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Waving the white flag
surrendering to my thoughts
In complete submission to you
A victory you win over and over again
I wish you’d collect your prize already
And leave
But I surrender

Distance has no space
Time has no tick
Submerged in numbing tranquility
A silence so piercing
totally blinding the mind’s eye
I wish you’d feel this pain I feel
And leave
But I surrender

Fill my mind with your ever being
Overflow my eyes with your beauty
Replay every memory shared with you
Over and over
Again and again
Fill me up with the lies
Because you know the truth kills me
Please don’t leave
I surrender

This white flag I wave
Stained with the blood of my heart
All I have are these memories
Living vicariously through these fantasies
I surrender to every thought of you
Painfully indulged in silent … acquiescence

Copyright © 2011 T. Nicole

The Jaded Truth

Slowly falling out of love, but still in love with being in love. As days go by, less and less thoughts are devoted to my past. I'm enjoying this conscious journey, and it's a very humbling experience to say the least. My senses are at an indescribable peak. I've seemed to have fallen in love with a lot of things that I'd forgotten about while on my dead end chase of hopeless fantasies. It's been really nice to get back to the basics, but there are still old habits lurking in the shadows. Whoever said those suckers die hard wasn't lying! I'm focused though nonetheless. I've come too far to turn back now.

Yesterday, I found out one of my exes were getting married. I had mixed feelings about that discovery. Her and I talk via messenger everyday during the week, and she didn't tell me this. I don't think she would've told me at all actually. Our relationship is very....questionable. I definitely know that she doesn't consider me a friend. I really don't know where I stand in her life. I have still proven that I'd do anything for her, and come to her side when I felt I was needed. However, I still feel like I'm held at a distance greater than necessary. Our conversation has dwindled down to a mere "good morning" everyday. I don't really know the motive or point of her coming back around. It all started over again so...familiar, but quickly changed. I'm in that "stranger" category again. It's annoying. I do NOT like being skeptical of where I stand in a person's life. Especially, when I know exactly where they stand in mine. I did wish her the best after I discovered the news. I'm completely in dark about that relationship, and that's very well since it's none of my business. I have my own thoughts about the whole thing, but they are clearly irrelevant. Much peace and many blessings to their new journey either way.

My current thoughts on love are still quite jaded. I have that bitter taste resting comfortably on my taste buds. I have faith in His plan for me, so therefore I hold no regret in my heart. However, I'm still irritated with all the time spent and the events of my love life over the past two years. There is so many things I would've done differently, and damn sure some things I wouldn't have done at all. It's all part of the plan though. I'm supposed to be where I'm at in life and love right now. These thoughts and feelings I'm having are all right on schedule. The one sided burned bridge torched by the current face of love is a pre-written event in my book of life. There is probable reason behind it. So to question it would be absurd actually. Especially, if I have so much trust in my future. As hard as it is to grasp for me; I know that everybody is not meant to stay in your world for a lifetime. That's a sad truth.

Right now I honestly have no interest in meeting anyone new. Depending on the surfaced motive, I might turn them away if they came around at this point. Actually, I've already done that twice thus far. I just don't have much trust in people anymore. I've been hyped up on faulty loyalty one time too many. I'm over it. I'm loving this time spent with self. Falling in love with myself again has been amazing. I've missed my smile, and I see that again every morning when I wake up. I just don't want to get familiar with the life of a stranger, and after the time is invested they end up being everything they portrayed themselves not to be. Right now, I'm good. My happiness is growing within every waking moment. I'm just consciously speaking on the aftermath of it all.


The Law Of Life

I'm extremely excited about the start of this new month. November, welcomed in the warmest manner ever when I opened my eyes this morning. I felt as if I woke up with a squeaky clean slate. Even cleaner than the one I woke up with yesterday morning. The bible says that every new day is promised its own set of anxieties, but I didn't feel that way this morning. I felt brand new. I reflected on the past two experiences of October, and all in between. The changes are GREAT, and very distinct. I remember a dark point in last month when I desperately prayed to God, and asked him to just take it all back. I didn't think I could go on living with certain memories. As hard as I was trying, and as far as I had come; I just wasn't reaching what I felt was the end of turmoil fast enough. He did me one better though. Instead, He saw me through, and provided me with a new beginning. I'm very thankful to say the least. 

Although, I'm closing some chapters in my life that I never even imagined would run out of a place for words; change is indeed the law of life. Change never really has to have a negative connotation, but as a human filled with fears; it sometimes seems like the WORST. I'm trying to live each day in a more conscious manner. Holding myself 100% accountable for all of my actions. I just feel I have to be totally aware in order to change in the most positive way set out. I understand that I not only have to change my everyday ways, but my entire way of thinking. I have quite a bit of things to spill, but I think I'll chill. Bottom line, my current goal is to become 100% emotionally unavailable to my past. I've held it accountable for the current conditions of my mind and heart for far too long. If I'm blessed to see today; then the things of yesterday shouldn't hold me down for any reason at all. The past has indeed played it's part in my life, and it's chewed me up, spit me out into the present. I choose to get up, and walk with a different stride, and keep a smile plastered on my face. 

"Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or

present are certain to miss the future."

 - John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Another Dawn

"It's a little late now to fix a heart that's broken. Please don't ask me where I'm going. I don't know. No I don't know anymore...." - Corinne Bailey Rae

It's a new day brightened with a new sun. The friends and foes are blended together as one. So therefore, the road in which I choose is a lonely one. So many opinions, so many suggestions, and so many perceptions. I honestly don't know where to turn, and I'd be a fool to believe in another breathing being. At the end of everyday, nobody comes home to my empty house and nobody has to survive any of my sleepless nights. So many of my feelings invalidated by the ignorance of people. My struggle is steady being knocked left and right, because it's foreign to the outside universe of myself. There's so much truth within the words I choose NOT to speak. In reality, living one day with the same heart and mind of mine would kill the next muthafucka'. Go one day with what I go through, and THEN tell me I'm not strong. I try my best to spare feelings nowadays; all the while the rest "oh well" and never-mind mine. Humph, shmucks.

"Joy cometh in the morning." Or so it's said, and so I pray before I retire to bed. I await a new dawn that will totally demolish my past, tidy up my current, and light up my future. The current mistakes that I'm making, hmm well; consequently, it's my own heart that I'm breaking. However, I have to learn my own lessons in life, in love. I have to fight the battles I'm too stubborn to give to God. My patience is ran thin in waiting for Him to bring it all to an end. I'm in the ring one deep, the gloves are on, and I'm kicking my own ASS. Knowing better results in doing better. However, depending on the doer; it's sometimes easier said than done. Speaking of, one day soon I will be DONE. What doesn't need to matter....WON'T in the very near future. Until then, I go through what I go through, and I survive. That is done by my damn SELF! Even the closest ones don't call my phone to check on me. The lonely road conditions me with a strength unreachable to most. I'm learning more and more everyday that what I yearn for in others, is damn sure not what I need. That's another perception severely crushed by the reality God keeps me currently keeps me submerged in. I find a reason to smile everyday. Sometimes not all day, but at least once on the worst day. Myself and God sees my progress even when nobody else does. So what's understood between us, doesn't need to be explained. Right now, I'm just praying for another dawn....

P.S. - Days can sometimes get weary even on the freedom train. Don't get it twisted, and know that I'm STILL holding my ticket.


I'm just testing my blogger app in how it post pictures. I took these pics at the Houston Museum of Natural Science.

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