Lonely Love

Love is or it ain't. Thin love ain't love at all. - Toni Morrison

Somebody asked me the other day if I've ever had the feeling of being in love alone. Unfortunately my answer was yes. The feeling is almost indescribable. It brings about a pain so great when faced with the reality of it all. Being lonely in love is very common in a lot of relationships. One of the partner's feelings reaches a specific destination before the others. It can be a very frustrating and challenging experience. It will take a lot of patience to get through, if able. Sometimes the other partner's feelings never arrive to that destination. Love is apart of life, and it's all a gamble. You just never know what you're getting into. You never know what you'll get out of it if anything at all.

Lately, I've been on an emotional roller coaster with love. My feelings are wanting to rum at rapid speeds to this destination unknown, but I know I'll be leaving behind those feelings of another. All was laid out on the table what was ready to be faced and what wasn't. Two souls on different pages, however we face the same direction. Only one of us might get there before the other if such feelings aren't slowed down. I truly don't want to experience the feeling of being in love alone again. For once, I want to see eye to eye with my partner, and head down our destined path together in love.

Year's End:Year's Beginning - New Directon for Love

Here we are, another year has ended, and another year has begun. This past year in love has been very disappointing for me. More illusions, more impostors, and more parodies of the real thing. In which, I haven't got a chance to experience again. Although, I didn't get where I wanted to get in love this past year; it wasn't a complete failure. I learned a lot. Many lessons came about from what was and what could've been. I lost a lot of time, money and energy on some very unworthy and ungrateful people. These facts I cannot change, and if anything, they taught me not to settle for less. I lowered my standards something serious last year. Not just in love, but in many situations in my life. I refuse to do that this year. This will require me leaving things and people in the dust. I'm still facing reality, but I'm facing it with a different mindset. No longer am I facing it in fear.

This year I plan to take love in a totally different direction. It's love for myself above all else. I'm one who has been known to get lost in love. Distracted in love. I've been known to be no good in love. I lose all sense of what's REAL. I vowed to never do that again after my last relationship. I've chosen not to rush this love thing. I'm in a situation right now; where I feel like I can't get what I want. This is only God's way of telling me that I don't NEED it right now. I hear Him loud and clear. I've decided to redirect my focus. I have so many things I want to accomplish in life. I can't put them on hold for love anymore. I've been worrying about the wrong things and the wrong people for quite some time now. Some might consider my new direction as being somewhat of a silent ultimatum, and that's okay. I'm making major choices for myself this year, and it's going to be up to those around me if they want to be in my life or not. I'm honestly not letting that be a concern of mine anymore. People come and they go, and those who choose to go; were never meant to be here longer than the amount of time they were anyway.

The wheels are set in motion. I have to make a difference this year. I want that ever lasting feeling. I want to stand tall on solid grounds. I want to strengthen the roots holding up my tree of life. I want to branch out. I want to learn more and more as the seasons change around me. No more talking.....just time to get the ball rolling. Oh and if you love me like you say you so; make sure you don't let me roll right pass you.

Impressions

You know how to give the benefit of the doubt, but you also need to view people realistically. Don't forget how important first impressions can be -- you need to pay attention to your feelings. - Shine (Love & Relationships)

 

It's said that they mean everything. The beginning stage of a single memory is an impression. Without impressions there would be nothing to be intrigued by. Life would have no mystery. Life would be a exactly what it is; with no questions asked. Bottom line; life would be rather dull to say the least. Words that come out of an individuals mouth can be very powerful. They can be life altering. They can take your gray skies, and turn them blue again. Those words can be the greatest of truths, but they can also be the boldest of lies.

Depending on the importance of the encounter; we usually put on our best behavior for the occasion. It's like wearing your best Sunday clothes on a Tuesday; it means THAT much at THAT moment. That first moment. Our ears and minds are erect; standing at attention. We don't want to miss a beat. It's an adrenaline rush, and you want everything you say to be heard; whether it be the truth or a lie. Whatever is cleaver huh? In fact, if you can get past this first impression; some part of you has won the other person over either way.

Realistically speaking, a person's words to impress, are just words. That person may very well be capable of putting those exact words into action. That person could also have every intention of putting those words into action. Expectations often times lead to disappointment. So to expect every word to be true might be fault on your behalf. Giving the benefit of the doubt is beautiful, because everyone is different. However, humans are humans. I can't begin to name all of the wonderful first impressions that I've had that turned out to be nothing than I could ever imagine. The most simple recipe for any encounter; EXPECT NOTHING!

