The Explanation

I’ve been trying to find a way to start this blog again, and keep it going. I’ve seemed to have lost the momentum in my passion. Life has been a bit of a struggle; not only in love, but in many aspects of my life. I thought I lost my muse. I thought I lost my will. I thought I lost my ambition. I thought I lost my drive. I even thought I lost my faith. I forgot about my dreams. I forgot about my future. I ignored my present, and I’ve been stumbling over the skeletons of my past. I’ve been out here hustling. On a diehard hustle for love. I’ve been chasing love all of this time. I’ve been handing my heart over to strangers, and holding them responsible for the great loss of myself. Looking for love in all the wrong places. Isn’t that what they say? Well, I’ve been in the wrong place, on the wrong day, and at the wrong time.

The pieces of me are scattered about my past. On the different coordinates of the map. On the routes I chose to take in love. With every tear, every sleepless night, every ache, and every pain; I lost a little piece of me. I went against everything I believed in. The core values of the woman that I am still resides inside of me, and I’ve been trying so hard to redeem myself. The year is rounding near it’s end, and I have a goal to meet. I’ve peeled back every layer of myself, and I feel so vulnerable and exposed to the world. I feel like when people look at me; they see every flaw, blemish and bruise. They see all my pain and they can smell my weaknesses from afar. There has been a fear set in me, and it’s caused me to just….stop. I’ve been so caught up in the superficial thrills of “love” diluted and polluted with illusion and lust. Constantly drowning in the shallow waters on a lonely beach.

I’ve lost my damn mind…

There’s no one else to blame, but me. I’ve been existing in a reality below my potential. My standards have been tremendously lowered, and intertwined within the excuse of comfortableness. I’ve been settling for less. Taking any old thing from any old body. Life has just been…blah. Chasing love gave me a bit of a challenge; or so I thought, but in reality I just ended up putting too much focus in the wrong people. All I did was end up hurting myself, and ended up losing more of myself every time. My mind has been nothing less than idle. I’ve had very little mental stimulation, and my thoughts have become chaotic. The outcome; I’m  an emotional wreck. On the contrary, there is a different me on the other side of this mountain, and I’m anxious to see the woman in the mirror beyond the alps. This reckless journey was not traveled in vain. All that I thought was lost and forgotten, still exists. Oh and my muse? It still resides everywhere around. It seeps from the positive energy and light brought forth from my friends and family. It exists behind the melody, within the lyrics; soulfully bouncing throughout the music . My muse still resides in….ME.

I’ll never stop hustling in life and love. My perception is a bit more clear now, but I’ll remain in solitude until I can shake off this last bit of debris from my garments. No regrets, because we all need a little bit of dirt to grow. Now, I choose to travel forth with no rear views. I respect and accept all that is my past. It helped mold and shape me into who I am. My value is greater than it’s ever been. However, I refuse to look back on anything and anyone NOT looking back at me. What’s done is done, and it’s all been charged to the game of life and love. 

In It To Win It

Love has chewed me up and spat me out, but I'm still standing. I won't give up on love, because I know God has a definite plan for me. All the crap I have endured over the years; I know that whenever it comes, it'll be great.

This has to be by far the longest test in patience yet, lol. It's becoming harder and harder to separate the real from the fake. Everyone who says the word doesn't mean the word. Infatuation is a muthafucka. That temporary love seems to be what I keep getting wrapped in. Not temporary on my part, but the part of the one I mistakenly put my trust in. The love I'm constantly giving I can't seem to get in return. I'm no longer bitter. I'm trying to remain humble. Although I slip up from time to time.

The loves real and fake who have come and gone, conditioned me. Taught me great lessons no doubt. I'm still in it to win it though. In the end I will get who I deserve.

Back To The Hustle

I've got to get back to my passion. I've been living life. I've been hustling in this love scene, and I've got plenty of stories to tell. I'm just a believer that you have to live it fully before you tell it. I feel as if I've almost reached steady grounds. I'll be back...

Lonely Love

Love is or it ain't. Thin love ain't love at all. - Toni Morrison

Somebody asked me the other day if I've ever had the feeling of being in love alone. Unfortunately my answer was yes. The feeling is almost indescribable. It brings about a pain so great when faced with the reality of it all. Being lonely in love is very common in a lot of relationships. One of the partner's feelings reaches a specific destination before the others. It can be a very frustrating and challenging experience. It will take a lot of patience to get through, if able. Sometimes the other partner's feelings never arrive to that destination. Love is apart of life, and it's all a gamble. You just never know what you're getting into. You never know what you'll get out of it if anything at all.

Lately, I've been on an emotional roller coaster with love. My feelings are wanting to rum at rapid speeds to this destination unknown, but I know I'll be leaving behind those feelings of another. All was laid out on the table what was ready to be faced and what wasn't. Two souls on different pages, however we face the same direction. Only one of us might get there before the other if such feelings aren't slowed down. I truly don't want to experience the feeling of being in love alone again. For once, I want to see eye to eye with my partner, and head down our destined path together in love.

Year's End:Year's Beginning - New Directon for Love

Here we are, another year has ended, and another year has begun. This past year in love has been very disappointing for me. More illusions, more impostors, and more parodies of the real thing. In which, I haven't got a chance to experience again. Although, I didn't get where I wanted to get in love this past year; it wasn't a complete failure. I learned a lot. Many lessons came about from what was and what could've been. I lost a lot of time, money and energy on some very unworthy and ungrateful people. These facts I cannot change, and if anything, they taught me not to settle for less. I lowered my standards something serious last year. Not just in love, but in many situations in my life. I refuse to do that this year. This will require me leaving things and people in the dust. I'm still facing reality, but I'm facing it with a different mindset. No longer am I facing it in fear.

This year I plan to take love in a totally different direction. It's love for myself above all else. I'm one who has been known to get lost in love. Distracted in love. I've been known to be no good in love. I lose all sense of what's REAL. I vowed to never do that again after my last relationship. I've chosen not to rush this love thing. I'm in a situation right now; where I feel like I can't get what I want. This is only God's way of telling me that I don't NEED it right now. I hear Him loud and clear. I've decided to redirect my focus. I have so many things I want to accomplish in life. I can't put them on hold for love anymore. I've been worrying about the wrong things and the wrong people for quite some time now. Some might consider my new direction as being somewhat of a silent ultimatum, and that's okay. I'm making major choices for myself this year, and it's going to be up to those around me if they want to be in my life or not. I'm honestly not letting that be a concern of mine anymore. People come and they go, and those who choose to go; were never meant to be here longer than the amount of time they were anyway.

The wheels are set in motion. I have to make a difference this year. I want that ever lasting feeling. I want to stand tall on solid grounds. I want to strengthen the roots holding up my tree of life. I want to branch out. I want to learn more and more as the seasons change around me. No more talking.....just time to get the ball rolling. Oh and if you love me like you say you so; make sure you don't let me roll right pass you.