Year's End:Year's Beginning - New Directon for Love

Here we are, another year has ended, and another year has begun. This past year in love has been very disappointing for me. More illusions, more impostors, and more parodies of the real thing. In which, I haven't got a chance to experience again. Although, I didn't get where I wanted to get in love this past year; it wasn't a complete failure. I learned a lot. Many lessons came about from what was and what could've been. I lost a lot of time, money and energy on some very unworthy and ungrateful people. These facts I cannot change, and if anything, they taught me not to settle for less. I lowered my standards something serious last year. Not just in love, but in many situations in my life. I refuse to do that this year. This will require me leaving things and people in the dust. I'm still facing reality, but I'm facing it with a different mindset. No longer am I facing it in fear.

This year I plan to take love in a totally different direction. It's love for myself above all else. I'm one who has been known to get lost in love. Distracted in love. I've been known to be no good in love. I lose all sense of what's REAL. I vowed to never do that again after my last relationship. I've chosen not to rush this love thing. I'm in a situation right now; where I feel like I can't get what I want. This is only God's way of telling me that I don't NEED it right now. I hear Him loud and clear. I've decided to redirect my focus. I have so many things I want to accomplish in life. I can't put them on hold for love anymore. I've been worrying about the wrong things and the wrong people for quite some time now. Some might consider my new direction as being somewhat of a silent ultimatum, and that's okay. I'm making major choices for myself this year, and it's going to be up to those around me if they want to be in my life or not. I'm honestly not letting that be a concern of mine anymore. People come and they go, and those who choose to go; were never meant to be here longer than the amount of time they were anyway.

The wheels are set in motion. I have to make a difference this year. I want that ever lasting feeling. I want to stand tall on solid grounds. I want to strengthen the roots holding up my tree of life. I want to branch out. I want to learn more and more as the seasons change around me. No more talking.....just time to get the ball rolling. Oh and if you love me like you say you so; make sure you don't let me roll right pass you.

In The Blink of an Eye

I blinked and there you were

standing right before me

with a smile upside down

a heart pieced together

a spirit as light as a feather

a beauty in my eyes

a treasure in my mind

I blinked and there you were

a dream it had to be

with a smile bright as the sun

a heart with all voids filled

a spirit that could change a life

my life

a beauty in my eyes

a treasure in my mind

I blinked and there you were

a lie it had to be

with a frown so ugly

a heart so cold

a spirit so evil it damage a soul

my soul

still a beauty in my eyes

a treasure lost in my mind

I blinked and there you went

an illusion it was

my smile now upside down

my heart left in pieces

a spirit gone in a downward spiral

a fool in my own eyes

a treasure stolen from my own mind

Another One Bites The Dust

I'm truly embarrassed to post this blog, because my track record is getting quite lengthy when it comes to failed relationships. I took yet another chance on love, and it slapped me in the face. I can't say it really hurt this time though. Either I've grown immune to loss of love, or this go round was really in truly a complete act of God and my advancement in life period.

I wondered what the outcome would be in a Aquarius Vs. Aquarius relationship. Operation -#EPICFAIL! I had hope in the longevity of the relationship despite the constant differences and belief systems. I feel like when there are two adults involved; anything can be worked out. However, if only one of you finds worth in the work, then it really doesn't matter how hard you try. It's funny how quickly things change. I was no longer a priority in the end. All ties of communication were lost, and all of my calls seemed to go ignored. Blame it on what? Our hectic schedules and demanding jobs? I'm a strong believer in that fact, that people make time for what they truly want to. Love in the eighties with this one wasn't all I cracked it up to be.

Most of our obstacles would melt away if, instead of cowering before them, we should make up our minds to walk boldly through them.

- Orison Swett Marden

Obstacles can't be walked through alone. It's a sad situation when one mate gives up. That leaves all responsibility in carrying the relationship on the other mate. Its then that it becomes unfair. This is where the communication should come into play. If one grows weary, then it should be voiced. If one feels like they can't go on, then it should be voiced. No need to start with the lies, no need to avoid your lover, and no need to bury yourself in invisible work. Operation - keep it real should've been in full effect! Instead we started to play a game of hide and go seek. I couldn't find my love anymore. She turned off all the lights in her heart, and left me in the dark. I was left guessing, wishing and hoping that the opportunity would come back around to rekindle our flame. The sad fact is, the relationship was over way before I decided to hand back my keys.