Between every lie are traces of the truth. Listen closely and watch carefully. Listen to your first mind; no matter how fast and how loud your heart might be beating. For when that beat begins to even out, and that sound isn't so loud; you might be left with the shattering sounds of reality. “Human kind cannot bear very much reality.” – T.S. Eliot; Four Quartets, Burnt Norton. So just like the first time you took your first hit, swallow, or sniff of any type of controlling substance; that unnatural high can lead you down a very deceiving and destructive path.

Stay true to yourself above all else. Make sure you're ready for what you choose to face. Make sure you're willing to accept everything you ask for. If you selflessly claim to love another individual, show them through constant action rather than your words. What you tell them on day 1 honestly doesn't matter on day 999, because if it's true; whatever they asked you on the first day; they'll proudly say again on 999th day. The greatest impressions are followed by consistency. By all means, impress me. Approach me with your best, because you better believe I'm standing before you doing the same. Just remember, you can only stretch a lie so far. The truth is everlasting.

**Only a matter of time before the meaning to what was lost is revealed. Hence the word everlasting; so technically what was stepped over will still be there when that time comes.**

Love On A One-Way Street

What is love without compromise? What is love without communication? What is love without some sort of understanding? What is love without patience? What is love without trust? Clearly, love isn't SHIT without all of these ingredients. It becomes frustrating, heartbreaking and downright stressful. Feels as if you're going down that one-way the WRONG way!

I'm going to save the rest of my thoughts and feelings for my private blog!

Wanna Be Loved

Jill Scott "Wanna Be Loved"

Don't feel no pity for me

Cause I'm going through a couple things,

Life means change,

That's the way it goes,goes

All my life I had a constant burning

A strong deep,desire

An aching ambiguous,yearning,yearning,

yearning

For something better

For something bigger

For something wider

For something higher

And lots of regrets

Cause I ain't seem to found it yet

I've been searching around the world

Never knowing what to expect

I get sad sometimes

Yes I be mad sometimes

Cause I'm out here on the grind

Making mine

And I still can't seem to find

What I've been looking for

Opened so many doors

For real,yo

I just wanna be loved...

[Chorus:]

I just wanna be loved

Like everybody else does

I just wanna be loved

Like many people; I love me some Jill Scott. This song has been hitting home for quite some time now. I'm a content place in my life right now. There are many things I still need to work on, but I'm content. My work will never be done in life. I'll always have something to work on, but I'm finally content with who I am, and where I am in life. I have this deep, deep yearning for love. It's screwing with my heart, because it keeps coming so close I can actually feel it. Then...it slips away.

I want an unconditional and 50/50 type of love. I want to spend my time with someone. I want to spend my nights talking to someone. I want to spend my entire weekends with someone. I want to go places, travel and see new things. I want to go out and be social with my mate. I want to cuddle at home, and spend lazy Sunday's watching movies. I don't want any unnecessary drama. I want to be listened to. I want to be understood. I want to be appreciated for all of my efforts in trying to keep the love alive. I want to be loved. REAL LOVE! I want it to last...

In The Blink of an Eye

I blinked and there you were

standing right before me

with a smile upside down

a heart pieced together

a spirit as light as a feather

a beauty in my eyes

a treasure in my mind

I blinked and there you were

a dream it had to be

with a smile bright as the sun

a heart with all voids filled

a spirit that could change a life

my life

a beauty in my eyes

a treasure in my mind

I blinked and there you were

a lie it had to be

with a frown so ugly

a heart so cold

a spirit so evil it damage a soul

my soul

still a beauty in my eyes

a treasure lost in my mind

I blinked and there you went

an illusion it was

my smile now upside down

my heart left in pieces

a spirit gone in a downward spiral

a fool in my own eyes

a treasure stolen from my own mind

Take Your Time

To understand another human takes exceptional skills in listening and patience. It also takes a very broad mind to do so as well. Forgetting everything that you may know, and absorbing what makes that other person tick. Becoming a pupil in one's class of life; learning the DNA, the paths (good and bad), the loves, the hates, and the genetic traits. A person's background; mental, physical and spiritual is an eye opener to their current being. All things intriguing nonetheless.

"You need to understand this new hottie before committing to anything more than 'hello.' Make the effort, no matter what, even though you may discover quite a few odd or off-putting surprises." - Yahoo's Shine

Taking the much needed time, and slowing down long enough to actually DATE someone is hard now days. The earth seems to be spinning at rapid speeds, and our hearts can't seem to keep up with our minds. Time is still the most important factor in love. It takes time to birth it. It takes time to build it. It takes time to maintain it. It takes time to ruin it, and it takes time to heal it. Losing your mind in an illusion of love is easy to do. Trust me, I know. However, my daddy always told me to check the car facts! That shinny new coat doesn't reveal where that band spankin' new car came from. What roads did it take to reach it's current destination? Better yet, how much baggage is in the trunk? Am I prepared to take over the responsibilities of keeping up the maintenance of this car? Did the previous owner take good care of it? How much money would I have to put into keeping this used car running? Play close attention to the front details, and what might be possibly laying beneath them.

