You Gotta Be Kidding Me

I have never laughed so hard in all of my damn life. I will leave it at that. You know, I have been called a bitch a many a time. I've been called vindictive, spiteful and sneaky. I can't even lie and say that I was never any of the above. I know my words have a power like none other. And sometimes I do use my talent to my advantage, I won't lie about it. However, people fail to realize that when they do me wrong, I voice my opinion. I'm a writer and I write my feelings down. I have a way of putting them like you wouldn't believe. BUT, when I voice my opinion, I'm wrong. I can be called out of my name, ignored, tossed to the curb multiple times, but when I post one blog voicing MY feelings; I'm wrong! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!

"Girl you have got to pursue your writing. You can obviously bring about more change that Barack Obama" - My greatest friend Ma Kisses.

Lmaoooooooooooooo!!!!! Mica always has to bite her tounge for the likes of other people. Fuck all that man. I'm tired of being nice to unworthy people. Now folks wanna play the victim role. Well join the damn club. We're ALL victims. WE ALL LIVE IN HELL!! I get idle threats about having all my shit aired out on AMERICA ONLINE. "Are you kidding me?!" LMAOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

AOL?!! Really? I could do the same thing, but what for? No one cares. We're not celebrities. Nobody on AOL knows me and they never will. Man I've heard it all for one day. I will declare this as the funniest day of my damn life.

Thanks. My ass is on the floor; detached from my damn body.

Cover Girl - End "Game"

My heart is so pushing to be spiteful, hateful and willing to seek revenge on the person that dogged me out. I have been trying so hard to work on myself and be humble in my persona. Trying to be patient and understanding toward people and accept them for who they are. More importantly who they were before I stepped into the picture. I am anything but a selfish lover, but I can't seem to find anyone who is NOT a selfish lover. I alter myself to fit into their worlds without bringing too much discomfort into their lives. My efforts always go unnoticed and I'm still dogged out. Why try? Why be what people expect me to be; only to have them turn around and treat me like shit? I mean I'm screaming and they refuse to hear what I'm saying. It's all about them and how they feel. I was caught in a catch 22.

When I said, I will let her be who she is and do what she wants to do, because she has every right to do so; I was told I didn’t care. When I listened to my heart and acted in unison with it and voiced my feelings and concerns; I was stepped on and walked over. So what is one to do when she's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't? Either retreat or suffer defeat. I'm sick of attempting to put my all into these worthless females. Cover page women. The outside design is so nice and welcoming. That is until you turn the page and you see all of their fucked up ways and mindsets. Reason being why I never kept one female. It's not worth it. I was all set and ready to go into a committed relationship with someone I've never even seen before. Silly me huh? Well, I was listening to my heart, so don't judge me on that one. I take my heart seriously, but I guess when my heart skipped a beat; it became deaf and blind to the fact that this woman was capable of taking it and smashing it on the ground. All while not giving a damn. Which proves that sometimes "love" just isn't enough. It takes work; HARD WORK on both parts. One person should never be working harder than the other in a relationship or in our case persuing a relationship. She had a lot of good qualities, but the major ones needed she lacked. I can't hold on to shit by my damn self. I always felt I was playing the role of the "hero" as usual. Hell, even she told me that once before. Damn, when can I be saved? Do I always have to be the bigger person and take everything on my back? Everything is Mica's fault and is always turned on Mica. She always made fun of me for "taking too long" to take the next step. If I didn't have common sense, I would've BEEN taken that step. Flew head first off a cliff to my death. I knew we were BOTH not ready though and she proved that wayyyyy too many times.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)

You may be somewhat anxious today because the Moon in moody Cancer can highlight how uncomfortable you are with your feelings. But your emotions can be the source of strength if you don't try to avoid or deny them. Instead of closing down your sensitive perceptions, try to develop your spiritual perspective by focusing on your long-term goals.