Facing the situation like a real woman would've been respected and appreciated. Instead the hiding continued. Instead of the president facing the press, the secretary of defense stepped in and looked me in the eye. How cowardly is that? I still haven't spoken to the president to this day, and that's a damn shame. But when guilt and shame take over face value; I can see why hiding would be a better option. I'm a complete asshole. I'm detached. I show little or no emotion at times. I'm unaffectionate 80% of the time. I'm blunt and I tend not to spare feelings. I'm arrogant. I'm a loner. I'm spoiled rotten. This is just to name a few of my flaws. I'm an extremely hard person to learn, and an even harder person to deal with. However, I was everything that I said I was from the very beginning. All of my cards were laid out on the table face up. There were no secrets and no masks, but yet again; I couldn't say that about my mate.

I pray for her though, and her well being. I'm ignoring the rumors about the things were conveniently not shared with while in the relationship. I've never been one to take the word of another who isn't involved in the situation anyway. I've thrown it all in God's hands with all my other problems. I'm not equipped to deal with the weak-hearted, and one who can't face their own issues. So I got to move on. "Don't let anyone validate your happiness" are words that definitely need to be practiced by the one preaching it. Trust and believe I am one tough act to follow, and my presence will be one that will be desired for the rest of your life. I was built to change the life of every person that I embrace. My voice is not one that carries, and not one that is always heard. It's my silence that that bounces off the walls, and it's my words that linger. I wonder if she can hear me now? Too bad she couldn't be there to hear my say goodbye.

P.S. - I promise I'm not gassing up the next one until she ultimately proves herself dammit! Having a handful of failed relationships is NOT a good look. My sis always told me "Tamica, you sureee know how to pick em'!" and she ain't lying!

In Love With A Lie - How Far Would You Go?

How far would you go if you found out that your boyfriend/girlfriend for x amount of months/years was engaged to someone else? Would you sulk into a deep tunnel; never to come out and face the world again? Would you suck it up and charge it to the game as a loss in love? Or would you seek revenge and take that muthafucka for all he/she is worth?


Finding out you're being cheated on is a hard pill to swallow. So many emotions roaring at once, and any decision that’s made could change your love life forever. In how you handle your current love and how you handle your love in the future. I've been in the "I'm being cheated on" boat, and I can't say that I made the right decisions regarding my action. I'm a hot head so you already know I got my Waiting to Exhale on, and did my damage. I was on some real fuck a bitch shit for a long time! I didn't trust anybody, and I didn't want to see love if it knocked on my door with $10 million dollars in it's hand. I was fed up!


It's crazy how easy it is for people to lie and lead these double lives. Using the word love in vain means nothing to some people. They can treat you like the queen or king of the universe, but can be treating someone else the same exact way on the other side of town. TRAGIC! But when the shit hits the fan, and the gig is up…omg! What to do, what to do?!


So here I am this morning trying to comfort a friend of mine going through this same exact thing. After giving her all to a man, and putting so much on the line for what she thought was the love of her life; she finds out he is engaged. Thinking he was on a business trip in New York, she receives a call from his Fiancé asking who she was to him. Goodness! Talk about having your heart sink to your ASS! Dude is living with my friend, and all of his stuff is in her house where she pays the bills. Do you THINK this man would have anything left if he had the nerve to show up at my doorstep again? HA! I think NOT! The clothes, jewelry, brand new TV, toothbrush and draws would all be mine! I'd be in that leasing office so fast to change those locks; you wouldn't believe it! I'd dare him to bust a move too! But that's just me. You're not about to play me 100% and get away with it. My friend on the other hand is more kinder and gentler soul than I. Boy, do I feel bad for her. I just keep telling her that God will bless her, and karma will be giving him a visit very soon.

You also have to look at what you've done in the relationship as well. Just because your secrets haven't fallen out of the closet doesn't make you innocent. God sees all things, and brings all things to the light at some point. So while seeking revenge and crying your heart out; what dirt did you do? This just could be karma bitting you in the ass first!

Not Again...

I think someone just died inside of my mind. I think the only way to get past this situation that just happened is to pretend that the other party never existed. I have a bad feeling in my gut that is telling me that I've been lied to for the past couple of months. That this person is not who she says she is and that so forth. Too many odd things happen and they happen at convenient moments. Something just doesn't add up. All of a suddent phones are off and I'm blocked every way possible in communication to this woman who just told me she loved me yesterday. The woman who just told me she was still very interested in knowing all about me and wanted to preview my novel; only to have her pull this stunt 20 minutes later with no words being spoken. I hope she is smart and never in her life tries to contact me again. She no longer exsists in my world. She is no longer breathing and her face has been replaced with a blurry smudge.

