Acquiescence

Waving the white flag

surrendering to my thoughts

In complete submission to you

A victory you win over and over again

I wish you’d collect your prize already

And leave

But I surrender

Distance has no space

Time has no tick

Submerged in numbing tranquility

A silence so piercing

totally blinding the mind’s eye

I wish you’d feel this pain I feel

And leave

But I surrender

Fill my mind with your ever being

Overflow my eyes with your beauty

Replay every memory shared with you

Over and over

Again and again

Fill me up with the lies

Because you know the truth kills me

Please don’t leave

I surrender

This white flag I wave

Stained with the blood of my heart

All I have are these memories

Living vicariously through these fantasies

I surrender to every thought of you

Painfully indulged in silent … acquiescence

Copyright © 2011 T. Nicole

The Jaded Truth

Slowly falling out of love, but still in love with being in love. As days go by, less and less thoughts are devoted to my past. I'm enjoying this conscious journey, and it's a very humbling experience to say the least. My senses are at an indescribable peak. I've seemed to have fallen in love with a lot of things that I'd forgotten about while on my dead end chase of hopeless fantasies. It's been really nice to get back to the basics, but there are still old habits lurking in the shadows. Whoever said those suckers die hard wasn't lying! I'm focused though nonetheless. I've come too far to turn back now.

Yesterday, I found out one of my exes were getting married. I had mixed feelings about that discovery. Her and I talk via messenger everyday during the week, and she didn't tell me this. I don't think she would've told me at all actually. Our relationship is very....questionable. I definitely know that she doesn't consider me a friend. I really don't know where I stand in her life. I have still proven that I'd do anything for her, and come to her side when I felt I was needed. However, I still feel like I'm held at a distance greater than necessary. Our conversation has dwindled down to a mere "good morning" everyday. I don't really know the motive or point of her coming back around. It all started over again so...familiar, but quickly changed. I'm in that "stranger" category again. It's annoying. I do NOT like being skeptical of where I stand in a person's life. Especially, when I know exactly where they stand in mine. I did wish her the best after I discovered the news. I'm completely in dark about that relationship, and that's very well since it's none of my business. I have my own thoughts about the whole thing, but they are clearly irrelevant. Much peace and many blessings to their new journey either way.

My current thoughts on love are still quite jaded. I have that bitter taste resting comfortably on my taste buds. I have faith in His plan for me, so therefore I hold no regret in my heart. However, I'm still irritated with all the time spent and the events of my love life over the past two years. There is so many things I would've done differently, and damn sure some things I wouldn't have done at all. It's all part of the plan though. I'm supposed to be where I'm at in life and love right now. These thoughts and feelings I'm having are all right on schedule. The one sided burned bridge torched by the current face of love is a pre-written event in my book of life. There is probable reason behind it. So to question it would be absurd actually. Especially, if I have so much trust in my future. As hard as it is to grasp for me; I know that everybody is not meant to stay in your world for a lifetime. That's a sad truth.

Right now I honestly have no interest in meeting anyone new. Depending on the surfaced motive, I might turn them away if they came around at this point. Actually, I've already done that twice thus far. I just don't have much trust in people anymore. I've been hyped up on faulty loyalty one time too many. I'm over it. I'm loving this time spent with self. Falling in love with myself again has been amazing. I've missed my smile, and I see that again every morning when I wake up. I just don't want to get familiar with the life of a stranger, and after the time is invested they end up being everything they portrayed themselves not to be. Right now, I'm good. My happiness is growing within every waking moment. I'm just consciously speaking on the aftermath of it all.

Peace.

The Law Of Life

I'm extremely excited about the start of this new month. November, welcomed in the warmest manner ever when I opened my eyes this morning. I felt as if I woke up with a squeaky clean slate. Even cleaner than the one I woke up with yesterday morning. The bible says that every new day is promised its own set of anxieties, but I didn't feel that way this morning. I felt brand new. I reflected on the past two experiences of October, and all in between. The changes are GREAT, and very distinct. I remember a dark point in last month when I desperately prayed to God, and asked him to just take it all back. I didn't think I could go on living with certain memories. As hard as I was trying, and as far as I had come; I just wasn't reaching what I felt was the end of turmoil fast enough. He did me one better though. Instead, He saw me through, and provided me with a new beginning. I'm very thankful to say the least. 


Although, I'm closing some chapters in my life that I never even imagined would run out of a place for words; change is indeed the law of life. Change never really has to have a negative connotation, but as a human filled with fears; it sometimes seems like the WORST. I'm trying to live each day in a more conscious manner. Holding myself 100% accountable for all of my actions. I just feel I have to be totally aware in order to change in the most positive way set out. I understand that I not only have to change my everyday ways, but my entire way of thinking. I have quite a bit of things to spill, but I think I'll chill. Bottom line, my current goal is to become 100% emotionally unavailable to my past. I've held it accountable for the current conditions of my mind and heart for far too long. If I'm blessed to see today; then the things of yesterday shouldn't hold me down for any reason at all. The past has indeed played it's part in my life, and it's chewed me up, spit me out into the present. I choose to get up, and walk with a different stride, and keep a smile plastered on my face. 

"Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or

present are certain to miss the future."

