Acquiescence

Waving the white flag

surrendering to my thoughts

In complete submission to you

A victory you win over and over again

I wish you’d collect your prize already

And leave

But I surrender

Distance has no space

Time has no tick

Submerged in numbing tranquility

A silence so piercing

totally blinding the mind’s eye

I wish you’d feel this pain I feel

And leave

But I surrender

Fill my mind with your ever being

Overflow my eyes with your beauty

Replay every memory shared with you

Over and over

Again and again

Fill me up with the lies

Because you know the truth kills me

Please don’t leave

I surrender

This white flag I wave

Stained with the blood of my heart

All I have are these memories

Living vicariously through these fantasies

I surrender to every thought of you

Painfully indulged in silent … acquiescence

Copyright © 2011 T. Nicole

The Explanation

I’ve been trying to find a way to start this blog again, and keep it going. I’ve seemed to have lost the momentum in my passion. Life has been a bit of a struggle; not only in love, but in many aspects of my life. I thought I lost my muse. I thought I lost my will. I thought I lost my ambition. I thought I lost my drive. I even thought I lost my faith. I forgot about my dreams. I forgot about my future. I ignored my present, and I’ve been stumbling over the skeletons of my past. I’ve been out here hustling. On a diehard hustle for love. I’ve been chasing love all of this time. I’ve been handing my heart over to strangers, and holding them responsible for the great loss of myself. Looking for love in all the wrong places. Isn’t that what they say? Well, I’ve been in the wrong place, on the wrong day, and at the wrong time.

The pieces of me are scattered about my past. On the different coordinates of the map. On the routes I chose to take in love. With every tear, every sleepless night, every ache, and every pain; I lost a little piece of me. I went against everything I believed in. The core values of the woman that I am still resides inside of me, and I’ve been trying so hard to redeem myself. The year is rounding near it’s end, and I have a goal to meet. I’ve peeled back every layer of myself, and I feel so vulnerable and exposed to the world. I feel like when people look at me; they see every flaw, blemish and bruise. They see all my pain and they can smell my weaknesses from afar. There has been a fear set in me, and it’s caused me to just….stop. I’ve been so caught up in the superficial thrills of “love” diluted and polluted with illusion and lust. Constantly drowning in the shallow waters on a lonely beach.

I’ve lost my damn mind…

There’s no one else to blame, but me. I’ve been existing in a reality below my potential. My standards have been tremendously lowered, and intertwined within the excuse of comfortableness. I’ve been settling for less. Taking any old thing from any old body. Life has just been…blah. Chasing love gave me a bit of a challenge; or so I thought, but in reality I just ended up putting too much focus in the wrong people. All I did was end up hurting myself, and ended up losing more of myself every time. My mind has been nothing less than idle. I’ve had very little mental stimulation, and my thoughts have become chaotic. The outcome; I’m  an emotional wreck. On the contrary, there is a different me on the other side of this mountain, and I’m anxious to see the woman in the mirror beyond the alps. This reckless journey was not traveled in vain. All that I thought was lost and forgotten, still exists. Oh and my muse? It still resides everywhere around. It seeps from the positive energy and light brought forth from my friends and family. It exists behind the melody, within the lyrics; soulfully bouncing throughout the music . My muse still resides in….ME.

I’ll never stop hustling in life and love. My perception is a bit more clear now, but I’ll remain in solitude until I can shake off this last bit of debris from my garments. No regrets, because we all need a little bit of dirt to grow. Now, I choose to travel forth with no rear views. I respect and accept all that is my past. It helped mold and shape me into who I am. My value is greater than it’s ever been. However, I refuse to look back on anything and anyone NOT looking back at me. What’s done is done, and it’s all been charged to the game of life and love. 

Lonely Love

Love is or it ain't. Thin love ain't love at all. - Toni Morrison

Somebody asked me the other day if I've ever had the feeling of being in love alone. Unfortunately my answer was yes. The feeling is almost indescribable. It brings about a pain so great when faced with the reality of it all. Being lonely in love is very common in a lot of relationships. One of the partner's feelings reaches a specific destination before the others. It can be a very frustrating and challenging experience. It will take a lot of patience to get through, if able. Sometimes the other partner's feelings never arrive to that destination. Love is apart of life, and it's all a gamble. You just never know what you're getting into. You never know what you'll get out of it if anything at all.

Lately, I've been on an emotional roller coaster with love. My feelings are wanting to rum at rapid speeds to this destination unknown, but I know I'll be leaving behind those feelings of another. All was laid out on the table what was ready to be faced and what wasn't. Two souls on different pages, however we face the same direction. Only one of us might get there before the other if such feelings aren't slowed down. I truly don't want to experience the feeling of being in love alone again. For once, I want to see eye to eye with my partner, and head down our destined path together in love.