I've been having these deja vu feelings every since I met her and now they are starting to come into play for real now. I know I'll be up most of the night working my computer skill magic and getting down to the bottom of this before I completely kill her off in my head. Lol, I can't believe this is happening to me again. Lmaoo!!! Let the games begin.

Cover Girl - End "Game"

My heart is so pushing to be spiteful, hateful and willing to seek revenge on the person that dogged me out. I have been trying so hard to work on myself and be humble in my persona. Trying to be patient and understanding toward people and accept them for who they are. More importantly who they were before I stepped into the picture. I am anything but a selfish lover, but I can't seem to find anyone who is NOT a selfish lover. I alter myself to fit into their worlds without bringing too much discomfort into their lives. My efforts always go unnoticed and I'm still dogged out. Why try? Why be what people expect me to be; only to have them turn around and treat me like shit? I mean I'm screaming and they refuse to hear what I'm saying. It's all about them and how they feel. I was caught in a catch 22.

When I said, I will let her be who she is and do what she wants to do, because she has every right to do so; I was told I didn’t care. When I listened to my heart and acted in unison with it and voiced my feelings and concerns; I was stepped on and walked over. So what is one to do when she's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't? Either retreat or suffer defeat. I'm sick of attempting to put my all into these worthless females. Cover page women. The outside design is so nice and welcoming. That is until you turn the page and you see all of their fucked up ways and mindsets. Reason being why I never kept one female. It's not worth it. I was all set and ready to go into a committed relationship with someone I've never even seen before. Silly me huh? Well, I was listening to my heart, so don't judge me on that one. I take my heart seriously, but I guess when my heart skipped a beat; it became deaf and blind to the fact that this woman was capable of taking it and smashing it on the ground. All while not giving a damn. Which proves that sometimes "love" just isn't enough. It takes work; HARD WORK on both parts. One person should never be working harder than the other in a relationship or in our case persuing a relationship. She had a lot of good qualities, but the major ones needed she lacked. I can't hold on to shit by my damn self. I always felt I was playing the role of the "hero" as usual. Hell, even she told me that once before. Damn, when can I be saved? Do I always have to be the bigger person and take everything on my back? Everything is Mica's fault and is always turned on Mica. She always made fun of me for "taking too long" to take the next step. If I didn't have common sense, I would've BEEN taken that step. Flew head first off a cliff to my death. I knew we were BOTH not ready though and she proved that wayyyyy too many times.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)

You may be somewhat anxious today because the Moon in moody Cancer can highlight how uncomfortable you are with your feelings. But your emotions can be the source of strength if you don't try to avoid or deny them. Instead of closing down your sensitive perceptions, try to develop your spiritual perspective by focusing on your long-term goals.

My long term goal is to continue on this journey 100% happy with myself in hopes of finding a mate that is 100% happy with themselves. I want to continue to be a great communicator and find someone who shares in the same skills as I in that highly important task. I have so many things in my life that I want to accomplish and I have no problem doing them alone. I've been alone all of this time and I was just fine with that. I got a chance to see what it feels like to have someone there that I was perusing and putting my trust into. It felt good; then again, it always does in the beginning. People that I cared about warned me of this crash and burn destiny, and once again; they were right. I do deserve to be treated better than what I was and I do not need to waste my time on another unstable female. She told me that I don't deserve better and that I had the best. If I had a penny for how many times I've heard that shit, from the SAME women who decided to blatantly ignore me; man I'd be rolling in the dough. Oh how people contradict themselves so! Since when did double standards become OKAY? I guess I missed the memo. Anyway, I have too much going for myself to be held down emotionally and wasting my time on a hopeless cause. Too many fish in the sea right? Loll, right.

"Yes you did have the best. You didn’t want me anymore. I was too flawed for you. Lets see you find someone better. I can't wait to see who she is." - Well in the words of Tamia; HER NAME IS ME and baby it don't get no better than that! Dig it!

"Your games are old" - Lmaooo!! Apparently, I was much too serious. I won't even attack her character though and I'll be nice for once.

