My Heart Is Still Smiling

You know how sometimes you set out to accomplish a task and you put your all into it, and it just doesn’t work out? Well that’s what I’ve been doing all of this time since the last time that I wrote a blog here. I was taking on a task and a major responsibility in trust, love, honesty and loyalty. However this task could have only been accomplished with the help of two people. I set mini goals for myself in learning to accept, be patient and forgive. I succeeded at those goals too. I’m proud of myself and the friends who know me best have noticed the changes that I’ve mad as well. I didn’t only make these changes for me, but in the name of love for my girlfriend.

In every relationship you need that 50/50 responsibility. But we all know that the rarity in actually getting such a request honored. It’s usually one mate that is going the extra mile to preserve the relationship and taking the extra steps in communication and bowing out in grace to keep the peace. This is all great, until that mate gets tired. They realize that their kindness is being taken for weakness and that their love is being taken advantage of. It’s not fair and it hurts. I was honest and true to my lover. I didn’t cheat, I didn’t lie and I would have done anything for her. Because of her own issues; she accused me of cheating and lying and being a bad person. I was disrespected constantly and just yesterday I was called out of my name so many times and all of those insults and dirty slurs were coming out of the mouth of the woman who claimed she loved me. Did I retort back with insults? No. That’s not how I operate. When I say I love someone, I mean it and I still love her, even after all of the damage that she’s done to herself. She lost a good woman. I know that I can’t believe anything that she’s told me in the name of love in the past, because they were all lies. She is a liar and the real cheat. I forgive her though. I forgive her a million times over and I hope that the demons within her are knocked off, because she deserves so much more than what she’s giving herself. I just know that for me, I had to get out of that relationship, because it was not fair to me. I didn’t come this far in my womanhood to be mistreated and stepped over. I did the right thing and I am proud of remaining who I am after the smoke has cleared. However, when your heart is pure and your intentions are good and they are still being looked over, sometimes you just have to let it go. That’s what I had to do. I had to let everything go for the last time.

Do I think I’m stupid for giving so many chances and turning the cheek so many times? No. I don’t regret any of my choices one bit. I’m happy that all of this happened, and I think that it is the only reason why I’m not so heartbroken. Before I met her, I took a lot of time to condition my heart. I took that REAL ME TIME that everyone should take after a major heartache. I built myself up and equipped myself for the next round in the ring of love. I knew there was a possibility that I would be punched, kicked, bit and spat on, but my armor guarded me from all of that. I wasn’t completely untouchable, because I dropped more than a few tears in pain, but I’m human. I am happy, because I know now that I am still capable in being in a committed relationship with someone and actually being a good girlfriend. At one point in my life, I lost all hope in love and being in love. I never wanted to know the feeling again. I wanted to be by myself for the rest of my life. But after meeting this woman; I saw that love still resided within me. And after this woman, it still resides within me. Now that I’ve gone through another one of life’s lessons, I am much more ready for woman that is truly meant to be in my life. Sometimes we have to go through things and use situations and people as stepping stones to get to our real treasure.

I realize how awful I was to some of the ladies in my past and I have gone to a couple of them and apologized for my actions. You know what though? They forgave me a long time ago and they still love me. I was able to teach them lessons in life and they are a better person because of me. It’s a bitter sweet situation. They have recognized the changes in me and are proud of me as well. My journey in love is not over. I have a little more conditioning to do before I make my next stop and that’s what I plan to do. Maybe the few women that I’ve been ignoring all of this time for the likes of my ex can have a chance now. It’s funny how everyone sees how someone may not be good for you, but you’re totally blinded by the illusion of love and you don’t see it yourself. I see it now and thank GOD I came out of this one with an intact heart and in good spirits.