Acquiescence

Waving the white flag

surrendering to my thoughts

In complete submission to you

A victory you win over and over again

I wish you’d collect your prize already

And leave

But I surrender

Distance has no space

Time has no tick

Submerged in numbing tranquility

A silence so piercing

totally blinding the mind’s eye

I wish you’d feel this pain I feel

And leave

But I surrender

Fill my mind with your ever being

Overflow my eyes with your beauty

Replay every memory shared with you

Over and over

Again and again

Fill me up with the lies

Because you know the truth kills me

Please don’t leave

I surrender

This white flag I wave

Stained with the blood of my heart

All I have are these memories

Living vicariously through these fantasies

I surrender to every thought of you

Painfully indulged in silent … acquiescence

Copyright © 2011 T. Nicole

The Expected

Today I feel rather blah. I've been having such a positive week. Trying to remain focused on my goals, and keeping my energy focused on what is liable to get me further in life. However, the expected is occurring; I miss the feeling. I can't say I miss her, because I haven't had the pleasure of her in months. The addiction of love can oh so easily cross the line of misery. Especially, if the love you miss turned out to be the very cause of your pain. So I miss the feeling of misery? I mean because, that's all it adds up to.
I had the same feelings when I was trying to get over my ex. It's such a guilty feeling, because I know I shouldn't be feeling it. It's to be expected though. I just have to pray and shake it off. I refuse to give into the temptation of the skeletons of my past. Besides, I've already given way too much of myself to my past. Now I owe everything I have left to my future. This too shall pass.
Still aboard this Freedom Train, and trusting in His route !

A Liberated Destiny

Now boarding the freedom train.

In the musical bliss of Coltrane.
Growth sprouting from my pain.
Clear sunny skies & no rain.
To remain shackled…

Would be a damn shame!

These past couple of days have been clear and breezy, like a bright sunny day. My mind surprisingly didn’t have a cloud in sight. It’s like my heart caught a severe case of amnesia, and appeared to be everything less than heavy. Simply put, I feel good. This is, despite the constant troubles of the world we live in today. Respect and peace to Troy Davis, by the way. But “ain’t nobody worryin’” right? RIGHT. Smh.

I feel like I’d been up for parole, and my release date came EARLY. Being psychologically and emotionally shackled can shake the soul and damage the body in more ways than one. “Slowly, surely I walk away from” & enough is enough! As fucked up as the world is; it’s still a sight to see! It’s constantly turning, and it has been doing so without me! I’m trying to maintain a humble sprit on this slow journey to freedom, but I’m so close, I can taste it. & it tastes G O O D !

Just call me Harriet Tubman, because I got my ticket & I’m riding one deep on this FREEDOM TRAIN!

The Explanation

I’ve been trying to find a way to start this blog again, and keep it going. I’ve seemed to have lost the momentum in my passion. Life has been a bit of a struggle; not only in love, but in many aspects of my life. I thought I lost my muse. I thought I lost my will. I thought I lost my ambition. I thought I lost my drive. I even thought I lost my faith. I forgot about my dreams. I forgot about my future. I ignored my present, and I’ve been stumbling over the skeletons of my past. I’ve been out here hustling. On a diehard hustle for love. I’ve been chasing love all of this time. I’ve been handing my heart over to strangers, and holding them responsible for the great loss of myself. Looking for love in all the wrong places. Isn’t that what they say? Well, I’ve been in the wrong place, on the wrong day, and at the wrong time.

The pieces of me are scattered about my past. On the different coordinates of the map. On the routes I chose to take in love. With every tear, every sleepless night, every ache, and every pain; I lost a little piece of me. I went against everything I believed in. The core values of the woman that I am still resides inside of me, and I’ve been trying so hard to redeem myself. The year is rounding near it’s end, and I have a goal to meet. I’ve peeled back every layer of myself, and I feel so vulnerable and exposed to the world. I feel like when people look at me; they see every flaw, blemish and bruise. They see all my pain and they can smell my weaknesses from afar. There has been a fear set in me, and it’s caused me to just….stop. I’ve been so caught up in the superficial thrills of “love” diluted and polluted with illusion and lust. Constantly drowning in the shallow waters on a lonely beach.

I’ve lost my damn mind…

There’s no one else to blame, but me. I’ve been existing in a reality below my potential. My standards have been tremendously lowered, and intertwined within the excuse of comfortableness. I’ve been settling for less. Taking any old thing from any old body. Life has just been…blah. Chasing love gave me a bit of a challenge; or so I thought, but in reality I just ended up putting too much focus in the wrong people. All I did was end up hurting myself, and ended up losing more of myself every time. My mind has been nothing less than idle. I’ve had very little mental stimulation, and my thoughts have become chaotic. The outcome; I’m  an emotional wreck. On the contrary, there is a different me on the other side of this mountain, and I’m anxious to see the woman in the mirror beyond the alps. This reckless journey was not traveled in vain. All that I thought was lost and forgotten, still exists. Oh and my muse? It still resides everywhere around. It seeps from the positive energy and light brought forth from my friends and family. It exists behind the melody, within the lyrics; soulfully bouncing throughout the music . My muse still resides in….ME.

