. No need to put poison into other's world because of the current situation that I am living through. I get mad just like everyone else and I handle my anger in my own unique way. I may cry, I may curse, but I quickly get over things, because at some point it becomes detrimental to myself and my future. This depends on how long I choose to hold on to such anger. I can remember getting mad about certain issues and taking weeks to get over them. I'd remain angry with people and kill them off 6 million ways in my head to make myself feel better. This not only effected me and my daily responsibilities, but it effected other people I loved. I was one angry person, loll. I must admit. I was on permanent bitch mode, but that was one of the major changes that I had to make to preserve my life.

"Stuff your eyes with wonder…live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories." - Ray Bradbury, "Fahrenheit 451"

Even with all of the turmoil and stress that life may bring; its still a beautiful thing. I know that I am truly blessed to wake up breathing every day, have the loving family that I do, have the good health that I do, the loving friends that I have, the two jobs that I have and the roof over my head and the clothes on my back. I am thankful beyond words for these things and people. To be angry and negative in my spirit is only showing God that I'm ungrateful for these things and people. He works hard to protect me and make sure that I am alright everyday. So there is no need to be angry at people for small things for extended periods of time. When I have a problem, I know the best escape from that problem is to solve it. It's as simple as that. If I have people in my life that I feel do not appreciate me, take me for granted or take advantage of me. I eliminate those people from my life. No need in hating them and having long drawn out confrontations. Just eliminate the problem all together and keep living life to the fullest. Material things come a dime a dozen and so do friends an lovers. So I will enjoy all good things that come into my life and when that time is up with those things or people; I keep smiling and keep it moving.

Most people don't realize that we have 3 eyes and 4 legs. Sounds weird I know. But our strongest pair of legs are in our own mind and our strongest eye is in our own mind. It's those legs and that eye that help us keep walking as we say our silent prayer to help keep the strength going and our feet moving. I'm very proud to be at this point in my life. I have people 10 and 15 years older than me that haven't reached this point of peace and happiness in their lives. My mental legs are running faster than most people I know, and my mind's eye is seeing clearer and further than most people I know as well. It feels good. Out of all the crap that I've gone through last week; I feel good. Nobody can take this peace away from me. Many have tried to spread their poison into my life, but I refuse to let them. If I feel something or someone bringing my spirits down too far, it's time for me to move around. People are crabs in a barrel and will grab the first person they see moving closer to the top. It's sad, but it's typical for this day in age. So I use the tools that God has equipped for me and I do the work necessary to get myself out of such situations.

Anyway, I'm off my soap box now. I hope that my words have touched the hearts of a few individuals out there and they will begin to let the little stuff go, recognize their worth, and live life to the fullest. You have 10 more seconds to live, are you smiling?

Heart; This One's For You

This week should be interesting for me. A lot of changes have happened over the week of my vacation. This is my first week back for a full work schedule. The end of the month is coming up and the workload will be pretty heavy. But that’s not the only thing that will be heavy. My heart is weighing pretty heavy right now. I've been praying that my current break-up goes smoothly for me and I do not find myself too down and depressed over it. Last night, I felt pretty stupid waiting on a phone call all night from my ex. It's easy to say that I won't and don't expect anything from her, but when you love someone you have faith in them. You trust the fact that they will do their best to make certain changes and not make the same mistakes over and over again. Love is and investment. You are investing your time, energy and emotion into someone in hopes of a pretty sweet deal in the process. It's like a stock market though. That stock that you've but ALL of your funds into goes up and down. When it's up, your smiling and you know you've hit the lottery. When it's down, it feels like shit.

I'm going to have to do some more praying and more focusing to keep my mind off of this whole ordeal. I don’t have time right now to not be able to function throughout my day. My days are much too long for that. I have too many responsibilities throughout my day. It's a bittersweet feeling. More bitter than sweet, because this woman is still heavy on my heart. I miss her and yes, I still want her, but I know what I have to do for myself. I also know that issues going on within her have to be handled without me. I was only there and played the same role as everyone else in her life that just accepted the way that she treated them. Don't get me wrong; I still love this woman, but I just can't take being beat down into the ground again and again and let it go as if it's okay. She doesn't know how to change and until she figures it out and actually goes full force into those changes, we can no longer be. Maybe there is someone out there who is able to handle her the way that she is. That's not me though. In my last blog, I stated that I've come way too far in my womanhood and my own personal changes to be beat back down and pressured into reverting back to my old ways. This is a great loss for me, but I know that time will heal this like it has healed all my other wounds.