Year's End:Year's Beginning - New Directon for Love

Here we are, another year has ended, and another year has begun. This past year in love has been very disappointing for me. More illusions, more impostors, and more parodies of the real thing. In which, I haven't got a chance to experience again. Although, I didn't get where I wanted to get in love this past year; it wasn't a complete failure. I learned a lot. Many lessons came about from what was and what could've been. I lost a lot of time, money and energy on some very unworthy and ungrateful people. These facts I cannot change, and if anything, they taught me not to settle for less. I lowered my standards something serious last year. Not just in love, but in many situations in my life. I refuse to do that this year. This will require me leaving things and people in the dust. I'm still facing reality, but I'm facing it with a different mindset. No longer am I facing it in fear.

This year I plan to take love in a totally different direction. It's love for myself above all else. I'm one who has been known to get lost in love. Distracted in love. I've been known to be no good in love. I lose all sense of what's REAL. I vowed to never do that again after my last relationship. I've chosen not to rush this love thing. I'm in a situation right now; where I feel like I can't get what I want. This is only God's way of telling me that I don't NEED it right now. I hear Him loud and clear. I've decided to redirect my focus. I have so many things I want to accomplish in life. I can't put them on hold for love anymore. I've been worrying about the wrong things and the wrong people for quite some time now. Some might consider my new direction as being somewhat of a silent ultimatum, and that's okay. I'm making major choices for myself this year, and it's going to be up to those around me if they want to be in my life or not. I'm honestly not letting that be a concern of mine anymore. People come and they go, and those who choose to go; were never meant to be here longer than the amount of time they were anyway.

The wheels are set in motion. I have to make a difference this year. I want that ever lasting feeling. I want to stand tall on solid grounds. I want to strengthen the roots holding up my tree of life. I want to branch out. I want to learn more and more as the seasons change around me. No more talking.....just time to get the ball rolling. Oh and if you love me like you say you so; make sure you don't let me roll right pass you.

Stand Firm...

Are you proud of your footprints in life? Your choices may not have been too smart, but are you proud of what you’ve walked through, over or around? Are you living life with no regrets? Has where you’ve been truly brought you to where you’re at currently? That last question to be taken in the most positive sense if you will. I personally can answer YES to all of these questions. The storm, the rain, the hurt, and the pain were only boulders pushing out all weakness that resided within me. The foundation laid down after everything was said done is stronger than ever! I have grown so much this year, and I’ve come along way as a woman. I’m happy to say that I’m proud of who I am.

Be as firm as you can about what you want when it comes to love. Your outlook is a work in progress -- rapid progress, for now -- so it's vital that you keep your core values front and center. - Shine

I’m a woman who definitely believes in compromise (now, loll), and it took some time and some hard falls in love to reach this point. However, when it comes to two individuals naturally walking different paths in life; at what point does such compromise alter who you are? Those core values are everything you stand for. They help map out the DNA in from which you are designed. Is it okay for you to “sit down” for love? Honestly, what good comes out of making it so far in your personal life to forget why you stand so tall today? Love is powerful. It moves and changes people for good and for bad. I believe when you’re trying to “fit” in love with another individual there is some molding that’s involved to sculpt you into that perfect piece of art in the eyes of the other person. Honestly speaking, I love my art just the way it is. This may be coming from the sprinkled about bitter debris, but I’ve lost sight of who I was for the likes of love (or lack thereof) one too many times.

I’ve changed completely for love, because I felt like such changes would keep the other person IN love. I’ve zipped my mouth shut, I’ve taken blame in falsely accused situations, I’ve lowered my caliber of thinking, I’ve shallowed the depths of my thoughts, I’ve re-arranged my life’s plans, I’ve ignored my family, I’ve ignored my friends, I’ve ignored my conscience, I’ve even altered my faith for failed attempts at love in my past. All of which took me not to be proud of then, to be proud of who I am today. So excuse me if I want to bask in the ambiance of a little success, happiness, confidence, and peace of mind. At my lowest points; I never thought I’d make it to take my next breath, let alone THIS stage in my womanhood.

You can't break your neck to satisfy everybody, because everybody damn sure ain't doing it for you! To live & love is worth a lot, but to live, love AND stay true to who you are is priceless! - T. Nicole

So without assumption, over analyzing, and/or technicality; simply put, I love me and who I’ve become. I know for a fact that it will take a woman on this same caliber of love for herself to accept who I am one hundred percent. I’ll wait…

Impressions

You know how to give the benefit of the doubt, but you also need to view people realistically. Don't forget how important first impressions can be -- you need to pay attention to your feelings. - Shine (Love & Relationships)

 

It's said that they mean everything. The beginning stage of a single memory is an impression. Without impressions there would be nothing to be intrigued by. Life would have no mystery. Life would be a exactly what it is; with no questions asked. Bottom line; life would be rather dull to say the least. Words that come out of an individuals mouth can be very powerful. They can be life altering. They can take your gray skies, and turn them blue again. Those words can be the greatest of truths, but they can also be the boldest of lies.