I’ll never stop hustling in life and love. My perception is a bit more clear now, but I’ll remain in solitude until I can shake off this last bit of debris from my garments. No regrets, because we all need a little bit of dirt to grow. Now, I choose to travel forth with no rear views. I respect and accept all that is my past. It helped mold and shape me into who I am. My value is greater than it’s ever been. However, I refuse to look back on anything and anyone NOT looking back at me. What’s done is done, and it’s all been charged to the game of life and love. 

Stand Firm...

Are you proud of your footprints in life? Your choices may not have been too smart, but are you proud of what you’ve walked through, over or around? Are you living life with no regrets? Has where you’ve been truly brought you to where you’re at currently? That last question to be taken in the most positive sense if you will. I personally can answer YES to all of these questions. The storm, the rain, the hurt, and the pain were only boulders pushing out all weakness that resided within me. The foundation laid down after everything was said done is stronger than ever! I have grown so much this year, and I’ve come along way as a woman. I’m happy to say that I’m proud of who I am.

Be as firm as you can about what you want when it comes to love. Your outlook is a work in progress -- rapid progress, for now -- so it's vital that you keep your core values front and center. - Shine

I’m a woman who definitely believes in compromise (now, loll), and it took some time and some hard falls in love to reach this point. However, when it comes to two individuals naturally walking different paths in life; at what point does such compromise alter who you are? Those core values are everything you stand for. They help map out the DNA in from which you are designed. Is it okay for you to “sit down” for love? Honestly, what good comes out of making it so far in your personal life to forget why you stand so tall today? Love is powerful. It moves and changes people for good and for bad. I believe when you’re trying to “fit” in love with another individual there is some molding that’s involved to sculpt you into that perfect piece of art in the eyes of the other person. Honestly speaking, I love my art just the way it is. This may be coming from the sprinkled about bitter debris, but I’ve lost sight of who I was for the likes of love (or lack thereof) one too many times.

I’ve changed completely for love, because I felt like such changes would keep the other person IN love. I’ve zipped my mouth shut, I’ve taken blame in falsely accused situations, I’ve lowered my caliber of thinking, I’ve shallowed the depths of my thoughts, I’ve re-arranged my life’s plans, I’ve ignored my family, I’ve ignored my friends, I’ve ignored my conscience, I’ve even altered my faith for failed attempts at love in my past. All of which took me not to be proud of then, to be proud of who I am today. So excuse me if I want to bask in the ambiance of a little success, happiness, confidence, and peace of mind. At my lowest points; I never thought I’d make it to take my next breath, let alone THIS stage in my womanhood.

You can't break your neck to satisfy everybody, because everybody damn sure ain't doing it for you! To live & love is worth a lot, but to live, love AND stay true to who you are is priceless! - T. Nicole

So without assumption, over analyzing, and/or technicality; simply put, I love me and who I’ve become. I know for a fact that it will take a woman on this same caliber of love for herself to accept who I am one hundred percent. I’ll wait…

Impressions

You know how to give the benefit of the doubt, but you also need to view people realistically. Don't forget how important first impressions can be -- you need to pay attention to your feelings. - Shine (Love & Relationships)

 

It's said that they mean everything. The beginning stage of a single memory is an impression. Without impressions there would be nothing to be intrigued by. Life would have no mystery. Life would be a exactly what it is; with no questions asked. Bottom line; life would be rather dull to say the least. Words that come out of an individuals mouth can be very powerful. They can be life altering. They can take your gray skies, and turn them blue again. Those words can be the greatest of truths, but they can also be the boldest of lies.

Depending on the importance of the encounter; we usually put on our best behavior for the occasion. It's like wearing your best Sunday clothes on a Tuesday; it means THAT much at THAT moment. That first moment. Our ears and minds are erect; standing at attention. We don't want to miss a beat. It's an adrenaline rush, and you want everything you say to be heard; whether it be the truth or a lie. Whatever is cleaver huh? In fact, if you can get past this first impression; some part of you has won the other person over either way.

Realistically speaking, a person's words to impress, are just words. That person may very well be capable of putting those exact words into action. That person could also have every intention of putting those words into action. Expectations often times lead to disappointment. So to expect every word to be true might be fault on your behalf. Giving the benefit of the doubt is beautiful, because everyone is different. However, humans are humans. I can't begin to name all of the wonderful first impressions that I've had that turned out to be nothing than I could ever imagine. The most simple recipe for any encounter; EXPECT NOTHING!

Between every lie are traces of the truth. Listen closely and watch carefully. Listen to your first mind; no matter how fast and how loud your heart might be beating. For when that beat begins to even out, and that sound isn't so loud; you might be left with the shattering sounds of reality. “Human kind cannot bear very much reality.” – T.S. Eliot; Four Quartets, Burnt Norton. So just like the first time you took your first hit, swallow, or sniff of any type of controlling substance; that unnatural high can lead you down a very deceiving and destructive path.

Stay true to yourself above all else. Make sure you're ready for what you choose to face. Make sure you're willing to accept everything you ask for. If you selflessly claim to love another individual, show them through constant action rather than your words. What you tell them on day 1 honestly doesn't matter on day 999, because if it's true; whatever they asked you on the first day; they'll proudly say again on 999th day. The greatest impressions are followed by consistency. By all means, impress me. Approach me with your best, because you better believe I'm standing before you doing the same. Just remember, you can only stretch a lie so far. The truth is everlasting.