"Baby slow down just take your time. You and me gon' be here for awhile, okay." - Mos Def "The Panties"

Another One Bites The Dust

I'm truly embarrassed to post this blog, because my track record is getting quite lengthy when it comes to failed relationships. I took yet another chance on love, and it slapped me in the face. I can't say it really hurt this time though. Either I've grown immune to loss of love, or this go round was really in truly a complete act of God and my advancement in life period.

I wondered what the outcome would be in a Aquarius Vs. Aquarius relationship. Operation -#EPICFAIL! I had hope in the longevity of the relationship despite the constant differences and belief systems. I feel like when there are two adults involved; anything can be worked out. However, if only one of you finds worth in the work, then it really doesn't matter how hard you try. It's funny how quickly things change. I was no longer a priority in the end. All ties of communication were lost, and all of my calls seemed to go ignored. Blame it on what? Our hectic schedules and demanding jobs? I'm a strong believer in that fact, that people make time for what they truly want to. Love in the eighties with this one wasn't all I cracked it up to be.

Most of our obstacles would melt away if, instead of cowering before them, we should make up our minds to walk boldly through them.

- Orison Swett Marden

Obstacles can't be walked through alone. It's a sad situation when one mate gives up. That leaves all responsibility in carrying the relationship on the other mate. Its then that it becomes unfair. This is where the communication should come into play. If one grows weary, then it should be voiced. If one feels like they can't go on, then it should be voiced. No need to start with the lies, no need to avoid your lover, and no need to bury yourself in invisible work. Operation - keep it real should've been in full effect! Instead we started to play a game of hide and go seek. I couldn't find my love anymore. She turned off all the lights in her heart, and left me in the dark. I was left guessing, wishing and hoping that the opportunity would come back around to rekindle our flame. The sad fact is, the relationship was over way before I decided to hand back my keys.

Facing the situation like a real woman would've been respected and appreciated. Instead the hiding continued. Instead of the president facing the press, the secretary of defense stepped in and looked me in the eye. How cowardly is that? I still haven't spoken to the president to this day, and that's a damn shame. But when guilt and shame take over face value; I can see why hiding would be a better option. I'm a complete asshole. I'm detached. I show little or no emotion at times. I'm unaffectionate 80% of the time. I'm blunt and I tend not to spare feelings. I'm arrogant. I'm a loner. I'm spoiled rotten. This is just to name a few of my flaws. I'm an extremely hard person to learn, and an even harder person to deal with. However, I was everything that I said I was from the very beginning. All of my cards were laid out on the table face up. There were no secrets and no masks, but yet again; I couldn't say that about my mate.

I pray for her though, and her well being. I'm ignoring the rumors about the things were conveniently not shared with while in the relationship. I've never been one to take the word of another who isn't involved in the situation anyway. I've thrown it all in God's hands with all my other problems. I'm not equipped to deal with the weak-hearted, and one who can't face their own issues. So I got to move on. "Don't let anyone validate your happiness" are words that definitely need to be practiced by the one preaching it. Trust and believe I am one tough act to follow, and my presence will be one that will be desired for the rest of your life. I was built to change the life of every person that I embrace. My voice is not one that carries, and not one that is always heard. It's my silence that that bounces off the walls, and it's my words that linger. I wonder if she can hear me now? Too bad she couldn't be there to hear my say goodbye.

P.S. - I promise I'm not gassing up the next one until she ultimately proves herself dammit! Having a handful of failed relationships is NOT a good look. My sis always told me "Tamica, you sureee know how to pick em'!" and she ain't lying!

Pushing The Pride Aside

Like a newborn fresh out the womb
its your nourishment I need to consume
in mass quantities
a food for the soul that lasts forever
you're my teacher
and its your knowledge I treasure
In your opinions I hold utmost respect
to voice such I tend to neglect
a lifetime difficulty to overcome I have tried
many tears of frustration I have cried
what seems to be the hardest thing to do
is push my pride aside



Daily Couples: Brought to you from Yahoo!


You don't usually stress too much about getting ahead in the world, but you may be feeling those concerns now. Reassurance is there in the form of your sweetie, but they won't know you need it unless you ask.

