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Miss. Bad News

Wow, what a depressing day. I stayed in my apartment all day; ignoring calls on my house phone and my cell phone. I just wasn't up for anything or anyone today. I watched a couple movies, but my emotions were all out of wack, and it's not even that time of the month. I don't know what is going on with me. I had these frightening urges to be held, to be near family. Not just any family, but family members that are dead and gone. My brother being one of them. It was just an emotional ass day.

It all started last night. I was talking to DeeJay, and we were discussing a blog that she recently wrote about me. The blog made me feel like a monster. She entitled the blog; Always A Bridesmade; Never A Bride.

Always a bridesmaid NEVER a bride... ughhhh. y0u know when women use the term "always a bridesmaid NEVER a bride", I use to laugh. I couldn't relate to that statement. I never really understood the frustration behind the words. ha But now not only do I relate I'm eating those very words. Over the time of about two years Ive became VERY attached to someone. She amazes me..I soak her up like a sponge. I'm so receptive to her, She just might be the realist person Ive ever known. uh my [oldie but goodie] I cant get to her, I cant break through to the notion that I'm just not enough for her... She want so much more than I can give her...Even though I have surrendered my heart to her that in its self still isn't enough.. She is; strong, focused, opinionated,independent,intelligent,stubborn, experienced, mature,a time bomb waiting to go off. I am; Nice, soft spoken, hesitant, RANDOM,clingy,timid,forgetful,the calm after the storm. We are complete opposites, I sometimes have to ask myself why I stick around when it seems the reality is that her and I will NEVER be anymore than what we are now. But Ive worked to hard Ive come to far with her. I love her with everything in no exceptions, its 100% unconditional I pray for her, I think of her through out my day, I keep her close to my heart and carry her in my spirit. But in some ways I just feel invisible. I get passed these random ass females while I patiently and persistently wait in line like go0d fucking Samaritan that I am.. (for the record good girls DO finish last) I'm constantly reminded of how much I lack..It is forever in my head of how much more I need in order to even be considered for the position "As your GIRL" I say I love you and you say its mutual, but its like " I love you but we cannot be" and that hurts more than you ever know. I date and talk and try to meet people rather than sit around and wait for you to see that yes I have flaws but I'm still a good catch, I am as close to heaven as you will ever get, but I guess when your done doing all the fishing in the sea you'll realize I'm not in the water with the rest....I cant swim.....

My mind state right now is on some deuce, deuce shit. Straight up catch 22. For the past 2 years, I knew that I was bad news for this girl. She's an angel, she's fragile, and the last thing I want is for an asshole like me to come along and break her heart. I've been picking the poison over the cure it seems like. That's the human way though. We opt to love what's bad for us. The cure is always right under out noses, or tugging at our hearts. We're good at tuning out the things we don't want to hear, but it's those same things that we need to hear. I use to ask why all the time. Why was I attracting the same type of females? Why could I not find a suitable female? The answer has been banging on my door it seems like for 2 years, but there is so much energy that would have to go into this one. She has a lot to learn, and I made a promise to myself that I would not play the role of the teacher again. It's a lot of headaches and heartaches involved in it all.

I decided that I would want her, my friend, my very good friend happy. I can't say that she'll be happy with me. At this moment in my life, I don't know if anybody will be happy with me. I'm bad news, and my never ceasing and intimidating ways are no good for the weak hearted.

The Number

Does the number of one's sexual partners matter to you? I mean say you really dig this person, and you're loving every moment of their company and conversation. Then the topic comes up involving your past relationships, lovers, encounters, sexual escapades. Then they hit you with that million dollar question. I mean you know that your number may be kinda high, so you quickly say, "you answer first!" Then they respond with "3" you're like wtf?! Only 3? You instantly feel horrible, because you know your number is probably 18 times more than that. You still end up telling them though. Does their perception of you change? Will they hold you accountable today for the actions in your past. Will there always be a trust issue in the possible future relationship?

It's true that my past will always be a part of me, but I can honestly say that I am not the same woman I was last year. Or the year before that, and damn sure not the year before that. However, that number I can't escape. I like to keep it honest with people, so if I am pursuing someone, and she asks me what my number is; I tell her. I throw it to the wind, and not even with caution, because that fact is just a itty bitty part of me. Every encounter that I had has gotten me to where I am today. Negative and positive. All walks in life, or in this case lays in life have some type of impact on you. This could be why my mentality to women and sex are severely damaged. Yes, I've slowed down tremendously, but old habits die hard.

