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Love On The Sideline

It never fails that in every relationship there will be those crabs trying to pull you down from your happy high! This however just proves how strong you are in that relationship. Will you give in to the temptation of seduction? Will you drift down from that happy high and play with fire? How much is one moment of passion worth? All these questions might be easy to answer coming straight from your mouth, but when in that situation; we all know that's a different story.

Infidelity has been common since the beginning of time. Some of us have been guilty of it, and some of us haven't. I've been on both sides of the fence sad to say. I've done my dirt; due to some serious commitment issues that I have going on in my personal closet of skeletons. I've broken those fragile hearts because I gave into those seductive crabs. I allowed myself to be pulled down from my happy high, and I suffered through those third degree burns. It seems all good when you think your secret is quiet as kept. You feel you have that perfect situation and that sideline love knows how to play their part. Ha! Whatever is done in the dark will 99.9% of the time always come to the light at some point. And when the shit hits the fan….

Just ask Tiger!!!

Ha! Sorry Mr. Woods; I had to do it. This is a perfect example of where that sideline love can land you. I am not going to lie; he had a good run while it lasted. Had his little pieces set up like decoys cheering from the stands with the rest of the common folk. It's very rare that a sideline lover stays in his/or her lane throughout the entire course. At some point, they become resentful in the fact that they are just mere sloppy seconds. They are not the top priority, and they will forever be in the shadows. That is until they decide to steal the spotlight. Take your shine and ultimately pull you off your high horse and down from your happy high.

I must say I'm still not the most innocent woman in the world though. I still probably flirt way more than I should. My eyes wonder way more than they should. I haven't been as adamant as I should be when it comes to closing those past chapters of my life. I still have lines of communication open with those who I know play the role of the seductive crab; just waiting to snap at me the first chance they get. I must get my act right quick, fast, and in a hurry. As each day passes; I realize more and more how lucky I am to be in the relationship that I'm in. I won't find a better support system than what I have here. The love is unconditional, and the last thing I need is my fears of commitment to rear their ugly heads and mess this up. I'm living love in the 80's, and this is a happy high I don’t want to come down on anytime soon.

Love in the 80's

Wow, long time no write around these parts. I've been missing in action for quite some time; I apologize. I do have some things to get off my chest though. I've been writing old school style lately. Good old fashioned pen and paper. Other than that; where have I been? Well, I've been out on the town with love. I've finally found a woman who seems to be suitable for me. Anyone who has kept up with this blog knows my struggle when it comes to females. Boy do I know how to pick em'! I think I did alright for myself this time.

Everyone keeps telling me that this woman isn't what they pictured me with. Yes, she is out of the norm for me, but that’s a good thing. That was my problem; I would always fall for the same type of female and end up with the same problems. I was use to dealing with girls, and now I have a woman. The only thing left for me to do is get my mind right. Get out of that state of mind that I was so use to being in. I'm use to the fireworks going off by now. I'm use to being on a constant roller coaster ride, but this woman is no amusement park. She's almost perfect, and that scares me a little. Nothing sets her off, and she's so easy going about EVERYTHING. That’s a good thing right? I believe it is. She doesn't get jealous over any other female that may still be calling my phone. Her confidence and security level is through the roof. That's a great thing. She doesn't argue or debate, and she agrees with pretty much everything. Nothing is a big deal with here. In this, I am bitter-sweet.

Me being the woman I am; I need that "kick" in a relationship. I need to be put in my place 70% of the time. I need to feel like I'm in a relationship. For some reason, I still feel like I'm single. I feel free, because she's so passive. I'm use to the 21 questions. I'm use to the possessive tendencies. I'm use to the disagreements that turn me on and anticipate me for the make up session. But everything with her is….perfect. I'm use to dealing with Tasha Smith character on Why Did I Get Married, but I got the Jill Scott. Why complain? I got everything I asked for. She's the total package. I'm so use to being in a chaotic romantic setting, that I don't know how to deal in peace.

My whole fear in this perfect relationship; is that I'll grow bored. I'm no good when I'm bored, because that hardly EVER happens to me. This is why that "kick" in the relationship keeps me on my toes. It keeps me alert and keeps me fired up to keep going. I don't want to be the typical lesbian, and thrive off drama. I believe I'm a far cry from the typical lesbian, but a thickened plot makes the story so much better. I just don't want to keep looking like the evil villain, because of what I'm use to. The last thing I want to do is keep hurting her feelings, because I don’t know how to play the hand I was dealt; which is the one that I asked for.

