Not Again...

I think someone just died inside of my mind. I think the only way to get past this situation that just happened is to pretend that the other party never existed. I have a bad feeling in my gut that is telling me that I've been lied to for the past couple of months. That this person is not who she says she is and that so forth. Too many odd things happen and they happen at convenient moments. Something just doesn't add up. All of a suddent phones are off and I'm blocked every way possible in communication to this woman who just told me she loved me yesterday. The woman who just told me she was still very interested in knowing all about me and wanted to preview my novel; only to have her pull this stunt 20 minutes later with no words being spoken. I hope she is smart and never in her life tries to contact me again. She no longer exsists in my world. She is no longer breathing and her face has been replaced with a blurry smudge.

I've been having these deja vu feelings every since I met her and now they are starting to come into play for real now. I know I'll be up most of the night working my computer skill magic and getting down to the bottom of this before I completely kill her off in my head. Lol, I can't believe this is happening to me again. Lmaoo!!! Let the games begin.

Ten Seconds To Live

So I'm trying to get back on track with my blog schedule. I haven't posted anything on my primary blog in a little over a week. The hurricane really threw everything off for everyone out here in Houston. My power is back on and things are almost back to normal in my neighborhood. I'll have pics and everything from the aftermath of the storm in my primary blog, so check it out later this week.

This Monday is going alright for me so far. Considering the emotional rollercoaster that I've been on. People now know me to be a pretty positive person. I try to remain calm in my spirit and as peaceful in my thinking as I possibly can. I learned quickly in my 24 years on my earth that my life is solely controlled by me. God is fully in my life to help guide me through everything that comes forth my way. Sometimes He will take me through things to learn certain lessons, but at the end of the day; it's me that controls the things in my life. Crazy, dramatic and heart retching things happen to all of us, but it is how we handle such things that determine the outcome of all situations. I realized a couple of years ago that when bad things happen, there is no use in drowning myself in sorrow and blaming the entire world for that bad thing. No need to put poison into other's world because of the current situation that I am living through. I get mad just like everyone else and I handle my anger in my own unique way. I may cry, I may curse, but I quickly get over things, because at some point it becomes detrimental to myself and my future. This depends on how long I choose to hold on to such anger. I can remember getting mad about certain issues and taking weeks to get over them. I'd remain angry with people and kill them off 6 million ways in my head to make myself feel better. This not only effected me and my daily responsibilities, but it effected other people I loved. I was one angry person, loll. I must admit. I was on permanent bitch mode, but that was one of the major changes that I had to make to preserve my life.

"Stuff your eyes with wonder…live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories." - Ray Bradbury, "Fahrenheit 451"

Even with all of the turmoil and stress that life may bring; its still a beautiful thing. I know that I am truly blessed to wake up breathing every day, have the loving family that I do, have the good health that I do, the loving friends that I have, the two jobs that I have and the roof over my head and the clothes on my back. I am thankful beyond words for these things and people. To be angry and negative in my spirit is only showing God that I'm ungrateful for these things and people. He works hard to protect me and make sure that I am alright everyday. So there is no need to be angry at people for small things for extended periods of time. When I have a problem, I know the best escape from that problem is to solve it. It's as simple as that. If I have people in my life that I feel do not appreciate me, take me for granted or take advantage of me. I eliminate those people from my life. No need in hating them and having long drawn out confrontations. Just eliminate the problem all together and keep living life to the fullest. Material things come a dime a dozen and so do friends an lovers. So I will enjoy all good things that come into my life and when that time is up with those things or people; I keep smiling and keep it moving.

Most people don't realize that we have 3 eyes and 4 legs. Sounds weird I know. But our strongest pair of legs are in our own mind and our strongest eye is in our own mind. It's those legs and that eye that help us keep walking as we say our silent prayer to help keep the strength going and our feet moving. I'm very proud to be at this point in my life. I have people 10 and 15 years older than me that haven't reached this point of peace and happiness in their lives. My mental legs are running faster than most people I know, and my mind's eye is seeing clearer and further than most people I know as well. It feels good. Out of all the crap that I've gone through last week; I feel good. Nobody can take this peace away from me. Many have tried to spread their poison into my life, but I refuse to let them. If I feel something or someone bringing my spirits down too far, it's time for me to move around. People are crabs in a barrel and will grab the first person they see moving closer to the top. It's sad, but it's typical for this day in age. So I use the tools that God has equipped for me and I do the work necessary to get myself out of such situations.

Anyway, I'm off my soap box now. I hope that my words have touched the hearts of a few individuals out there and they will begin to let the little stuff go, recognize their worth, and live life to the fullest. You have 10 more seconds to live, are you smiling?

