I had a bad night last night. Everything was cool at first. I went too my usual trip out to my parents house with my big sister, spent some time with them, ate, watched movies, washed clothes, and had a great time. It wasn't until after I dropped my sister off, and was heading back to my apartment that my climate started to shift. Eyes focused on the road; with tunnel vision starting form. I could feel the tears sting within my ducts and my eyelids blinking in overdrive attempting to fight them off. They lost the battle though. Before I knew it; I was crying a river traveling down 610 North. I was trapped within my thoughts, and was now in an open range for reality's target practice. I'd been shot.
I was trapped in thoughts of the past, present and future. Battling with questions of why's, what if's, and how can I's like a major ping pong tournament. Yes, I couldn't done some things in my past much differently. Those things would have altered my present, and might've made my future much more sweeter. My mom was telling me just yesterday how she was thinking about my first day of school, and how pretty I looked. She told me that she cried, but I was eager to go in. I wonder how my life would be right now if my very first day of school would've gone differently. What if I were not so eager to attend that first day of class. What if that new environment scared me shitless. What if I didn't make any friends that day? What if I didn't learn anything that day? How would I be as a woman today, if anything changed on that day? Curiosity is getting the best of me, no doubt. However, the things that are said and done cannot be changed. If my present is not what it is now, who really knows where I'd be. I might not be the same woman that I am today. I cannot say that is good or bad.
After leaving my family last night, I did realize yet again how lonely I truly am. With all the individuals that may crowd my space at times, I'm still lonely. Those individuals are just props. They help me get by, and pose a knock off versions of what I think I truly want and desire. Selfish? A little bit, I can't lie. I've been approached by the devil on many occasions in the form of beautiful women, and I've partaken of their forbidden fruit almost every time. SO many bites later, and I have nothing to show for it. I'm still by myself. I'm still yearning for companionship. I hide behind my self conjured fantasies, and I psyche myself out in attempts to make myself believe that I'm happy being a single bachelorette. However, I'm just the game, playing the field, dodging what's real. I'm the target and last night I was shot dead by reality.
1 readers:
How you describe your experience is amazing. I do envy you because while you have "bitten" you are still focused on where you are in life and know exactly whats happening around you. Being aware is so much more important than being blind to whats happening. Sometimes I would love to be where you are alone and almost self content. Take this time to learn about you and don't walk into something you already know you want no parts of. We as women tend to "settle" because of the loneliness in our hearts. Know exactly what you want and KNOW it will come to you.
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