Depending on the importance of the encounter; we usually put on our best behavior for the occasion. It's like wearing your best Sunday clothes on a Tuesday; it means THAT much at THAT moment. That first moment. Our ears and minds are erect; standing at attention. We don't want to miss a beat. It's an adrenaline rush, and you want everything you say to be heard; whether it be the truth or a lie. Whatever is cleaver huh? In fact, if you can get past this first impression; some part of you has won the other person over either way.

Realistically speaking, a person's words to impress, are just words. That person may very well be capable of putting those exact words into action. That person could also have every intention of putting those words into action. Expectations often times lead to disappointment. So to expect every word to be true might be fault on your behalf. Giving the benefit of the doubt is beautiful, because everyone is different. However, humans are humans. I can't begin to name all of the wonderful first impressions that I've had that turned out to be nothing than I could ever imagine. The most simple recipe for any encounter; EXPECT NOTHING!

Between every lie are traces of the truth. Listen closely and watch carefully. Listen to your first mind; no matter how fast and how loud your heart might be beating. For when that beat begins to even out, and that sound isn't so loud; you might be left with the shattering sounds of reality. “Human kind cannot bear very much reality.” – T.S. Eliot; Four Quartets, Burnt Norton. So just like the first time you took your first hit, swallow, or sniff of any type of controlling substance; that unnatural high can lead you down a very deceiving and destructive path.

Stay true to yourself above all else. Make sure you're ready for what you choose to face. Make sure you're willing to accept everything you ask for. If you selflessly claim to love another individual, show them through constant action rather than your words. What you tell them on day 1 honestly doesn't matter on day 999, because if it's true; whatever they asked you on the first day; they'll proudly say again on 999th day. The greatest impressions are followed by consistency. By all means, impress me. Approach me with your best, because you better believe I'm standing before you doing the same. Just remember, you can only stretch a lie so far. The truth is everlasting.

**Only a matter of time before the meaning to what was lost is revealed. Hence the word everlasting; so technically what was stepped over will still be there when that time comes.**

Stage Play

It's 5am, and I'm up listening to Donny; smoking. It's been a pretty lonely weekend. This might be a self pitty party I'm throwing over here, but I just haven't wanted to be bothered lately. I feel like my smiles have been a bit fake, and I refuse to take anyone on my usual "rebound journey". That always ends up biting me in the ass. The whole "don't chase em'; replace em'" attitude. It's the most easiest way to get over a heartache of any kind. Validation is the key right? Because, that's what you lose sight of when your heart is broken. Your value. Your worth. Your reason for being.

It's crazy just how fast you can lose sight of these things too. The heart can be very deceiving when it battles with the mind. Each day gets better. My slowly nursing myself back to my usual nonchalant self. Me and love have been through some battles man! Love has been like a stage play for me. I'll audition for the best leading lady for the role, and you better believe she knocked me dead in her audition. The play will be a hit for the first couple of months (if it lasts that long), but then the actress starts to show her true character. Her acting skills vanished. Not too soon after that; the curtains close. Then I'm back to auditioning for another leading lady for yet another stage play.

These leading ladies were merely playing their role. Maybe it's me that flips the script though. I've played with love alot in my past. I've turned my back on it. I've said it in vain. I've taken it for granted. I've misused and abused it. I've taken it to the top of the charts, and body slammed it back down to the bottom. The older I get; the more I yearn for the real thing. No stage play. No actresses. No props. No audience. No curtains. I don't want some 1 to 4 month fling. I want to put in some real time with a real and genuine person. I'm content with my life right now. It's been quite some time since I've been able to actually say that. I still have this void. A void love has busted wide open! The past couple of relationships these voids were still there even when love was in the picture. Or something I thought was love.

Recently, I've got to experience a type of love that finally filled that forever growing void. My whole world was turned upside down with this love. It was the happiest I had ever been, and that love came into my life like a thief in the night. Robbed me for my heart. Gave me everything I desired. Told me everything I wanted to hear. Wasn't afraid to tell me what I didn't want to hear. Loved me for me, and simply because; I loved it. Turned my house into a home. Shared my space. Invaded my mind, body and soul. Then...it left quicker than it came. Left me with this stranger. This empty being. This faceless soul. Pages of the script blowing in the whirlwind around us. Another actress. Another stage play. Another audience. Curtains close.

I can't blame anybody for that though. Especially not the stranger. She was just playing her role. Now here I am with this battle. Accepting the fact that the curtains are closed. The leading lady is gone. More than likely; on to another play. On a different tour. With a new writer. A new script. Or maybe it's the same old script. Either way; she played the hell out of her part. Standing ovation. Never did I once want those curtains to close. Never did I ever once want to wake out of the dream I was living in. Never did I once thing the feeling would fade this time. Not on my part, and I'm proud to say; it didn't. But I quickly found out; I wasn't directing this one. What I felt honestly meant nothing this time around. It's like someone poured hot coffee all over the script and the ink bled from the pages. Blank. Empty. Unfulfilled. There goes that void again.