My long term goal is to continue on this journey 100% happy with myself in hopes of finding a mate that is 100% happy with themselves. I want to continue to be a great communicator and find someone who shares in the same skills as I in that highly important task. I have so many things in my life that I want to accomplish and I have no problem doing them alone. I've been alone all of this time and I was just fine with that. I got a chance to see what it feels like to have someone there that I was perusing and putting my trust into. It felt good; then again, it always does in the beginning. People that I cared about warned me of this crash and burn destiny, and once again; they were right. I do deserve to be treated better than what I was and I do not need to waste my time on another unstable female. She told me that I don't deserve better and that I had the best. If I had a penny for how many times I've heard that shit, from the SAME women who decided to blatantly ignore me; man I'd be rolling in the dough. Oh how people contradict themselves so! Since when did double standards become OKAY? I guess I missed the memo. Anyway, I have too much going for myself to be held down emotionally and wasting my time on a hopeless cause. Too many fish in the sea right? Loll, right.

"Yes you did have the best. You didn’t want me anymore. I was too flawed for you. Lets see you find someone better. I can't wait to see who she is." - Well in the words of Tamia; HER NAME IS ME and baby it don't get no better than that! Dig it!

"Your games are old" - Lmaooo!! Apparently, I was much too serious. I won't even attack her character though and I'll be nice for once.

I wish that woman the best in her personal life. I know she is use to being who she is and getting away with doing what she does. Hey, who am I to stop her? I hope that she finds someone who is willing to put up with that. That's not my job. She was placed into my life for a reason and that reason was to see that love still does live inside of my heart. I am still capable of loving someone with all of me and meaning it. I thought that part of me was dead for so long. I know now that I am still equipped with the tools to be in a committed relationship; even if her and I never got to that step. I am not giving up on my journey in love. I'm not looking for it, but I know that it will come around when the time is right. Until then, I will continue to love myself and stay true to myself in my own life. God has brought me a long way from the girl that I use to be. I committed emotional suicide so many times behind failed attempts at love. Now that I am the woman I am today, I know what it is that I want and deserve in a lover. I went 4 years being dogged out by a girl and yes it did a number on me, but I stood up from that.

My heart is now conditioned properly and I needed this experience to bring it all on home for me. So no love is lost and no hard feelings to the woman who took me to the next step in my journey. I hope that she learned something from all of this as well. I stuck my foot in my mouth in pervious blogs regarding this same woman. I said goodbye a few times now and did not mean it. I hadn't learned my lesson and kept going back. She didn't change for a reason. God was trying to get me to see a point. Well I hear you loud and clear Lord. Thank you. I am thankful that I wasn't so deep into this that the déjà vu feeling had me down and out like it once had me years ago. I close this case with a happy and intact heart, a humble spirit and a smile on my face. I have no idea how she feels about me at this point and I do know that it is none of my concern any longer. People have a lot of perceptions of Tamica Nicole, but none of them will ever know the struggles I've gone through to truly become who I am. These females seem to have me TWSISTED. I would end this with screw them and their perceptions, but I'll be nice and end it with peace and love.

Truth of the matter is; this cover girl was no different than the rest. Now she's being replaced.

I Can't Do It Alone

I can't believe I was just sitting here trying to organize my feelings into a poetic stanza. There's no way. I've never claimed to be a poet, because I always find myself having too much to say to limit myself to a verse or two. When it comes to the way I'm feeling right now; words can't really express how discombobulated my thoughts are. I'm floating in dangerous waters. It's so beautiful here though. The fears in my heart have me paranoid, thinking that a hammerhead shark will come and tear me to pieces at any given moment. I'll end up bleeding internally again with my heart brutally injured. More wounds that only time and faith can heal.

I do want to be with this woman, because she's proved to be the best thing that has walked into my life in a long time. I can name all the pros and cons and on some days the cons are healthier than the pros, but I still love her. She already has the ability to hurt my heart, because she just did it today and I'm not going to lie it scared me even more. I just want to get her to understand that it's not okay to keep stepping over me as if I'm nothing, because she doesn't agree with something. Communication seems to be our biggest issue. I try so damn hard to communicate with her in a civil manner, but she insists on seeing things her way and her way only. I have to remain patient until I can calm her down enough to actually talk to me. I have to be honest and say I don't want to have to do that every single time. It's not fair. I want us to work together and accept one another's weaknesses. I'm not asking her to be a crutch for me to lean on, because I've been doing just fine by myself all of this time. But in any relationship there will be some help needed.