This is still in it's early stages, and in my eyes only has the potential to get better with time. I don’t want my ways to push her away. My extreme loner ways. My unaffectionate ways. My independent ways. Oh, and yes being too independent can be a bad thing. Your mate might feel obsolete, because you do everything on your own and want no input or help. I'm good for this. All things I am working on. The affectionate thing will probably never come though. That's just not me. Nobody in my family is affectionate other than my half sister. I grew up with a mother and father that didn’t even sleep in the same bed. We didn't eat dinner together at the table. Every family member were for themselves. We were 3 strangers under one roof. So affection is something that came every blue moon for me my entire life. You can't miss something you never really had. You also can't be expected to give it either.

All I can say is; I can't let past dealings with psychotic females cause me to mess up something good. Something that I'll probably on get one chance in my life to encounter. She is my 80 after ohhhh soooo many 20's. Love in the 20's brought me nothing but bitterness and heartache. I got everything but what I truly needed out of those situations. Love in the 80's brings maturity, understanding, unconditional love, peace and and a sense of compassion any man or woman only dreams about. I'm thankful. I love her. I just need to get my mind right and FAST!!!

In Love With A Lie - How Far Would You Go?

How far would you go if you found out that your boyfriend/girlfriend for x amount of months/years was engaged to someone else? Would you sulk into a deep tunnel; never to come out and face the world again? Would you suck it up and charge it to the game as a loss in love? Or would you seek revenge and take that muthafucka for all he/she is worth?

Finding out you're being cheated on is a hard pill to swallow. So many emotions roaring at once, and any decision that’s made could change your love life forever. In how you handle your current love and how you handle your love in the future. I've been in the "I'm being cheated on" boat, and I can't say that I made the right decisions regarding my action. I'm a hot head so you already know I got my Waiting to Exhale on, and did my damage. I was on some real fuck a bitch shit for a long time! I didn't trust anybody, and I didn't want to see love if it knocked on my door with $10 million dollars in it's hand. I was fed up!

It's crazy how easy it is for people to lie and lead these double lives. Using the word love in vain means nothing to some people. They can treat you like the queen or king of the universe, but can be treating someone else the same exact way on the other side of town. TRAGIC! But when the shit hits the fan, and the gig is up…omg! What to do, what to do?!

So here I am this morning trying to comfort a friend of mine going through this same exact thing. After giving her all to a man, and putting so much on the line for what she thought was the love of her life; she finds out he is engaged. Thinking he was on a business trip in New York, she receives a call from his Fiancé asking who she was to him. Goodness! Talk about having your heart sink to your ASS! Dude is living with my friend, and all of his stuff is in her house where she pays the bills. Do you THINK this man would have anything left if he had the nerve to show up at my doorstep again? HA! I think NOT! The clothes, jewelry, brand new TV, toothbrush and draws would all be mine! I'd be in that leasing office so fast to change those locks; you wouldn't believe it! I'd dare him to bust a move too! But that's just me. You're not about to play me 100% and get away with it. My friend on the other hand is more kinder and gentler soul than I. Boy, do I feel bad for her. I just keep telling her that God will bless her, and karma will be giving him a visit very soon.

You also have to look at what you've done in the relationship as well. Just because your secrets haven't fallen out of the closet doesn't make you innocent. God sees all things, and brings all things to the light at some point. So while seeking revenge and crying your heart out; what dirt did you do? This just could be karma bitting you in the ass first!

Daily Singles: Do Talk To Strangers

Daily Singles: August 4, 2009

It's a great day to take a risk and get to someone new. Talk to a complete stranger to better hone your communication skills. Sometimes it's helpful to initiate conversation with someone outside of your usual friends. Be friendly, observant and most of all, yourself.

So this is implying that I talk to strangers? Loll, that is so outside of my character. I've come out of my shell more and more over the years though. I'm more of a social butterfly than I've ever been. I guess my metamorphosis came later in life. I haven't completely shattered my shell though. I'm still reserved and ducked behind the shadows. People are crazy and I've found that being this way has really helped me dodge a lot of unnecessary drama as well.

This advise doesn't have to be on a romantic tip, but also a business networking tip. With the screwed up economy the whole saying; "it's not about what you know, but who you know" is more realistic than every. Social networking requires that you speak to strangers. Who knows; I can either find the love of my life or a partner to find the next multi-billion dollar company. This is just a small risk to take in life. Me being a reserved shadow ducker is me giving myself the short end of the stick. There are so many layers to me, but as I unravel them one by one; I'm stepping further and further into my womanhood, in which I have grown to love unconditionally.

I've been craving some new networking friends. People just to hang out with. Cultured people who can think outside the club. It seems that my friends only want to be seen at a party or a club. It's past time for me to broaden my horizons. If my friends don’t want to join me, then I guess I have to leave them behind. It'd be dope if I got a two for one special. Find the new cultured friend and the girlfriend all in the same person, loll. Who knows? This might happen. I'm not going to get my hopes up on that part, because my season of love clearly hasn’t strarted yet.

