Cover Girl - End "Game"

My heart is so pushing to be spiteful, hateful and willing to seek revenge on the person that dogged me out. I have been trying so hard to work on myself and be humble in my persona. Trying to be patient and understanding toward people and accept them for who they are. More importantly who they were before I stepped into the picture. I am anything but a selfish lover, but I can't seem to find anyone who is NOT a selfish lover. I alter myself to fit into their worlds without bringing too much discomfort into their lives. My efforts always go unnoticed and I'm still dogged out. Why try? Why be what people expect me to be; only to have them turn around and treat me like shit? I mean I'm screaming and they refuse to hear what I'm saying. It's all about them and how they feel. I was caught in a catch 22.

When I said, I will let her be who she is and do what she wants to do, because she has every right to do so; I was told I didn’t care. When I listened to my heart and acted in unison with it and voiced my feelings and concerns; I was stepped on and walked over. So what is one to do when she's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't? Either retreat or suffer defeat. I'm sick of attempting to put my all into these worthless females. Cover page women. The outside design is so nice and welcoming. That is until you turn the page and you see all of their fucked up ways and mindsets. Reason being why I never kept one female. It's not worth it. I was all set and ready to go into a committed relationship with someone I've never even seen before. Silly me huh? Well, I was listening to my heart, so don't judge me on that one. I take my heart seriously, but I guess when my heart skipped a beat; it became deaf and blind to the fact that this woman was capable of taking it and smashing it on the ground. All while not giving a damn. Which proves that sometimes "love" just isn't enough. It takes work; HARD WORK on both parts. One person should never be working harder than the other in a relationship or in our case persuing a relationship. She had a lot of good qualities, but the major ones needed she lacked. I can't hold on to shit by my damn self. I always felt I was playing the role of the "hero" as usual. Hell, even she told me that once before. Damn, when can I be saved? Do I always have to be the bigger person and take everything on my back? Everything is Mica's fault and is always turned on Mica. She always made fun of me for "taking too long" to take the next step. If I didn't have common sense, I would've BEEN taken that step. Flew head first off a cliff to my death. I knew we were BOTH not ready though and she proved that wayyyyy too many times.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)

You may be somewhat anxious today because the Moon in moody Cancer can highlight how uncomfortable you are with your feelings. But your emotions can be the source of strength if you don't try to avoid or deny them. Instead of closing down your sensitive perceptions, try to develop your spiritual perspective by focusing on your long-term goals.

My long term goal is to continue on this journey 100% happy with myself in hopes of finding a mate that is 100% happy with themselves. I want to continue to be a great communicator and find someone who shares in the same skills as I in that highly important task. I have so many things in my life that I want to accomplish and I have no problem doing them alone. I've been alone all of this time and I was just fine with that. I got a chance to see what it feels like to have someone there that I was perusing and putting my trust into. It felt good; then again, it always does in the beginning. People that I cared about warned me of this crash and burn destiny, and once again; they were right. I do deserve to be treated better than what I was and I do not need to waste my time on another unstable female. She told me that I don't deserve better and that I had the best. If I had a penny for how many times I've heard that shit, from the SAME women who decided to blatantly ignore me; man I'd be rolling in the dough. Oh how people contradict themselves so! Since when did double standards become OKAY? I guess I missed the memo. Anyway, I have too much going for myself to be held down emotionally and wasting my time on a hopeless cause. Too many fish in the sea right? Loll, right.

"Yes you did have the best. You didn’t want me anymore. I was too flawed for you. Lets see you find someone better. I can't wait to see who she is." - Well in the words of Tamia; HER NAME IS ME and baby it don't get no better than that! Dig it!

"Your games are old" - Lmaooo!! Apparently, I was much too serious. I won't even attack her character though and I'll be nice for once.

I wish that woman the best in her personal life. I know she is use to being who she is and getting away with doing what she does. Hey, who am I to stop her? I hope that she finds someone who is willing to put up with that. That's not my job. She was placed into my life for a reason and that reason was to see that love still does live inside of my heart. I am still capable of loving someone with all of me and meaning it. I thought that part of me was dead for so long. I know now that I am still equipped with the tools to be in a committed relationship; even if her and I never got to that step. I am not giving up on my journey in love. I'm not looking for it, but I know that it will come around when the time is right. Until then, I will continue to love myself and stay true to myself in my own life. God has brought me a long way from the girl that I use to be. I committed emotional suicide so many times behind failed attempts at love. Now that I am the woman I am today, I know what it is that I want and deserve in a lover. I went 4 years being dogged out by a girl and yes it did a number on me, but I stood up from that.

My heart is now conditioned properly and I needed this experience to bring it all on home for me. So no love is lost and no hard feelings to the woman who took me to the next step in my journey. I hope that she learned something from all of this as well. I stuck my foot in my mouth in pervious blogs regarding this same woman. I said goodbye a few times now and did not mean it. I hadn't learned my lesson and kept going back. She didn't change for a reason. God was trying to get me to see a point. Well I hear you loud and clear Lord. Thank you. I am thankful that I wasn't so deep into this that the déjà vu feeling had me down and out like it once had me years ago. I close this case with a happy and intact heart, a humble spirit and a smile on my face. I have no idea how she feels about me at this point and I do know that it is none of my concern any longer. People have a lot of perceptions of Tamica Nicole, but none of them will ever know the struggles I've gone through to truly become who I am. These females seem to have me TWSISTED. I would end this with screw them and their perceptions, but I'll be nice and end it with peace and love.

Truth of the matter is; this cover girl was no different than the rest. Now she's being replaced.