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Preservation

Man, sometimes it bites being a woman. The last couple of days I've been so sensitive. I've been taking things to heart that people I love do and say. Or better yet; don't do or don't say. I don't show it, but I know the effects of it. It's not a good look. I'm becoming irritated with the fact that the woman that I love doesn't seem to pay me enough attention. This really kills me, because I'm not a person who thrives off of attention. I guess I'm just paranoid that she'll lose interest or something. It could be a figment of my over active imagination, but it seems to me that she isn't as intrigued by me like she was when we first started talking. How long does that last anyway? People get comfortable, declare themselves as knowing you, and that’s it. Let the bickering begin right? I want to preserve this, but I know I can't do this by myself. I don’t want to lose that "the first time I said I love you" feeling. There is so much more that we have to learn about one another and I don't want us to dwindle away from that task.

Last night I found myself reaching for conversation with her and I was saying some heartfelt things; only to get minimal responses. She says that she was bothered with something; which is understandable, but man. The things she was bothered with were irrelevant anyway. She was worried about people that have no meaning in her life what so ever. That is neither here nor there though, because her and I are different. The things that I find irrelevant, she doesn't. So I was there for her as I could be, but it was rather hard. I don't know what to say about something or somebody that means nothing.

Anyway, towards the end of the conversation, she seemed to be more enthralled in the chat room rather than what I was saying. There was nothing but silence on the phone. Why do I always have this problem? It has to be something with me, because this has happened with one too many people. I guess I expect to have this spine tingling conversation every time I talk to people, and it doesn't always happen that way. Hell, it hardly happens that way. I just don’t want the thrill to be gone with this woman. I'm not into arguing about small stuff and I'm starting to think that she sort of likes those dramatic moments we have. I hate them, so I do everything in my power to re-shape myself and my thoughts so that they won't occur again. She on the other hand clearly thinks that its okay and there is no need for change. Although, she has changed quite a bit and I do appreciate the effort no doubt.

I'm just having these déjà vu feelings. I feel like what I'm saying is going unheard or being blown off. I know that it's just me being overly sensitive. I just really don't want to put my feelings totally out there to be ignored or to be taken lightly. If she wants to be enthralled in online things or totally about herself, I'll just let her do that. Like I said, this isn't something that is new to me. I'm always placing my feelings on the back burner to listen to other people's issues and problems. My feelings, thoughts and concerns are hardly ever taken into consideration. Such is the selfish way of the world. Ahh, I can't wait until this week is over. I'm not feeling this sensitive shit. This is the reason why I don't put my feelings and emotion into anything, because what I feel like after it's done is not so good. I have to do what I have to do though. It is so much easier to not show emotion and let things roll off as they come. Catch 22, because when I don’t show emotion; it's said that I don't care. When I do show emotion; it goes unheard. What is a woman like me to do?

Later for this though, today is a new day and a new lesson is being learned. This woman is great in so many areas; I just need to get use to her way of doing things.

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