Subscribe News Feed Subscribe Comments

Why Must I Not Chase The Cat

6:15am I had to go off on somebody. Someone attempting to play head games with me. Charging me up about supposedly disregarding them. Here is my thing; communication goes two ways, and no one person should be held responsible for reaching out all of the time. We are both adults, if we want to call, then we know how to pick up the phone and dial one anothers respective numbers. This brings me to the point of this post. Some females just wanted to be chased. They want you to go out of your way to contact them, and get bothered by the fact that they are not answering the phone. Um yeah, that's not going down over this way. I could care less if you're available or not. I have too much going on in my day to be chasing some female. This is called ADULTHOOD. I am not in high school anymore sitting around all day thinking hopelessly about ANYBODY. Money has to be made to survive, and nobody is going to make it but me.

I'm not sure how many times I've written about validation, and people "needing" some form of emotional security from other people. I understand, we all need somebody. This is what family and close friends are for. Not everybody who flashes a pretty smile at you walking down the street. That is no type of connection, that's called being polite, get a grip! I had a few conversation with this female, and she thinks that my entire life should be revolving around her. Think again baby. Loll, my friend was telling me the other day that some females like to be shitted on. Because, if I were chasing her, she probably wouldn't be giving me the time of day. It's the simple fact that I'm not devoting all of my attention to her, she's probably asking herself why? She did tell me that she is use to people being wowed by her, and that she always gets her way and what she wants. Hm, well like I've been for most of the year with damn near everyone I've met, I'm still UNIMPRESSED.

This one hasn't done anything differently than the last one did. Hell she has some similarities that the fake one did. The childish antics, no conversation full of any type of substance, and no ambition in life what so ever. Man, what are you plans in life? This really isn't about one person though. It is about me and why I opt to not play the chasing game. I don't feel that people are worth my chase. I do apologize if that makes me sound cocky in any way shape or form. Then again, I don't apologize. What makes people think that they are worth the chase. What are they bringing to the table that makes them look to be the proper replacement of the last loser? Good question, and so far, nobody has been able to answer that with solid backup. So back the fuck up!

Invisible Love Affair

Invisible Love Affair

I would describe her as perfect
but she's above and beyond the definition of such
stunning from top to bottom
beautiful from the outside on to the depths of her soul
ashamed of the fact that I've lost control
my mind is gone
my thoughts abducted
my love's cup overflowed and erupted
I'll surrender my last breath for one chance to touch it
she is the epitome of me
just what my mind's painted perception desires her to be
traced within walls of my eyelids
she is just all that I manage to see
it's become the greatest blessing in life just to blink
tangled in the web of my own deceit
struggling to fight against the urge to be free
free from the truth
escaping the screams of reality ready to break loose
now facing the question of what's a girl to do?
The greatest love we make is inside my own head
I'm speaking loud and clear
but she can't hear one word that I've said
See I know her, but she doesn't know me
the only one in this woman's view is she
I am neither here nor there
temporarily trapped in this invisible love affair

T. Nicole

It Isn't In Me

Affection? Who is that? What is that? I never heard of it! Somebody must've taken that trait from me and made a rest in peace shirt of it! Lol. It is just something I cannot get into if I'm not madly in love with someone. And lets face it, when am I ever madly in love with someone? I understand that people, especially women can tend to be very affectionate, and it sometimes makes me want to run away quick. The testing all day, the having to talk to me on the phone everyday, asking if I miss them. I mean really, when do I have time to miss you if you're hitting me up ALL DAY?! It's sort of a turn on. I dig a woman who poses to be a challenge, and won't make things so easy to grab. I need that mental challenge. Make me earn that affection, because you're damn sure going to have to earn mine, ya dig?

At this time in my life I'm not really sweet on anyone in particular. I've decided to let Jamaica tend to her girlfriend, and eliminated myself as the option in her life. I always have a couple lingering prospects that show interest, but I can't just seem to get into any of them on a significant level. Nothing is being brought to my attention that I have not already seen before. I just see more emotional distress on their behalf and not mine, because I won't be able to deliver to them what they expect me to deliver. Affection being one of those expectations. Maybe right now, I'm just not feeling the whole dating thing. I haven't gone out of my way to search for love in I can't even tell you how long, so that is definitely not being thought of either.

I was talking to someone earlier who was having a bit of trouble expressing herself. All I kept hearing was "I don't' know", and no sure answers to any of my questions. That bothered me, but it also helped me to remember that I was once that way before myself. I've come along way with expressing my feelings, but showing my emotions are another story. I'm still working on that. I just have always believed that people aren't deserving of looking at me from the inside, out. There are some tests that must be passed in order to get to the softer side of me. I don't trust people, and busting myself wide open for someone who may or may not be around even a week from now just isn't in me.