**Only a matter of time before the meaning to what was lost is revealed. Hence the word everlasting; so technically what was stepped over will still be there when that time comes.**

The Figurative Heart

Genesis 3:5 – “For God knows that in the very day of your eating from it your eyes will be opened and you are bound to be like God, knowing good and bad.” (This is what Satan in the form of a serpent told Eve about the tree of knowledge of good and bad)

In my opinion, this is the most pivotal moment in the history of humankind. The day our fore parents gained knowledge of good and bad; is the day all of humankind was cursed. The innocent mind was then erased, and filled with mini parasites forming fearful and wicked thoughts. Needless to say, this is what makes it very hard to maintain peace of mind. The brain is constantly turning. Constantly producing thoughts both good and bad. Back in the day of our fore parents; man had no life decisions. God worked very hard for six days creating, furnishing, and perfecting the earth for mankind. He set one rule that He expected to be obeyed by man. As long as this rule was obeyed; our fore parents could live about freely and peacefully throughout the Garden of Eden. Unfortunately, that rule was disobeyed, and the forbidden fruit was partaken.



Thus, here we are. All offspring of our fore parents living in this sinful world. Filled with both good and bad. Our eyes are opened wide shut! Roaming about the wicked earth aimlessly and blind; trying to survive each day. Life’s battles come hard and they come fast. The battle in the mind is what bruises us the most. Knowledge; what we think we know and what we know nothing about. What we happen to gain from certain knowledge through life’s battles, is wisdom.

"We are not what we look like, we are not how physically strong we are, and we are not the knowledge we have memorized. We are, what we are, because of what we do with what we have become. You can feed two people with the same food and teach them with the same teachers and they will each process the information differently. It is only when a parent or a teacher reaches the persons heart that he becomes empowered to become more than he was, and he is empowered to keep becoming more than he is." - Stephen Kishel

Using the good sense God gave me; I’m brought to a time in my own personal life where I have to cover myself. Take the knowledge that I have; both good and bad, and run with it. Just as my fore parents did when they realized their bodies were exposed to all around them. Face to face with my own reality; I must gather my tools and decipher between the good and bad within. Friends and foes. Priorities and options. Dreams and nightmares. Reality and fantasy. Love and hate. Life and death. My mother reminded me over this past weekend that the literal heart can be deceiving, but the figurative heart has to be trained. In a figurative sense my current reality has caused my heart to become so battered and bruised. It’s time to take a step back as an artist in life, and re-evaluate what I’ve created thus far on my life’s painting. It’s beyond time for a different stroke. Time to change my scene, upgrade my reality, and train my figurative heart to become much more than what I already am.

Stage Play

It's 5am, and I'm up listening to Donny; smoking. It's been a pretty lonely weekend. This might be a self pitty party I'm throwing over here, but I just haven't wanted to be bothered lately. I feel like my smiles have been a bit fake, and I refuse to take anyone on my usual "rebound journey". That always ends up biting me in the ass. The whole "don't chase em'; replace em'" attitude. It's the most easiest way to get over a heartache of any kind. Validation is the key right? Because, that's what you lose sight of when your heart is broken. Your value. Your worth. Your reason for being.

It's crazy just how fast you can lose sight of these things too. The heart can be very deceiving when it battles with the mind. Each day gets better. My slowly nursing myself back to my usual nonchalant self. Me and love have been through some battles man! Love has been like a stage play for me. I'll audition for the best leading lady for the role, and you better believe she knocked me dead in her audition. The play will be a hit for the first couple of months (if it lasts that long), but then the actress starts to show her true character. Her acting skills vanished. Not too soon after that; the curtains close. Then I'm back to auditioning for another leading lady for yet another stage play.

These leading ladies were merely playing their role. Maybe it's me that flips the script though. I've played with love alot in my past. I've turned my back on it. I've said it in vain. I've taken it for granted. I've misused and abused it. I've taken it to the top of the charts, and body slammed it back down to the bottom. The older I get; the more I yearn for the real thing. No stage play. No actresses. No props. No audience. No curtains. I don't want some 1 to 4 month fling. I want to put in some real time with a real and genuine person. I'm content with my life right now. It's been quite some time since I've been able to actually say that. I still have this void. A void love has busted wide open! The past couple of relationships these voids were still there even when love was in the picture. Or something I thought was love.

Recently, I've got to experience a type of love that finally filled that forever growing void. My whole world was turned upside down with this love. It was the happiest I had ever been, and that love came into my life like a thief in the night. Robbed me for my heart. Gave me everything I desired. Told me everything I wanted to hear. Wasn't afraid to tell me what I didn't want to hear. Loved me for me, and simply because; I loved it. Turned my house into a home. Shared my space. Invaded my mind, body and soul. Then...it left quicker than it came. Left me with this stranger. This empty being. This faceless soul. Pages of the script blowing in the whirlwind around us. Another actress. Another stage play. Another audience. Curtains close.

I can't blame anybody for that though. Especially not the stranger. She was just playing her role. Now here I am with this battle. Accepting the fact that the curtains are closed. The leading lady is gone. More than likely; on to another play. On a different tour. With a new writer. A new script. Or maybe it's the same old script. Either way; she played the hell out of her part. Standing ovation. Never did I once want those curtains to close. Never did I ever once want to wake out of the dream I was living in. Never did I once thing the feeling would fade this time. Not on my part, and I'm proud to say; it didn't. But I quickly found out; I wasn't directing this one. What I felt honestly meant nothing this time around. It's like someone poured hot coffee all over the script and the ink bled from the pages. Blank. Empty. Unfulfilled. There goes that void again.

