I can't believe I'm up right now. I'm going to so pissed in 3 hours when I have to be up for work. I just feel really stupid staying up all of this time waiting for my ex to call me back like she said she would. I always do this. Expect people to do things that they say they are going to do. That has always been a very big issue for me. I know better than anybody that this just leads to great disappointments. Now I'm upset and can't sleep. I know this is really silly of me to expect this from an ex, because she surely isn't obligated to me anymore. I mean she did stuff like this when we were together. *Sigh* I will learn one day.
This next portion may be a little bit too much information for most people, but I don't care. This is my blog and I'm going to write whatever I want to. Another reason why I'm up is because I'm extremely sexually backed up. This is another thing that I was expecting tonight, and is yet another disappointment. I've been really good since July and haven't done anything at all. I'm a very sexual person and the feelings are controlled solely through mental stimulation. I've stressed this to my ex so many times and it just didn't seem to happen. Everyone is different and when it comes to sex I am very picky with it. It's always easy to lay someone the very first time, because its a total mental game. That is when you're getting into the mind of someone for the very first time. The mental foreplay is out of this world, if that person is capable of holding some sort of intellectual conversation. However, after that first time for me; the mental stimulation bar is raised. Something else has to be done or said for me to keep coming back for more. Sometimes, people get mentally lazy though and just expect the sex to come naturally. Not with me. You have to keep stimulating my mind and stroking that sexual ego, or it's a dud for me. I guess this is why my list is so long. I'm not proud of that, but that is a department I get very bored with very fast if my needs are not met mentally. Another one of my life's catch 22's.
So here I am up, mentally and sexually frustrated. Sleep has lost this battle. I have alot of thinking to do and a few decisions to make now. I won't go into such details in this blog, but will wait until I make those decisions and lay them out thereafter. This is something that I cannot do anymore. Wait up for someone else, no matter who it is. Its been made official that people will do what they want to do when they want to do at their own convenience. Being considerate and doing the right thing in my eyes is something that is often looked over by most people I deal with. Oh well, such is life right? A major event that is full of disappointments, trial and error. Well I'm going back to try and find the light in the darkness of my room. Goodmorning.
My Heart Is Still Smiling
You know how sometimes you set out to accomplish a task and you put your all into it, and it just doesn’t work out? Well that’s what I’ve been doing all of this time since the last time that I wrote a blog here. I was taking on a task and a major responsibility in trust, love, honesty and loyalty. However this task could have only been accomplished with the help of two people. I set mini goals for myself in learning to accept, be patient and forgive. I succeeded at those goals too. I’m proud of myself and the friends who know me best have noticed the changes that I’ve mad as well. I didn’t only make these changes for me, but in the name of love for my girlfriend.
In every relationship you need that 50/50 responsibility. But we all know that the rarity in actually getting such a request honored. It’s usually one mate that is going the extra mile to preserve the relationship and taking the extra steps in communication and bowing out in grace to keep the peace. This is all great, until that mate gets tired. They realize that their kindness is being taken for weakness and that their love is being taken advantage of. It’s not fair and it hurts. I was honest and true to my lover. I didn’t cheat, I didn’t lie and I would have done anything for her. Because of her own issues; she accused me of cheating and lying and being a bad person. I was disrespected constantly and just yesterday I was called out of my name so many times and all of those insults and dirty slurs were coming out of the mouth of the woman who claimed she loved me. Did I retort back with insults? No. That’s not how I operate. When I say I love someone, I mean it and I still love her, even after all of the damage that she’s done to herself. She lost a good woman. I know that I can’t believe anything that she’s told me in the name of love in the past, because they were all lies. She is a liar and the real cheat. I forgive her though. I forgive her a million times over and I hope that the demons within her are knocked off, because she deserves so much more than what she’s giving herself. I just know that for me, I had to get out of that relationship, because it was not fair to me. I didn’t come this far in my womanhood to be mistreated and stepped over. I did the right thing and I am proud of remaining who I am after the smoke has cleared. However, when your heart is pure and your intentions are good and they are still being looked over, sometimes you just have to let it go. That’s what I had to do. I had to let everything go for the last time.