She started reading from a different script on me though. I didn't have a copy of this one. I was still stuck on the old script. I knew it by heart. Everything in her script went against everything in my heart. She was no longer reading from her heart. I honestly don't know if she ever was. Perhaps that's why it was so easy for her to forget. So easy for her to get her hands on another script. Imagine how frustrating that is. Lots of people have been in situations like this. They happen all of the time. The one reading from the heart usually is the only one that gets knocked down emotionally. The one who loses sight of his/her value, worth, and reason for being.

So here I am. 6am. Can't sleep; thinking about my last leading lady. I'm still stuck in the whirlwind. Pages of the empty script flying all around me. I'm here alone. Same script etched in my heart. I've grown tired of forcing my heart back into the strangers hands. The bottom line; she shares the same stage as I, but she's reading from a different scripts. All I have is whats in my heart.

Love On A One-Way Street

What is love without compromise? What is love without communication? What is love without some sort of understanding? What is love without patience? What is love without trust? Clearly, love isn't SHIT without all of these ingredients. It becomes frustrating, heartbreaking and downright stressful. Feels as if you're going down that one-way the WRONG way!

I'm going to save the rest of my thoughts and feelings for my private blog!

Wanna Be Loved

Jill Scott "Wanna Be Loved"

Don't feel no pity for me

Cause I'm going through a couple things,

Life means change,

That's the way it goes,goes

All my life I had a constant burning

A strong deep,desire

An aching ambiguous,yearning,yearning,

yearning

For something better

For something bigger

For something wider

For something higher

And lots of regrets

Cause I ain't seem to found it yet

I've been searching around the world

Never knowing what to expect

I get sad sometimes

Yes I be mad sometimes

Cause I'm out here on the grind

Making mine

And I still can't seem to find

What I've been looking for

Opened so many doors

For real,yo

I just wanna be loved...

[Chorus:]

I just wanna be loved

Like everybody else does

I just wanna be loved

Like many people; I love me some Jill Scott. This song has been hitting home for quite some time now. I'm a content place in my life right now. There are many things I still need to work on, but I'm content. My work will never be done in life. I'll always have something to work on, but I'm finally content with who I am, and where I am in life. I have this deep, deep yearning for love. It's screwing with my heart, because it keeps coming so close I can actually feel it. Then...it slips away.

I want an unconditional and 50/50 type of love. I want to spend my time with someone. I want to spend my nights talking to someone. I want to spend my entire weekends with someone. I want to go places, travel and see new things. I want to go out and be social with my mate. I want to cuddle at home, and spend lazy Sunday's watching movies. I don't want any unnecessary drama. I want to be listened to. I want to be understood. I want to be appreciated for all of my efforts in trying to keep the love alive. I want to be loved. REAL LOVE! I want it to last...

In The Blink of an Eye

I blinked and there you were

standing right before me

with a smile upside down

a heart pieced together

a spirit as light as a feather

a beauty in my eyes

a treasure in my mind

I blinked and there you were

a dream it had to be

with a smile bright as the sun

a heart with all voids filled

a spirit that could change a life

my life

a beauty in my eyes

a treasure in my mind

I blinked and there you were

a lie it had to be

with a frown so ugly

a heart so cold

a spirit so evil it damage a soul

my soul

still a beauty in my eyes

a treasure lost in my mind

I blinked and there you went

an illusion it was

my smile now upside down

my heart left in pieces

a spirit gone in a downward spiral

a fool in my own eyes

a treasure stolen from my own mind

Take Your Time

To understand another human takes exceptional skills in listening and patience. It also takes a very broad mind to do so as well. Forgetting everything that you may know, and absorbing what makes that other person tick. Becoming a pupil in one's class of life; learning the DNA, the paths (good and bad), the loves, the hates, and the genetic traits. A person's background; mental, physical and spiritual is an eye opener to their current being. All things intriguing nonetheless.

"You need to understand this new hottie before committing to anything more than 'hello.' Make the effort, no matter what, even though you may discover quite a few odd or off-putting surprises." - Yahoo's Shine

Taking the much needed time, and slowing down long enough to actually DATE someone is hard now days. The earth seems to be spinning at rapid speeds, and our hearts can't seem to keep up with our minds. Time is still the most important factor in love. It takes time to birth it. It takes time to build it. It takes time to maintain it. It takes time to ruin it, and it takes time to heal it. Losing your mind in an illusion of love is easy to do. Trust me, I know. However, my daddy always told me to check the car facts! That shinny new coat doesn't reveal where that band spankin' new car came from. What roads did it take to reach it's current destination? Better yet, how much baggage is in the trunk? Am I prepared to take over the responsibilities of keeping up the maintenance of this car? Did the previous owner take good care of it? How much money would I have to put into keeping this used car running? Play close attention to the front details, and what might be possibly laying beneath them.

