The Explanation

I’ve been trying to find a way to start this blog again, and keep it going. I’ve seemed to have lost the momentum in my passion. Life has been a bit of a struggle; not only in love, but in many aspects of my life. I thought I lost my muse. I thought I lost my will. I thought I lost my ambition. I thought I lost my drive. I even thought I lost my faith. I forgot about my dreams. I forgot about my future. I ignored my present, and I’ve been stumbling over the skeletons of my past. I’ve been out here hustling. On a diehard hustle for love. I’ve been chasing love all of this time. I’ve been handing my heart over to strangers, and holding them responsible for the great loss of myself. Looking for love in all the wrong places. Isn’t that what they say? Well, I’ve been in the wrong place, on the wrong day, and at the wrong time.

The pieces of me are scattered about my past. On the different coordinates of the map. On the routes I chose to take in love. With every tear, every sleepless night, every ache, and every pain; I lost a little piece of me. I went against everything I believed in. The core values of the woman that I am still resides inside of me, and I’ve been trying so hard to redeem myself. The year is rounding near it’s end, and I have a goal to meet. I’ve peeled back every layer of myself, and I feel so vulnerable and exposed to the world. I feel like when people look at me; they see every flaw, blemish and bruise. They see all my pain and they can smell my weaknesses from afar. There has been a fear set in me, and it’s caused me to just….stop. I’ve been so caught up in the superficial thrills of “love” diluted and polluted with illusion and lust. Constantly drowning in the shallow waters on a lonely beach.

I’ve lost my damn mind…

There’s no one else to blame, but me. I’ve been existing in a reality below my potential. My standards have been tremendously lowered, and intertwined within the excuse of comfortableness. I’ve been settling for less. Taking any old thing from any old body. Life has just been…blah. Chasing love gave me a bit of a challenge; or so I thought, but in reality I just ended up putting too much focus in the wrong people. All I did was end up hurting myself, and ended up losing more of myself every time. My mind has been nothing less than idle. I’ve had very little mental stimulation, and my thoughts have become chaotic. The outcome; I’m  an emotional wreck. On the contrary, there is a different me on the other side of this mountain, and I’m anxious to see the woman in the mirror beyond the alps. This reckless journey was not traveled in vain. All that I thought was lost and forgotten, still exists. Oh and my muse? It still resides everywhere around. It seeps from the positive energy and light brought forth from my friends and family. It exists behind the melody, within the lyrics; soulfully bouncing throughout the music . My muse still resides in….ME.

I’ll never stop hustling in life and love. My perception is a bit more clear now, but I’ll remain in solitude until I can shake off this last bit of debris from my garments. No regrets, because we all need a little bit of dirt to grow. Now, I choose to travel forth with no rear views. I respect and accept all that is my past. It helped mold and shape me into who I am. My value is greater than it’s ever been. However, I refuse to look back on anything and anyone NOT looking back at me. What’s done is done, and it’s all been charged to the game of life and love. 

Stage Play

It's 5am, and I'm up listening to Donny; smoking. It's been a pretty lonely weekend. This might be a self pitty party I'm throwing over here, but I just haven't wanted to be bothered lately. I feel like my smiles have been a bit fake, and I refuse to take anyone on my usual "rebound journey". That always ends up biting me in the ass. The whole "don't chase em'; replace em'" attitude. It's the most easiest way to get over a heartache of any kind. Validation is the key right? Because, that's what you lose sight of when your heart is broken. Your value. Your worth. Your reason for being.

It's crazy just how fast you can lose sight of these things too. The heart can be very deceiving when it battles with the mind. Each day gets better. My slowly nursing myself back to my usual nonchalant self. Me and love have been through some battles man! Love has been like a stage play for me. I'll audition for the best leading lady for the role, and you better believe she knocked me dead in her audition. The play will be a hit for the first couple of months (if it lasts that long), but then the actress starts to show her true character. Her acting skills vanished. Not too soon after that; the curtains close. Then I'm back to auditioning for another leading lady for yet another stage play.

These leading ladies were merely playing their role. Maybe it's me that flips the script though. I've played with love alot in my past. I've turned my back on it. I've said it in vain. I've taken it for granted. I've misused and abused it. I've taken it to the top of the charts, and body slammed it back down to the bottom. The older I get; the more I yearn for the real thing. No stage play. No actresses. No props. No audience. No curtains. I don't want some 1 to 4 month fling. I want to put in some real time with a real and genuine person. I'm content with my life right now. It's been quite some time since I've been able to actually say that. I still have this void. A void love has busted wide open! The past couple of relationships these voids were still there even when love was in the picture. Or something I thought was love.