Face 2 Face

I hope everyone had an excellent weekend. My weekend went rather well. I had yet another blast from the past pop up on me this weekend. I've written about her before, and I've also written her off on numerous occasions as well. I guess just like with everyone else; my main issue with her was trust. It's no secret that I have trust issues; due to being burned severely in my own past. I can't seem to shake the fear when it comes to that either. But then again, every time I turn around people are lying. Lying for no good reason at all. That's a whole different story though.

Anyway, Champ popped back up this weekend out of the blue. I had drifted completely away from her due to irreconcilable differences and distance. That was a very unique situation. We had never met before and we split before any plans were pushed through on meeting. She told me that she was moving to Houston this summer before we stopped speaking, but due to her track record; I just didn't believe her. This weekend she said that she had a few bad dreams about me, and felt it was a sign to give me a call. We talked for along time. She said that she had been in Houston for about a month already. She told me the area that she lived in; which sounded sort of believable. However, after so many issues in the past; I have to see it to believe it. I mean anybody can Google Houston and learn the city, loll. But I hope she wouldn't go that far. I just don’t put anything past anyone. Fucked up things happen to me, so I'm definitely not crossing that one off the list of possibilities, loll.

Supposedly, RIGHT after her and I stopped speaking she up and got a new girlfriend and moved to Houston with her. That's weird, but none of my business nonetheless. It's just something else to raise the red flag on though. It's been so many things about Champ that I've just had to shake off and NOT be concerned with. Because, if I did try to figure it out; I'd have a head full of grey hair by now. Just don’t have time to solve the riddles. My whole thing is now; if she's in Houston, I'd like to meet her. Perhaps my unanswered questions will all be answered with one look in the eye. Just because I didn't believe half the things she said, doesn't mean she was actually lying. My mind has been my curse for quite some time now, and this may just be another one of it's tricks. None of that can be determined until a date, place and time is set in stone. I plan on speaking to her later when I get off to see if something can be set up. If she gives me anytype of excuse or nonsense, I'll be going with the assumptions already stored in my head and going back to my reality.

I do not want to meet up with her to start any irrational commitments; I simply want to see what she's all about. So many months of phone conversations, I'd like to match the voice with a face. Lately, simple things like this have been so hard for some people. That is what's crazy to me. Does life have to be made this difficult? Even if one is lying, can we nip it in the bud and not drag it a long??? I don't know, maybe my logic is off, but that is a whole different story too.

This summer is not my season for love, but I'd love for it to be the season of realness and truth. So far, not so good. I'm not giving up hope though. This is the last time for Champ to shine through; I hope she doesn't lose the battle again.

Daily Singles: And The Beat Goes On

A couple people asked me why I deleted my post from yesterday, but that reason will remain in "no comment" status. However, today's daily singles might reveal a little information on the way I'm feeling at this time. I'll jump right into it…

Daily Singles: July 28, 2009

You may want to withdraw into your shell -- it's awfully cozy and safe-feeling in there. But too much being alone could bum you out. Strike a compromise by hanging casually with a friend or two.

Cozy is an understatement, loll. It is uber safe in my shell, but sometimes being completely alone can be unhealthy. I revert to my shell when love slaps me in the face, but I do realize that I can't stay there forever. Believe me, I've tried. Like Aaliyah said…if at first you don’t succeed; you gotta dust yourself off and try again. Even if I do revert back to my shell after love has it's way with me; the world will keep right on spinning. I've been through quite a bit of heartaches and heartbreaks to learn that sulking in spilled milk only hurts me. I'm wasting my valuable time. I'm human, and yes I'm going to be knocked down for a little bit, but the beat goes on!

I still have most of the week ahead of me to spend in solitude, but I have plans this weekend that will turn my semi cloudy skies blue again.

Flirting: Harmful or Innocent?

Although my mindset is pretty independent and steered clear from relationships; with the exception of a few companionship cravings; I can't help but get my flirt on from time to time. To some flirting is a simple gesture to the opposite sex or the same sex to keep life a little spicy. Some just want to see if they "still got it". Some do it just to put a smile on a pretty woman's face or to flash the dimple of a handsome man. Not everyone is out to score from such flirtatious acts.

Then you have those with that devilish lustful eye. They are out for that one thing; going to the ends of the earth with the gestures, comments and sexual innuendos to draw their prey in. This to me goes beyond the point of flirting. Especially if the prey doesn’t want to be caught. It is then that you're being downright harassed. Get the hell out of dodge! Call the cops! Get your pepper spray and lay that sucker down! Some people just take it too far. 9 times out of 10 it's those that are harassing that have a wife and kids back at the house waiting for their trifling asses to bring home the bacon.