She started reading from a different script on me though. I didn't have a copy of this one. I was still stuck on the old script. I knew it by heart. Everything in her script went against everything in my heart. She was no longer reading from her heart. I honestly don't know if she ever was. Perhaps that's why it was so easy for her to forget. So easy for her to get her hands on another script. Imagine how frustrating that is. Lots of people have been in situations like this. They happen all of the time. The one reading from the heart usually is the only one that gets knocked down emotionally. The one who loses sight of his/her value, worth, and reason for being.

So here I am. 6am. Can't sleep; thinking about my last leading lady. I'm still stuck in the whirlwind. Pages of the empty script flying all around me. I'm here alone. Same script etched in my heart. I've grown tired of forcing my heart back into the strangers hands. The bottom line; she shares the same stage as I, but she's reading from a different scripts. All I have is whats in my heart.

Love On A One-Way Street

What is love without compromise? What is love without communication? What is love without some sort of understanding? What is love without patience? What is love without trust? Clearly, love isn't SHIT without all of these ingredients. It becomes frustrating, heartbreaking and downright stressful. Feels as if you're going down that one-way the WRONG way!

I'm going to save the rest of my thoughts and feelings for my private blog!

Wanna Be Loved

Jill Scott "Wanna Be Loved"

Don't feel no pity for me

Cause I'm going through a couple things,

Life means change,

That's the way it goes,goes

All my life I had a constant burning

A strong deep,desire

An aching ambiguous,yearning,yearning,

yearning

For something better

For something bigger

For something wider

For something higher

And lots of regrets

Cause I ain't seem to found it yet

I've been searching around the world

Never knowing what to expect

I get sad sometimes

Yes I be mad sometimes

Cause I'm out here on the grind

Making mine

And I still can't seem to find

What I've been looking for

Opened so many doors

For real,yo

I just wanna be loved...

[Chorus:]

I just wanna be loved

Like everybody else does

I just wanna be loved

Like many people; I love me some Jill Scott. This song has been hitting home for quite some time now. I'm a content place in my life right now. There are many things I still need to work on, but I'm content. My work will never be done in life. I'll always have something to work on, but I'm finally content with who I am, and where I am in life. I have this deep, deep yearning for love. It's screwing with my heart, because it keeps coming so close I can actually feel it. Then...it slips away.

I want an unconditional and 50/50 type of love. I want to spend my time with someone. I want to spend my nights talking to someone. I want to spend my entire weekends with someone. I want to go places, travel and see new things. I want to go out and be social with my mate. I want to cuddle at home, and spend lazy Sunday's watching movies. I don't want any unnecessary drama. I want to be listened to. I want to be understood. I want to be appreciated for all of my efforts in trying to keep the love alive. I want to be loved. REAL LOVE! I want it to last...

Pushing The Pride Aside

Like a newborn fresh out the womb
its your nourishment I need to consume
in mass quantities
a food for the soul that lasts forever
you're my teacher
and its your knowledge I treasure
In your opinions I hold utmost respect
to voice such I tend to neglect
a lifetime difficulty to overcome I have tried
many tears of frustration I have cried
what seems to be the hardest thing to do
is push my pride aside



Daily Couples: Brought to you from Yahoo!


You don't usually stress too much about getting ahead in the world, but you may be feeling those concerns now. Reassurance is there in the form of your sweetie, but they won't know you need it unless you ask.

My pride has always been a very big issue for me. It's hard to bend a person like me. I'm very stubborn and stuck in my ways like none other. It's in my genetic pool. From my great parents to my grand parents, and on to my parents. Puffed up with pride. We have to do everything by ourselves and in our way. Pride is an honorable trait to obtain, but to have too much of it can be a bad thing. You start to hurt those around you to protect your own ego.


Sometimes we forget that the people in our corner need our help in order to help us. We automatically expect them to know what's going on inside of us, and this is not fair to them. They only can support so much going off what we have communicated to them. When big changes come around in life; brining on extra stress, we sometimes lash out on the people who are closest to us. They only thing they are guilty of is trying to help as much as they can. If they don't say or do what we EXPECT them to do; we take major offense to it. Stopping and thinking about the situation; did you really voice what you needed from them? Or did you think they could read what's on the inside of you and automatically save your day? I am OH SO GUILTY of this.

Putting your pride aside, and asking your mate for help when needed is not a bad thing. It's a very good thing. It also shows your mate that you respect and trust them. To feel needed in a loving relationship is a very good feeling. This is one publish where I have to seriously practice what I preach. Ha! Just ask my mate!

The Mental VS. The Physical

Mental or Physical? Sink or swim?

What makes your sexual libido peak to it's highest point? Is it the physical or the mental? Some people only vision the beauty of a human body through two eyes. Sadly, only capturing the outside sculpture of would could be a life changing masterpiece. The mere physical attraction is good enough for these people. For those of us viewing the world through our mind's eye have the pleasure of being sexually touched by a beauty deeper than the outer lustful layer of skin. This is both bitter and sweet. Not everyone has the capability of touching someone mentally. It does take a rather intellectually confident person to fill a mind with brilliant bits of information, consciously turning them into sexual innuendos; causing that mind to over flow with uncontrollable climaxes.

