Can You Hear Me Now?

I'm suppose to be on this sabattical. Taking my break from the outside world. If only I could stay away from the earthlings; I would. However, I still have to make a living and pay bills. I have this intellectual void that needs to be filled. My good friend no longer has time for me; so those conversations that could only be held with her have come to an end. Don't know what's going on with The Black Experience meet up group, but that was suppose to be another way to give my brain a bath. Who knows. I haven't really been talking to anyone. The person I have been talking to is really giving me this touch and go blues. I don't dare waste my intellectual thoughts on her. I already feel like most of my words are vanishing in thin air as it is. It's really dsappointing. I'm use to people being thouroughly interested in me. Interested in what my beliefs are. Interested in what makes me tick. Interested in what I feel about current events. I'm use to brain teasing converstaions. Most of our conversations revolve around her. I just sit back and listen. I can only hope that my responses to her will be fully heard.

I haven't been writing hardly anything. I'm use to ones that are actually interested in me, to ask "hey why haven't you wrote anything lately?" "Have you wrote today?" "I'm missing something here, link me to your latest blog." I don't get that from her. She's super caught up in her own world. She' in love with the idea of me. She loves the fact that I am here. But just because a person is on the phone or in your presense doesn't mean that they are all there. My personaltily won't allow me to throw everything out in the open. I don't like things being ALL about me, this is why I ask questions. I show my interest and I ask the whys and hows. I prove with my actions that I am interested in the person I'm with. I don't know, I just feel incompaitable right now. Like I don't fit. I keep hoping that this feeling will vanish, but as the days go by; it's only the same scenario. A ounce of me is living in her world. My thing is, will she ever thirst for more? Or has she overdosed on that little bit? Can she not handle anymore?

I don't like feeling like an attention whore, because I'm not. I'm just a person who is use to being studied by the mentally intrigued. So I'm waiting. Am I just waiting for her to get bored? Am I waiting for myself to get bored, because even though it rarely happens to me; I do get bored. I get bored when my brain is in park. I get bored when I'm not learning anything more. I get bored when the information highway is not directing two-way traffic. My interest starts to wander. The intellectual becomes a magnet to my attention, and up and away I go. I do need this girl to show, and give me more. I am finding myself demanding it and my words falling upon deaf ears. However, things like this no one should demand. I can't make anybody show interest in me, loll. That's insane. Either it's there or it isn't. 2009 is suppose to be my year of not settling. However, I can't help but to feel like I started off the year doing just that.

I get these "Mica I want to get in your head" requests everyday, but it's not coming from the one I need it to come from. Gosh, I feel obsolete in this girl's world. The communication is off, the understanding is questionable, the beliefs are unspoken, and it's all making the future very blurry. As I tell her more often than not, I'll stick around for as much as I can take.