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Absolute Exception

She Got Me Going (Absolute Exception)

My life is in extreme high definition
My lady, my love with no definition
My heart doesn't need any explanation
My yesterdays are in no comparison
to what is going on in my present
do I dwell on the future?
My dreams are constant in pure perfection
Her face is what I see when I look in my heart's reflection
I'm gone
So far gone,
Every rule of mine she bypassed with absolute exception

Love has not been on my side
I'm scared
Terrified of it's past deception
There is no guide, manual or list of instruction
It's all up to my discretion
Good riddance to my hesitation
I'm gone
So far gone
Every rule of mine she bypassed with absolute exception

My mind clouded with fear
My eyes full of tears
Still I stay focused on our destination
My heart is one step ahead of the game
Dialed out and made that reservation
Table for two under the stars
our beauty overcast by candle light
Staring at the best things made under God's creation
I'm gone
So far gone
Every rule of mine she bypassed with absolute exception

I do not speak the language of forever
I speak in the language of logic
In the name of reality
I fight against love to keep my sanity
You're now apart of my knowledge
Something I'll never forget
Our hearts clocks are set
Hoping that this love bomb never offsets
But it will
Will we survive the blast
Will you be a mere thing of my past
Will the healing process be slow or fast
I'll hold your hand even through the crash
If we part
It's because you let go
Don't let go
We're gone
So far gone
Every rule we've bypassed with absolute exception

Published by: T. Nicole © 2008

Nikki Part 3 - AGAIN

Nikki Part III
It had been three weeks since I planned to take my life and Nikole Seasons, who calls herself Nikki, indirectly saved me from doing so. Come to find out she came to me by way of my old college roommate, Bobbie Kees. I have received many referrals from tons of clients, family members, and friends, but none of them can hold a candle to Nikole Seasons. She is absolutely flawless; standing about 5 feet 9 inches, golden caramel complexion, and tight oval shaped eyes, full luscious lips with perfect teeth to match. She was gorgeous on the outside; with a body that could bring any woman or man to their knees. However, on the inside there seemed to be a million volcanoes erupting all at once. Let’s face it, she is a mess! The day she showed up on my doorstep she ended up staying for three hours. She totally helped me escape my own issues. Usually in cases of emergencies I charge double by the hour, but I couldn’t convince myself to take her money even if I wanted to. I was for sure in no need of it. I had been blessed to be named the top psychologist with the most clients in my office. So having one case on the house was no problem.

It took her quite some time to warm up to me, and that is definitely understandable, because I was a complete stranger. Here she was in my living room attempting to empty her mental space and place it in my hands. I told her to take her time and only share as much information with me that she felt comfortable to. There were a few moments of silence, and during these times I took the time to look at her. She was indeed a well groomed woman; youthful with a sense of elegance that I hadn’t encountered before. There was no doubt that this woman took pride in herself and her appearance. I have known women like this to be someone who uses their physical beauty to cover up the mental bruises they portray. All those insecurities that lie within them. I could not help but to wonder would she be just like the rest of those women as I sat there tracing the frame of her perfectly sculptured body.

“I know you must think I’m crazy and I sincerely want to extend my apologies once again for showing up on such short notice.” She said with her eyes plastered to the pants of her white business suit. She looked up at me with such remorse, and my heart instantly went out to her. “It’s just that lately I have been struggling with so many emotions that I knew if I didn’t talk to someone soon I would completely lose it.”

“Well, I am glad that you decided to speak to someone. Most people don’t recognize the dangers of stress, and don’t act on their problems until something traumatic occurs. So kudos to you for that.” I sat there feeling so unprepared. I know I should have had my legal pad and recorder in front of me, but I didn’t want to make her more uncomfortable than she already was. I would have to wing this one, and depend on my memory alone. “So what exactly have you been struggling with lately Nikole? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“Oh Dr. Washington! My life has made a complete 360 in the past two months. Things weren’t perfect, but they were manageable. I had a wonderful career, a healthy bank account, a loving family, great friends, and the world was at my fingertips. I did not break when I lost the biggest case of my career. I didn’t break when my house burned down with everything that I owned inside. I didn’t break when my childhood friend of 31 years sexually assaulted and raped me. I didn’t break when I found out I was pregnant with his child. It wasn’t until my other half, my sanity; my identical twin sister took her life.” Tears were streaming down her face by this time. I felt a lump in my throat as well, because this was a ton of misery for just one person to take on.