I personally am a fan of mental orgasms. I've been in situations where there was no physical contact made, but the mere conversation alone took me to that level. I LOVE those moments. I miss those moments. I haven't had an experience like that for quite some time. For the most part, my mental is peaked sexually on first encounters. The sense of the newness alone attracts me. If there is some sort of flirtatious chase; that only ups the ante. Sad to say, once the newness fades; so does my interest. It does take a lot to lose my interest. Receptiveness is a no-no. I need for a person to take me to new levels. I need to learn new things. What I really need is to sit on the passenger side for once. I want for someone to mentally chauffeur me around, hold my hand and explore the beats of the world together. Climaxing to that beat along the way is only a perk, but it comes naturally to say the least.

As strong and opinionated as my personality is; it's hard to find someone who can fit confidently in that driver's seat. In the past this has made my dating rap sheet quite lengthy. It's always a hit and miss. The physical attraction will basically set up for it's disappearing act; I touch and I vanish. To be mentally touched over and over and over again; causing all of my guards to be let down, because I am a hostage to a person's realm of knowledge and wisdom that I manifest. That is deeper than any physical attraction I've ever encountered...

heart to heart

soul to soul
word for word

she speaks to me

in a language foreign but understood

in a way that only she could

her face I cannot see
for her back is to me
her words are all I need

pierce me

wake me

school me

mentally invade me

my mind is your playground

swing, slide, run, jump

causing my heart to thump

faster and faster

I'm astounded by your intellect

there is no beat that you neglect

your magnetic vibe pulling me in

starting to feel a heated sensation from deep within

every breath taken
escaping in familiar rhythms
I'm there yet again
what you do has got to be a sin
Greed has taken over
I listen thirstily searching for more
For it is your face I cannot see

I swear this happens

Each and every time you speak to me

Will my thirst for this encounter be quenched anytime soon? Will the situation I'm in sink or swim, because of this itch buried deep within? I hope not, for I am ready to hand my keys over and snuggle comfortably in that passengers seat. Letting the mental outweigh the physical, and carry me away to that ecstasy that I have been yearning for. The potential is there, but some people just need a little push in the right direction.

So what's your choice? The mental or the physical?

Love in the 80's

Wow, long time no write around these parts. I've been missing in action for quite some time; I apologize. I do have some things to get off my chest though. I've been writing old school style lately. Good old fashioned pen and paper. Other than that; where have I been? Well, I've been out on the town with love. I've finally found a woman who seems to be suitable for me. Anyone who has kept up with this blog knows my struggle when it comes to females. Boy do I know how to pick em'! I think I did alright for myself this time.

Everyone keeps telling me that this woman isn't what they pictured me with. Yes, she is out of the norm for me, but that’s a good thing. That was my problem; I would always fall for the same type of female and end up with the same problems. I was use to dealing with girls, and now I have a woman. The only thing left for me to do is get my mind right. Get out of that state of mind that I was so use to being in. I'm use to the fireworks going off by now. I'm use to being on a constant roller coaster ride, but this woman is no amusement park. She's almost perfect, and that scares me a little. Nothing sets her off, and she's so easy going about EVERYTHING. That’s a good thing right? I believe it is. She doesn't get jealous over any other female that may still be calling my phone. Her confidence and security level is through the roof. That's a great thing. She doesn't argue or debate, and she agrees with pretty much everything. Nothing is a big deal with here. In this, I am bitter-sweet.

Me being the woman I am; I need that "kick" in a relationship. I need to be put in my place 70% of the time. I need to feel like I'm in a relationship. For some reason, I still feel like I'm single. I feel free, because she's so passive. I'm use to the 21 questions. I'm use to the possessive tendencies. I'm use to the disagreements that turn me on and anticipate me for the make up session. But everything with her is….perfect. I'm use to dealing with Tasha Smith character on Why Did I Get Married, but I got the Jill Scott. Why complain? I got everything I asked for. She's the total package. I'm so use to being in a chaotic romantic setting, that I don't know how to deal in peace.

My whole fear in this perfect relationship; is that I'll grow bored. I'm no good when I'm bored, because that hardly EVER happens to me. This is why that "kick" in the relationship keeps me on my toes. It keeps me alert and keeps me fired up to keep going. I don't want to be the typical lesbian, and thrive off drama. I believe I'm a far cry from the typical lesbian, but a thickened plot makes the story so much better. I just don't want to keep looking like the evil villain, because of what I'm use to. The last thing I want to do is keep hurting her feelings, because I don’t know how to play the hand I was dealt; which is the one that I asked for.

This is still in it's early stages, and in my eyes only has the potential to get better with time. I don’t want my ways to push her away. My extreme loner ways. My unaffectionate ways. My independent ways. Oh, and yes being too independent can be a bad thing. Your mate might feel obsolete, because you do everything on your own and want no input or help. I'm good for this. All things I am working on. The affectionate thing will probably never come though. That's just not me. Nobody in my family is affectionate other than my half sister. I grew up with a mother and father that didn’t even sleep in the same bed. We didn't eat dinner together at the table. Every family member were for themselves. We were 3 strangers under one roof. So affection is something that came every blue moon for me my entire life. You can't miss something you never really had. You also can't be expected to give it either.