"Baby slow down just take your time. You and me gon' be here for awhile, okay." - Mos Def "The Panties"

You Gotta Put Me On

You add someone new and interesting to your network today -- don't miss the synergy between work and social matters! Even if they're not exactly your type, they almost certainly know someone who is. - Shine

I've said it many times before, but your network can take you a long way in any aspect in your life. Spiritually, financially and even romantically. Gaining and maintaining healthy friendships can be very worth your while. Meeting someone new of the same or opposite sex (whatever your preference) does not mean you have to pursue them romantically. It merely can just be a new workout buddy, shopping buddy, party buddy, ect. This person may be your gateway to that lover you've been searching for.

"Everybody know somebody, that know somebody, that know somethin' bout em'" - Trick Daddy

The longer you live, the smaller the world seems. Everyone knows a someone, and the way things work, and have worked for a long time; you have to go through certain people to get where fate destines you to be. We all play the role of a stepping stone in life. We help guide people we know, and even ones we don't know to the places they need to go, to the people they need to see, and help form them into the people they feel they need to be.

Another One Bites The Dust

I'm truly embarrassed to post this blog, because my track record is getting quite lengthy when it comes to failed relationships. I took yet another chance on love, and it slapped me in the face. I can't say it really hurt this time though. Either I've grown immune to loss of love, or this go round was really in truly a complete act of God and my advancement in life period.

I wondered what the outcome would be in a Aquarius Vs. Aquarius relationship. Operation -#EPICFAIL! I had hope in the longevity of the relationship despite the constant differences and belief systems. I feel like when there are two adults involved; anything can be worked out. However, if only one of you finds worth in the work, then it really doesn't matter how hard you try. It's funny how quickly things change. I was no longer a priority in the end. All ties of communication were lost, and all of my calls seemed to go ignored. Blame it on what? Our hectic schedules and demanding jobs? I'm a strong believer in that fact, that people make time for what they truly want to. Love in the eighties with this one wasn't all I cracked it up to be.

Most of our obstacles would melt away if, instead of cowering before them, we should make up our minds to walk boldly through them.

- Orison Swett Marden

Obstacles can't be walked through alone. It's a sad situation when one mate gives up. That leaves all responsibility in carrying the relationship on the other mate. Its then that it becomes unfair. This is where the communication should come into play. If one grows weary, then it should be voiced. If one feels like they can't go on, then it should be voiced. No need to start with the lies, no need to avoid your lover, and no need to bury yourself in invisible work. Operation - keep it real should've been in full effect! Instead we started to play a game of hide and go seek. I couldn't find my love anymore. She turned off all the lights in her heart, and left me in the dark. I was left guessing, wishing and hoping that the opportunity would come back around to rekindle our flame. The sad fact is, the relationship was over way before I decided to hand back my keys.

Facing the situation like a real woman would've been respected and appreciated. Instead the hiding continued. Instead of the president facing the press, the secretary of defense stepped in and looked me in the eye. How cowardly is that? I still haven't spoken to the president to this day, and that's a damn shame. But when guilt and shame take over face value; I can see why hiding would be a better option. I'm a complete asshole. I'm detached. I show little or no emotion at times. I'm unaffectionate 80% of the time. I'm blunt and I tend not to spare feelings. I'm arrogant. I'm a loner. I'm spoiled rotten. This is just to name a few of my flaws. I'm an extremely hard person to learn, and an even harder person to deal with. However, I was everything that I said I was from the very beginning. All of my cards were laid out on the table face up. There were no secrets and no masks, but yet again; I couldn't say that about my mate.

I pray for her though, and her well being. I'm ignoring the rumors about the things were conveniently not shared with while in the relationship. I've never been one to take the word of another who isn't involved in the situation anyway. I've thrown it all in God's hands with all my other problems. I'm not equipped to deal with the weak-hearted, and one who can't face their own issues. So I got to move on. "Don't let anyone validate your happiness" are words that definitely need to be practiced by the one preaching it. Trust and believe I am one tough act to follow, and my presence will be one that will be desired for the rest of your life. I was built to change the life of every person that I embrace. My voice is not one that carries, and not one that is always heard. It's my silence that that bounces off the walls, and it's my words that linger. I wonder if she can hear me now? Too bad she couldn't be there to hear my say goodbye.

P.S. - I promise I'm not gassing up the next one until she ultimately proves herself dammit! Having a handful of failed relationships is NOT a good look. My sis always told me "Tamica, you sureee know how to pick em'!" and she ain't lying!