I walked over to my fireplace and grabbed the box of Kleenex and handed them to her. “I can see how all of this would break you Nikole. I honestly wouldn’t know how to handle so much at one time myself. You prove to be a very strong woman.”

“I was raised to be strong, and to never let anything or anyone cause me to fall on my face. I was taught that every hurdle can be jumped no matter how high. But when I walked into my sister’s condo and saw her hanging from the banister of her staircase, I fell flat on my face.” She wiped her nose and dried her face. “I lost it that day. And the world that I once had, ended.”

“I know that you mentioned you and your sister were close. Were you aware of any problems that she might’ve had that would make her take her life?” I asked, as I sat there marinating in my own guilt. I felt so selfish and horrible for what I was about to do one second before this woman knocked on my door. I sat there looking at how miserable she was. Look at how much sorrow was in her life now that her sister was gone. I couldn’t imagine taking my best friend and family through this type of pain.

“She was a free spirit. She lived her life on the edge, and this was something that I was always envious of. I was the one who always had to have such a structured life, and I worried about everything. She spent most of her days trying to get me to loosen up. That’s why I don’t understand why she would kill herself!” she laid her head on the back of my couch and stared at the ceiling for quite some time. I wanted to interject, but I decided against it. “Her and my parents didn’t get along. She always jokingly said that if she were to die, they wouldn’t care, because all they cared about was me anyway. I never took her seriously on this matter, because mom and dad loved her.”

“How do your parents feel now? What were their conditions after the…funeral?” Speaking of death with my clients was something that I wasn’t comfortable with. I was trained not to hesitate in any of my words and deliverance when dealing with clients, but sometimes it is hard. I took a deep breath and awaited her response.

“Well my mother was a wreck. I knew it was more guilt than anything. My dad didn’t show much emotion. He didn’t cry at her funeral, but when he speaks of her now the sorrow in which he feels seeps through his pores. I know they both feel bad for the relationship they chose to have or not have with her, but now it’s too late.” She rubbed her stomach. “It’s too late for a lot of things…”

“Lots of things like what?” I asked.

“Once I finally came to grips with the fact that I had life growing inside of me, it was too late.” She started to cry again. “I hated that life at first. I selfishly only thought about me and I just knew that my career would be jeopardized because of this “curse” that was placed inside of me.” She shook her head back and forth. “He showed me. God has made me pay for my thoughts. He allowed me to grow to love the child within me and then He took it away from me!”

“Did you miscarriage?” I asked.

“Yes.” She said with a light chuckle. She dabbed her eyes dry again. “And here I was so worried about the baby ruining my career, and I lost the biggest case of my career on my own!” She looked back up to the ceiling and yelled, “I hear you loud and clear! I get it!”

“Nikole, I don’t know if you are a religious woman, but I must say that I don’t believe God does anything to purposely hurt us. Things happen in our lives that are meant to teach us a lesson, but Satan is the cause of all evil. I don’t think that God took the lives of your sister and your unborn child.” I hope that I didn’t overstep the code of ethics by dabbling too much into the whole religion thing.

“Maybe you’re right. Perhaps all of this was just mapped into my life’s timeline and design. Who knows? I just want to know how the hell am I going to get through this one with all my marbles still accounted for, you know?” She rhetorically asked.