All I can say is; I can't let past dealings with psychotic females cause me to mess up something good. Something that I'll probably on get one chance in my life to encounter. She is my 80 after ohhhh soooo many 20's. Love in the 20's brought me nothing but bitterness and heartache. I got everything but what I truly needed out of those situations. Love in the 80's brings maturity, understanding, unconditional love, peace and and a sense of compassion any man or woman only dreams about. I'm thankful. I love her. I just need to get my mind right and FAST!!!

The Hunter

I had a bad night last night. Everything was cool at first. I went too my usual trip out to my parents house with my big sister, spent some time with them, ate, watched movies, washed clothes, and had a great time. It wasn't until after I dropped my sister off, and was heading back to my apartment that my climate started to shift. Eyes focused on the road; with tunnel vision starting form. I could feel the tears sting within my ducts and my eyelids blinking in overdrive attempting to fight them off. They lost the battle though. Before I knew it; I was crying a river traveling down 610 North. I was trapped within my thoughts, and was now in an open range for reality's target practice. I'd been shot.


I was trapped in thoughts of the past, present and future. Battling with questions of why's, what if's, and how can I's like a major ping pong tournament. Yes, I couldn't done some things in my past much differently. Those things would have altered my present, and might've made my future much more sweeter. My mom was telling me just yesterday how she was thinking about my first day of school, and how pretty I looked. She told me that she cried, but I was eager to go in. I wonder how my life would be right now if my very first day of school would've gone differently. What if I were not so eager to attend that first day of class. What if that new environment scared me shitless. What if I didn't make any friends that day? What if I didn't learn anything that day? How would I be as a woman today, if anything changed on that day? Curiosity is getting the best of me, no doubt. However, the things that are said and done cannot be changed. If my present is not what it is now, who really knows where I'd be. I might not be the same woman that I am today. I cannot say that is good or bad.


After leaving my family last night, I did realize yet again how lonely I truly am. With all the individuals that may crowd my space at times, I'm still lonely. Those individuals are just props. They help me get by, and pose a knock off versions of what I think I truly want and desire. Selfish? A little bit, I can't lie. I've been approached by the devil on many occasions in the form of beautiful women, and I've partaken of their forbidden fruit almost every time. SO many bites later, and I have nothing to show for it. I'm still by myself. I'm still yearning for companionship. I hide behind my self conjured fantasies, and I psyche myself out in attempts to make myself believe that I'm happy being a single bachelorette. However, I'm just the game, playing the field, dodging what's real. I'm the target and last night I was shot dead by reality.

The Season Of Love

….is DEAD. Do not resuscitate! Let that muthafucka go! Love doesn't live here anymore. I'm not the only one feeling it. It seems like the season is just over. Lot's of folks are going through it. The heartbreak and heartache caused by the deportation of love. I recently ended a relationship that was built on a lie and drug through the dirt by false hope. I think I felt more betrayal and resentment than heartache, but I guess it's all the same thing huh? It wasn't bad though. I've been through much worse. I didn't lose any sleep or miss any meals. I've been living life as normal. I really don't have time for heartache right now. Too many things have to be accomplished in my day. So thank God I was spared this go round. I wish I could say the same for others I know. =(

It's something we all must go through in my eyes. It's almost destined like that life and death. We all suffer from the loss of love. Once you get past the hurting and pull the proper lessons out of the experience; it can only make you a better person.

"Every time we lay awake
after every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
still I haven't missed you yet
Every roommate kept awake
by every silent scream we make
Only when I stop to think about it
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?"

- 3 Days Grace

I swear I didn't want to write about this today. I've been dodging this post for the past week. I've been trying to find another outlet I suppose. I've been doing good thus far with keeping it off the brain. I hate to wallow in self pity and breast stroke through spilled milk. Clean it up and pour another class. I am my mother's child, and dwelling in depression is something we just don't do. However, with some things its easier said than done. My good friend is going through something that I've been through one too many times. Way beyond the point of desire. I feel her pain, and I wish I could take it all from her. Time has to run it's course though. It's like indulging on something so sweet that you know will leave a bitter after taste. We live for that first bite though don't we? Nobody can tell us anything once we get our hands on it! The devil is a lie, and the truth ain't in him!!! I'm going on a fast.

Listening Ear

Before I get into this I have to laugh my ass off @ The Dreamy One! I know you think all my blogs are about different people, but they aren't. I mean I can be indecisive, but damn! Most of these joints are about the same person. I'm caught on an emotional love rollercoaster, and I can't get off. Forgive me, if my blog emotions change like my draws. Frankly, I'm not even trying to get off this rollercoaster. I'm digging' the ride.

I'm slowly getting back into this blog thing. I have more followers on this blog than I thought I ever would. I want to stop by everyone's spot and read my little ass off. That'll take an entire day to do, loll. I'll get there though, so don't stop reading me, because you think I'm not reading you. So I want to welcome the new viewers. This blog isn't all that spectacular. Most blogs I see are strictly about fashion, gossip and music. I keep my shit real, personal and down to earth. This is me. This is how I live my life, and this is how I view life through my eyes. Right now, I'm all in love so if a little lesbian dramatic love scene doesn't offend you, stick around.

Aquarius Love Scope - January 14, 2009

Take a look beneath the surface to get a better idea of what is going on in your relationship. Let your loved one know you are available to lend an ear if there's something on their mind.

