Wow, what a depressing day. I stayed in my apartment all day; ignoring calls on my house phone and my cell phone. I just wasn't up for anything or anyone today. I watched a couple movies, but my emotions were all out of wack, and it's not even that time of the month. I don't know what is going on with me. I had these frightening urges to be held, to be near family. Not just any family, but family members that are dead and gone. My brother being one of them. It was just an emotional ass day.
It all started last night. I was talking to DeeJay, and we were discussing a blog that she recently wrote about me. The blog made me feel like a monster. She entitled the blog; Always A Bridesmade; Never A Bride.
Always a bridesmaid NEVER a bride... ughhhh. y0u know when women use the term "always a bridesmaid NEVER a bride", I use to laugh. I couldn't relate to that statement. I never really understood the frustration behind the words. ha But now not only do I relate I'm eating those very words. Over the time of about two years Ive became VERY attached to someone. She amazes me..I soak her up like a sponge. I'm so receptive to her, She just might be the realist person Ive ever known. uh my [oldie but goodie] I cant get to her, I cant break through to the notion that I'm just not enough for her... She want so much more than I can give her...Even though I have surrendered my heart to her that in its self still isn't enough.. She is; strong, focused, opinionated,independent,intelligent,stubborn, experienced, mature,a time bomb waiting to go off. I am; Nice, soft spoken, hesitant, RANDOM,clingy,timid,forgetful,the calm after the storm. We are complete opposites, I sometimes have to ask myself why I stick around when it seems the reality is that her and I will NEVER be anymore than what we are now. But Ive worked to hard Ive come to far with her. I love her with everything in no exceptions, its 100% unconditional I pray for her, I think of her through out my day, I keep her close to my heart and carry her in my spirit. But in some ways I just feel invisible. I get passed by...by these random ass females while I patiently and persistently wait in line like go0d fucking Samaritan that I am.. (for the record good girls DO finish last) I'm constantly reminded of how much I lack..It is forever in my head of how much more I need in order to even be considered for the position "As your GIRL" I say I love you and you say its mutual, but its like " I love you but we cannot be" and that hurts more than you ever know. I date and talk and try to meet people rather than sit around and wait for you to see that yes I have flaws but I'm still a good catch, I am as close to heaven as you will ever get, but I guess when your done doing all the fishing in the sea you'll realize I'm not in the water with the rest....I cant swim.....
My mind state right now is on some deuce, deuce shit. Straight up catch 22. For the past 2 years, I knew that I was bad news for this girl. She's an angel, she's fragile, and the last thing I want is for an asshole like me to come along and break her heart. I've been picking the poison over the cure it seems like. That's the human way though. We opt to love what's bad for us. The cure is always right under out noses, or tugging at our hearts. We're good at tuning out the things we don't want to hear, but it's those same things that we need to hear. I use to ask why all the time. Why was I attracting the same type of females? Why could I not find a suitable female? The answer has been banging on my door it seems like for 2 years, but there is so much energy that would have to go into this one. She has a lot to learn, and I made a promise to myself that I would not play the role of the teacher again. It's a lot of headaches and heartaches involved in it all.
I decided that I would want her, my friend, my very good friend happy. I can't say that she'll be happy with me. At this moment in my life, I don't know if anybody will be happy with me. I'm bad news, and my never ceasing and intimidating ways are no good for the weak hearted.
6 readers:
Umhhh mami its hard keeping up with you and your love suitors.
is this the person that you have been spending time with? im so confused.
and for your girl DeeJay. here some advice. it makes no since to try to make someone care for you if the feeling are not there. its likes talking to empty air. yeah person might have some interest but their heart may not be there. I know cause I was there. brought dude all kinds of things, and was desperately trying to prove my love to him but his heart just wasnt into it. he liked me but not the way I felt about him. he told me that I was infatuated with being in love with him. that if I really got to know him i wouldnt be quite so smitten. its true, took me a year to realize that dude was not the one for me. and I was infatuated not in love.
not saying that Reason is not a good person but if she is not feeling you on that level and doesnt want to hurt you then take heed!!! you will save yourself alot of heartache.
Reason you know you are my girl and I thank you for keeping it real. Last thing you want to do is hurt someone who is a good person.
Take it easy mami!!!
Lol, most of the time I'm talking about the same person. I really do appreciate your words. This is something that I have been thinking alot about lately. I do not want to hurt such a nice girl. We've talked about it, and I know we'll be okay. Who knows what the future holds for us, but right now I'm holding on tight to this friendship.
Wow that shit is soo hard, I don't know what anyone could even suggest for that. This girl clearly is infatuated with you and you clearly aren't digging her in the same way. It's a biggie, but you are clearly level headed, and mature enough to know how to handle the situation. Good luck. X
Thank you, because luck I'll need. I think I got it together though.
Sooo. I need you to know I got a bit of an attitude the first time I read through this. DeeJay wrote what seemed to be extremely passionately and I can't imagine a grown woman being that head over heels if she hadn't seen or felt some type of reciprocation. Of course I am going simply by what I'm reading here and don't have all the facts, but could you possibly be leading her on? I can understand wanting to hold on tightly to someone who is a good friend to you, but in this circumstance a friendship may need to resume at a later time. I believe DeeJay needs time to separate her feelings and the friendship. When you feel (or believe you feel) so strongly about a person, simple kindess and mild affection can be taken the wrong way.
Good luck, babes!
Lol why did you have an attitude? Blah. But yeah, I thought about all of that. Putting the friendship on hold for the sake of her feelings, because I do hold them dear to my heart. I have done anything but lead her on, and have explained my side of things to her time and time again. Anyway, everything seems to be under control now.
Thanks ;)
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