Stand Firm...

Are you proud of your footprints in life? Your choices may not have been too smart, but are you proud of what you’ve walked through, over or around? Are you living life with no regrets? Has where you’ve been truly brought you to where you’re at currently? That last question to be taken in the most positive sense if you will. I personally can answer YES to all of these questions. The storm, the rain, the hurt, and the pain were only boulders pushing out all weakness that resided within me. The foundation laid down after everything was said done is stronger than ever! I have grown so much this year, and I’ve come along way as a woman. I’m happy to say that I’m proud of who I am.

Be as firm as you can about what you want when it comes to love. Your outlook is a work in progress -- rapid progress, for now -- so it's vital that you keep your core values front and center. - Shine

I’m a woman who definitely believes in compromise (now, loll), and it took some time and some hard falls in love to reach this point. However, when it comes to two individuals naturally walking different paths in life; at what point does such compromise alter who you are? Those core values are everything you stand for. They help map out the DNA in from which you are designed. Is it okay for you to “sit down” for love? Honestly, what good comes out of making it so far in your personal life to forget why you stand so tall today? Love is powerful. It moves and changes people for good and for bad. I believe when you’re trying to “fit” in love with another individual there is some molding that’s involved to sculpt you into that perfect piece of art in the eyes of the other person. Honestly speaking, I love my art just the way it is. This may be coming from the sprinkled about bitter debris, but I’ve lost sight of who I was for the likes of love (or lack thereof) one too many times.

I’ve changed completely for love, because I felt like such changes would keep the other person IN love. I’ve zipped my mouth shut, I’ve taken blame in falsely accused situations, I’ve lowered my caliber of thinking, I’ve shallowed the depths of my thoughts, I’ve re-arranged my life’s plans, I’ve ignored my family, I’ve ignored my friends, I’ve ignored my conscience, I’ve even altered my faith for failed attempts at love in my past. All of which took me not to be proud of then, to be proud of who I am today. So excuse me if I want to bask in the ambiance of a little success, happiness, confidence, and peace of mind. At my lowest points; I never thought I’d make it to take my next breath, let alone THIS stage in my womanhood.

You can't break your neck to satisfy everybody, because everybody damn sure ain't doing it for you! To live & love is worth a lot, but to live, love AND stay true to who you are is priceless! - T. Nicole

So without assumption, over analyzing, and/or technicality; simply put, I love me and who I’ve become. I know for a fact that it will take a woman on this same caliber of love for herself to accept who I am one hundred percent. I’ll wait…

Impressions

You know how to give the benefit of the doubt, but you also need to view people realistically. Don't forget how important first impressions can be -- you need to pay attention to your feelings. - Shine (Love & Relationships)

 

It's said that they mean everything. The beginning stage of a single memory is an impression. Without impressions there would be nothing to be intrigued by. Life would have no mystery. Life would be a exactly what it is; with no questions asked. Bottom line; life would be rather dull to say the least. Words that come out of an individuals mouth can be very powerful. They can be life altering. They can take your gray skies, and turn them blue again. Those words can be the greatest of truths, but they can also be the boldest of lies.

Depending on the importance of the encounter; we usually put on our best behavior for the occasion. It's like wearing your best Sunday clothes on a Tuesday; it means THAT much at THAT moment. That first moment. Our ears and minds are erect; standing at attention. We don't want to miss a beat. It's an adrenaline rush, and you want everything you say to be heard; whether it be the truth or a lie. Whatever is cleaver huh? In fact, if you can get past this first impression; some part of you has won the other person over either way.

Realistically speaking, a person's words to impress, are just words. That person may very well be capable of putting those exact words into action. That person could also have every intention of putting those words into action. Expectations often times lead to disappointment. So to expect every word to be true might be fault on your behalf. Giving the benefit of the doubt is beautiful, because everyone is different. However, humans are humans. I can't begin to name all of the wonderful first impressions that I've had that turned out to be nothing than I could ever imagine. The most simple recipe for any encounter; EXPECT NOTHING!