Pushing The Pride Aside

Like a newborn fresh out the womb
its your nourishment I need to consume
in mass quantities
a food for the soul that lasts forever
you're my teacher
and its your knowledge I treasure
In your opinions I hold utmost respect
to voice such I tend to neglect
a lifetime difficulty to overcome I have tried
many tears of frustration I have cried
what seems to be the hardest thing to do
is push my pride aside



Daily Couples: Brought to you from Yahoo!


You don't usually stress too much about getting ahead in the world, but you may be feeling those concerns now. Reassurance is there in the form of your sweetie, but they won't know you need it unless you ask.

My pride has always been a very big issue for me. It's hard to bend a person like me. I'm very stubborn and stuck in my ways like none other. It's in my genetic pool. From my great parents to my grand parents, and on to my parents. Puffed up with pride. We have to do everything by ourselves and in our way. Pride is an honorable trait to obtain, but to have too much of it can be a bad thing. You start to hurt those around you to protect your own ego.


Sometimes we forget that the people in our corner need our help in order to help us. We automatically expect them to know what's going on inside of us, and this is not fair to them. They only can support so much going off what we have communicated to them. When big changes come around in life; brining on extra stress, we sometimes lash out on the people who are closest to us. They only thing they are guilty of is trying to help as much as they can. If they don't say or do what we EXPECT them to do; we take major offense to it. Stopping and thinking about the situation; did you really voice what you needed from them? Or did you think they could read what's on the inside of you and automatically save your day? I am OH SO GUILTY of this.

Putting your pride aside, and asking your mate for help when needed is not a bad thing. It's a very good thing. It also shows your mate that you respect and trust them. To feel needed in a loving relationship is a very good feeling. This is one publish where I have to seriously practice what I preach. Ha! Just ask my mate!

Breaking Through The Plateau

Keeping a relationship brand new can be a bit of a task. Especially when you reach certain plateaus that seem a bit frustrating to push through. The main thing to focus on when facing such trials is to remember the love that started it all. Reminisce on the courting phase. Whether it was 3 months ago, 3 years ago, or 3 decades ago. It's that beginning phase that elevated you as a couple to those natural highs. You couldn't get enough of one another. Everything spoken and acted were intriguing.

Daily Couples: Brought to you from Yahoo!


Trying something brand new to both of you fosters trust and deepens your bond. Cook up a project or attempt a new sport or game -- if it makes you feel silly, it'll be even more fun (and memorable!).

When a relationship reaches a plateau; it can be both good and bad. If you are a couple that seems to have nothing but drama popping off, then reaching some level of stability is a great recommended goal. However, if you're a couple that has been stable since day one; it becomes a bit redundant and boring. You've reached a phase where neither the mental nor the physical development is increasing nor decreasing. It's like your favorite record on repeat. You love it like none other, but at some point you're going to want to hear something else. Something new. Something different.

What does one do about this? Understanding and patience can go along way here. Putting two creative minds together can be almost earth shattering if its without limitation. There are so many treasures that the world has to offer. Exploring the common things that you and your mate discovered in the courting phase can go way beyond that first conversation. Whether it be music, art, poetry, film, photography, fashion, traveling, history, science or sports. There is always something new to discover in all of the above.

If time is an issue; its only one because you make it one. People make time for what they want to make it for. Settling in a funk is almost ungodly. It only causes a snowball effect to bigger problems in the relationship. You and your mate have to go get up and move around. Set aside some time to brainstorm. I advise those around you to get their umbrellas out! Because I know when two people like my mate and I brainstorm; its greater than any tsunami you've ever heard reported.

It's much more fun to create history than continuing to remake it.

The Mental VS. The Physical

Mental or Physical? Sink or swim?

What makes your sexual libido peak to it's highest point? Is it the physical or the mental? Some people only vision the beauty of a human body through two eyes. Sadly, only capturing the outside sculpture of would could be a life changing masterpiece. The mere physical attraction is good enough for these people. For those of us viewing the world through our mind's eye have the pleasure of being sexually touched by a beauty deeper than the outer lustful layer of skin. This is both bitter and sweet. Not everyone has the capability of touching someone mentally. It does take a rather intellectually confident person to fill a mind with brilliant bits of information, consciously turning them into sexual innuendos; causing that mind to over flow with uncontrollable climaxes.

I personally am a fan of mental orgasms. I've been in situations where there was no physical contact made, but the mere conversation alone took me to that level. I LOVE those moments. I miss those moments. I haven't had an experience like that for quite some time. For the most part, my mental is peaked sexually on first encounters. The sense of the newness alone attracts me. If there is some sort of flirtatious chase; that only ups the ante. Sad to say, once the newness fades; so does my interest. It does take a lot to lose my interest. Receptiveness is a no-no. I need for a person to take me to new levels. I need to learn new things. What I really need is to sit on the passenger side for once. I want for someone to mentally chauffeur me around, hold my hand and explore the beats of the world together. Climaxing to that beat along the way is only a perk, but it comes naturally to say the least.