I can't lie. I'm a diehard flirt. I gets it in! I don’t care if she's single or taken. I'm going to say what's on my mind, loll. This hasn't always landed me in the most innocent situations, but hey I like what I like. Being single, I might go a little harder than I would with the flirting if I were in a committed relationship. I've had issues with past girlfriends getting jealous when I do my little innocent flirting. Most of the times they were just insecure and blew it way out of proportion. I had one girlfriend that didn't give a damn. I would flirt and then she would backdoor and flirt with the same person! We had the same taste, and she was very secure in the fact that I wasn't going anywhere; but coming home to her every night.

I don’t see anything wrong with flirting if it's not taken too far. I believe we all have the common sense to know where "too far" is and to stay the hell away from it. I feel if you're two single adults with mature states of minds; go ahead and flirt the night away. Live a little. If you're in a relationship, be careful. BE VERY CAREFUL. You can get away with small things. VERY SMALL THINGS, but be respectful to you and your lover. Remember what you have at home. Now for me…I'm as free as a bird, and I will continue to get my flirt on!

Pre-Packaged Love

I haven't sprinkled my love dust around these parts in quite some time. Like the blog before last stated; I've been on my money. I've been working on personal things. I put the whole love thing on the back burner. I even stopped the spontaneous dating and what have you. I've been 100% solo. I've been kicking it hard with my friends and family though. I still have the craving for that love thing though. Every day I can taste it more and more. I'm beginning to drool, loll. I don't want the pre-packaged version though. I want that authentic, made from scratch love. Where they do that at? Huh? Lol.

It's no surprise that most of these females out here now days are pre-packaged. Flip them over and you're reading the same quick and easy way to prepare and the same non-nutritional facts. Ingredients as follows:

Emotional baggage
False pretenses
Attention whore
Lack of common sense
Lack of communication skills
Lack of belief in anything
Lack of belief in self
Lack of love for self
Lack of strength
Wearing the mask of a real woman
Wearing the mask of a strong woman
Wearing the mask of a good woman

-Microwave 5 minutes and she's done-

Pre-packaged love is not for me. I've had it quick and easy. It's just like Mexican food for me. I love it!!! But I hate the knock off American version. I like mine authentic! I want the real deal. I want someone with wisdom and experience in that kitchen preparing that meal. I don't want a package. I want ingredients in this love dish that I can't find in any other female. I want one taste and immediately be hooked. I don't want to spit it back out, because I'm so tired of tasting the same old thing. I don't want to have my face scrunch up into that bitter look when it hits my buds.

Just because I know what I want, doesn't mean I'm rushing anything. I've already learned my lesson in the whole rushing thing. It doesn't end up well at all. I'm waiting on you though love. I'm hungry! I'm craving, and I'm ready. The knock off's have been disposed of and my plate is clean. Taste ya soon.

**this is not a stab at anyone in particular. just a spill from a woman who knows what she wants, and knows what she doesn't want anymore. respect it. if you're offended, then you're guilty. your fault**

B. Scott Said It Best - Ex Is An Ex For A Reason

I love this guy! He expresses himself in a real and truthful way. Not to mention he's hilarious. This whole ex spill is great. People really do lose their minds when they realize what they lost out on. However, it's too late. BEAT IT! You had your chance and you blew it. The end.

Get Money Phase

Daily Singles

Some subliminal stuff in the realm of romance is bubbling to the surface in your mind. Take some time to relax and really think about it -- the conclusions you come to can help you move forward mightily.

I really have no words on this. All weekend I haven't thought about any thing in a romantic way. I've been focused on more personal goals. I guess I'm in my Lil' Wayne state of mind…"money over bitches". I might not be yelling it to the grave, but I'll be yelling it to the bank. I've been on my grind fa real, fa real. I'm trying to make some moves and turn this year around for me, and only me. May sound a bit selfish, but what sense does it make thinking and devoting myself and time to other people, and I don't have my own shit in order? This is get money phase: operation success!

Fuck what that daily singles bit is talking about. =\

The Hunter

I had a bad night last night. Everything was cool at first. I went too my usual trip out to my parents house with my big sister, spent some time with them, ate, watched movies, washed clothes, and had a great time. It wasn't until after I dropped my sister off, and was heading back to my apartment that my climate started to shift. Eyes focused on the road; with tunnel vision starting form. I could feel the tears sting within my ducts and my eyelids blinking in overdrive attempting to fight them off. They lost the battle though. Before I knew it; I was crying a river traveling down 610 North. I was trapped within my thoughts, and was now in an open range for reality's target practice. I'd been shot.