The one thing that is truly needed in a healthy relationship is communication, but also the listening ear. On this ride, we've had some hearing issues. However, I think we found the right hearing aide to guide us to our next step in love. I never thought we'd get there though, loll I can't lie. I felt I had entered the cemented fun house and my words were bouncing off the walls slapping me right back in the face. It was not a good feeling.

Everything is not always everything. Shit happens, and yes I am a firm believer in tough love. What I find not worth crying over, someone else may not be able to stop crying over. Sometimes I want to slap people for the tiny situations that they call problems. In my eyes, the world literally never stops spinning so you need to keep moving right along with it. Whatever you're going through can always be worse. However, people still need that listening ear. They still need that shoulder to cry on. I'm trying to provide that for my love. It can be hard, because half the time I just don't see the logic behind it all. However, it's not my life. She's the artist, and I'm merely her number one fan hanging on to every stroke with every brush, with every color she chooses to place on her canvas. I can critique all I want to, but this is her masterpiece. I respect that, and I respect her. I'm here in any way, shape or form.

Now that we seem to be on the same page, I do hope that the feelings and duties are mutual.

Can You Hear Me Now?

I'm suppose to be on this sabattical. Taking my break from the outside world. If only I could stay away from the earthlings; I would. However, I still have to make a living and pay bills. I have this intellectual void that needs to be filled. My good friend no longer has time for me; so those conversations that could only be held with her have come to an end. Don't know what's going on with The Black Experience meet up group, but that was suppose to be another way to give my brain a bath. Who knows. I haven't really been talking to anyone. The person I have been talking to is really giving me this touch and go blues. I don't dare waste my intellectual thoughts on her. I already feel like most of my words are vanishing in thin air as it is. It's really dsappointing. I'm use to people being thouroughly interested in me. Interested in what my beliefs are. Interested in what makes me tick. Interested in what I feel about current events. I'm use to brain teasing converstaions. Most of our conversations revolve around her. I just sit back and listen. I can only hope that my responses to her will be fully heard.

I haven't been writing hardly anything. I'm use to ones that are actually interested in me, to ask "hey why haven't you wrote anything lately?" "Have you wrote today?" "I'm missing something here, link me to your latest blog." I don't get that from her. She's super caught up in her own world. She' in love with the idea of me. She loves the fact that I am here. But just because a person is on the phone or in your presense doesn't mean that they are all there. My personaltily won't allow me to throw everything out in the open. I don't like things being ALL about me, this is why I ask questions. I show my interest and I ask the whys and hows. I prove with my actions that I am interested in the person I'm with. I don't know, I just feel incompaitable right now. Like I don't fit. I keep hoping that this feeling will vanish, but as the days go by; it's only the same scenario. A ounce of me is living in her world. My thing is, will she ever thirst for more? Or has she overdosed on that little bit? Can she not handle anymore?

I don't like feeling like an attention whore, because I'm not. I'm just a person who is use to being studied by the mentally intrigued. So I'm waiting. Am I just waiting for her to get bored? Am I waiting for myself to get bored, because even though it rarely happens to me; I do get bored. I get bored when my brain is in park. I get bored when I'm not learning anything more. I get bored when the information highway is not directing two-way traffic. My interest starts to wander. The intellectual becomes a magnet to my attention, and up and away I go. I do need this girl to show, and give me more. I am finding myself demanding it and my words falling upon deaf ears. However, things like this no one should demand. I can't make anybody show interest in me, loll. That's insane. Either it's there or it isn't. 2009 is suppose to be my year of not settling. However, I can't help but to feel like I started off the year doing just that.

I get these "Mica I want to get in your head" requests everyday, but it's not coming from the one I need it to come from. Gosh, I feel obsolete in this girl's world. The communication is off, the understanding is questionable, the beliefs are unspoken, and it's all making the future very blurry. As I tell her more often than not, I'll stick around for as much as I can take.

Absolute Exception

She Got Me Going (Absolute Exception)

My life is in extreme high definition
My lady, my love with no definition
My heart doesn't need any explanation
My yesterdays are in no comparison
to what is going on in my present
do I dwell on the future?
My dreams are constant in pure perfection
Her face is what I see when I look in my heart's reflection
I'm gone
So far gone,
Every rule of mine she bypassed with absolute exception

Love has not been on my side
I'm scared
Terrified of it's past deception
There is no guide, manual or list of instruction
It's all up to my discretion
Good riddance to my hesitation
I'm gone
So far gone
Every rule of mine she bypassed with absolute exception

My mind clouded with fear
My eyes full of tears
Still I stay focused on our destination
My heart is one step ahead of the game
Dialed out and made that reservation
Table for two under the stars
our beauty overcast by candle light
Staring at the best things made under God's creation
I'm gone
So far gone
Every rule of mine she bypassed with absolute exception

I do not speak the language of forever

I speak in the language of logic
In the name of reality
I fight against love to keep my sanity
You're now apart of my knowledge

Something I'll never forget
Our hearts clocks are set
Ticking
Waiting
Bracing
Hoping that this love bomb never offsets
But it will
Will we survive the blast
Will you be a mere thing of my past
Will the healing process be slow or fast
I'll hold your hand even through the crash
If we part
It's because you let go
Don't let go
We're gone
So far gone
Every rule we've bypassed with absolute exception

Published by: T. Nicole © 2008

Cliff Hangers

I revealed in my other blog that I'm reading Midnight by Sister Soulja. Not feeling it too much, but there was this line in chapter 32 that stuck out to me. It stuck out, because it's something that always seems to happen to me.