Am I embarrassed about my number? Well as we all know, Mica is much to fly to be embarrassed, loll. Seriously though, I'm not embarrassed, but I'm not proud either. I've made countless mistakes with x amount of people. I can't take these temporary moments of passion back. Although, some of them I wish I could, due to the pure wackness of the encounter, loll. But hey, when asked what my number is, I lay it out on the table. For some it may be a hard pill to digest, and some may just view as my history. I've learned to realize that the insecure ones hold my past over my head, and the confident ones could give a damn about my past, because they are in my present.

So if you ask a person what their number is, and the digit(s) are put out there; how do you digest it all?

Vow Of Celibacy??

There are two words that I am highly allergic to, and they are relationship and commitment. I heard both of those words at least 20 times each last night while talking to Champ. I just met this girl not even a week ago, and these words are already being said way too many times. Too many references are being made to "us". My skin is crawling right now just thinking about it. Don't get me wrong, this is a very lovely young lady, and so far she seems to be a cool person. The fact of the matter is, I don¢t know her. Now every time, I say I'm going to do things right, and not sample the goodies, I fail. I am always cool afterwards, because I have that male mentality and I'm able to separate my feelings from sex. On the other hand, most females are not able to do this. Champ is one of them.

Dammit, dammit, dammit! The aftermath is that of dreamy sighs, eyes, and those dreadful references to "us". I do blame myself, because by now I should have learned my lesson. Everybody is not like me, and sex complicates things for most people. Now if I don't call her, or at least halfway acknowledge her like she acknowledges me, I'll be labeled a dog. I would like to get to know this girl, but at a normal pace. Lesbians are getting besides themselves now days, with this speed dating crap. Talk one time on the phone, and then a couple days later they're in a relationship. I can't do it! I've done it before, and it only led to a crash and burn situation. I'm not in the mood for all of that.

Champ may or may not make the cut. That has yet to be determined, since it's only been a short period of time. Mentally, I've already found myself holding back, because I'm not sure if she'll be able to match that. I may be underestimating her though. We shall see though. Yesterday was the first time that I felt bad for talking to someone other than DeeJay. It's hard to be at a stand still for DeeJay though. She lacks so much experience in many areas in life. I know one thing, I have to stop choosing the freak over the angel though. I mean the pleasure only lasts so long. For me, if your mental isn't hitting right, the pleasure only occurs maybe twice, and I'm gone.

I may be reaching far and beyond when I say this, but I think it's time to take a vow of celibacy. Sex only labels me a slime ball and a heart breaker, and an occasional stalker or two. I'm getting too old for this. It's time for me to stop living by the Biggie Motto: "If they head right, Mica there every night." I can do this the right way. I've been working ass backwards in this whole dating thing. Maybe if I get my act right, I won't be so allergic to the words relationship and commitment. I'll welcome them both with open arms.


Blast From The Past!

Last night I got in from work, settled in and started my nightly blog reading and commenting, when I got her call. I hadn't spoken to LeLe in about six months. The last I heard she was in town over the summer, and I made it a point to be missing in action. I'm not sure if I spoke about her in this blog, but this is my ex from way back in the day. We were together for four years; most of the while I was in college. I met her in college, away at Stephen F. Austin, freshman year. She was from Jersey, and I loved her sassy attitude and thick northern accent. The girl was bad, and I was freshly broken into the lesbian world by my 28 yr old lesbian cherry popper, loll. I was OUT, about and ready to get me a girl. That is when I met LeLe, at the ripe age of 18. She claimed to be 17 at the time, and It didn't take much for me to fall in love with her, of course. I needed something to get my mind off the fact that I broke my ex-boyfriend's heart at the time, by switching teams in the middle of the season (how he puts it) loll.

LeLe stole my heart man, and has had this magical power over me every since. We had been through a lot. I mean more than one would think a person like me would go through with anybody. That girl, now woman was the exception to my every rule. This girl made my life, ruined it, and then made it again. I'm not going to go into all of the details, but that was the one relationship that helped form me into the person I am today. Some of the ones who know me, are like "that damn LeLe", loll. I know, because I am a pretty cold hearted person, let them tell it. I am bittersweet about my lessons learned in that relationship. I am happy that I survived the LeLe Chronicles, and I'm happy that I got over the "fuck love" stages and actually loved another after her. When she went back to Jersey, I can't lie and say that I wasn't lost. I had no idea where I would end up in the name of love. I couldn't see any other, but her. I was sick ya'll. I was not the Mica that everyone knows me to be. I got through that though.