Heart; This One's For You

This week should be interesting for me. A lot of changes have happened over the week of my vacation. This is my first week back for a full work schedule. The end of the month is coming up and the workload will be pretty heavy. But that’s not the only thing that will be heavy. My heart is weighing pretty heavy right now. I've been praying that my current break-up goes smoothly for me and I do not find myself too down and depressed over it. Last night, I felt pretty stupid waiting on a phone call all night from my ex. It's easy to say that I won't and don't expect anything from her, but when you love someone you have faith in them. You trust the fact that they will do their best to make certain changes and not make the same mistakes over and over again. Love is and investment. You are investing your time, energy and emotion into someone in hopes of a pretty sweet deal in the process. It's like a stock market though. That stock that you've but ALL of your funds into goes up and down. When it's up, your smiling and you know you've hit the lottery. When it's down, it feels like shit.

I'm going to have to do some more praying and more focusing to keep my mind off of this whole ordeal. I don’t have time right now to not be able to function throughout my day. My days are much too long for that. I have too many responsibilities throughout my day. It's a bittersweet feeling. More bitter than sweet, because this woman is still heavy on my heart. I miss her and yes, I still want her, but I know what I have to do for myself. I also know that issues going on within her have to be handled without me. I was only there and played the same role as everyone else in her life that just accepted the way that she treated them. Don't get me wrong; I still love this woman, but I just can't take being beat down into the ground again and again and let it go as if it's okay. She doesn't know how to change and until she figures it out and actually goes full force into those changes, we can no longer be. Maybe there is someone out there who is able to handle her the way that she is. That's not me though. In my last blog, I stated that I've come way too far in my womanhood and my own personal changes to be beat back down and pressured into reverting back to my old ways. This is a great loss for me, but I know that time will heal this like it has healed all my other wounds.

Monday, 22 September, 2008

Aquarius (20 Jan - 18 Feb)

You have a fairly objective way of looking ahead and your plans for the next month may be based more on cool logic than on your emotional desires. You should be able to set your personal wishes aside for a while as you quietly focus on your commitments at work. Taking care of business is second nature to you these days, so accomplish as much as you can while you have the time and energy.

So my cool logic is now the director of my life's film again. For the past 2 months I've let my emotions direct my actions and my thoughts. It felt good for awhile, but when the heart is wounded; its not a good idea to let the emotions keep taking control. That’s when emotional suicide is committed. I have to be smart about this and give my heart the time it needs to heal. So focusing on work and other things that need to be taken care of in my personal life will keep my best interest at heart.

I was talking with my ex yesterday and we spoke about moving on to other "love interest" and I'm just not interested in doing so. There was a time back in the day that during this situation; I would have just gone off and slept with a couple people to ease my pain and replenish my soul in some sick way. I had that male mentality and dating a few women at one time would make all of my heartaches feel better. I stopped doing that though. In fact, right before I met my ex, I was not dating anyone and I was seriously taking time out by myself. I wasn't looking for love and I wasn't interested in dating anyone. This is how I feel right now. As sexually frustrated as I am right now, I don’t plan on hopping in the bed with anyone, because I know I would just be using that person. Those days are over. Long gone. So I'll beat these desires in other ways. I'll need a wish and a prayer though, loll.

I've been thinking about this way too much. I just have to throw this one up in the hands of the Lord like I do all of my uncontrollable issues. I'll let Him handle this one. I've prayed that he keeps me focused on my work and all other non emotional things in my life. I'm going to hop to it now. My leaf has turned over completely now and I'm only doing this for my heart. I made a promise to it a long time ago, and I'm holding true to that promise.

Up Waiting....Again

I can't believe I'm up right now. I'm going to so pissed in 3 hours when I have to be up for work. I just feel really stupid staying up all of this time waiting for my ex to call me back like she said she would. I always do this. Expect people to do things that they say they are going to do. That has always been a very big issue for me. I know better than anybody that this just leads to great disappointments. Now I'm upset and can't sleep. I know this is really silly of me to expect this from an ex, because she surely isn't obligated to me anymore. I mean she did stuff like this when we were together. *Sigh* I will learn one day.

This next portion may be a little bit too much information for most people, but I don't care. This is my blog and I'm going to write whatever I want to. Another reason why I'm up is because I'm extremely sexually backed up. This is another thing that I was expecting tonight, and is yet another disappointment. I've been really good since July and haven't done anything at all. I'm a very sexual person and the feelings are controlled solely through mental stimulation. I've stressed this to my ex so many times and it just didn't seem to happen. Everyone is different and when it comes to sex I am very picky with it. It's always easy to lay someone the very first time, because its a total mental game. That is when you're getting into the mind of someone for the very first time. The mental foreplay is out of this world, if that person is capable of holding some sort of intellectual conversation. However, after that first time for me; the mental stimulation bar is raised. Something else has to be done or said for me to keep coming back for more. Sometimes, people get mentally lazy though and just expect the sex to come naturally. Not with me. You have to keep stimulating my mind and stroking that sexual ego, or it's a dud for me. I guess this is why my list is so long. I'm not proud of that, but that is a department I get very bored with very fast if my needs are not met mentally. Another one of my life's catch 22's.