“Yes, I know. Like I said earlier, it is quite apparent that you are a very strong woman with a great deal of common sense. I know that this is indeed a very high hurdle to jump and I am here to help you whenever you need it. Don’t hesitate to call me when you feel the need to. Besides, any friend of Bobbi’s is a friend of mine”, I smiled at her hoping to bring some light into her world as impossible as I thought it was at the moment.

To my surprise she smiled back. “I do thank you again Dr. Washington for allowing me into your home and listening to me spill my guts.” She laughed. “I don’t want this to be the last time that we speak and I know that I will need more than just this one session.” She reached into her purse and handed me her business card. “Please give me a call at my office so that we can set up something more legit and professional so to speak. I know your services aren’t free. In fact, here you go.” She reached into her purse and pulled out a hundred dollar bill. “Please take this, because I can’t leave here without paying you for just listening to me. You have no idea how much was lifted off of me just venting out to you.”

I pushed her hand away. “I will not accept your monies Nikole. You came here on behalf of a very dear friend of mine. I couldn’t possibly charge you for this. Let’s just consider this one on the house.” I winked as I got up from my love seat. “We will indeed set up regular appointments for you to attend at my office. Then I’ll have to take your money,” I laughed. We both headed for the door. “Well thank you for allowing me to listen to you today Nikole, and please expect my call sometime tomorrow afternoon.” I said opening the front door so she could depart.

“Please call me Nikki, Dr. Washington. I look forward to hearing from you tomorrow. Enjoy the rest of your evening.” She said walking out into the darkness of the night to her car.

I did call her the next day to set up our first appointment which is scheduled for today. I got in touch with Bobbie a couple days after my first encounter with Nikki. Now that she and I are well off into our separate lives and careers we don’t have much time for one another now days. Every blue moon we get together for lunch just to catch up on times that have slipped by us. It is always an enjoyable occasion and a pleasure to see how successful my friend has become. However, this last occasion was quite different. Everything was going well until I mentioned her name. The name of the woman who seems to become more and more mysterious with every thought that she steals in my mind. When I spoke the name of Nikole Seasons you would’ve thought Bobbie had seen a ghost. Needless to say our lunch date was cut short that day. I am curious to know why and I will find out sooner than later.

Published by: T. Nicole © 2008

Cliff Hangers

I revealed in my other blog that I'm reading Midnight by Sister Soulja. Not feeling it too much, but there was this line in chapter 32 that stuck out to me. It stuck out, because it's something that always seems to happen to me.

"I wondered if she even needed me to participate in this conversation. It seemed like she could ask me all the questions in the world, but was too jumpy to listen for my answers. Or maybe she didn't want any answers, I don't know." - Sister Soulja; Midnight

Please remove your heads from your asses people. Okay, maybe that was a rather harsh way to start off my opinionated rant on the subject matter. I just don't understand how people can go through life and not actually sit back and listen. I mean really listen. Listen with all of themselves, and I donʼt just mean with their ears. More so their minds and their hearts; our ears are just a bonus if you ask me. How can one spew the words I love you, and don't pay attention long enough to the person they claim to love? Isn't that like a contradiction in action? I believe so. I'll say this, I let artificial things, be exactly what they are.

It's said that I am too quiet, too reserved, too uptight, too technical, too mechanical, too organized, and too judgmental. Well, I couldn't give TWO fucks. Okay, maybe that was too harsh as well; I apologize. Like the quote reads, I just know a one sided conversation when I hear one. There is no need for me to waste my precious words and/or thoughts on you if I already know that you won't be attentive enough to listen. I know I'll be cut off for some random bullshit before I reach the ladder part of my sentence. I respect that everyone will not be interested in the things I have to say, but donʼt play yourself and tell me that you want to learn who I am, and you don't even show up to class. You're failing with flying colors.