I was trapped in thoughts of the past, present and future. Battling with questions of why's, what if's, and how can I's like a major ping pong tournament. Yes, I couldn't done some things in my past much differently. Those things would have altered my present, and might've made my future much more sweeter. My mom was telling me just yesterday how she was thinking about my first day of school, and how pretty I looked. She told me that she cried, but I was eager to go in. I wonder how my life would be right now if my very first day of school would've gone differently. What if I were not so eager to attend that first day of class. What if that new environment scared me shitless. What if I didn't make any friends that day? What if I didn't learn anything that day? How would I be as a woman today, if anything changed on that day? Curiosity is getting the best of me, no doubt. However, the things that are said and done cannot be changed. If my present is not what it is now, who really knows where I'd be. I might not be the same woman that I am today. I cannot say that is good or bad.

After leaving my family last night, I did realize yet again how lonely I truly am. With all the individuals that may crowd my space at times, I'm still lonely. Those individuals are just props. They help me get by, and pose a knock off versions of what I think I truly want and desire. Selfish? A little bit, I can't lie. I've been approached by the devil on many occasions in the form of beautiful women, and I've partaken of their forbidden fruit almost every time. SO many bites later, and I have nothing to show for it. I'm still by myself. I'm still yearning for companionship. I hide behind my self conjured fantasies, and I psyche myself out in attempts to make myself believe that I'm happy being a single bachelorette. However, I'm just the game, playing the field, dodging what's real. I'm the target and last night I was shot dead by reality.

Daily Singles: Different Paths

I had a conversation last night with a friend of mine about the different places in life that people occupy. That is a pretty simple observation on life and people, but it becomes a bit more complicated when actually dating someone or being in a relationship with someone. Being in those different places can be the one thing that breaks your relationship.

Ever been with someone and hit if off good only to later realize that you both are on two different paths in life, and leading in two different directions. You realize that they don't desire the same things as you, they don't hold the same passion in life as you do, they don't obtain the same drive as you do, they just aren't on the same level of living as you are. This is major in any type of relationship. If you're heading down a path for success and your friend or lover is on a path to what seems like destruction; this can't be healthy for your relationship. More so, this isn't healthy for you, because you will eventually become like the company that you keep.

Daily Singles

Handling those wild feelings may take the bravery of a lion-tamer, but getting your matters of the heart in order will allow you to see the situation in a more productive way. Then you can go back to roaring!

**This really has nothing to do with the shit that I actually spoke on, sorry =\**

Daily Singles: Summer Cool Down

Daily Singles: Summer Cool Down

Yikes -- your emotions are all over the place now. When it comes to romance, your knee-jerk reactions could have you kicking up quite a fuss -- one that might be completely unnecessary. Try to cool it.

Yes my emotions are all over the place today. I did however enjoy my long weekend. Time spent with my friends and family. It's moments with these people that make me realize the more important things in my life. I pay too much attention to bullshit produced by unworthy illusion lovers. I'm forever letting in and cutting out. You can judge this by my previous posts. If it ain't one thing, it's another.

I've been pretty stable lately though. I have a short temper and a very low level of patience in this love thing. That my way or the highway attitude is a bit extreme. I let my emotions get the best of me when things don't go my way and I handle matters in a very over dramatic way. I can admit this. It usually leaves people cursed out, kicked out and cried out. I'm not proud of this, but I've been this way for quite some time. I mean just yesterday I told somebody to beat it. That situation is one that I've written about before, and silly me for continuing to entertain such madness.

So now is the time to truly cool it. The rift raft is gone, and there is no excuses as to why I can't focus on the things that I really need to be working on. 2009 is not over, and there are many more moves that I must make before the year's end. The door is still open for love, and it always will be. All goes to show that the things I need to work on need to be accomplished before I call myself settling in another relationship.

Daily Singles: I Pity The Fool

Daily Singles: Aquarius - May 20, 2009

Did you say yes to a date because you felt like you should? It's time to listen to what you genuinely want to do, not what you feel obligated to do. Your love life will improve immediately.

This is something I use to be guilty of. Can't say that it's happened for quite some time. No time, energy or patience to entertain this type of situation. Not enough pity in the world. If I don't want you, I don't want you. End of story.

Daily Singles: Jaws Of Life

I'm not feeling this day at all thus far. I knew that when I went to bed last night with a mind filled with negative thoughts and a heart filled with remorse; my day would be rather jacked up. Why is letting go so hard for humans. Scratch that. Why is letting go so hard for me? When I get a grip on something, omg! I need the jaws of life to come and pry my hands open. Jumping into something new would more than likely ease my mind concerning what's old. Rebound material is not the best route to take; however it's the most familiar route. I have to fully close the door on the old in order to open the door for the new. It's only fair. It's the healthiest way.

Daily Singles: Aquarius - May 19, 2009

It's one small step for your love life, one giant leap for your overall philosophy of the heart. What seems like a relatively insignificant happening leads to an advance in your thinking that will really take you places.

