The Explanation

I’ve been trying to find a way to start this blog again, and keep it going. I’ve seemed to have lost the momentum in my passion. Life has been a bit of a struggle; not only in love, but in many aspects of my life. I thought I lost my muse. I thought I lost my will. I thought I lost my ambition. I thought I lost my drive. I even thought I lost my faith. I forgot about my dreams. I forgot about my future. I ignored my present, and I’ve been stumbling over the skeletons of my past. I’ve been out here hustling. On a diehard hustle for love. I’ve been chasing love all of this time. I’ve been handing my heart over to strangers, and holding them responsible for the great loss of myself. Looking for love in all the wrong places. Isn’t that what they say? Well, I’ve been in the wrong place, on the wrong day, and at the wrong time.

The pieces of me are scattered about my past. On the different coordinates of the map. On the routes I chose to take in love. With every tear, every sleepless night, every ache, and every pain; I lost a little piece of me. I went against everything I believed in. The core values of the woman that I am still resides inside of me, and I’ve been trying so hard to redeem myself. The year is rounding near it’s end, and I have a goal to meet. I’ve peeled back every layer of myself, and I feel so vulnerable and exposed to the world. I feel like when people look at me; they see every flaw, blemish and bruise. They see all my pain and they can smell my weaknesses from afar. There has been a fear set in me, and it’s caused me to just….stop. I’ve been so caught up in the superficial thrills of “love” diluted and polluted with illusion and lust. Constantly drowning in the shallow waters on a lonely beach.

I’ve lost my damn mind…

There’s no one else to blame, but me. I’ve been existing in a reality below my potential. My standards have been tremendously lowered, and intertwined within the excuse of comfortableness. I’ve been settling for less. Taking any old thing from any old body. Life has just been…blah. Chasing love gave me a bit of a challenge; or so I thought, but in reality I just ended up putting too much focus in the wrong people. All I did was end up hurting myself, and ended up losing more of myself every time. My mind has been nothing less than idle. I’ve had very little mental stimulation, and my thoughts have become chaotic. The outcome; I’m  an emotional wreck. On the contrary, there is a different me on the other side of this mountain, and I’m anxious to see the woman in the mirror beyond the alps. This reckless journey was not traveled in vain. All that I thought was lost and forgotten, still exists. Oh and my muse? It still resides everywhere around. It seeps from the positive energy and light brought forth from my friends and family. It exists behind the melody, within the lyrics; soulfully bouncing throughout the music . My muse still resides in….ME.

I’ll never stop hustling in life and love. My perception is a bit more clear now, but I’ll remain in solitude until I can shake off this last bit of debris from my garments. No regrets, because we all need a little bit of dirt to grow. Now, I choose to travel forth with no rear views. I respect and accept all that is my past. It helped mold and shape me into who I am. My value is greater than it’s ever been. However, I refuse to look back on anything and anyone NOT looking back at me. What’s done is done, and it’s all been charged to the game of life and love.