My pride has always been a very big issue for me. It's hard to bend a person like me. I'm very stubborn and stuck in my ways like none other. It's in my genetic pool. From my great parents to my grand parents, and on to my parents. Puffed up with pride. We have to do everything by ourselves and in our way. Pride is an honorable trait to obtain, but to have too much of it can be a bad thing. You start to hurt those around you to protect your own ego.


Sometimes we forget that the people in our corner need our help in order to help us. We automatically expect them to know what's going on inside of us, and this is not fair to them. They only can support so much going off what we have communicated to them. When big changes come around in life; brining on extra stress, we sometimes lash out on the people who are closest to us. They only thing they are guilty of is trying to help as much as they can. If they don't say or do what we EXPECT them to do; we take major offense to it. Stopping and thinking about the situation; did you really voice what you needed from them? Or did you think they could read what's on the inside of you and automatically save your day? I am OH SO GUILTY of this.

Putting your pride aside, and asking your mate for help when needed is not a bad thing. It's a very good thing. It also shows your mate that you respect and trust them. To feel needed in a loving relationship is a very good feeling. This is one publish where I have to seriously practice what I preach. Ha! Just ask my mate!

Breaking Through The Plateau

Keeping a relationship brand new can be a bit of a task. Especially when you reach certain plateaus that seem a bit frustrating to push through. The main thing to focus on when facing such trials is to remember the love that started it all. Reminisce on the courting phase. Whether it was 3 months ago, 3 years ago, or 3 decades ago. It's that beginning phase that elevated you as a couple to those natural highs. You couldn't get enough of one another. Everything spoken and acted were intriguing.

Daily Couples: Brought to you from Yahoo!


Trying something brand new to both of you fosters trust and deepens your bond. Cook up a project or attempt a new sport or game -- if it makes you feel silly, it'll be even more fun (and memorable!).

When a relationship reaches a plateau; it can be both good and bad. If you are a couple that seems to have nothing but drama popping off, then reaching some level of stability is a great recommended goal. However, if you're a couple that has been stable since day one; it becomes a bit redundant and boring. You've reached a phase where neither the mental nor the physical development is increasing nor decreasing. It's like your favorite record on repeat. You love it like none other, but at some point you're going to want to hear something else. Something new. Something different.

What does one do about this? Understanding and patience can go along way here. Putting two creative minds together can be almost earth shattering if its without limitation. There are so many treasures that the world has to offer. Exploring the common things that you and your mate discovered in the courting phase can go way beyond that first conversation. Whether it be music, art, poetry, film, photography, fashion, traveling, history, science or sports. There is always something new to discover in all of the above.

If time is an issue; its only one because you make it one. People make time for what they want to make it for. Settling in a funk is almost ungodly. It only causes a snowball effect to bigger problems in the relationship. You and your mate have to go get up and move around. Set aside some time to brainstorm. I advise those around you to get their umbrellas out! Because I know when two people like my mate and I brainstorm; its greater than any tsunami you've ever heard reported.

It's much more fun to create history than continuing to remake it.

The Mental VS. The Physical

Mental or Physical? Sink or swim?

What makes your sexual libido peak to it's highest point? Is it the physical or the mental? Some people only vision the beauty of a human body through two eyes. Sadly, only capturing the outside sculpture of would could be a life changing masterpiece. The mere physical attraction is good enough for these people. For those of us viewing the world through our mind's eye have the pleasure of being sexually touched by a beauty deeper than the outer lustful layer of skin. This is both bitter and sweet. Not everyone has the capability of touching someone mentally. It does take a rather intellectually confident person to fill a mind with brilliant bits of information, consciously turning them into sexual innuendos; causing that mind to over flow with uncontrollable climaxes.

I personally am a fan of mental orgasms. I've been in situations where there was no physical contact made, but the mere conversation alone took me to that level. I LOVE those moments. I miss those moments. I haven't had an experience like that for quite some time. For the most part, my mental is peaked sexually on first encounters. The sense of the newness alone attracts me. If there is some sort of flirtatious chase; that only ups the ante. Sad to say, once the newness fades; so does my interest. It does take a lot to lose my interest. Receptiveness is a no-no. I need for a person to take me to new levels. I need to learn new things. What I really need is to sit on the passenger side for once. I want for someone to mentally chauffeur me around, hold my hand and explore the beats of the world together. Climaxing to that beat along the way is only a perk, but it comes naturally to say the least.