Grasping onto what's real is much more logical than grasping on to what you know was never meant to be. Story of my life dude.

Daily Singles: Faceless Desire

I often sit and wonder where my journey in love will ultimately guide me. Will I be settled by the age of 30? Will I have a family by that time? Will I still be single as I am now? Will I be suffering through yet another heartbreak? Where am I headed in this love thing? I'm itching ya'll. What I desire is getting more and more desirable by the second. I want her; whomever she is. There is no woman in particular that I am feeling like that at this moment, but got my eye on that one right over there. I can't see her face though. Yeah, that's her. The one with the independent sticker. The one with the healthy honesty and trustworthy policy. The one with no prior owners sign. Yeah that one has no baggage, dents or bruises of the past. Shiny finish, with endless potential, respect and understanding. This one is a beauty, and when I get my hands on her; she'll be a keeper. She's my faceless desire.

Daily Singles: Aquarius - May 18, 2009

What is wishful thinking for some is a vision of the future for you. You know that the line between what you desire and reality is a permeable one, and now's an ideal time to push something across that border.

Daily Singles: Blah @ Drunk Texting

Daily Singles: Aquarius - May 17, 2009

Being single means never having to say you're sorry -- at least not for doing what you want, when you want, with whom you want. Revel in it now, and be sure to leave some time for relaxing solo-style.

I committed an awful crime in drunk texting last night. I contacted someone that I had no business conversing with. Someone that I so called permanently closed the chapter on. I said goodbye to this girl for good reason, but something inside of me won't erase her from my mind totally. It sucks! She is one of the lovers on my wall of shame, and is the very reason why I'm single this round in life. Am I sorry for contacting her? Not really, I mean I can honestly say that it gave me the reality check that I needed. I realized quickly why I don't associate with her anymore. Once a bullshitter, always a bullshitter right? She's the epitome of it.

Questions about who I've been spending my time with, and what I've been doing while spending my time with whomever were brought up. Conversations like this are reserved for someone whom I might be dating exclusively or someone that I'm currently in a relationship. I can't be taken on a guilt trip by someone who didn't do right by me when I was giving them the best part of me. I won't apologize for anything that I'm doing with anyone right now, because as a single woman I have every right to do what the fuck I want to do. Bottom line.

Today, I do have the urge to just ride out to my parents house and chill with them by myself. I don't want to be bothered with my big sister or "friends". So thats what I think I'm going to do today. I might catch a move out in the suburbs or something. Drunk texting my ex last night helped me realize how blessed I am right now that I'm single. I miss her for whatever reason, but it's not worth all the crap I put up with while I was entertaining her.

Next time I am drunk, I need someone to grab my phone. Ugh!

Daily Singles: Perception of Past Romances

Daily Singles: Aquarius - May 16, 2009

Hindsight isn't always 20/20 -- when it comes to reviewing past romances, it can have a bad case of cataracts. Ask yourself if you're seeing events as they really were, or how you wanted them to be.

When I look back at my past romances I don't always look at the entire picture. The way I see things is depending on how it all went down between me and that person. How did things end? How did we split? Are we still in contact with one another? Do I still have feelings for that person? Did I wish it would've worked out between us? Now if I'm on some "real fuck a bitch shit" because of this person and the way that they treated me; I'm not going to think too highly of my past romance with this person. I'm going to forget the actual good things that might've taken place during our season. I'm going to talk major shit, and not give this person a good recommendation for future romances with anybody that I know may be interested in them.

Now when it comes to the ones that I feel like I shouldn't have let slip away so easily; I tend to play favoritism. In all actuality everything between me and this person could not have been "ALL THAT", but because deep down I still have feelings for that person, I'm not going to think about the bad things. I'm going to forget the fact that they snored. I'm going to forget the fact that they lied 70% of the time. I'm going to forget the fact that they had insecurity issues. All negativity about this person will be covered, because they are in my favorite folder, and for some strange reason I'd take them back with the good and bad.

When I do take my frequent trips down memory lane and look at my lovers wall of fame and shame; I do view the events the way I sometimes wish they would've went down. I add my own spin on things in my own head. It's my fantasy or my nightmare. Perception is everything that I make it. I am the only artist in my world, and there is only one masterpiece in this exhibit. How I view the events of past romances is going to be totally different than how the other party views our past events. That's how life is no matter what the actual case may be. No two people's mental hindsight are the same.

Bottom line - perception is only part of the equation. Acceptance is everything!

Daily Singles: Living Single

Yes, the relationship assassin is back. When I first started this blog I depicted my publishing's to contain more poetry and short stories. Then I decided to place the spot light on love and relationships from a personal standpoint. I guess I got so disgusted with love and failed relationships that I caught ghost, loll. Nah, that wasn't the reason. Although my love life sucks something serious; I really did have a lot going on in my life that steered me away from posting so much. Want more details on my blog hiatus events; visit me at The Life Of A Word Hustler blogspot.