At this point in time, I trust her to be who she is. She's been just that since the first day I met her. She has not changed on me. There is no mask that she's wearing and what I see is what I get. She is something else and I want to help her to understand that we are in this together and that I cannot fight these battles we create alone. She's kicking my ass man. Then she picks me back up and nurses my wounds. I always knew that I needed a woman to keep me off of my high horse, out of the clouds and in complete touch with reality, but damn man. This is rough. She is something I've never experienced before in my life. She's my greatest challenge. She's my best thing. She is now the reason why I cry. The reason why I smile. The reason why I laugh. The reason why I get angry. The reason why I'm proud. The reason why I can't sleep. The reason why I can't eat. The reason why I plan. The reason why I stand. The reason I am who I am. She is love. She is my love and I love her.

We both have some work to do before we take that big step. I would like to place it all on me, but after today; I do see that we have a few more hurdles to jump and a few more test to pass. I'm not going into another relationship blinded. I can't do it. I refuse to do it. We are going to make this thing work. We are going to make the necessary changes in order to work together and not against one another. It will take patience, faith and endurance. I hope that she will stick around for it. She says that I'm the one with my foot outside the door, but she's always the one to run through it first and is so quick to slam that same door in my face. The day that we BOTH accept one another and trust the love that is being built; causing us NOT to run away so quickly, is the day that I know we're both ready.

I want her to understand that I am not her enemy and that her best interest is deeply embedded in my heart. Every time we have a disagreement does not mean the end of is. It is like a dose of steroids that will only make us stronger as we BOTH push through it. I'm not her to kick at her, scream at her and disrespect her. I'm here to love her for her. I want her to do the same for me. There is no need to bring a gun to a butter knife fight. She aims to kill when she's mad, when all it will take is some simple communication. Today was the first time she shot me. I didn't see it coming. I wasn't even equipped with a weapon. The shit hurt man. I haven't cried over a female in so long!!!! It didn't feel good. I asked her did she want me to just let her be, because I do understand that it's not fair for me to hold her here against her will. If there is someone better out there for her, I want her to be happy with them. She apologized and said she would work with me. I pray to God that she does. Because I can't take that again. I've pulled her by the arm back into the door too many times already. I want her glue her feet to the floor and do not move no matter what.

*sigh. I could go on and on about this woman, but I'm going to stop here. I have a long journey ahead of me and I'm going to face it. Fears and all. I've said I was afraid all of this time, but not once have I turned my back fully on it. Hope she opens her mind and heart and realizes this.

Preservation

Man, sometimes it bites being a woman. The last couple of days I've been so sensitive. I've been taking things to heart that people I love do and say. Or better yet; don't do or don't say. I don't show it, but I know the effects of it. It's not a good look. I'm becoming irritated with the fact that the woman that I love doesn't seem to pay me enough attention. This really kills me, because I'm not a person who thrives off of attention. I guess I'm just paranoid that she'll lose interest or something. It could be a figment of my over active imagination, but it seems to me that she isn't as intrigued by me like she was when we first started talking. How long does that last anyway? People get comfortable, declare themselves as knowing you, and that’s it. Let the bickering begin right? I want to preserve this, but I know I can't do this by myself. I don’t want to lose that "the first time I said I love you" feeling. There is so much more that we have to learn about one another and I don't want us to dwindle away from that task.

Last night I found myself reaching for conversation with her and I was saying some heartfelt things; only to get minimal responses. She says that she was bothered with something; which is understandable, but man. The things she was bothered with were irrelevant anyway. She was worried about people that have no meaning in her life what so ever. That is neither here nor there though, because her and I are different. The things that I find irrelevant, she doesn't. So I was there for her as I could be, but it was rather hard. I don't know what to say about something or somebody that means nothing.

Anyway, towards the end of the conversation, she seemed to be more enthralled in the chat room rather than what I was saying. There was nothing but silence on the phone. Why do I always have this problem? It has to be something with me, because this has happened with one too many people. I guess I expect to have this spine tingling conversation every time I talk to people, and it doesn't always happen that way. Hell, it hardly happens that way. I just don’t want the thrill to be gone with this woman. I'm not into arguing about small stuff and I'm starting to think that she sort of likes those dramatic moments we have. I hate them, so I do everything in my power to re-shape myself and my thoughts so that they won't occur again. She on the other hand clearly thinks that its okay and there is no need for change. Although, she has changed quite a bit and I do appreciate the effort no doubt.