Do I think I’m stupid for giving so many chances and turning the cheek so many times? No. I don’t regret any of my choices one bit. I’m happy that all of this happened, and I think that it is the only reason why I’m not so heartbroken. Before I met her, I took a lot of time to condition my heart. I took that REAL ME TIME that everyone should take after a major heartache. I built myself up and equipped myself for the next round in the ring of love. I knew there was a possibility that I would be punched, kicked, bit and spat on, but my armor guarded me from all of that. I wasn’t completely untouchable, because I dropped more than a few tears in pain, but I’m human. I am happy, because I know now that I am still capable in being in a committed relationship with someone and actually being a good girlfriend. At one point in my life, I lost all hope in love and being in love. I never wanted to know the feeling again. I wanted to be by myself for the rest of my life. But after meeting this woman; I saw that love still resided within me. And after this woman, it still resides within me. Now that I’ve gone through another one of life’s lessons, I am much more ready for woman that is truly meant to be in my life. Sometimes we have to go through things and use situations and people as stepping stones to get to our real treasure.
I realize how awful I was to some of the ladies in my past and I have gone to a couple of them and apologized for my actions. You know what though? They forgave me a long time ago and they still love me. I was able to teach them lessons in life and they are a better person because of me. It’s a bitter sweet situation. They have recognized the changes in me and are proud of me as well. My journey in love is not over. I have a little more conditioning to do before I make my next stop and that’s what I plan to do. Maybe the few women that I’ve been ignoring all of this time for the likes of my ex can have a chance now. It’s funny how everyone sees how someone may not be good for you, but you’re totally blinded by the illusion of love and you don’t see it yourself. I see it now and thank GOD I came out of this one with an intact heart and in good spirits.
In every relationship you need that 50/50 responsibility. But we all know that the rarity in actually getting such a request honored. It’s usually one mate that is going the extra mile to preserve the relationship and taking the extra steps in communication and bowing out in grace to keep the peace. This is all great, until that mate gets tired. They realize that their kindness is being taken for weakness and that their love is being taken advantage of. It’s not fair and it hurts. I was honest and true to my lover. I didn’t cheat, I didn’t lie and I would have done anything for her. Because of her own issues; she accused me of cheating and lying and being a bad person. I was disrespected constantly and just yesterday I was called out of my name so many times and all of those insults and dirty slurs were coming out of the mouth of the woman who claimed she loved me. Did I retort back with insults? No. That’s not how I operate. When I say I love someone, I mean it and I still love her, even after all of the damage that she’s done to herself. She lost a good woman. I know that I can’t believe anything that she’s told me in the name of love in the past, because they were all lies. She is a liar and the real cheat. I forgive her though. I forgive her a million times over and I hope that the demons within her are knocked off, because she deserves so much more than what she’s giving herself. I just know that for me, I had to get out of that relationship, because it was not fair to me. I didn’t come this far in my womanhood to be mistreated and stepped over. I did the right thing and I am proud of remaining who I am after the smoke has cleared. However, when your heart is pure and your intentions are good and they are still being looked over, sometimes you just have to let it go. That’s what I had to do. I had to let everything go for the last time.
Do I think I’m stupid for giving so many chances and turning the cheek so many times? No. I don’t regret any of my choices one bit. I’m happy that all of this happened, and I think that it is the only reason why I’m not so heartbroken. Before I met her, I took a lot of time to condition my heart. I took that REAL ME TIME that everyone should take after a major heartache. I built myself up and equipped myself for the next round in the ring of love. I knew there was a possibility that I would be punched, kicked, bit and spat on, but my armor guarded me from all of that. I wasn’t completely untouchable, because I dropped more than a few tears in pain, but I’m human. I am happy, because I know now that I am still capable in being in a committed relationship with someone and actually being a good girlfriend. At one point in my life, I lost all hope in love and being in love. I never wanted to know the feeling again. I wanted to be by myself for the rest of my life. But after meeting this woman; I saw that love still resided within me. And after this woman, it still resides within me. Now that I’ve gone through another one of life’s lessons, I am much more ready for woman that is truly meant to be in my life. Sometimes we have to go through things and use situations and people as stepping stones to get to our real treasure.
I realize how awful I was to some of the ladies in my past and I have gone to a couple of them and apologized for my actions. You know what though? They forgave me a long time ago and they still love me. I was able to teach them lessons in life and they are a better person because of me. It’s a bitter sweet situation. They have recognized the changes in me and are proud of me as well. My journey in love is not over. I have a little more conditioning to do before I make my next stop and that’s what I plan to do. Maybe the few women that I’ve been ignoring all of this time for the likes of my ex can have a chance now. It’s funny how everyone sees how someone may not be good for you, but you’re totally blinded by the illusion of love and you don’t see it yourself. I see it now and thank GOD I came out of this one with an intact heart and in good spirits.