Between every lie are traces of the truth. Listen closely and watch carefully. Listen to your first mind; no matter how fast and how loud your heart might be beating. For when that beat begins to even out, and that sound isn't so loud; you might be left with the shattering sounds of reality. “Human kind cannot bear very much reality.” – T.S. Eliot; Four Quartets, Burnt Norton. So just like the first time you took your first hit, swallow, or sniff of any type of controlling substance; that unnatural high can lead you down a very deceiving and destructive path.

Stay true to yourself above all else. Make sure you're ready for what you choose to face. Make sure you're willing to accept everything you ask for. If you selflessly claim to love another individual, show them through constant action rather than your words. What you tell them on day 1 honestly doesn't matter on day 999, because if it's true; whatever they asked you on the first day; they'll proudly say again on 999th day. The greatest impressions are followed by consistency. By all means, impress me. Approach me with your best, because you better believe I'm standing before you doing the same. Just remember, you can only stretch a lie so far. The truth is everlasting.

**Only a matter of time before the meaning to what was lost is revealed. Hence the word everlasting; so technically what was stepped over will still be there when that time comes.**

The Figurative Heart

Genesis 3:5 – “For God knows that in the very day of your eating from it your eyes will be opened and you are bound to be like God, knowing good and bad.” (This is what Satan in the form of a serpent told Eve about the tree of knowledge of good and bad)

In my opinion, this is the most pivotal moment in the history of humankind. The day our fore parents gained knowledge of good and bad; is the day all of humankind was cursed. The innocent mind was then erased, and filled with mini parasites forming fearful and wicked thoughts. Needless to say, this is what makes it very hard to maintain peace of mind. The brain is constantly turning. Constantly producing thoughts both good and bad. Back in the day of our fore parents; man had no life decisions. God worked very hard for six days creating, furnishing, and perfecting the earth for mankind. He set one rule that He expected to be obeyed by man. As long as this rule was obeyed; our fore parents could live about freely and peacefully throughout the Garden of Eden. Unfortunately, that rule was disobeyed, and the forbidden fruit was partaken.



Thus, here we are. All offspring of our fore parents living in this sinful world. Filled with both good and bad. Our eyes are opened wide shut! Roaming about the wicked earth aimlessly and blind; trying to survive each day. Life’s battles come hard and they come fast. The battle in the mind is what bruises us the most. Knowledge; what we think we know and what we know nothing about. What we happen to gain from certain knowledge through life’s battles, is wisdom.

"We are not what we look like, we are not how physically strong we are, and we are not the knowledge we have memorized. We are, what we are, because of what we do with what we have become. You can feed two people with the same food and teach them with the same teachers and they will each process the information differently. It is only when a parent or a teacher reaches the persons heart that he becomes empowered to become more than he was, and he is empowered to keep becoming more than he is." - Stephen Kishel

Using the good sense God gave me; I’m brought to a time in my own personal life where I have to cover myself. Take the knowledge that I have; both good and bad, and run with it. Just as my fore parents did when they realized their bodies were exposed to all around them. Face to face with my own reality; I must gather my tools and decipher between the good and bad within. Friends and foes. Priorities and options. Dreams and nightmares. Reality and fantasy. Love and hate. Life and death. My mother reminded me over this past weekend that the literal heart can be deceiving, but the figurative heart has to be trained. In a figurative sense my current reality has caused my heart to become so battered and bruised. It’s time to take a step back as an artist in life, and re-evaluate what I’ve created thus far on my life’s painting. It’s beyond time for a different stroke. Time to change my scene, upgrade my reality, and train my figurative heart to become much more than what I already am.