I'm just having these déjà vu feelings. I feel like what I'm saying is going unheard or being blown off. I know that it's just me being overly sensitive. I just really don't want to put my feelings totally out there to be ignored or to be taken lightly. If she wants to be enthralled in online things or totally about herself, I'll just let her do that. Like I said, this isn't something that is new to me. I'm always placing my feelings on the back burner to listen to other people's issues and problems. My feelings, thoughts and concerns are hardly ever taken into consideration. Such is the selfish way of the world. Ahh, I can't wait until this week is over. I'm not feeling this sensitive shit. This is the reason why I don't put my feelings and emotion into anything, because what I feel like after it's done is not so good. I have to do what I have to do though. It is so much easier to not show emotion and let things roll off as they come. Catch 22, because when I don’t show emotion; it's said that I don't care. When I do show emotion; it goes unheard. What is a woman like me to do?

Later for this though, today is a new day and a new lesson is being learned. This woman is great in so many areas; I just need to get use to her way of doing things.

"Dramatica"

I've only been knowing "Dramatica" for a few weeks now and we really hit it off on a mental level. She's an Aquarius and so am I. The mental connection was out of this world. Causing our feelings to splurge at rapid speeds. I tried to keep control of the wheel and I think I did a good job. I was just hoping that this would not end up like all the rest; with another woman committing emotional suicide. Her traits are too much like those of a Capricorn, and I CANNOT and WILL NOT deal with a Capricorn. I might as well stick a gun in my mouth and fondle the trigger.

At first, there were things that I knew I would have to get use to, because she is her own woman and she's had 34 years to get stuck in her own ways. I respected that. There was the trust issue, on top of the over dramatic issue, the double standards and the distance. At this point in my life, I know what I want in a woman and I know that it's going to take a special woman to grasp my attention and keep it. I need a woman who is comfortable with herself and does not take things out on me, because of people that hurt her in the past. I want something brought to the table other than suppressed emotional baggage. Now days, that is way too much to ask for. "Dramatica", a very intelligent woman, as far as I know; she has her own home, own car, a great career and the list goes on. None of that impresses me; whether its fact or fiction. So what? I have that to; what else you got?

So many portfolios have been brought to my table. They look so nice on the outside cover. They are colorful, well designed, well written and unique. Then the page is turned and the pink flags go up. Do I turn another page? Or realize that this isn't going to work now? I cannot lie, I am a page turner and I do give people the benefit of the doubt. I can't do that anymore. I'm getting too old for this. No more wasting my time. I know what I want and if a woman doesn't have it; I'm not sticking around. I wrote a blog about accepting people yesterday and I will do just that. I can accept a person outside of my world, they don’t need to be in it. I'm not going to mesh well with everyone I encounter. Every romantic interest will not flourish into something beautiful. I realize this.

"Dramatica" taught me some valuable lessons on this quick journey and I do appreciate them. She taught me not to be so vindictive and spiteful when things don't go my way. She taught me to truly abide by the golden rule. She taught me to be more patient. She taught me that no one will ever be like me and it's stupid of me to expect that or anything from anybody. She taught me that age is merely a number and means nothing. It just reveals exactly how long you've been holding on to the same bullshit. She taught me that I am my own soul mate and that people that come into my life are merely compliments of what I've already built within myself. I have everything I need spread out on the table and if a woman can not match what I have, then it's not going to work. I need someone to work with. I cannot back track anymore.

So "Dramatica" thanks for the experience. I am pressing on in my life's journey. No love is lost and no hard feelings developed. Peace.

The Reason - Revamped!

I just posted my 100th blog on my The Life Of A Word Hustler BlogSpot and I couldn't help but to notice that I've totally neglected this blog. I anticipated this blog being where I post all my short stories, poems and what have you, but I haven't posted much of anything on here as of lately. I entitled this blog The Reason for many reasons. The reason I call myself the Word Hustler and for all the reasons why I am who I am as a person. The reason I weep, the reason I smile, the reason I laugh, the reason I'm angry and the reason I breathe. So from here on out I'm going to post my every emotion on this blog and my reasoning behind those emotions.

Love has found it's way back into my heart and with love comes a lot of pain and headaches. So yeah, I need a place where I can vent and throw my tantrums so to speak. I don't expect people to read this blog, because most know nothing about it. I'm glad of that. It's going to get personal, feelings are going to get hurt, but hey what can you do? This is my world, this is my blog and I will write what I feel; literally.

Let the stories begin.