I Can't Do It Alone

I can't believe I was just sitting here trying to organize my feelings into a poetic stanza. There's no way. I've never claimed to be a poet, because I always find myself having too much to say to limit myself to a verse or two. When it comes to the way I'm feeling right now; words can't really express how discombobulated my thoughts are. I'm floating in dangerous waters. It's so beautiful here though. The fears in my heart have me paranoid, thinking that a hammerhead shark will come and tear me to pieces at any given moment. I'll end up bleeding internally again with my heart brutally injured. More wounds that only time and faith can heal.

I do want to be with this woman, because she's proved to be the best thing that has walked into my life in a long time. I can name all the pros and cons and on some days the cons are healthier than the pros, but I still love her. She already has the ability to hurt my heart, because she just did it today and I'm not going to lie it scared me even more. I just want to get her to understand that it's not okay to keep stepping over me as if I'm nothing, because she doesn't agree with something. Communication seems to be our biggest issue. I try so damn hard to communicate with her in a civil manner, but she insists on seeing things her way and her way only. I have to remain patient until I can calm her down enough to actually talk to me. I have to be honest and say I don't want to have to do that every single time. It's not fair. I want us to work together and accept one another's weaknesses. I'm not asking her to be a crutch for me to lean on, because I've been doing just fine by myself all of this time. But in any relationship there will be some help needed.

At this point in time, I trust her to be who she is. She's been just that since the first day I met her. She has not changed on me. There is no mask that she's wearing and what I see is what I get. She is something else and I want to help her to understand that we are in this together and that I cannot fight these battles we create alone. She's kicking my ass man. Then she picks me back up and nurses my wounds. I always knew that I needed a woman to keep me off of my high horse, out of the clouds and in complete touch with reality, but damn man. This is rough. She is something I've never experienced before in my life. She's my greatest challenge. She's my best thing. She is now the reason why I cry. The reason why I smile. The reason why I laugh. The reason why I get angry. The reason why I'm proud. The reason why I can't sleep. The reason why I can't eat. The reason why I plan. The reason why I stand. The reason I am who I am. She is love. She is my love and I love her.

We both have some work to do before we take that big step. I would like to place it all on me, but after today; I do see that we have a few more hurdles to jump and a few more test to pass. I'm not going into another relationship blinded. I can't do it. I refuse to do it. We are going to make this thing work. We are going to make the necessary changes in order to work together and not against one another. It will take patience, faith and endurance. I hope that she will stick around for it. She says that I'm the one with my foot outside the door, but she's always the one to run through it first and is so quick to slam that same door in my face. The day that we BOTH accept one another and trust the love that is being built; causing us NOT to run away so quickly, is the day that I know we're both ready.

I want her to understand that I am not her enemy and that her best interest is deeply embedded in my heart. Every time we have a disagreement does not mean the end of is. It is like a dose of steroids that will only make us stronger as we BOTH push through it. I'm not her to kick at her, scream at her and disrespect her. I'm here to love her for her. I want her to do the same for me. There is no need to bring a gun to a butter knife fight. She aims to kill when she's mad, when all it will take is some simple communication. Today was the first time she shot me. I didn't see it coming. I wasn't even equipped with a weapon. The shit hurt man. I haven't cried over a female in so long!!!! It didn't feel good. I asked her did she want me to just let her be, because I do understand that it's not fair for me to hold her here against her will. If there is someone better out there for her, I want her to be happy with them. She apologized and said she would work with me. I pray to God that she does. Because I can't take that again. I've pulled her by the arm back into the door too many times already. I want her glue her feet to the floor and do not move no matter what.

*sigh. I could go on and on about this woman, but I'm going to stop here. I have a long journey ahead of me and I'm going to face it. Fears and all. I've said I was afraid all of this time, but not once have I turned my back fully on it. Hope she opens her mind and heart and realizes this.