So yeah, still living single in America. Loving it? I'm straddling the fence on that decision. The pros outweigh the cons to be honest. I love the independence and sole responsibility for my own being. The companionship is missed though. That pretty little missile will come and knock me out the sky soon enough, no rush. I'm playing the cards dealt for the time being.

Daily Singles: Aquarius - May 15, 2009

The bonus vim and vigor you've got going now could make you a bit all over the place, so plan for lots of different activities and interesting circumstances. Don't forget to notice who's noticing you!

Let's Play Catch Up

Wow, I haven't been on here in what seems like an eternity. Life has been extremely busy me. Lot's of thing going on my way. I can't lie and say I'm not dead, sleepy tired right now, because I am. I do want to get back into the swing of things though. I want to reveal what's been going on with me these past couple of months. I'm going to have to come back with a part two thrown at you, because right now; it ain't happening. I'm typing with one eye open as we speak.

Changed the spot up a little bit. Changed the swag a tad bit. I'm still grinding like none other. Still doing my thing. Still remaining who I am...and that's a hustler!


She's back...

The Season Of Love

….is DEAD. Do not resuscitate! Let that muthafucka go! Love doesn't live here anymore. I'm not the only one feeling it. It seems like the season is just over. Lot's of folks are going through it. The heartbreak and heartache caused by the deportation of love. I recently ended a relationship that was built on a lie and drug through the dirt by false hope. I think I felt more betrayal and resentment than heartache, but I guess it's all the same thing huh? It wasn't bad though. I've been through much worse. I didn't lose any sleep or miss any meals. I've been living life as normal. I really don't have time for heartache right now. Too many things have to be accomplished in my day. So thank God I was spared this go round. I wish I could say the same for others I know. =(

It's something we all must go through in my eyes. It's almost destined like that life and death. We all suffer from the loss of love. Once you get past the hurting and pull the proper lessons out of the experience; it can only make you a better person.

"Every time we lay awake
after every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
still I haven't missed you yet
Every roommate kept awake
by every silent scream we make
Only when I stop to think about it
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?"

- 3 Days Grace

I swear I didn't want to write about this today. I've been dodging this post for the past week. I've been trying to find another outlet I suppose. I've been doing good thus far with keeping it off the brain. I hate to wallow in self pity and breast stroke through spilled milk. Clean it up and pour another class. I am my mother's child, and dwelling in depression is something we just don't do. However, with some things its easier said than done. My good friend is going through something that I've been through one too many times. Way beyond the point of desire. I feel her pain, and I wish I could take it all from her. Time has to run it's course though. It's like indulging on something so sweet that you know will leave a bitter after taste. We live for that first bite though don't we? Nobody can tell us anything once we get our hands on it! The devil is a lie, and the truth ain't in him!!! I'm going on a fast.

So Much For That

Aquarius - February 8, 2009

If your romantic life is going through some drama right now, the best course of action is no action at all! Even if you are sure of what you want to happen next, you've got to wait a while and just let the dust settle. Let the other person be the next one to make a move. It's their turn, and if you act impatiently, they could feel like you are starting a power struggle. If things are meant to be, they are meant to be. You need to take this kind of attitude right now.

Well, its pretty clear that on usually only write here when there is trouble in paradise or my love life has gone down the drain yet again. Truth be told, I'm really trying to get back into this blogging thing. My life's responsibilites were just kicked up a few notches, leaving me with little or no time to spare. I think the last time I wrote here I was having issues with getting my girl to listen to me and all that good stuff. Well, that never happened, loll. Her head remained up her ass, and she couldn't see past her own shit. Of course I had to dip. Does she understand why things went down the way they did? Or course not. She's still clueless, and I'm being labeled the bad guy. The story of my life.

She states that I changed her for the better. I chalk it up to the rest of the bullshit she's told me in the past. So many untruths and fabricated stories were told, only insulting my intelligence. Ahhhh, Deja vu. Back to what I know, which is being responsible for my own feelings and heart. It's better this way. I feel relieved. I don't wake up with the weight of love on my shoulders. Fuck what you heard, all that stuff is overrated. This coming from a person who loves to be alone anyway. The saga continues...

Sweet Saturdays

Saturdays just got sweeter.....

This is where you can find me on the weekends!

If you're in Houston check it out!!

Listening Ear

Before I get into this I have to laugh my ass off @ The Dreamy One! I know you think all my blogs are about different people, but they aren't. I mean I can be indecisive, but damn! Most of these joints are about the same person. I'm caught on an emotional love rollercoaster, and I can't get off. Forgive me, if my blog emotions change like my draws. Frankly, I'm not even trying to get off this rollercoaster. I'm digging' the ride.