Monday, 22 September, 2008

Aquarius (20 Jan - 18 Feb)

You have a fairly objective way of looking ahead and your plans for the next month may be based more on cool logic than on your emotional desires. You should be able to set your personal wishes aside for a while as you quietly focus on your commitments at work. Taking care of business is second nature to you these days, so accomplish as much as you can while you have the time and energy.

So my cool logic is now the director of my life's film again. For the past 2 months I've let my emotions direct my actions and my thoughts. It felt good for awhile, but when the heart is wounded; its not a good idea to let the emotions keep taking control. That’s when emotional suicide is committed. I have to be smart about this and give my heart the time it needs to heal. So focusing on work and other things that need to be taken care of in my personal life will keep my best interest at heart.

I was talking with my ex yesterday and we spoke about moving on to other "love interest" and I'm just not interested in doing so. There was a time back in the day that during this situation; I would have just gone off and slept with a couple people to ease my pain and replenish my soul in some sick way. I had that male mentality and dating a few women at one time would make all of my heartaches feel better. I stopped doing that though. In fact, right before I met my ex, I was not dating anyone and I was seriously taking time out by myself. I wasn't looking for love and I wasn't interested in dating anyone. This is how I feel right now. As sexually frustrated as I am right now, I don’t plan on hopping in the bed with anyone, because I know I would just be using that person. Those days are over. Long gone. So I'll beat these desires in other ways. I'll need a wish and a prayer though, loll.

I've been thinking about this way too much. I just have to throw this one up in the hands of the Lord like I do all of my uncontrollable issues. I'll let Him handle this one. I've prayed that he keeps me focused on my work and all other non emotional things in my life. I'm going to hop to it now. My leaf has turned over completely now and I'm only doing this for my heart. I made a promise to it a long time ago, and I'm holding true to that promise.

Up Waiting....Again

I can't believe I'm up right now. I'm going to so pissed in 3 hours when I have to be up for work. I just feel really stupid staying up all of this time waiting for my ex to call me back like she said she would. I always do this. Expect people to do things that they say they are going to do. That has always been a very big issue for me. I know better than anybody that this just leads to great disappointments. Now I'm upset and can't sleep. I know this is really silly of me to expect this from an ex, because she surely isn't obligated to me anymore. I mean she did stuff like this when we were together. *Sigh* I will learn one day.

This next portion may be a little bit too much information for most people, but I don't care. This is my blog and I'm going to write whatever I want to. Another reason why I'm up is because I'm extremely sexually backed up. This is another thing that I was expecting tonight, and is yet another disappointment. I've been really good since July and haven't done anything at all. I'm a very sexual person and the feelings are controlled solely through mental stimulation. I've stressed this to my ex so many times and it just didn't seem to happen. Everyone is different and when it comes to sex I am very picky with it. It's always easy to lay someone the very first time, because its a total mental game. That is when you're getting into the mind of someone for the very first time. The mental foreplay is out of this world, if that person is capable of holding some sort of intellectual conversation. However, after that first time for me; the mental stimulation bar is raised. Something else has to be done or said for me to keep coming back for more. Sometimes, people get mentally lazy though and just expect the sex to come naturally. Not with me. You have to keep stimulating my mind and stroking that sexual ego, or it's a dud for me. I guess this is why my list is so long. I'm not proud of that, but that is a department I get very bored with very fast if my needs are not met mentally. Another one of my life's catch 22's.

So here I am up, mentally and sexually frustrated. Sleep has lost this battle. I have alot of thinking to do and a few decisions to make now. I won't go into such details in this blog, but will wait until I make those decisions and lay them out thereafter. This is something that I cannot do anymore. Wait up for someone else, no matter who it is. Its been made official that people will do what they want to do when they want to do at their own convenience. Being considerate and doing the right thing in my eyes is something that is often looked over by most people I deal with. Oh well, such is life right? A major event that is full of disappointments, trial and error. Well I'm going back to try and find the light in the darkness of my room. Goodmorning.
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