It isn't in me to desire to cuddle up next to someone for extended amounts of time. It isn't in me to want to talk to somebody every minute of my day. It isn't in me to miss anyone at this time. It isn't in me to want to go out of my way to see anyone at this time. It isn't in me to spend any of my time. The last person I had any of this in me for turned out to be a fake ass Puerto Rican mother of 4, who had me believing that she was a fine ass black successful woman; mother of 0. Don't get me wrong, one bad apple didn't spoil the entire orchid for me. I've had a lot of bad apples in my life time thus far, and I still have hope in finding that one apple that will make my love life more bright than it's ever been before. I have HOPE in that, but right now I'm not concerned, thinking or looking for that.

Sometimes, I meet nice people, who are sweet, warm and welcoming, but I just can't find it in myself to match that sweet, warm and welcoming nature that they are giving off. Yes, yes, at the end of the day, at least I can say that I remained who I was, and did not compromise myself for anyone, but sometimes my conscience gets the best of me. I feel that I may be running away some pretty good people here. Maybe I am too tough on some people. That form of love does not work on EVERYBODY. Just because I had to go through it, and became the strong woman that I am, does not mean another person has to go through the same thing to become just as strong. So I sit here and say that certain traits like affection just isn't in me, but maybe I haven't searched deep enough.

Nikki Part IV

I knew people referred to the world as being a small one, but I didn’t think it was this damn small. I was well aware of what I was getting myself into when I entered the life of Ms. Denise Washington, but this was way more than I bargained for. I didn’t think she would be this beautiful. How could a person like her be so weak? She seems to have it all together on the outside; inside she was a complete mess. Sort of like what she made me out to be. Or more like what I made myself out to be on our first encounter. I had no idea how I would weasel my way into the head of a “head doctor”, but I found my way in when I found out her and Bobbie use to be such great friends.

Humph, Bobbie. She was quite the character. No wonder Denise stopped fooling with her trifling behind. I spent thirteen precious months with that basket case. She took me and everyone else in her life through a whirlwind. She didn’t know a good thing if it slapped her in the face. She used people non-stop and when someone finally came into her life and gave her a dose of her own medicine, she didn’t know how to handle it. That is why I stepped into the picture in the first place. She was about to break, because she was being stepped on. This man she called her husband used and abused her just like she had use and abused so many others throughout her life. She needed me just like all the rest did. I was eager to extend my helping hand, because in some pathetic way, I felt bad for Bobbie. She tried so hard to be this woman that she truly wasn’t. I was there to help her find that person inside of her. I was there to teach her ass a lesson once and for all.

Many sleepless nights came about, because she kept fighting me. She was a woman who was puffed up with pride and tried to push me away with every tactic that came to mind. But she soon realized that she couldn’t push me away. I was unstoppable. I was the elephant in her every room. As time went by, I knew she would soon accept things as they were and work with me instead of against me. Boy was I wrong. This bitch turned on me. She cried insane on me; placed us both in a white room with padded walls. This wasn’t what I signed up for. Something happened to me in that place. The woman I once was, was no more. She did not exist once the trial was over. She did not exist once the flames were put out. She did not exist after that casket was closed. Bobbie can be held accountable for all. I tried my best to be everything that she needed me to be. We made passionate love that was sure to ease her mind to the point where she forgot all else. I guess she was more hooked to that dick than I thought she was. Ha-ha, joke was on me. Or that is what she thought huh? No, not ever! The joke was on her!

I walked away from her with the explosions going off behind me. Now here I am. It looks as if I have found a new home. I have no worries of being caught, because as I’ve said before; I leave the scene with no fingerprints left behind. Bobbie indeed led me to Denise and that was the only thing the bitch was good for. The first task I must accomplish is teaching Ms. Washington how to keep her nose out of places it doesn’t belong. She’s too pretty to be on my bad side.

Welcome Back Jamaica

I seem to be going through a situation that has always bothered me when it occurred in the past. You know how you meet someone and you give things a try and it just doesn’t work out? Then you and that person grow apart, but later down the line you start to converse again. You quickly realize that you both have grown in certain areas during that time apart. The feelings start to ignite again, but the only problem is that the other person is in a relationship with someone else. You know that perhaps the way you were before pushed them right into the arms of another lover. It’s a sucky feeling. However you and that person can’t help but to acknowledge the new found chemistry between you, the intense sexual attraction and the mind blowing conversations. You miss them and they miss you. You just can’t do anything about it.