As strong and opinionated as my personality is; it's hard to find someone who can fit confidently in that driver's seat. In the past this has made my dating rap sheet quite lengthy. It's always a hit and miss. The physical attraction will basically set up for it's disappearing act; I touch and I vanish. To be mentally touched over and over and over again; causing all of my guards to be let down, because I am a hostage to a person's realm of knowledge and wisdom that I manifest. That is deeper than any physical attraction I've ever encountered...

heart to heart

soul to soul
word for word

she speaks to me

in a language foreign but understood

in a way that only she could

her face I cannot see
for her back is to me
her words are all I need

pierce me

wake me

school me

mentally invade me

my mind is your playground

swing, slide, run, jump

causing my heart to thump

faster and faster

I'm astounded by your intellect

there is no beat that you neglect

your magnetic vibe pulling me in

starting to feel a heated sensation from deep within

every breath taken
escaping in familiar rhythms
I'm there yet again
what you do has got to be a sin
Greed has taken over
I listen thirstily searching for more
For it is your face I cannot see

I swear this happens

Each and every time you speak to me

Will my thirst for this encounter be quenched anytime soon? Will the situation I'm in sink or swim, because of this itch buried deep within? I hope not, for I am ready to hand my keys over and snuggle comfortably in that passengers seat. Letting the mental outweigh the physical, and carry me away to that ecstasy that I have been yearning for. The potential is there, but some people just need a little push in the right direction.

So what's your choice? The mental or the physical?

Love in the 80's

Wow, long time no write around these parts. I've been missing in action for quite some time; I apologize. I do have some things to get off my chest though. I've been writing old school style lately. Good old fashioned pen and paper. Other than that; where have I been? Well, I've been out on the town with love. I've finally found a woman who seems to be suitable for me. Anyone who has kept up with this blog knows my struggle when it comes to females. Boy do I know how to pick em'! I think I did alright for myself this time.

Everyone keeps telling me that this woman isn't what they pictured me with. Yes, she is out of the norm for me, but that’s a good thing. That was my problem; I would always fall for the same type of female and end up with the same problems. I was use to dealing with girls, and now I have a woman. The only thing left for me to do is get my mind right. Get out of that state of mind that I was so use to being in. I'm use to the fireworks going off by now. I'm use to being on a constant roller coaster ride, but this woman is no amusement park. She's almost perfect, and that scares me a little. Nothing sets her off, and she's so easy going about EVERYTHING. That’s a good thing right? I believe it is. She doesn't get jealous over any other female that may still be calling my phone. Her confidence and security level is through the roof. That's a great thing. She doesn't argue or debate, and she agrees with pretty much everything. Nothing is a big deal with here. In this, I am bitter-sweet.

Me being the woman I am; I need that "kick" in a relationship. I need to be put in my place 70% of the time. I need to feel like I'm in a relationship. For some reason, I still feel like I'm single. I feel free, because she's so passive. I'm use to the 21 questions. I'm use to the possessive tendencies. I'm use to the disagreements that turn me on and anticipate me for the make up session. But everything with her is….perfect. I'm use to dealing with Tasha Smith character on Why Did I Get Married, but I got the Jill Scott. Why complain? I got everything I asked for. She's the total package. I'm so use to being in a chaotic romantic setting, that I don't know how to deal in peace.

My whole fear in this perfect relationship; is that I'll grow bored. I'm no good when I'm bored, because that hardly EVER happens to me. This is why that "kick" in the relationship keeps me on my toes. It keeps me alert and keeps me fired up to keep going. I don't want to be the typical lesbian, and thrive off drama. I believe I'm a far cry from the typical lesbian, but a thickened plot makes the story so much better. I just don't want to keep looking like the evil villain, because of what I'm use to. The last thing I want to do is keep hurting her feelings, because I don’t know how to play the hand I was dealt; which is the one that I asked for.

This is still in it's early stages, and in my eyes only has the potential to get better with time. I don’t want my ways to push her away. My extreme loner ways. My unaffectionate ways. My independent ways. Oh, and yes being too independent can be a bad thing. Your mate might feel obsolete, because you do everything on your own and want no input or help. I'm good for this. All things I am working on. The affectionate thing will probably never come though. That's just not me. Nobody in my family is affectionate other than my half sister. I grew up with a mother and father that didn’t even sleep in the same bed. We didn't eat dinner together at the table. Every family member were for themselves. We were 3 strangers under one roof. So affection is something that came every blue moon for me my entire life. You can't miss something you never really had. You also can't be expected to give it either.

All I can say is; I can't let past dealings with psychotic females cause me to mess up something good. Something that I'll probably on get one chance in my life to encounter. She is my 80 after ohhhh soooo many 20's. Love in the 20's brought me nothing but bitterness and heartache. I got everything but what I truly needed out of those situations. Love in the 80's brings maturity, understanding, unconditional love, peace and and a sense of compassion any man or woman only dreams about. I'm thankful. I love her. I just need to get my mind right and FAST!!!

