This week should be interesting for me. A lot of changes have happened over the week of my vacation. This is my first week back for a full work schedule. The end of the month is coming up and the workload will be pretty heavy. But that’s not the only thing that will be heavy. My heart is weighing pretty heavy right now. I've been praying that my current break-up goes smoothly for me and I do not find myself too down and depressed over it. Last night, I felt pretty stupid waiting on a phone call all night from my ex. It's easy to say that I won't and don't expect anything from her, but when you love someone you have faith in them. You trust the fact that they will do their best to make certain changes and not make the same mistakes over and over again. Love is and investment. You are investing your time, energy and emotion into someone in hopes of a pretty sweet deal in the process. It's like a stock market though. That stock that you've but ALL of your funds into goes up and down. When it's up, your smiling and you know you've hit the lottery. When it's down, it feels like shit.
I'm going to have to do some more praying and more focusing to keep my mind off of this whole ordeal. I don’t have time right now to not be able to function throughout my day. My days are much too long for that. I have too many responsibilities throughout my day. It's a bittersweet feeling. More bitter than sweet, because this woman is still heavy on my heart. I miss her and yes, I still want her, but I know what I have to do for myself. I also know that issues going on within her have to be handled without me. I was only there and played the same role as everyone else in her life that just accepted the way that she treated them. Don't get me wrong; I still love this woman, but I just can't take being beat down into the ground again and again and let it go as if it's okay. She doesn't know how to change and until she figures it out and actually goes full force into those changes, we can no longer be. Maybe there is someone out there who is able to handle her the way that she is. That's not me though. In my last blog, I stated that I've come way too far in my womanhood and my own personal changes to be beat back down and pressured into reverting back to my old ways. This is a great loss for me, but I know that time will heal this like it has healed all my other wounds.
Monday, 22 September, 2008
Aquarius (20 Jan - 18 Feb)
You have a fairly objective way of looking ahead and your plans for the next month may be based more on cool logic than on your emotional desires. You should be able to set your personal wishes aside for a while as you quietly focus on your commitments at work. Taking care of business is second nature to you these days, so accomplish as much as you can while you have the time and energy.
So my cool logic is now the director of my life's film again. For the past 2 months I've let my emotions direct my actions and my thoughts. It felt good for awhile, but when the heart is wounded; its not a good idea to let the emotions keep taking control. That’s when emotional suicide is committed. I have to be smart about this and give my heart the time it needs to heal. So focusing on work and other things that need to be taken care of in my personal life will keep my best interest at heart.
I was talking with my ex yesterday and we spoke about moving on to other "love interest" and I'm just not interested in doing so. There was a time back in the day that during this situation; I would have just gone off and slept with a couple people to ease my pain and replenish my soul in some sick way. I had that male mentality and dating a few women at one time would make all of my heartaches feel better. I stopped doing that though. In fact, right before I met my ex, I was not dating anyone and I was seriously taking time out by myself. I wasn't looking for love and I wasn't interested in dating anyone. This is how I feel right now. As sexually frustrated as I am right now, I don’t plan on hopping in the bed with anyone, because I know I would just be using that person. Those days are over. Long gone. So I'll beat these desires in other ways. I'll need a wish and a prayer though, loll.
I've been thinking about this way too much. I just have to throw this one up in the hands of the Lord like I do all of my uncontrollable issues. I'll let Him handle this one. I've prayed that he keeps me focused on my work and all other non emotional things in my life. I'm going to hop to it now. My leaf has turned over completely now and I'm only doing this for my heart. I made a promise to it a long time ago, and I'm holding true to that promise.
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