Another Dawn

"It's a little late now to fix a heart that's broken. Please don't ask me where I'm going. I don't know. No I don't know anymore...." - Corinne Bailey Rae

It's a new day brightened with a new sun. The friends and foes are blended together as one. So therefore, the road in which I choose is a lonely one. So many opinions, so many suggestions, and so many perceptions. I honestly don't know where to turn, and I'd be a fool to believe in another breathing being. At the end of everyday, nobody comes home to my empty house and nobody has to survive any of my sleepless nights. So many of my feelings invalidated by the ignorance of people. My struggle is steady being knocked left and right, because it's foreign to the outside universe of myself. There's so much truth within the words I choose NOT to speak. In reality, living one day with the same heart and mind of mine would kill the next muthafucka'. Go one day with what I go through, and THEN tell me I'm not strong. I try my best to spare feelings nowadays; all the while the rest "oh well" and never-mind mine. Humph, shmucks.

"Joy cometh in the morning." Or so it's said, and so I pray before I retire to bed. I await a new dawn that will totally demolish my past, tidy up my current, and light up my future. The current mistakes that I'm making, hmm well; consequently, it's my own heart that I'm breaking. However, I have to learn my own lessons in life, in love. I have to fight the battles I'm too stubborn to give to God. My patience is ran thin in waiting for Him to bring it all to an end. I'm in the ring one deep, the gloves are on, and I'm kicking my own ASS. Knowing better results in doing better. However, depending on the doer; it's sometimes easier said than done. Speaking of, one day soon I will be DONE. What doesn't need to matter....WON'T in the very near future. Until then, I go through what I go through, and I survive. That is done by my damn SELF! Even the closest ones don't call my phone to check on me. The lonely road conditions me with a strength unreachable to most. I'm learning more and more everyday that what I yearn for in others, is damn sure not what I need. That's another perception severely crushed by the reality God keeps me currently keeps me submerged in. I find a reason to smile everyday. Sometimes not all day, but at least once on the worst day. Myself and God sees my progress even when nobody else does. So what's understood between us, doesn't need to be explained. Right now, I'm just praying for another dawn....

P.S. - Days can sometimes get weary even on the freedom train. Don't get it twisted, and know that I'm STILL holding my ticket.

I'm just testing my blogger app in how it post pictures. I took these pics at the Houston Museum of Natural Science.

The Expected

Today I feel rather blah. I've been having such a positive week. Trying to remain focused on my goals, and keeping my energy focused on what is liable to get me further in life. However, the expected is occurring; I miss the feeling. I can't say I miss her, because I haven't had the pleasure of her in months. The addiction of love can oh so easily cross the line of misery. Especially, if the love you miss turned out to be the very cause of your pain. So I miss the feeling of misery? I mean because, that's all it adds up to.
I had the same feelings when I was trying to get over my ex. It's such a guilty feeling, because I know I shouldn't be feeling it. It's to be expected though. I just have to pray and shake it off. I refuse to give into the temptation of the skeletons of my past. Besides, I've already given way too much of myself to my past. Now I owe everything I have left to my future. This too shall pass.
Still aboard this Freedom Train, and trusting in His route !

A Liberated Destiny

Now boarding the freedom train.

In the musical bliss of Coltrane.
Growth sprouting from my pain.
Clear sunny skies & no rain.
To remain shackled…

Would be a damn shame!

These past couple of days have been clear and breezy, like a bright sunny day. My mind surprisingly didn’t have a cloud in sight. It’s like my heart caught a severe case of amnesia, and appeared to be everything less than heavy. Simply put, I feel good. This is, despite the constant troubles of the world we live in today. Respect and peace to Troy Davis, by the way. But “ain’t nobody worryin’” right? RIGHT. Smh.

I feel like I’d been up for parole, and my release date came EARLY. Being psychologically and emotionally shackled can shake the soul and damage the body in more ways than one. “Slowly, surely I walk away from” & enough is enough! As fucked up as the world is; it’s still a sight to see! It’s constantly turning, and it has been doing so without me! I’m trying to maintain a humble sprit on this slow journey to freedom, but I’m so close, I can taste it. & it tastes G O O D !

Just call me Harriet Tubman, because I got my ticket & I’m riding one deep on this FREEDOM TRAIN!

The Explanation

I’ve been trying to find a way to start this blog again, and keep it going. I’ve seemed to have lost the momentum in my passion. Life has been a bit of a struggle; not only in love, but in many aspects of my life. I thought I lost my muse. I thought I lost my will. I thought I lost my ambition. I thought I lost my drive. I even thought I lost my faith. I forgot about my dreams. I forgot about my future. I ignored my present, and I’ve been stumbling over the skeletons of my past. I’ve been out here hustling. On a diehard hustle for love. I’ve been chasing love all of this time. I’ve been handing my heart over to strangers, and holding them responsible for the great loss of myself. Looking for love in all the wrong places. Isn’t that what they say? Well, I’ve been in the wrong place, on the wrong day, and at the wrong time.

The pieces of me are scattered about my past. On the different coordinates of the map. On the routes I chose to take in love. With every tear, every sleepless night, every ache, and every pain; I lost a little piece of me. I went against everything I believed in. The core values of the woman that I am still resides inside of me, and I’ve been trying so hard to redeem myself. The year is rounding near it’s end, and I have a goal to meet. I’ve peeled back every layer of myself, and I feel so vulnerable and exposed to the world. I feel like when people look at me; they see every flaw, blemish and bruise. They see all my pain and they can smell my weaknesses from afar. There has been a fear set in me, and it’s caused me to just….stop. I’ve been so caught up in the superficial thrills of “love” diluted and polluted with illusion and lust. Constantly drowning in the shallow waters on a lonely beach.

I’ve lost my damn mind…

There’s no one else to blame, but me. I’ve been existing in a reality below my potential. My standards have been tremendously lowered, and intertwined within the excuse of comfortableness. I’ve been settling for less. Taking any old thing from any old body. Life has just been…blah. Chasing love gave me a bit of a challenge; or so I thought, but in reality I just ended up putting too much focus in the wrong people. All I did was end up hurting myself, and ended up losing more of myself every time. My mind has been nothing less than idle. I’ve had very little mental stimulation, and my thoughts have become chaotic. The outcome; I’m  an emotional wreck. On the contrary, there is a different me on the other side of this mountain, and I’m anxious to see the woman in the mirror beyond the alps. This reckless journey was not traveled in vain. All that I thought was lost and forgotten, still exists. Oh and my muse? It still resides everywhere around. It seeps from the positive energy and light brought forth from my friends and family. It exists behind the melody, within the lyrics; soulfully bouncing throughout the music . My muse still resides in….ME.

I’ll never stop hustling in life and love. My perception is a bit more clear now, but I’ll remain in solitude until I can shake off this last bit of debris from my garments. No regrets, because we all need a little bit of dirt to grow. Now, I choose to travel forth with no rear views. I respect and accept all that is my past. It helped mold and shape me into who I am. My value is greater than it’s ever been. However, I refuse to look back on anything and anyone NOT looking back at me. What’s done is done, and it’s all been charged to the game of life and love.