I wish that woman the best in her personal life. I know she is use to being who she is and getting away with doing what she does. Hey, who am I to stop her? I hope that she finds someone who is willing to put up with that. That's not my job. She was placed into my life for a reason and that reason was to see that love still does live inside of my heart. I am still capable of loving someone with all of me and meaning it. I thought that part of me was dead for so long. I know now that I am still equipped with the tools to be in a committed relationship; even if her and I never got to that step. I am not giving up on my journey in love. I'm not looking for it, but I know that it will come around when the time is right. Until then, I will continue to love myself and stay true to myself in my own life. God has brought me a long way from the girl that I use to be. I committed emotional suicide so many times behind failed attempts at love. Now that I am the woman I am today, I know what it is that I want and deserve in a lover. I went 4 years being dogged out by a girl and yes it did a number on me, but I stood up from that.

My heart is now conditioned properly and I needed this experience to bring it all on home for me. So no love is lost and no hard feelings to the woman who took me to the next step in my journey. I hope that she learned something from all of this as well. I stuck my foot in my mouth in pervious blogs regarding this same woman. I said goodbye a few times now and did not mean it. I hadn't learned my lesson and kept going back. She didn't change for a reason. God was trying to get me to see a point. Well I hear you loud and clear Lord. Thank you. I am thankful that I wasn't so deep into this that the déjà vu feeling had me down and out like it once had me years ago. I close this case with a happy and intact heart, a humble spirit and a smile on my face. I have no idea how she feels about me at this point and I do know that it is none of my concern any longer. People have a lot of perceptions of Tamica Nicole, but none of them will ever know the struggles I've gone through to truly become who I am. These females seem to have me TWSISTED. I would end this with screw them and their perceptions, but I'll be nice and end it with peace and love.

Truth of the matter is; this cover girl was no different than the rest. Now she's being replaced.

"Dramatica"

I've only been knowing "Dramatica" for a few weeks now and we really hit it off on a mental level. She's an Aquarius and so am I. The mental connection was out of this world. Causing our feelings to splurge at rapid speeds. I tried to keep control of the wheel and I think I did a good job. I was just hoping that this would not end up like all the rest; with another woman committing emotional suicide. Her traits are too much like those of a Capricorn, and I CANNOT and WILL NOT deal with a Capricorn. I might as well stick a gun in my mouth and fondle the trigger.

At first, there were things that I knew I would have to get use to, because she is her own woman and she's had 34 years to get stuck in her own ways. I respected that. There was the trust issue, on top of the over dramatic issue, the double standards and the distance. At this point in my life, I know what I want in a woman and I know that it's going to take a special woman to grasp my attention and keep it. I need a woman who is comfortable with herself and does not take things out on me, because of people that hurt her in the past. I want something brought to the table other than suppressed emotional baggage. Now days, that is way too much to ask for. "Dramatica", a very intelligent woman, as far as I know; she has her own home, own car, a great career and the list goes on. None of that impresses me; whether its fact or fiction. So what? I have that to; what else you got?

So many portfolios have been brought to my table. They look so nice on the outside cover. They are colorful, well designed, well written and unique. Then the page is turned and the pink flags go up. Do I turn another page? Or realize that this isn't going to work now? I cannot lie, I am a page turner and I do give people the benefit of the doubt. I can't do that anymore. I'm getting too old for this. No more wasting my time. I know what I want and if a woman doesn't have it; I'm not sticking around. I wrote a blog about accepting people yesterday and I will do just that. I can accept a person outside of my world, they don’t need to be in it. I'm not going to mesh well with everyone I encounter. Every romantic interest will not flourish into something beautiful. I realize this.

"Dramatica" taught me some valuable lessons on this quick journey and I do appreciate them. She taught me not to be so vindictive and spiteful when things don't go my way. She taught me to truly abide by the golden rule. She taught me to be more patient. She taught me that no one will ever be like me and it's stupid of me to expect that or anything from anybody. She taught me that age is merely a number and means nothing. It just reveals exactly how long you've been holding on to the same bullshit. She taught me that I am my own soul mate and that people that come into my life are merely compliments of what I've already built within myself. I have everything I need spread out on the table and if a woman can not match what I have, then it's not going to work. I need someone to work with. I cannot back track anymore.

So "Dramatica" thanks for the experience. I am pressing on in my life's journey. No love is lost and no hard feelings developed. Peace.