The character Midnight truly reminds me of myself. He's different, and couldn't fit in if he tried. He always stands out, not in a fashionable sense, but in a mental sense, in his demeanor, and in his traditional ways. He's foreign. I was born right here in the United States of American, and I find myself feeling foreign to the ways of the American people. I was born into a religion and family that taught me to not blend in. It taught me to listen beyond what the ear canal can grasp and to see with my mind's eye. I have been mingling with people all of my life, that I knew didn't understand me. They took me to be just like them, but the handful of people that actually took the time out to listen to me quickly learned just how different I am. Just how out of the ordinary that I am. They were not too jumpy to catch on. Sometimes engaging with a person like me is like playing at the edge of a cliff. Jumpy people do exactly that; JUMP OFF! Damn, I wonder if I looked over the edge of my cliff, exactly how many bodies would I see stacked?

It's funny how the only thing some people hear is goodbye. They donʼt hear anything before the word. They donʼt even hear your footsteps moving toward the door. They are so stuck on themselves they donʼt feel their hands on your back pushing you toward that door leading to the final word. Oh how was my day? Oh, you didn't ask me that. Oh how am I doing today? You didnʼt ask that either. What makes me tick? Good question, too bad you didn't ask me that one either. Hold on for a second. Well, I've been holding on this entire conversation, because obviously you aren't even talking to me, but yourself. What am I thinking? If I begin to tell you will you sink or will you swim in my words?

Your feet are dangling baby, you're hanging off the edge of this cliff about to plunge to what seems like your destiny in the world of me. It all makes me realize that I'm just a temporary fix for some folks permanent flaws.

Nikki Part 2 - AGAIN

Nikki Part II

Why can't things ever go my way when it comes to love? Why can't I meet the perfect woman for me? Who am I fooling? I realize that nobody is perfect, but damn for the past ten years of my life I have been striking out big time when it comes to the so called department of love. I have been walked on, spit on, cheated on, and taken full advantage of; I am truly sick of it. Am I under some type of evil curse? I know that I'm not an easy woman to get along with, but give me a break! Somebody is bound to be out there that knows how to handle a woman like me. I thought I found her, especially after I gave her the best part of me; which was my everything!

"Don't worry yourself to death about this Denise. You are much too strong of a woman to be sulking behind some lost love". This, coming from the mouth of my best friend of twelve years. Cassandra has been in my corner through thick and thin. Every good and bad point in my life, she was there. So her opinion is one that I value very deeply, but she was also the most cynical person I knew as well. She has never been in love unconditionally. So her opinion on this matter was biased. "Why are people so hung up on love anyway?" she asked. "I mean, if you ask me, love is highly overrated. My heart is much too valuable to be giving it away all willy nilly"! She exclaimed.

"Cassie please! This is not what I need right now. I really just want to be depressed in peace. I gave this woman the past seven years of my life and for her to just walk away as if I were nothing, makes me feel like crap. So if you'll excuse me, I need to be alone." I said, attempting to give her an invitation out of my house. When she found out that Kelli had left me earlier that day, she hurried to be by my side. Equipped with cheesecake and a big tub of French vanilla Blue Bell ice cream. Whenever we suffer from any type of heartache, we retreat to our Golden Girl therapy session. Cassie truly did know how to cheer me up and I appreciate all of her attempts today, but it's just not working this time. Stick a fork in me, because Denise Washington is finally done.

"So you're kicking me out?" she asked obviously catching on to my hint.

"Yeah girl I'm sorry, but I'm just not in the mood to talk anymore." I said getting up from my favorite cream colored recliner.

"Well due to the circumstances, I will show you empathy and leave you be, but you better call me the moment you feel up to talking to me. Okay?" she was already at the door waiting for my response. I smiled slightly, because my friend is such a beautiful woman. I loved everything about her; I just couldn't help but to smile every time I was in her presence. Sometimes I hated that she had that effect on me.