You Gotta Be Kidding Me
I have never laughed so hard in all of my damn life. I will leave it at that. You know, I have been called a bitch a many a time. I've been called vindictive, spiteful and sneaky. I can't even lie and say that I was never any of the above. I know my words have a power like none other. And sometimes I do use my talent to my advantage, I won't lie about it. However, people fail to realize that when they do me wrong, I voice my opinion. I'm a writer and I write my feelings down. I have a way of putting them like you wouldn't believe. BUT, when I voice my opinion, I'm wrong. I can be called out of my name, ignored, tossed to the curb multiple times, but when I post one blog voicing MY feelings; I'm wrong! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!
"Girl you have got to pursue your writing. You can obviously bring about more change that Barack Obama" - My greatest friend Ma Kisses.
Lmaoooooooooooooo!!!!! Mica always has to bite her tounge for the likes of other people. Fuck all that man. I'm tired of being nice to unworthy people. Now folks wanna play the victim role. Well join the damn club. We're ALL victims. WE ALL LIVE IN HELL!! I get idle threats about having all my shit aired out on AMERICA ONLINE. "Are you kidding me?!" LMAOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
AOL?!! Really? I could do the same thing, but what for? No one cares. We're not celebrities. Nobody on AOL knows me and they never will. Man I've heard it all for one day. I will declare this as the funniest day of my damn life.
Thanks. My ass is on the floor; detached from my damn body.
Cover Girl - End "Game"
My heart is so pushing to be spiteful, hateful and willing to seek revenge on the person that dogged me out. I have been trying so hard to work on myself and be humble in my persona. Trying to be patient and understanding toward people and accept them for who they are. More importantly who they were before I stepped into the picture. I am anything but a selfish lover, but I can't seem to find anyone who is NOT a selfish lover. I alter myself to fit into their worlds without bringing too much discomfort into their lives. My efforts always go unnoticed and I'm still dogged out. Why try? Why be what people expect me to be; only to have them turn around and treat me like shit? I mean I'm screaming and they refuse to hear what I'm saying. It's all about them and how they feel. I was caught in a catch 22. When I said, I will let her be who she is and do what she wants to do, because she has every right to do so; I was told I didn’t care. When I listened to my heart and acted in unison with it and voiced my feelings and concerns; I was stepped on and walked over. So what is one to do when she's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't? Either retreat or suffer defeat. I'm sick of attempting to put my all into these worthless females. Cover page women. The outside design is so nice and welcoming. That is until you turn the page and you see all of their fucked up ways and mindsets. Reason being why I never kept one female. It's not worth it. I was all set and ready to go into a committed relationship with someone I've never even seen before. Silly me huh? Well, I was listening to my heart, so don't judge me on that one. I take my heart seriously, but I guess when my heart skipped a beat; it became deaf and blind to the fact that this woman was capable of taking it and smashing it on the ground. All while not giving a damn. Which proves that sometimes "love" just isn't enough. It takes work; HARD WORK on both parts. One person should never be working harder than the other in a relationship or in our case persuing a relationship. She had a lot of good qualities, but the major ones needed she lacked. I can't hold on to shit by my damn self. I always felt I was playing the role of the "hero" as usual. Hell, even she told me that once before. Damn, when can I be saved? Do I always have to be the bigger person and take everything on my back? Everything is Mica's fault and is always turned on Mica. She always made fun of me for "taking too long" to take the next step. If I didn't have common sense, I would've BEEN taken that step. Flew head first off a cliff to my death. I knew we were BOTH not ready though and she proved that wayyyyy too many times.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You may be somewhat anxious today because the Moon in moody Cancer can highlight how uncomfortable you are with your feelings. But your emotions can be the source of strength if you don't try to avoid or deny them. Instead of closing down your sensitive perceptions, try to develop your spiritual perspective by focusing on your long-term goals.
My long term goal is to continue on this journey 100% happy with myself in hopes of finding a mate that is 100% happy with themselves. I want to continue to be a great communicator and find someone who shares in the same skills as I in that highly important task. I have so many things in my life that I want to accomplish and I have no problem doing them alone. I've been alone all of this time and I was just fine with that. I got a chance to see what it feels like to have someone there that I was perusing and putting my trust into. It felt good; then again, it always does in the beginning. People that I cared about warned me of this crash and burn destiny, and once again; they were right. I do deserve to be treated better than what I was and I do not need to waste my time on another unstable female. She told me that I don't deserve better and that I had the best. If I had a penny for how many times I've heard that shit, from the SAME women who decided to blatantly ignore me; man I'd be rolling in the dough. Oh how people contradict themselves so! Since when did double standards become OKAY? I guess I missed the memo. Anyway, I have too much going for myself to be held down emotionally and wasting my time on a hopeless cause. Too many fish in the sea right? Loll, right.
