It Isn't In Me

Affection? Who is that? What is that? I never heard of it! Somebody must've taken that trait from me and made a rest in peace shirt of it! Lol. It is just something I cannot get into if I'm not madly in love with someone. And lets face it, when am I ever madly in love with someone? I understand that people, especially women can tend to be very affectionate, and it sometimes makes me want to run away quick. The testing all day, the having to talk to me on the phone everyday, asking if I miss them. I mean really, when do I have time to miss you if you're hitting me up ALL DAY?! It's sort of a turn on. I dig a woman who poses to be a challenge, and won't make things so easy to grab. I need that mental challenge. Make me earn that affection, because you're damn sure going to have to earn mine, ya dig?

At this time in my life I'm not really sweet on anyone in particular. I've decided to let Jamaica tend to her girlfriend, and eliminated myself as the option in her life. I always have a couple lingering prospects that show interest, but I can't just seem to get into any of them on a significant level. Nothing is being brought to my attention that I have not already seen before. I just see more emotional distress on their behalf and not mine, because I won't be able to deliver to them what they expect me to deliver. Affection being one of those expectations. Maybe right now, I'm just not feeling the whole dating thing. I haven't gone out of my way to search for love in I can't even tell you how long, so that is definitely not being thought of either.

I was talking to someone earlier who was having a bit of trouble expressing herself. All I kept hearing was "I don't' know", and no sure answers to any of my questions. That bothered me, but it also helped me to remember that I was once that way before myself. I've come along way with expressing my feelings, but showing my emotions are another story. I'm still working on that. I just have always believed that people aren't deserving of looking at me from the inside, out. There are some tests that must be passed in order to get to the softer side of me. I don't trust people, and busting myself wide open for someone who may or may not be around even a week from now just isn't in me.

It isn't in me to desire to cuddle up next to someone for extended amounts of time. It isn't in me to want to talk to somebody every minute of my day. It isn't in me to miss anyone at this time. It isn't in me to want to go out of my way to see anyone at this time. It isn't in me to spend any of my time. The last person I had any of this in me for turned out to be a fake ass Puerto Rican mother of 4, who had me believing that she was a fine ass black successful woman; mother of 0. Don't get me wrong, one bad apple didn't spoil the entire orchid for me. I've had a lot of bad apples in my life time thus far, and I still have hope in finding that one apple that will make my love life more bright than it's ever been before. I have HOPE in that, but right now I'm not concerned, thinking or looking for that.

Sometimes, I meet nice people, who are sweet, warm and welcoming, but I just can't find it in myself to match that sweet, warm and welcoming nature that they are giving off. Yes, yes, at the end of the day, at least I can say that I remained who I was, and did not compromise myself for anyone, but sometimes my conscience gets the best of me. I feel that I may be running away some pretty good people here. Maybe I am too tough on some people. That form of love does not work on EVERYBODY. Just because I had to go through it, and became the strong woman that I am, does not mean another person has to go through the same thing to become just as strong. So I sit here and say that certain traits like affection just isn't in me, but maybe I haven't searched deep enough.