I was reading a few of my blogs from last summer. It was the summer that I met “Jamaica”. I was a hardheaded asshole. Nobody could tell me anything. I despised talks about relationships and love. Then “Jamaica” came along and sat outside my heart’s doors. We talked through those doors for awhile. Then she tried to pry them open. That’s when my defense level went up to an all time high. I was horrible to her. I was a bitch, disrespectful and I didn’t give a damn. She stuck with it though for as long as she could. I hurt her and brought so much frustration to her life. That’s when we drifted apart. Fast forward to last this summer. Here we are; “Jamaica” in a relationship and I just got out of a bogus situation with that lying faceless bitch. Speaking of which, “Jamaica” finds that super hilarious and she says that karma has tapped on my door and drop kicked me in the chest, loll. She could be right, after all the shit I took her thought. So all in all, I suppose I deserved it. Who really is to say? I am just glad that she forgave me for the headaches caused. Even though the past situation was fucked up, it did not hold me down; it opened my eyes more so than anything. It helped me waken those feelings that I thought were dead. If I were to ever that the change with “Jamaica” again, I would do things right this go round.

We’ve already done our dirt, but she’s still with her girl. I have asked her did she feel bad for the sex crimes committed and she said no. Lately I’ve gotten really sentimental with her and I realize that I’m walking on dangerous grounds, because she’s not on the market. She could have a revolution any day and decide never to talk to me again, because of her current situation. Then I’ll be left with hurt feelings. Another knock from Karma? Maybe. I hope that is not the case though. Either way it goes, I ‘m just glad to have her back in my life no matter how long it is. The fact of the matter is that we have come along way since summer ’07 and I’ve come along way period. I just wrote a blog last week about not questioning things when the path is beautiful. It’s not broken and there is nothing to fix. I may not have her in the way that I want her, but perhaps now is not our time. I won’t question that. It’s just good to hear a familiar voice again that brings me great comfort. Welcome back “Jamaica”.

The Truth Comes Out

Yesterday was a hilarious day for me. Like Oh Em Gee!! Despite the fact that work was so busy I wanted to pull my eyelids over my head and run around naked screaming; I found out some amusing information about my phony ex "girlfriend". Now you know, I should be embarrassed that I was played by this fake bitch, but you know what I am laughing so hard that I don't even care. I still and always will come out on top, so that small fact does not phase me at all.

It is no secret that this is a small world, but the GAY world is even smaller. There is no longer six degrees of separation but there is three. It's always said that things done in the dark will sooner or later become exposed to the light. Well the light was shone yesterday BIG TIME! Not only did I find out that whoever this woman or girl is was guilty of the fake picture committee, but she supposedly has four kids, still messing with her ex husband, and is probably about 250lbs. Lmaooooooo!!!!!!!! She lied about EVERYTHING!!! From her car to her family and back to her ex who she claimed she has seen in person. Come to find out, every time her ex did make plans to go see her, purchased tickets and everything; the fake bitch would disappear and pop back on the scene with some dramatic story as to why she was M.I.A. When I say I fell out laughing when this information was planted in my ear; man oh man!!

So my hunch was right all along. Those déjà vu feelings were much too strong. It was only a matter of time before that bitch's cards were pulled. I didn't even have to fully hack this chick, go figure. Now with the information that I was given, and there is a lot more; I'm not even going to air all of this out to the people she has been lying to for years. I'm going to keep this over here, because it would be pointless and vindictive. Now I know she will hit the scene running again and will soon be back to her old game. She will also more than likely contact me again on some stalking shit, but the truth is at my fingertips and I will light fire to that ass if she attempts to step one fake ass toe into my world again.

Well this indeed teaches me a lesson yet again. Obviously I did not learn it the first time. I fell victim to yet another online faceless fake bitch. Laugh it up. Silly me. But you know what? Like I said above, Mica always comes out on top. I do know the dangers in trusting people that I meet online and 99% of the time they are lying about who they are and what they do. If you do engage in internet based relationships, friendships or future meet-ups; please be careful. These people are crazy and are doing anything for attention and some form of "love", because they lack the confidence and love for themselves. When some people's lives suck they try to bring everyone down with them. It sucks being right some times, but I'm glad that my point was proved.

Side note to the fake one whom I know is hanging on to my every word right now - Please get some help. You're going to run across the wrong individual who actually will use your address attached to your IP and come and do harm to you and possibly your children. For some people life is a game, but sometimes it can be ended up by someone else if you do not play fair. So whatever it is that you are not accepting within yourself, get over it. Although I'm highly amused by the truth of it all; I feel sorry for you, because you truly are sick. I'll pray for you.
Related Posts with Thumbnails
A Lover's Hustle | TNB