Recently, I've got to experience a type of love that finally filled that forever growing void. My whole world was turned upside down with this love. It was the happiest I had ever been, and that love came into my life like a thief in the night. Robbed me for my heart. Gave me everything I desired. Told me everything I wanted to hear. Wasn't afraid to tell me what I didn't want to hear. Loved me for me, and simply because; I loved it. Turned my house into a home. Shared my space. Invaded my mind, body and soul. Then...it left quicker than it came. Left me with this stranger. This empty being. This faceless soul. Pages of the script blowing in the whirlwind around us. Another actress. Another stage play. Another audience. Curtains close.

I can't blame anybody for that though. Especially not the stranger. She was just playing her role. Now here I am with this battle. Accepting the fact that the curtains are closed. The leading lady is gone. More than likely; on to another play. On a different tour. With a new writer. A new script. Or maybe it's the same old script. Either way; she played the hell out of her part. Standing ovation. Never did I once want those curtains to close. Never did I ever once want to wake out of the dream I was living in. Never did I once thing the feeling would fade this time. Not on my part, and I'm proud to say; it didn't. But I quickly found out; I wasn't directing this one. What I felt honestly meant nothing this time around. It's like someone poured hot coffee all over the script and the ink bled from the pages. Blank. Empty. Unfulfilled. There goes that void again.

She started reading from a different script on me though. I didn't have a copy of this one. I was still stuck on the old script. I knew it by heart. Everything in her script went against everything in my heart. She was no longer reading from her heart. I honestly don't know if she ever was. Perhaps that's why it was so easy for her to forget. So easy for her to get her hands on another script. Imagine how frustrating that is. Lots of people have been in situations like this. They happen all of the time. The one reading from the heart usually is the only one that gets knocked down emotionally. The one who loses sight of his/her value, worth, and reason for being.

So here I am. 6am. Can't sleep; thinking about my last leading lady. I'm still stuck in the whirlwind. Pages of the empty script flying all around me. I'm here alone. Same script etched in my heart. I've grown tired of forcing my heart back into the strangers hands. The bottom line; she shares the same stage as I, but she's reading from a different scripts. All I have is whats in my heart.

Absolute Exception

She Got Me Going (Absolute Exception)

My life is in extreme high definition
My lady, my love with no definition
My heart doesn't need any explanation
My yesterdays are in no comparison
to what is going on in my present
do I dwell on the future?
My dreams are constant in pure perfection
Her face is what I see when I look in my heart's reflection
I'm gone
So far gone,
Every rule of mine she bypassed with absolute exception

Love has not been on my side
I'm scared
Terrified of it's past deception
There is no guide, manual or list of instruction
It's all up to my discretion
Good riddance to my hesitation
I'm gone
So far gone
Every rule of mine she bypassed with absolute exception

My mind clouded with fear
My eyes full of tears
Still I stay focused on our destination
My heart is one step ahead of the game
Dialed out and made that reservation
Table for two under the stars
our beauty overcast by candle light
Staring at the best things made under God's creation
I'm gone
So far gone
Every rule of mine she bypassed with absolute exception

I do not speak the language of forever

I speak in the language of logic
In the name of reality
I fight against love to keep my sanity
You're now apart of my knowledge

Something I'll never forget
Our hearts clocks are set
Ticking
Waiting
Bracing
Hoping that this love bomb never offsets
But it will
Will we survive the blast
Will you be a mere thing of my past
Will the healing process be slow or fast
I'll hold your hand even through the crash
If we part
It's because you let go
Don't let go
We're gone
So far gone
Every rule we've bypassed with absolute exception

Published by: T. Nicole © 2008

Ten Seconds To Live

So I'm trying to get back on track with my blog schedule. I haven't posted anything on my primary blog in a little over a week. The hurricane really threw everything off for everyone out here in Houston. My power is back on and things are almost back to normal in my neighborhood. I'll have pics and everything from the aftermath of the storm in my primary blog, so check it out later this week.