"Yes you did have the best. You didn’t want me anymore. I was too flawed for you. Lets see you find someone better. I can't wait to see who she is." - Well in the words of Tamia; HER NAME IS ME and baby it don't get no better than that! Dig it!
"Your games are old" - Lmaooo!! Apparently, I was much too serious. I won't even attack her character though and I'll be nice for once.
I wish that woman the best in her personal life. I know she is use to being who she is and getting away with doing what she does. Hey, who am I to stop her? I hope that she finds someone who is willing to put up with that. That's not my job. She was placed into my life for a reason and that reason was to see that love still does live inside of my heart. I am still capable of loving someone with all of me and meaning it. I thought that part of me was dead for so long. I know now that I am still equipped with the tools to be in a committed relationship; even if her and I never got to that step. I am not giving up on my journey in love. I'm not looking for it, but I know that it will come around when the time is right. Until then, I will continue to love myself and stay true to myself in my own life. God has brought me a long way from the girl that I use to be. I committed emotional suicide so many times behind failed attempts at love. Now that I am the woman I am today, I know what it is that I want and deserve in a lover. I went 4 years being dogged out by a girl and yes it did a number on me, but I stood up from that.
My heart is now conditioned properly and I needed this experience to bring it all on home for me. So no love is lost and no hard feelings to the woman who took me to the next step in my journey. I hope that she learned something from all of this as well. I stuck my foot in my mouth in pervious blogs regarding this same woman. I said goodbye a few times now and did not mean it. I hadn't learned my lesson and kept going back. She didn't change for a reason. God was trying to get me to see a point. Well I hear you loud and clear Lord. Thank you. I am thankful that I wasn't so deep into this that the déjà vu feeling had me down and out like it once had me years ago. I close this case with a happy and intact heart, a humble spirit and a smile on my face. I have no idea how she feels about me at this point and I do know that it is none of my concern any longer. People have a lot of perceptions of Tamica Nicole, but none of them will ever know the struggles I've gone through to truly become who I am. These females seem to have me TWSISTED. I would end this with screw them and their perceptions, but I'll be nice and end it with peace and love.
Truth of the matter is; this cover girl was no different than the rest. Now she's being replaced.
I Can't Do It Alone
I can't believe I was just sitting here trying to organize my feelings into a poetic stanza. There's no way. I've never claimed to be a poet, because I always find myself having too much to say to limit myself to a verse or two. When it comes to the way I'm feeling right now; words can't really express how discombobulated my thoughts are. I'm floating in dangerous waters. It's so beautiful here though. The fears in my heart have me paranoid, thinking that a hammerhead shark will come and tear me to pieces at any given moment. I'll end up bleeding internally again with my heart brutally injured. More wounds that only time and faith can heal.
I do want to be with this woman, because she's proved to be the best thing that has walked into my life in a long time. I can name all the pros and cons and on some days the cons are healthier than the pros, but I still love her. She already has the ability to hurt my heart, because she just did it today and I'm not going to lie it scared me even more. I just want to get her to understand that it's not okay to keep stepping over me as if I'm nothing, because she doesn't agree with something. Communication seems to be our biggest issue. I try so damn hard to communicate with her in a civil manner, but she insists on seeing things her way and her way only. I have to remain patient until I can calm her down enough to actually talk to me. I have to be honest and say I don't want to have to do that every single time. It's not fair. I want us to work together and accept one another's weaknesses. I'm not asking her to be a crutch for me to lean on, because I've been doing just fine by myself all of this time. But in any relationship there will be some help needed.
At this point in time, I trust her to be who she is. She's been just that since the first day I met her. She has not changed on me. There is no mask that she's wearing and what I see is what I get. She is something else and I want to help her to understand that we are in this together and that I cannot fight these battles we create alone. She's kicking my ass man. Then she picks me back up and nurses my wounds. I always knew that I needed a woman to keep me off of my high horse, out of the clouds and in complete touch with reality, but damn man. This is rough. She is something I've never experienced before in my life. She's my greatest challenge. She's my best thing. She is now the reason why I cry. The reason why I smile. The reason why I laugh. The reason why I get angry. The reason why I'm proud. The reason why I can't sleep. The reason why I can't eat. The reason why I plan. The reason why I stand. The reason I am who I am. She is love. She is my love and I love her.
We both have some work to do before we take that big step. I would like to place it all on me, but after today; I do see that we have a few more hurdles to jump and a few more test to pass. I'm not going into another relationship blinded. I can't do it. I refuse to do it. We are going to make this thing work. We are going to make the necessary changes in order to work together and not against one another. It will take patience, faith and endurance. I hope that she will stick around for it. She says that I'm the one with my foot outside the door, but she's always the one to run through it first and is so quick to slam that same door in my face. The day that we BOTH accept one another and trust the love that is being built; causing us NOT to run away so quickly, is the day that I know we're both ready.