"Okay, I promise." We exchanged hugs and kisses on the cheek and she was gone. When I closed my front door my world started to shrink by the millisecond. I knew that it was taking all of me to keep my composure in front of Cassie, and I am glad she left when she did, because I couldn't hold it any longer. I broke down to my knees right in the foyer of my little two story red brick home. My heart was aching something terrible and I thought for a moment that I might be having a heart attack. I grabbed my chest as it tightened and I began to sweat profusely. At that point I didn't care if I died or not, so I didn't bother thinking about dialing 911. What was the point of me living? The love of my life was gone with no good reason at all. She was my everything and my life is nothing without her. No one would really care if I were to leave this earth today. My place in this world is non-existent. I literally felt my heart breaking in two as I crawled to my kitchen leaving a trail of my sweat and tears behind me. My daddy always told me as a beautiful young woman living alone, I should keep protection. So I kept crawling until I reached the drawer where I stored that source of protection. I felt around until my fingertips came into contact with the cold steel of a .38 Smith and Wesson.

I felt the sharp impression the handle of my bottom cabinet was making in the small of my back. I gripped the steel that was now in my lap. "How could she do this to me?!" I screamed out loud. "She will feel pain when she finds out that my brains are blown all over my kitchen floor because of her." I double checked to see if I actually had bullets to even prove this point I was determined to make. I think I saw one, but it's hard to tell with these tears blurring my vision. Fuck it. All signs say go. I thought about writing a note, but if I did, that would cause everyone to think I did it for attention. That is not the case, because this world is truly better off without me in it. I guess love won the war. My apologies go out to my best friend, my parents and to God, because I know this will indeed give me a one way ticket to hell. However, if that is where home is, then I am ready to reside.

I shivered at the feeling of the icy barrel against my temple. I shut my eyes tightly and fingered the trigger. I was getting ready to squeeze when I heard a bang on my front door, which scared the hell out of me. I slowly opened my eyes. "This is so not the time", I said. Apparently a person can't commit suicide in peace now days without interruption. I heard the bang again; only this time it was louder. The only reason I wanted to get the door is because I thought it might be Cassie coming back for something she'd forgotten. Being that she has the key and could just walk in; I didn't want her to catch me in the act, so I eased the gun back in the drawer and got up from the floor. I cut through the living room and glanced out the window for her car, but the shiny black cutlass supreme sitting in my driveway didn't belong to Cassie.

"Who is it?" I asked tip toeing up to the peephole. Oddly I didn't see anyone; neither did I get an answer. I opened the door and what was a sunny day, was now a dark and gloomy day. I felt a cold gust of wind enter into my home when she appeared. She was breath taking and seemed to make the world stop spinning with her smile.

"I'm sorry, I'm looking for Denise Washington. Is this her residence?" she asked with such politeness.

"I'm Denise Washington," finally regaining control over my vocal cords.

She took a few steps closer and extended her right hand toward me, "I do apologize for stopping by under such urgent circumstances, but I was referred to you by a friend of mine and I need to talk to you." Her hand was still hanging untouched in the air waiting for my acceptance.

I was dumbfounded when I finally grabbed her hand. With my line of work, I get these kinds of encounters all of the time, but never have any of my clients been as stunning as she. "What is your name"? I asked out of curiosity.

I felt her fingers tighten around my hand causing me to look directly into her sandy colored eyes. I suddenly became lost in some sort of trance when she whispered, "You can just call me Nikki."

Published by: T.Nicole © 2008

Lip Gloss Poppin' Bubblegum Princesses

I'm going to keep this short and simple. With little or no insults. I won't make any promises though. I just needed to clear my chest. As we all know I'm trying new things, tapping into different characteristics to make me a better woman. More patience, more sympathy and understanding. The whole celibacy thing, which has already gone down the drain. I tried. I really did. What can I say though? Some things work for different people. For those of you like me; we can't keep that on lock for too long, or weird shit starts to happen. Our vision is impaired, and our senses are thrown off. We start putting up with bullshit that we would NEVER put up with.

Sometimes I feel like my life is a redundant cycle. In some aspects, I get stuck on the same level and meet the same type of person. I attract the same type of people. It's super annoying. I can't blame every person for the same thing, because there is obviously something in me that keeps attracting these people. When I'm trying to learn someone's story, their history, their likes, dislikes, and basically study their individual human design that God took time to create in His eyes; I need concentration. I need time to do that. I need me and that person to focus on this task.