She still had that power over me though. Every time she came back from Jersey, I went missing, and everyone knew that LeLe had touchdown in H-town. In some strange way, my heart has never been able to totally release her. I haven't seen her in almost a year, and hadn't talked to her before last night in almost 6 months. It felt very awkward having a conversation with her. Right now she's in a relationship with a 31 yr old woman and seem to be happy. We caught up on what's been going on in our lives for the past 6 months. I almost appreciate the time that we don't speak, because I have control over my feelings and thoughts. I have no question marks swiveling through my mind during conversations with anyone else. I'm at peace, but leave it to LeLe to pop up on the scene and stir the pot. She's a punch spiker, and leaves you with unexplainable and indescribable feelings. I can't stand it.

My blast from the past, who has played the part of my most sweetest addiction and most deadly addiction. I don¢t know when we will speak again, but I pray to GOD she doesn't touchdown in Houston during the Holidays. I may have to flee the city. Seriously.

My Closet Door - Forever Unhinged

Lately there have been quiet a few celebrities coming out of the closet. I mean I guess it's not that much of a surprise once the announcement is made, because some things are just THAT obvious.

Take Clay Aiken for instance, Stevie Wonder could see that he was gay.

Lindsey Lohan has been seeing Samantha Ronson, the DJ for quite some time. Me being gay, I know that most "straight" feminine women who claim to be just "friends" with lesbian butch/stud women, are lying. There is some sort of romantic interest there.

LAS VEGAS - Comedian Wanda Sykes says the passage of a same-sex marriage ban in California has led to her be more outspoken about being gay.

"You know, I don't really talk about my sexual orientation. I didn't feel like I had to. I was just living my life, not necessarily in the closet, but I was living my life," Sykes told a crowd at a gay rights rally in Las Vegas on Saturday.

"Everybody that knows me personally they know I'm gay. But that's the way people should be able to live their lives," she said.

Celebrities have it hard when it comes to leading any type of secretive life. I feel bad for them at times. I mean the money and the fame is great, but it comes with it's own price and sacrifices. Your personal life being one of those sacrifices. Mo' Money, Mo' Problems right? Hell yeah. They can keep that. I value my privacy too much for all of that.

Just this year I saw Wanda Sykes in Bush Intercontinental Airport out here in Houston. I was there to pick up my friend flying in from Florida. I was highly pissed off at the time, because I had been in that airport much too long trying to find her behind, and while standing there looking mad, I saw Wanda Sykes standing right in front of me. She looked different without the extra Hollywood make up, and the power of the digital camera. We caught eye contact and I smiled. I really didn't know what to say. I'm not a star struck kind of gal, so I wasn't like boiling over with excitement. She said "hello" and I returned with a "hello Ms. Sykes." Then she told me not to look so mad, and I just told her that I had been in that stupid airport for almost 2 hours waiting for my friend. She told that she hoped I found her soon before I hurt someone, and that was that. My "gay-dar" did go off though. She didn't look butch or anything, but she just gave off this gay vibe. She wasn't with a woman or anything, but I believe her bodyguard and a couple teenage boys. A few people stopped her once they realized who she was. She was very down to earth, but I imagined that she would be just by seeing her on television.

So now she's confirmed my assumptions. They were wrong for revoking the same sex marriage law in Cali though. So I can understand her and all the other folks anger out there. "You know, I don't really talk about my sexual orientation. I didn't feel like I had to. I was just living my life, not necessarily in the closet, but I was living my life," I really liked this quote, because I am the same way when it comes to my life. I grew up in a family that is very private when it comes to their personal business. So I have not had this whole big "coming out" ceremony with my parents or anyone else for that matter, because I choose to live my life without announcements. I'm not in the closet, but I don't feel the need to yell it out to the world my sexual orientation either. If someone happened to asked, I would tell them the truth, and that includes my family. The thing is, no one ever asks, loll. My parents never will ask either, because we are just that private. As long as I'm doing alright health and financial wise, they feel they don't need to know all that other stuff.

We were talking about the homosexual statistics at the beauty shop this weekend. There are still some ignorant people out there who will never accept homosexuality, just like there are still some people who won't accept black people. Bottom line, the world will forever be ignorant in some way, shape, or form. McCain wouldn't have been able to change that. Obama won't change that, and whoever comes after him will not be able to change it. That's just not in the plan, sorry folks.

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