As strong and opinionated as my personality is; it's hard to find someone who can fit confidently in that driver's seat. In the past this has made my dating rap sheet quite lengthy. It's always a hit and miss. The physical attraction will basically set up for it's disappearing act; I touch and I vanish. To be mentally touched over and over and over again; causing all of my guards to be let down, because I am a hostage to a person's realm of knowledge and wisdom that I manifest. That is deeper than any physical attraction I've ever encountered...

heart to heart

soul to soul
word for word

she speaks to me

in a language foreign but understood

in a way that only she could

her face I cannot see
for her back is to me
her words are all I need

pierce me

wake me

school me

mentally invade me

my mind is your playground

swing, slide, run, jump

causing my heart to thump

faster and faster

I'm astounded by your intellect

there is no beat that you neglect

your magnetic vibe pulling me in

starting to feel a heated sensation from deep within

every breath taken
escaping in familiar rhythms
I'm there yet again
what you do has got to be a sin
Greed has taken over
I listen thirstily searching for more
For it is your face I cannot see

I swear this happens

Each and every time you speak to me

Will my thirst for this encounter be quenched anytime soon? Will the situation I'm in sink or swim, because of this itch buried deep within? I hope not, for I am ready to hand my keys over and snuggle comfortably in that passengers seat. Letting the mental outweigh the physical, and carry me away to that ecstasy that I have been yearning for. The potential is there, but some people just need a little push in the right direction.

So what's your choice? The mental or the physical?

Love in the 80's

Wow, long time no write around these parts. I've been missing in action for quite some time; I apologize. I do have some things to get off my chest though. I've been writing old school style lately. Good old fashioned pen and paper. Other than that; where have I been? Well, I've been out on the town with love. I've finally found a woman who seems to be suitable for me. Anyone who has kept up with this blog knows my struggle when it comes to females. Boy do I know how to pick em'! I think I did alright for myself this time.

Everyone keeps telling me that this woman isn't what they pictured me with. Yes, she is out of the norm for me, but that’s a good thing. That was my problem; I would always fall for the same type of female and end up with the same problems. I was use to dealing with girls, and now I have a woman. The only thing left for me to do is get my mind right. Get out of that state of mind that I was so use to being in. I'm use to the fireworks going off by now. I'm use to being on a constant roller coaster ride, but this woman is no amusement park. She's almost perfect, and that scares me a little. Nothing sets her off, and she's so easy going about EVERYTHING. That’s a good thing right? I believe it is. She doesn't get jealous over any other female that may still be calling my phone. Her confidence and security level is through the roof. That's a great thing. She doesn't argue or debate, and she agrees with pretty much everything. Nothing is a big deal with here. In this, I am bitter-sweet.

Me being the woman I am; I need that "kick" in a relationship. I need to be put in my place 70% of the time. I need to feel like I'm in a relationship. For some reason, I still feel like I'm single. I feel free, because she's so passive. I'm use to the 21 questions. I'm use to the possessive tendencies. I'm use to the disagreements that turn me on and anticipate me for the make up session. But everything with her is….perfect. I'm use to dealing with Tasha Smith character on Why Did I Get Married, but I got the Jill Scott. Why complain? I got everything I asked for. She's the total package. I'm so use to being in a chaotic romantic setting, that I don't know how to deal in peace.

My whole fear in this perfect relationship; is that I'll grow bored. I'm no good when I'm bored, because that hardly EVER happens to me. This is why that "kick" in the relationship keeps me on my toes. It keeps me alert and keeps me fired up to keep going. I don't want to be the typical lesbian, and thrive off drama. I believe I'm a far cry from the typical lesbian, but a thickened plot makes the story so much better. I just don't want to keep looking like the evil villain, because of what I'm use to. The last thing I want to do is keep hurting her feelings, because I don’t know how to play the hand I was dealt; which is the one that I asked for.

This is still in it's early stages, and in my eyes only has the potential to get better with time. I don’t want my ways to push her away. My extreme loner ways. My unaffectionate ways. My independent ways. Oh, and yes being too independent can be a bad thing. Your mate might feel obsolete, because you do everything on your own and want no input or help. I'm good for this. All things I am working on. The affectionate thing will probably never come though. That's just not me. Nobody in my family is affectionate other than my half sister. I grew up with a mother and father that didn’t even sleep in the same bed. We didn't eat dinner together at the table. Every family member were for themselves. We were 3 strangers under one roof. So affection is something that came every blue moon for me my entire life. You can't miss something you never really had. You also can't be expected to give it either.

All I can say is; I can't let past dealings with psychotic females cause me to mess up something good. Something that I'll probably on get one chance in my life to encounter. She is my 80 after ohhhh soooo many 20's. Love in the 20's brought me nothing but bitterness and heartache. I got everything but what I truly needed out of those situations. Love in the 80's brings maturity, understanding, unconditional love, peace and and a sense of compassion any man or woman only dreams about. I'm thankful. I love her. I just need to get my mind right and FAST!!!