I'm slowly getting back into this blog thing. I have more followers on this blog than I thought I ever would. I want to stop by everyone's spot and read my little ass off. That'll take an entire day to do, loll. I'll get there though, so don't stop reading me, because you think I'm not reading you. So I want to welcome the new viewers. This blog isn't all that spectacular. Most blogs I see are strictly about fashion, gossip and music. I keep my shit real, personal and down to earth. This is me. This is how I live my life, and this is how I view life through my eyes. Right now, I'm all in love so if a little lesbian dramatic love scene doesn't offend you, stick around.

Aquarius Love Scope - January 14, 2009

Take a look beneath the surface to get a better idea of what is going on in your relationship. Let your loved one know you are available to lend an ear if there's something on their mind.

The one thing that is truly needed in a healthy relationship is communication, but also the listening ear. On this ride, we've had some hearing issues. However, I think we found the right hearing aide to guide us to our next step in love. I never thought we'd get there though, loll I can't lie. I felt I had entered the cemented fun house and my words were bouncing off the walls slapping me right back in the face. It was not a good feeling.

Everything is not always everything. Shit happens, and yes I am a firm believer in tough love. What I find not worth crying over, someone else may not be able to stop crying over. Sometimes I want to slap people for the tiny situations that they call problems. In my eyes, the world literally never stops spinning so you need to keep moving right along with it. Whatever you're going through can always be worse. However, people still need that listening ear. They still need that shoulder to cry on. I'm trying to provide that for my love. It can be hard, because half the time I just don't see the logic behind it all. However, it's not my life. She's the artist, and I'm merely her number one fan hanging on to every stroke with every brush, with every color she chooses to place on her canvas. I can critique all I want to, but this is her masterpiece. I respect that, and I respect her. I'm here in any way, shape or form.

Now that we seem to be on the same page, I do hope that the feelings and duties are mutual.

Can You Hear Me Now?

I'm suppose to be on this sabattical. Taking my break from the outside world. If only I could stay away from the earthlings; I would. However, I still have to make a living and pay bills. I have this intellectual void that needs to be filled. My good friend no longer has time for me; so those conversations that could only be held with her have come to an end. Don't know what's going on with The Black Experience meet up group, but that was suppose to be another way to give my brain a bath. Who knows. I haven't really been talking to anyone. The person I have been talking to is really giving me this touch and go blues. I don't dare waste my intellectual thoughts on her. I already feel like most of my words are vanishing in thin air as it is. It's really dsappointing. I'm use to people being thouroughly interested in me. Interested in what my beliefs are. Interested in what makes me tick. Interested in what I feel about current events. I'm use to brain teasing converstaions. Most of our conversations revolve around her. I just sit back and listen. I can only hope that my responses to her will be fully heard.

I haven't been writing hardly anything. I'm use to ones that are actually interested in me, to ask "hey why haven't you wrote anything lately?" "Have you wrote today?" "I'm missing something here, link me to your latest blog." I don't get that from her. She's super caught up in her own world. She' in love with the idea of me. She loves the fact that I am here. But just because a person is on the phone or in your presense doesn't mean that they are all there. My personaltily won't allow me to throw everything out in the open. I don't like things being ALL about me, this is why I ask questions. I show my interest and I ask the whys and hows. I prove with my actions that I am interested in the person I'm with. I don't know, I just feel incompaitable right now. Like I don't fit. I keep hoping that this feeling will vanish, but as the days go by; it's only the same scenario. A ounce of me is living in her world. My thing is, will she ever thirst for more? Or has she overdosed on that little bit? Can she not handle anymore?

I don't like feeling like an attention whore, because I'm not. I'm just a person who is use to being studied by the mentally intrigued. So I'm waiting. Am I just waiting for her to get bored? Am I waiting for myself to get bored, because even though it rarely happens to me; I do get bored. I get bored when my brain is in park. I get bored when I'm not learning anything more. I get bored when the information highway is not directing two-way traffic. My interest starts to wander. The intellectual becomes a magnet to my attention, and up and away I go. I do need this girl to show, and give me more. I am finding myself demanding it and my words falling upon deaf ears. However, things like this no one should demand. I can't make anybody show interest in me, loll. That's insane. Either it's there or it isn't. 2009 is suppose to be my year of not settling. However, I can't help but to feel like I started off the year doing just that.

I get these "Mica I want to get in your head" requests everyday, but it's not coming from the one I need it to come from. Gosh, I feel obsolete in this girl's world. The communication is off, the understanding is questionable, the beliefs are unspoken, and it's all making the future very blurry. As I tell her more often than not, I'll stick around for as much as I can take.
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