So here I am up, mentally and sexually frustrated. Sleep has lost this battle. I have alot of thinking to do and a few decisions to make now. I won't go into such details in this blog, but will wait until I make those decisions and lay them out thereafter. This is something that I cannot do anymore. Wait up for someone else, no matter who it is. Its been made official that people will do what they want to do when they want to do at their own convenience. Being considerate and doing the right thing in my eyes is something that is often looked over by most people I deal with. Oh well, such is life right? A major event that is full of disappointments, trial and error. Well I'm going back to try and find the light in the darkness of my room. Goodmorning.

My Heart Is Still Smiling

You know how sometimes you set out to accomplish a task and you put your all into it, and it just doesn’t work out? Well that’s what I’ve been doing all of this time since the last time that I wrote a blog here. I was taking on a task and a major responsibility in trust, love, honesty and loyalty. However this task could have only been accomplished with the help of two people. I set mini goals for myself in learning to accept, be patient and forgive. I succeeded at those goals too. I’m proud of myself and the friends who know me best have noticed the changes that I’ve mad as well. I didn’t only make these changes for me, but in the name of love for my girlfriend.

In every relationship you need that 50/50 responsibility. But we all know that the rarity in actually getting such a request honored. It’s usually one mate that is going the extra mile to preserve the relationship and taking the extra steps in communication and bowing out in grace to keep the peace. This is all great, until that mate gets tired. They realize that their kindness is being taken for weakness and that their love is being taken advantage of. It’s not fair and it hurts. I was honest and true to my lover. I didn’t cheat, I didn’t lie and I would have done anything for her. Because of her own issues; she accused me of cheating and lying and being a bad person. I was disrespected constantly and just yesterday I was called out of my name so many times and all of those insults and dirty slurs were coming out of the mouth of the woman who claimed she loved me. Did I retort back with insults? No. That’s not how I operate. When I say I love someone, I mean it and I still love her, even after all of the damage that she’s done to herself. She lost a good woman. I know that I can’t believe anything that she’s told me in the name of love in the past, because they were all lies. She is a liar and the real cheat. I forgive her though. I forgive her a million times over and I hope that the demons within her are knocked off, because she deserves so much more than what she’s giving herself. I just know that for me, I had to get out of that relationship, because it was not fair to me. I didn’t come this far in my womanhood to be mistreated and stepped over. I did the right thing and I am proud of remaining who I am after the smoke has cleared. However, when your heart is pure and your intentions are good and they are still being looked over, sometimes you just have to let it go. That’s what I had to do. I had to let everything go for the last time.

Do I think I’m stupid for giving so many chances and turning the cheek so many times? No. I don’t regret any of my choices one bit. I’m happy that all of this happened, and I think that it is the only reason why I’m not so heartbroken. Before I met her, I took a lot of time to condition my heart. I took that REAL ME TIME that everyone should take after a major heartache. I built myself up and equipped myself for the next round in the ring of love. I knew there was a possibility that I would be punched, kicked, bit and spat on, but my armor guarded me from all of that. I wasn’t completely untouchable, because I dropped more than a few tears in pain, but I’m human. I am happy, because I know now that I am still capable in being in a committed relationship with someone and actually being a good girlfriend. At one point in my life, I lost all hope in love and being in love. I never wanted to know the feeling again. I wanted to be by myself for the rest of my life. But after meeting this woman; I saw that love still resided within me. And after this woman, it still resides within me. Now that I’ve gone through another one of life’s lessons, I am much more ready for woman that is truly meant to be in my life. Sometimes we have to go through things and use situations and people as stepping stones to get to our real treasure.

I realize how awful I was to some of the ladies in my past and I have gone to a couple of them and apologized for my actions. You know what though? They forgave me a long time ago and they still love me. I was able to teach them lessons in life and they are a better person because of me. It’s a bitter sweet situation. They have recognized the changes in me and are proud of me as well. My journey in love is not over. I have a little more conditioning to do before I make my next stop and that’s what I plan to do. Maybe the few women that I’ve been ignoring all of this time for the likes of my ex can have a chance now. It’s funny how everyone sees how someone may not be good for you, but you’re totally blinded by the illusion of love and you don’t see it yourself. I see it now and thank GOD I came out of this one with an intact heart and in good spirits.