Stage Play

It's 5am, and I'm up listening to Donny; smoking. It's been a pretty lonely weekend. This might be a self pitty party I'm throwing over here, but I just haven't wanted to be bothered lately. I feel like my smiles have been a bit fake, and I refuse to take anyone on my usual "rebound journey". That always ends up biting me in the ass. The whole "don't chase em'; replace em'" attitude. It's the most easiest way to get over a heartache of any kind. Validation is the key right? Because, that's what you lose sight of when your heart is broken. Your value. Your worth. Your reason for being.

It's crazy just how fast you can lose sight of these things too. The heart can be very deceiving when it battles with the mind. Each day gets better. My slowly nursing myself back to my usual nonchalant self. Me and love have been through some battles man! Love has been like a stage play for me. I'll audition for the best leading lady for the role, and you better believe she knocked me dead in her audition. The play will be a hit for the first couple of months (if it lasts that long), but then the actress starts to show her true character. Her acting skills vanished. Not too soon after that; the curtains close. Then I'm back to auditioning for another leading lady for yet another stage play.

These leading ladies were merely playing their role. Maybe it's me that flips the script though. I've played with love alot in my past. I've turned my back on it. I've said it in vain. I've taken it for granted. I've misused and abused it. I've taken it to the top of the charts, and body slammed it back down to the bottom. The older I get; the more I yearn for the real thing. No stage play. No actresses. No props. No audience. No curtains. I don't want some 1 to 4 month fling. I want to put in some real time with a real and genuine person. I'm content with my life right now. It's been quite some time since I've been able to actually say that. I still have this void. A void love has busted wide open! The past couple of relationships these voids were still there even when love was in the picture. Or something I thought was love.

Recently, I've got to experience a type of love that finally filled that forever growing void. My whole world was turned upside down with this love. It was the happiest I had ever been, and that love came into my life like a thief in the night. Robbed me for my heart. Gave me everything I desired. Told me everything I wanted to hear. Wasn't afraid to tell me what I didn't want to hear. Loved me for me, and simply because; I loved it. Turned my house into a home. Shared my space. Invaded my mind, body and soul. Then...it left quicker than it came. Left me with this stranger. This empty being. This faceless soul. Pages of the script blowing in the whirlwind around us. Another actress. Another stage play. Another audience. Curtains close.

I can't blame anybody for that though. Especially not the stranger. She was just playing her role. Now here I am with this battle. Accepting the fact that the curtains are closed. The leading lady is gone. More than likely; on to another play. On a different tour. With a new writer. A new script. Or maybe it's the same old script. Either way; she played the hell out of her part. Standing ovation. Never did I once want those curtains to close. Never did I ever once want to wake out of the dream I was living in. Never did I once thing the feeling would fade this time. Not on my part, and I'm proud to say; it didn't. But I quickly found out; I wasn't directing this one. What I felt honestly meant nothing this time around. It's like someone poured hot coffee all over the script and the ink bled from the pages. Blank. Empty. Unfulfilled. There goes that void again.

She started reading from a different script on me though. I didn't have a copy of this one. I was still stuck on the old script. I knew it by heart. Everything in her script went against everything in my heart. She was no longer reading from her heart. I honestly don't know if she ever was. Perhaps that's why it was so easy for her to forget. So easy for her to get her hands on another script. Imagine how frustrating that is. Lots of people have been in situations like this. They happen all of the time. The one reading from the heart usually is the only one that gets knocked down emotionally. The one who loses sight of his/her value, worth, and reason for being.

So here I am. 6am. Can't sleep; thinking about my last leading lady. I'm still stuck in the whirlwind. Pages of the empty script flying all around me. I'm here alone. Same script etched in my heart. I've grown tired of forcing my heart back into the strangers hands. The bottom line; she shares the same stage as I, but she's reading from a different scripts. All I have is whats in my heart.

Love On A One-Way Street

What is love without compromise? What is love without communication? What is love without some sort of understanding? What is love without patience? What is love without trust? Clearly, love isn't SHIT without all of these ingredients. It becomes frustrating, heartbreaking and downright stressful. Feels as if you're going down that one-way the WRONG way!

I'm going to save the rest of my thoughts and feelings for my private blog!