"I wondered if she even needed me to participate in this conversation. It seemed like she could ask me all the questions in the world, but was too jumpy to listen for my answers. Or maybe she didn't want any answers, I don't know." - Sister Soulja; Midnight

Please remove your heads from your asses people. Okay, maybe that was a rather harsh way to start off my opinionated rant on the subject matter. I just don't understand how people can go through life and not actually sit back and listen. I mean really listen. Listen with all of themselves, and I donʼt just mean with their ears. More so their minds and their hearts; our ears are just a bonus if you ask me. How can one spew the words I love you, and don't pay attention long enough to the person they claim to love? Isn't that like a contradiction in action? I believe so. I'll say this, I let artificial things, be exactly what they are.

It's said that I am too quiet, too reserved, too uptight, too technical, too mechanical, too organized, and too judgmental. Well, I couldn't give TWO fucks. Okay, maybe that was too harsh as well; I apologize. Like the quote reads, I just know a one sided conversation when I hear one. There is no need for me to waste my precious words and/or thoughts on you if I already know that you won't be attentive enough to listen. I know I'll be cut off for some random bullshit before I reach the ladder part of my sentence. I respect that everyone will not be interested in the things I have to say, but donʼt play yourself and tell me that you want to learn who I am, and you don't even show up to class. You're failing with flying colors.

The character Midnight truly reminds me of myself. He's different, and couldn't fit in if he tried. He always stands out, not in a fashionable sense, but in a mental sense, in his demeanor, and in his traditional ways. He's foreign. I was born right here in the United States of American, and I find myself feeling foreign to the ways of the American people. I was born into a religion and family that taught me to not blend in. It taught me to listen beyond what the ear canal can grasp and to see with my mind's eye. I have been mingling with people all of my life, that I knew didn't understand me. They took me to be just like them, but the handful of people that actually took the time out to listen to me quickly learned just how different I am. Just how out of the ordinary that I am. They were not too jumpy to catch on. Sometimes engaging with a person like me is like playing at the edge of a cliff. Jumpy people do exactly that; JUMP OFF! Damn, I wonder if I looked over the edge of my cliff, exactly how many bodies would I see stacked?

It's funny how the only thing some people hear is goodbye. They donʼt hear anything before the word. They donʼt even hear your footsteps moving toward the door. They are so stuck on themselves they donʼt feel their hands on your back pushing you toward that door leading to the final word. Oh how was my day? Oh, you didn't ask me that. Oh how am I doing today? You didnʼt ask that either. What makes me tick? Good question, too bad you didn't ask me that one either. Hold on for a second. Well, I've been holding on this entire conversation, because obviously you aren't even talking to me, but yourself. What am I thinking? If I begin to tell you will you sink or will you swim in my words?

Your feet are dangling baby, you're hanging off the edge of this cliff about to plunge to what seems like your destiny in the world of me. It all makes me realize that I'm just a temporary fix for some folks permanent flaws.

Vow Of Celibacy??

There are two words that I am highly allergic to, and they are relationship and commitment. I heard both of those words at least 20 times each last night while talking to Champ. I just met this girl not even a week ago, and these words are already being said way too many times. Too many references are being made to "us". My skin is crawling right now just thinking about it. Don't get me wrong, this is a very lovely young lady, and so far she seems to be a cool person. The fact of the matter is, I don¢t know her. Now every time, I say I'm going to do things right, and not sample the goodies, I fail. I am always cool afterwards, because I have that male mentality and I'm able to separate my feelings from sex. On the other hand, most females are not able to do this. Champ is one of them.

Dammit, dammit, dammit! The aftermath is that of dreamy sighs, eyes, and those dreadful references to "us". I do blame myself, because by now I should have learned my lesson. Everybody is not like me, and sex complicates things for most people. Now if I don't call her, or at least halfway acknowledge her like she acknowledges me, I'll be labeled a dog. I would like to get to know this girl, but at a normal pace. Lesbians are getting besides themselves now days, with this speed dating crap. Talk one time on the phone, and then a couple days later they're in a relationship. I can't do it! I've done it before, and it only led to a crash and burn situation. I'm not in the mood for all of that.

Champ may or may not make the cut. That has yet to be determined, since it's only been a short period of time. Mentally, I've already found myself holding back, because I'm not sure if she'll be able to match that. I may be underestimating her though. We shall see though. Yesterday was the first time that I felt bad for talking to someone other than DeeJay. It's hard to be at a stand still for DeeJay though. She lacks so much experience in many areas in life. I know one thing, I have to stop choosing the freak over the angel though. I mean the pleasure only lasts so long. For me, if your mental isn't hitting right, the pleasure only occurs maybe twice, and I'm gone.

I may be reaching far and beyond when I say this, but I think it's time to take a vow of celibacy. Sex only labels me a slime ball and a heart breaker, and an occasional stalker or two. I'm getting too old for this. It's time for me to stop living by the Biggie Motto: "If they head right, Mica there every night." I can do this the right way. I've been working ass backwards in this whole dating thing. Maybe if I get my act right, I won't be so allergic to the words relationship and commitment. I'll welcome them both with open arms.

LMAO! YEAH RIGHT!!! YA'LL PRAY FOR ME!