This Monday is going alright for me so far. Considering the emotional rollercoaster that I've been on. People now know me to be a pretty positive person. I try to remain calm in my spirit and as peaceful in my thinking as I possibly can. I learned quickly in my 24 years on my earth that my life is solely controlled by me. God is fully in my life to help guide me through everything that comes forth my way. Sometimes He will take me through things to learn certain lessons, but at the end of the day; it's me that controls the things in my life. Crazy, dramatic and heart retching things happen to all of us, but it is how we handle such things that determine the outcome of all situations. I realized a couple of years ago that when bad things happen, there is no use in drowning myself in sorrow and blaming the entire world for that bad thing. No need to put poison into other's world because of the current situation that I am living through. I get mad just like everyone else and I handle my anger in my own unique way. I may cry, I may curse, but I quickly get over things, because at some point it becomes detrimental to myself and my future. This depends on how long I choose to hold on to such anger. I can remember getting mad about certain issues and taking weeks to get over them. I'd remain angry with people and kill them off 6 million ways in my head to make myself feel better. This not only effected me and my daily responsibilities, but it effected other people I loved. I was one angry person, loll. I must admit. I was on permanent bitch mode, but that was one of the major changes that I had to make to preserve my life.

"Stuff your eyes with wonder…live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories." - Ray Bradbury, "Fahrenheit 451"

Even with all of the turmoil and stress that life may bring; its still a beautiful thing. I know that I am truly blessed to wake up breathing every day, have the loving family that I do, have the good health that I do, the loving friends that I have, the two jobs that I have and the roof over my head and the clothes on my back. I am thankful beyond words for these things and people. To be angry and negative in my spirit is only showing God that I'm ungrateful for these things and people. He works hard to protect me and make sure that I am alright everyday. So there is no need to be angry at people for small things for extended periods of time. When I have a problem, I know the best escape from that problem is to solve it. It's as simple as that. If I have people in my life that I feel do not appreciate me, take me for granted or take advantage of me. I eliminate those people from my life. No need in hating them and having long drawn out confrontations. Just eliminate the problem all together and keep living life to the fullest. Material things come a dime a dozen and so do friends an lovers. So I will enjoy all good things that come into my life and when that time is up with those things or people; I keep smiling and keep it moving.

Most people don't realize that we have 3 eyes and 4 legs. Sounds weird I know. But our strongest pair of legs are in our own mind and our strongest eye is in our own mind. It's those legs and that eye that help us keep walking as we say our silent prayer to help keep the strength going and our feet moving. I'm very proud to be at this point in my life. I have people 10 and 15 years older than me that haven't reached this point of peace and happiness in their lives. My mental legs are running faster than most people I know, and my mind's eye is seeing clearer and further than most people I know as well. It feels good. Out of all the crap that I've gone through last week; I feel good. Nobody can take this peace away from me. Many have tried to spread their poison into my life, but I refuse to let them. If I feel something or someone bringing my spirits down too far, it's time for me to move around. People are crabs in a barrel and will grab the first person they see moving closer to the top. It's sad, but it's typical for this day in age. So I use the tools that God has equipped for me and I do the work necessary to get myself out of such situations.

Anyway, I'm off my soap box now. I hope that my words have touched the hearts of a few individuals out there and they will begin to let the little stuff go, recognize their worth, and live life to the fullest. You have 10 more seconds to live, are you smiling?

The Reason

The W0rd Hustler

I've had a lot of people ask me, why do I call myself The W0rd Hustler? Everyone has their hustle, whether it be legal or illegal. Some people cook, sew, paint, dope pusher, designer purse pusher, Avon pusher, MaryKay pusher; whatever pays the bills and satisfies their desire. This writing thing is my passion, the reason I am sane today; it is my HUSTLE. I've said it before and I'm going to say it again; ink is my blood and paper is my soul! Put them both together and you just might imagine what it feels like to walk in the shoes of T. Nicole.

So what better way to show these individuals the reason behind my name? I've decided to create a new blog devoted solely to my work. There will be a collection of my short stories and online eBook series. If you're at work, school or just at the house relaxing; check out my work. Escape from your everyday struggles and anxieties. Allow me to take you on a journey with my words; love, suspense, erotica, fantasy, physco thrillers and more. I welcome all readers!

So let's get this show on the road, shall we? Now that you know The Reason behind the name, sit back and enjoy the writings of The W0rd Hustler.