Instead of getting that shared concentration, I get these mentally blind and deaf cases. The communication is damn near impossible. Forget a language barrier, there is a mental barrier which is much harder to surpass. I want to pull my hair out sometimes. Now days, it's so hard to sit and have a conversation with someone without any distractions, any sidebars, any random outbursts. It's like talking to toddlers. Incomplete thoughts, sentences, awkward pauses, song breaking interludes; it's crazy. At times, I'm like okay; I know I can be uptight, but really who can sit through this shit? Who can stand to have a conversation with someone who is only present in that actual conversation 10% of the time spent? The killer thing is that people really think that we're compatible for a relationship setting; lmaoo! If I can't even hold a simple and organized conversation with you, what makes you think I will put up with that window licking shit in a relationship? Must be out of their cotton picking minds. Oh and then, they often ask, "do you miss me?" Are you kidding me? Lmaoo.

Substance, mystery, confidence, organization, intelligence, articulation, and pride go into a great conversation. Lately, the only thing these females have been equipped with is lip gloss and bubble gum. Real simple like. *sigh. These are some of the reasons why I remain quiet and to myself. I don't speak to people, because I refuse to waste my breath in conversation with lip gloss poppin' bubblegum princesses.

Dead end.

Bedroom Bully - Tag!

Okay, I've been fucked; I mean tagged. My bad ;]
By good ol' Reggie!!

Peep the rules:

1. Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog.
2. Share 3 confident statements and then 3 questions about sex.
3. Tag 6 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
4. Let each person know that they’ve been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Here goes nothing...

1.) People ask me do I ever miss sex with the men dudes. I can't say that I do. Unlike a lot of lesbians, I never had a bad sexual experience with men, in fact they all were great. However, my happiness and GREATEST sex all falls on the land of Venus, where the women reside.
2.) Sex for me use to be like a 4Th meal. It was needed in some type of way on a daily basis. I got a grip, and slowed down a lot though. I will say that old habits do die hard. Better know this!
3.) I own about 150 pornos to fill that sexual void. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I'm not Kirk Franklin, and I wouldn't call myself an addict. I just like to have a selection. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Yo, answer me these...

1.) Having sex with socks on; does this not bother anyone, but me?
2.) Ever fell asleep after sex with the penetrating object or organ still inside of you?
3.) Public display of affection; ever seen it go too far?

I'm tagging...

Everybody who reads this shit!

Righteous Or Unrighteous - Beauty Shop Talk

The Chair. The Main Stage. The Hot Seat.
Hear all and tell all.

So I woke up around 6:00a.m for my hair appointment this morning. Slightly hungover of course. I'll learn my lesson one day. I'm not here to talk about my drinking habits though. I'm here to talk about a discussion we had in the shop this morning. We all know that in any black beauty shop or barber shop is where the most juiciest conversations are held. Any gossip, drama, current events, break-ups, hook-ups and down right ignorance is caught here. I get my fill on these every 2 weeks when I sit in "Jay Why's" chair. Well this morning we had a topic that actually hit home, and had some ladies looking at me sideways. Of course I didn't give a fuck, and that didn't stop me from punching ignorance smack dab in the face; shutting it down!

So "Jay-Why" was telling us about a young lady that had been having problems for as long as we've all known her. She comes around for awhile, and then disappears in the night. No one will hear from her for about 6 months to a year at a time. Well this time she came back around a full blown lesbian! She thought that she needed to tell "Jay Why" about her recent choice in life. This didn't set well with "Jay Why". I actually thought the conversation was just going to be a passing one, but the girl actually came in the shop around 10:00 to get her hair done. Now, I grew up with my beautician and her brothers and sisters. Her mother was always like a 2ND mother to me. Keeping me from 4 months until I was about 5 years old. They were my family. We were all raised under strict guidance, and were taught from the same bible daily. However, we all grew up and set into our individual characters. We grasped our own beliefs, and made our own decisions. That's how growing up and life works right? It should be respected huh? Yeah right.