I want her to understand that I am not her enemy and that her best interest is deeply embedded in my heart. Every time we have a disagreement does not mean the end of is. It is like a dose of steroids that will only make us stronger as we BOTH push through it. I'm not her to kick at her, scream at her and disrespect her. I'm here to love her for her. I want her to do the same for me. There is no need to bring a gun to a butter knife fight. She aims to kill when she's mad, when all it will take is some simple communication. Today was the first time she shot me. I didn't see it coming. I wasn't even equipped with a weapon. The shit hurt man. I haven't cried over a female in so long!!!! It didn't feel good. I asked her did she want me to just let her be, because I do understand that it's not fair for me to hold her here against her will. If there is someone better out there for her, I want her to be happy with them. She apologized and said she would work with me. I pray to God that she does. Because I can't take that again. I've pulled her by the arm back into the door too many times already. I want her glue her feet to the floor and do not move no matter what.
*sigh. I could go on and on about this woman, but I'm going to stop here. I have a long journey ahead of me and I'm going to face it. Fears and all. I've said I was afraid all of this time, but not once have I turned my back fully on it. Hope she opens her mind and heart and realizes this.
I do want to be with this woman, because she's proved to be the best thing that has walked into my life in a long time. I can name all the pros and cons and on some days the cons are healthier than the pros, but I still love her. She already has the ability to hurt my heart, because she just did it today and I'm not going to lie it scared me even more. I just want to get her to understand that it's not okay to keep stepping over me as if I'm nothing, because she doesn't agree with something. Communication seems to be our biggest issue. I try so damn hard to communicate with her in a civil manner, but she insists on seeing things her way and her way only. I have to remain patient until I can calm her down enough to actually talk to me. I have to be honest and say I don't want to have to do that every single time. It's not fair. I want us to work together and accept one another's weaknesses. I'm not asking her to be a crutch for me to lean on, because I've been doing just fine by myself all of this time. But in any relationship there will be some help needed.
At this point in time, I trust her to be who she is. She's been just that since the first day I met her. She has not changed on me. There is no mask that she's wearing and what I see is what I get. She is something else and I want to help her to understand that we are in this together and that I cannot fight these battles we create alone. She's kicking my ass man. Then she picks me back up and nurses my wounds. I always knew that I needed a woman to keep me off of my high horse, out of the clouds and in complete touch with reality, but damn man. This is rough. She is something I've never experienced before in my life. She's my greatest challenge. She's my best thing. She is now the reason why I cry. The reason why I smile. The reason why I laugh. The reason why I get angry. The reason why I'm proud. The reason why I can't sleep. The reason why I can't eat. The reason why I plan. The reason why I stand. The reason I am who I am. She is love. She is my love and I love her.
We both have some work to do before we take that big step. I would like to place it all on me, but after today; I do see that we have a few more hurdles to jump and a few more test to pass. I'm not going into another relationship blinded. I can't do it. I refuse to do it. We are going to make this thing work. We are going to make the necessary changes in order to work together and not against one another. It will take patience, faith and endurance. I hope that she will stick around for it. She says that I'm the one with my foot outside the door, but she's always the one to run through it first and is so quick to slam that same door in my face. The day that we BOTH accept one another and trust the love that is being built; causing us NOT to run away so quickly, is the day that I know we're both ready.
I want her to understand that I am not her enemy and that her best interest is deeply embedded in my heart. Every time we have a disagreement does not mean the end of is. It is like a dose of steroids that will only make us stronger as we BOTH push through it. I'm not her to kick at her, scream at her and disrespect her. I'm here to love her for her. I want her to do the same for me. There is no need to bring a gun to a butter knife fight. She aims to kill when she's mad, when all it will take is some simple communication. Today was the first time she shot me. I didn't see it coming. I wasn't even equipped with a weapon. The shit hurt man. I haven't cried over a female in so long!!!! It didn't feel good. I asked her did she want me to just let her be, because I do understand that it's not fair for me to hold her here against her will. If there is someone better out there for her, I want her to be happy with them. She apologized and said she would work with me. I pray to God that she does. Because I can't take that again. I've pulled her by the arm back into the door too many times already. I want her glue her feet to the floor and do not move no matter what.
*sigh. I could go on and on about this woman, but I'm going to stop here. I have a long journey ahead of me and I'm going to face it. Fears and all. I've said I was afraid all of this time, but not once have I turned my back fully on it. Hope she opens her mind and heart and realizes this.
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