Pre-Packaged Love

I haven't sprinkled my love dust around these parts in quite some time. Like the blog before last stated; I've been on my money. I've been working on personal things. I put the whole love thing on the back burner. I even stopped the spontaneous dating and what have you. I've been 100% solo. I've been kicking it hard with my friends and family though. I still have the craving for that love thing though. Every day I can taste it more and more. I'm beginning to drool, loll. I don't want the pre-packaged version though. I want that authentic, made from scratch love. Where they do that at? Huh? Lol.

It's no surprise that most of these females out here now days are pre-packaged. Flip them over and you're reading the same quick and easy way to prepare and the same non-nutritional facts. Ingredients as follows:

Insecurities

Emotional baggage

False pretenses

Attention whore

Self-centered

Lack of common sense

Lack of communication skills

Lack of belief in anything

Lack of belief in self

Lack of love for self

Lack of strength

Dependant

Delusional

Wearing the mask of a real woman

Wearing the mask of a strong woman

Wearing the mask of a good woman

-Microwave 5 minutes and she's done-

Pre-packaged love is not for me. I've had it quick and easy. It's just like Mexican food for me. I love it!!! But I hate the knock off American version. I like mine authentic! I want the real deal. I want someone with wisdom and experience in that kitchen preparing that meal. I don't want a package. I want ingredients in this love dish that I can't find in any other female. I want one taste and immediately be hooked. I don't want to spit it back out, because I'm so tired of tasting the same old thing. I don't want to have my face scrunch up into that bitter look when it hits my buds.

Just because I know what I want, doesn't mean I'm rushing anything. I've already learned my lesson in the whole rushing thing. It doesn't end up well at all. I'm waiting on you though love. I'm hungry! I'm craving, and I'm ready. The knock off's have been disposed of and my plate is clean. Taste ya soon.

**this is not a stab at anyone in particular. just a spill from a woman who knows what she wants, and knows what she doesn't want anymore. respect it. if you're offended, then you're guilty. your fault**

Daily Singles: Faceless Desire

I often sit and wonder where my journey in love will ultimately guide me. Will I be settled by the age of 30? Will I have a family by that time? Will I still be single as I am now? Will I be suffering through yet another heartbreak? Where am I headed in this love thing? I'm itching ya'll. What I desire is getting more and more desirable by the second. I want her; whomever she is. There is no woman in particular that I am feeling like that at this moment, but got my eye on that one right over there. I can't see her face though. Yeah, that's her. The one with the independent sticker. The one with the healthy honesty and trustworthy policy. The one with no prior owners sign. Yeah that one has no baggage, dents or bruises of the past. Shiny finish, with endless potential, respect and understanding. This one is a beauty, and when I get my hands on her; she'll be a keeper. She's my faceless desire.

Daily Singles: Aquarius - May 18, 2009

What is wishful thinking for some is a vision of the future for you. You know that the line between what you desire and reality is a permeable one, and now's an ideal time to push something across that border.

The Season Of Love

….is DEAD. Do not resuscitate! Let that muthafucka go! Love doesn't live here anymore. I'm not the only one feeling it. It seems like the season is just over. Lot's of folks are going through it. The heartbreak and heartache caused by the deportation of love. I recently ended a relationship that was built on a lie and drug through the dirt by false hope. I think I felt more betrayal and resentment than heartache, but I guess it's all the same thing huh? It wasn't bad though. I've been through much worse. I didn't lose any sleep or miss any meals. I've been living life as normal. I really don't have time for heartache right now. Too many things have to be accomplished in my day. So thank God I was spared this go round. I wish I could say the same for others I know. =(

It's something we all must go through in my eyes. It's almost destined like that life and death. We all suffer from the loss of love. Once you get past the hurting and pull the proper lessons out of the experience; it can only make you a better person.

"Every time we lay awake
after every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
still I haven't missed you yet
Every roommate kept awake
by every silent scream we make
Only when I stop to think about it
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you?"

- 3 Days Grace

I swear I didn't want to write about this today. I've been dodging this post for the past week. I've been trying to find another outlet I suppose. I've been doing good thus far with keeping it off the brain. I hate to wallow in self pity and breast stroke through spilled milk. Clean it up and pour another class. I am my mother's child, and dwelling in depression is something we just don't do. However, with some things its easier said than done. My good friend is going through something that I've been through one too many times. Way beyond the point of desire. I feel her pain, and I wish I could take it all from her. Time has to run it's course though. It's like indulging on something so sweet that you know will leave a bitter after taste. We live for that first bite though don't we? Nobody can tell us anything once we get our hands on it! The devil is a lie, and the truth ain't in him!!! I'm going on a fast.