When "Jay Why" and the ladies got word of the young new lesbian's sexual preference, they flipped. Eyes were rolled, teeth were smacked, heads were shook, faces were frowned, bitches were tight about it. I smiled, loll. Because I knew the shit was about to hit the fan. True indeed, the girl had picked the wrong day to come get her hair done, because they were eating that ass alive! I must admit the young lady was lost, and she was still indeed trying to find herself, but the advise she was given was pure ignorant and hypocritical. Comments were made;

"Baby, you living in sin!"
"This is just a phase"
"Give the men one more chance."
"I knew that tongue ring was more than a fad."
"Yo' mama should have never let you go to that TSU campus!"
"Yo mama didn't raise you right."
"You need better guidance in life."
"You need to choose if you want to be righteous or unrighteous"

"Live your life and do what makes you happy. Find an understanding, realistic and truthful communication line with God."
"Be who you are, and laugh in the faces of the hypocrites telling you that you're living your life wrong."
"You have one judge, and one judge only. None of these bitches in here are flying high above the sky, so that makes them just as imperfect as you are."

"Are you gay?"
"Don't tell that girl that!"
"You're condoning her sinful ways"
"Meeky, you know better than that. My mama and your mama raised you right!"
"That's a damn shame."

"Yes, and I am happy."
"Don't tell her what? The truth?"
"I condone all you lying, nasty, cheating, and trifling fools."
"My mama raised me right, and did a damn good job. I in-turn took her values in life and became who the hell I was suppose to be."
"This is a damn shame."


Needless to say, that was the first time some of those women heard that I was gay my damn self. I am not the kind of woman to go flaunting her sexuality around and shoving it down people's throat. I am a private person, period. This goes for all areas in my life. I just hate to hear when heterosexual people down talk homosexuals and damn them to hell, when they are sinning themselves. No sin is greater or less than the other. There were women sitting in there who have openly admitted to cheating on their husbands, sleeping with their best friend's husbands, lying about who child is whose child, and the list goes on. So just because this young girl admits to be happy in her own life, with ONE person who happens to the the same sex as she, they go left.

The question was brought up, do you want to be righteous or unrighteous? Who are you or anybody else to say what is righteous or unrighteous? How about the young lady choose to be happy and live life for herself, and not for anyone else? I personally cannot live with knowing that went through life making only other people happy. Doing things or not doing things based off of what other people say and think. At the end of the day, these same people are doing what the hell they want to do, and not thinking twice about what you think. The fact of the matter is, people will always have something to say about how someone else is living their life, and how it's not being lived right. Well news flash, it's 2008, we live in the devil's playground of sin and imperfection. We were born NOT to live this shit right, because thanks to our fore-parents; that task is downright impossible; unless your last name is CHRIST. The last time I checked it was only one dude that EVER walked on this earth rockin' that pure garment. Now that's some righteous shit fo' yo ass!

After all of that was said and done, my shop experience didn't even turn out as sour as I thought it would. Some of the ladies still had their opinions as they are supposed to, but they respected it. A couple thought about it, and agreed with me. "Jay Why" just changed the subject, loll. When I got ready to leave, we play fought as usual, and I told her I'd be back in 2 weeks.

As for the newly found lesbian girl; she thanked me for stepping in and having her back. I didn't really step in to have her back parse; I just stepped in and shut down the ignorance at hand. Plain and simple.

Nikki Part 1 - AGAIN

Okay, I know that Chinksz and Dreamy will be mad about me for this, but I have to do it. I need the motivation. I'm re-vamping The Nikki Memoirs. There may be a few changes, so read it again ladies. Don't bash me too hard, seriously. I'm going to finish it this time. So to those of you that are new to this blog, Welcome to The Nikki Memoirs. It's an online short story that I started, shit about a year ago now. I'm a slacker, and never finished it. So read it, hopefully it will keep you coming back for me. If I don't follow through, Jazmine Sullivan my ass, and bust the windows out my Chevy. I'll deserve it.

Nikki Part I

I knew that she needed me the moment I stepped foot into her life. She was a creature of a different species. Only one person could balance her the way that she needed. She needed a life saver, a confidence booster, an ego caresser, and that person was me. I was not meant to be in her life until the end of time. I didn’t know how long I was supposed to be visible to the eye, how long my footprints would stretch across her brain, or how long my scent would linger in her world. I was not in this for love and affection; I was in this as a simple favor. Instead of keeping me as just her cushion for comfort, she made me fall in love with her. Every time she sent me away packing, she drug me back into her life at her selfish convenience. When will my contract end? How long do I have to baby-sit her insecurities and hold her hand through everything she doesn’t want to walk through alone? I have to find a way to escape her grip. My duty calls elsewhere. I have another life to save.

For now I am here with her. Things have been pretty bumpy since we met. Our emotional love roller coaster is an unpredictable one. There are times when I am a part of her everyday routine. Not a night goes by that I am not in her arms. Then there are times when months can go by and she doesn’t think of me or let my name slip from her tongue. I am forgotten and I am not needed. Things are different with her. Normally when I am neglected, I don’t let it phase me, because I know that it comes along with the occupation description. This time I feel something. Could it be what they call jealousy? I know I’ve made many enemies that have wanted to gut me like a fish, because I felt these certain individuals were getting too close to her heart. All I do is laugh, because no harm can be done to something you can’t touch right? Ha; the jokes on them. I know it and she knows it. I am a skeleton in her closet that only comes out when the time is right.

“Who is she?” is what the outsiders ask time and time again. “When can I meet her?” is what they desire after my presence is accepted. "How come she is never around?” is what they wonder. So who am I? I am whatever the insiders want me to be. Just like everyone else, I have a story. It’s said that I grew up in a normal household. Raised by two loving parents with a healthy marriage. Daddy had more money than one could imagine and mama had more imagination than that one just mentioned. My life has been labeled as perfect; personality, body, face, career, salary, home and friends. I am perfect. I couldn’t mess up if I tried, because I am what they make me. My life is lived on strings and they are my puppet masters. My background only goes back so far, perhaps my next encounter will add on to my pencil written story. So many of my memories have been erased; from siblings, to pets, to lifestyles, to religions. Although I have been stable for the past three years, who knows when my strings will be snipped and I’ll have to hop in my cutlass supreme and drift into the next world.

There is just one thing stopping me. I have been trying to figure it out for quite some time now. I have been having this annoying thumping, burning and eerie feeling in my chest. It starts to hurt every time I think about leaving. The pain seems too much to bear. When I think of her leaving me, I get angry. I do things that I know aren’t right. My mind is telling me to go and that it has been time to go; for she is happy now. My job is done. But that thumper in my chest is telling me to stay and I will let all hell break loose if she tries to stray.

Oh, what’s my name? Well I’ve gone by many and have stolen the identities of plenty, but she calls me “Nikki”.

Published by: T.Nicole © 2008

My Ink Traces

Screenshot of my other blog:

I just wanted to say that I appreciate all the love shown on this page. I'm going to try and post more here. As you can see, I mostly empty my head out on whatever random female is clouding my thoughts at the moment. Or a couple posts on long lost ex-girlfriends. Or my super grown woman crushes. Or me possibly breaking the heart of a nice young lady. Either way, I don't post often enough.

So if you're at all interested, go check out my other blog. That is where I do most of my postings anyway. If you just want to be nosey and see who I'm screwing at the time, come back and visit this one. Oh wait, I forgot; I'm celibate. =\

Put It On Ya

I'm kinda feeling this song. Plies is small and full of testosterone, but I dig his swag. He's constantly rapping about fucking, but hey I like fucking. Don't you?
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