 - John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Another Dawn

"It's a little late now to fix a heart that's broken. Please don't ask me where I'm going. I don't know. No I don't know anymore...." - Corinne Bailey Rae

It's a new day brightened with a new sun. The friends and foes are blended together as one. So therefore, the road in which I choose is a lonely one. So many opinions, so many suggestions, and so many perceptions. I honestly don't know where to turn, and I'd be a fool to believe in another breathing being. At the end of everyday, nobody comes home to my empty house and nobody has to survive any of my sleepless nights. So many of my feelings invalidated by the ignorance of people. My struggle is steady being knocked left and right, because it's foreign to the outside universe of myself. There's so much truth within the words I choose NOT to speak. In reality, living one day with the same heart and mind of mine would kill the next muthafucka'. Go one day with what I go through, and THEN tell me I'm not strong. I try my best to spare feelings nowadays; all the while the rest "oh well" and never-mind mine. Humph, shmucks.

"Joy cometh in the morning." Or so it's said, and so I pray before I retire to bed. I await a new dawn that will totally demolish my past, tidy up my current, and light up my future. The current mistakes that I'm making, hmm well; consequently, it's my own heart that I'm breaking. However, I have to learn my own lessons in life, in love. I have to fight the battles I'm too stubborn to give to God. My patience is ran thin in waiting for Him to bring it all to an end. I'm in the ring one deep, the gloves are on, and I'm kicking my own ASS. Knowing better results in doing better. However, depending on the doer; it's sometimes easier said than done. Speaking of, one day soon I will be DONE. What doesn't need to matter....WON'T in the very near future. Until then, I go through what I go through, and I survive. That is done by my damn SELF! Even the closest ones don't call my phone to check on me. The lonely road conditions me with a strength unreachable to most. I'm learning more and more everyday that what I yearn for in others, is damn sure not what I need. That's another perception severely crushed by the reality God keeps me currently keeps me submerged in. I find a reason to smile everyday. Sometimes not all day, but at least once on the worst day. Myself and God sees my progress even when nobody else does. So what's understood between us, doesn't need to be explained. Right now, I'm just praying for another dawn....

P.S. - Days can sometimes get weary even on the freedom train. Don't get it twisted, and know that I'm STILL holding my ticket.

I'm just testing my blogger app in how it post pictures. I took these pics at the Houston Museum of Natural Science.

The Expected

Today I feel rather blah. I've been having such a positive week. Trying to remain focused on my goals, and keeping my energy focused on what is liable to get me further in life. However, the expected is occurring; I miss the feeling. I can't say I miss her, because I haven't had the pleasure of her in months. The addiction of love can oh so easily cross the line of misery. Especially, if the love you miss turned out to be the very cause of your pain. So I miss the feeling of misery? I mean because, that's all it adds up to.
I had the same feelings when I was trying to get over my ex. It's such a guilty feeling, because I know I shouldn't be feeling it. It's to be expected though. I just have to pray and shake it off. I refuse to give into the temptation of the skeletons of my past. Besides, I've already given way too much of myself to my past. Now I owe everything I have left to my future. This too shall pass.
Still aboard this Freedom Train, and trusting in His route !

A Liberated Destiny

Now boarding the freedom train.

In the musical bliss of Coltrane.
Growth sprouting from my pain.
Clear sunny skies & no rain.
To remain shackled…

Would be a damn shame!

These past couple of days have been clear and breezy, like a bright sunny day. My mind surprisingly didn’t have a cloud in sight. It’s like my heart caught a severe case of amnesia, and appeared to be everything less than heavy. Simply put, I feel good. This is, despite the constant troubles of the world we live in today. Respect and peace to Troy Davis, by the way. But “ain’t nobody worryin’” right? RIGHT. Smh.

I feel like I’d been up for parole, and my release date came EARLY. Being psychologically and emotionally shackled can shake the soul and damage the body in more ways than one. “Slowly, surely I walk away from” & enough is enough! As fucked up as the world is; it’s still a sight to see! It’s constantly turning, and it has been doing so without me! I’m trying to maintain a humble sprit on this slow journey to freedom, but I’m so close, I can taste it. & it tastes G O O D !

Just call me Harriet Tubman, because I got my ticket & I’m riding one deep on this FREEDOM TRAIN!

The Explanation

I’ve been trying to find a way to start this blog again, and keep it going. I’ve seemed to have lost the momentum in my passion. Life has been a bit of a struggle; not only in love, but in many aspects of my life. I thought I lost my muse. I thought I lost my will. I thought I lost my ambition. I thought I lost my drive. I even thought I lost my faith. I forgot about my dreams. I forgot about my future. I ignored my present, and I’ve been stumbling over the skeletons of my past. I’ve been out here hustling. On a diehard hustle for love. I’ve been chasing love all of this time. I’ve been handing my heart over to strangers, and holding them responsible for the great loss of myself. Looking for love in all the wrong places. Isn’t that what they say? Well, I’ve been in the wrong place, on the wrong day, and at the wrong time.

The pieces of me are scattered about my past. On the different coordinates of the map. On the routes I chose to take in love. With every tear, every sleepless night, every ache, and every pain; I lost a little piece of me. I went against everything I believed in. The core values of the woman that I am still resides inside of me, and I’ve been trying so hard to redeem myself. The year is rounding near it’s end, and I have a goal to meet. I’ve peeled back every layer of myself, and I feel so vulnerable and exposed to the world. I feel like when people look at me; they see every flaw, blemish and bruise. They see all my pain and they can smell my weaknesses from afar. There has been a fear set in me, and it’s caused me to just….stop. I’ve been so caught up in the superficial thrills of “love” diluted and polluted with illusion and lust. Constantly drowning in the shallow waters on a lonely beach.

I’ve lost my damn mind…

There’s no one else to blame, but me. I’ve been existing in a reality below my potential. My standards have been tremendously lowered, and intertwined within the excuse of comfortableness. I’ve been settling for less. Taking any old thing from any old body. Life has just been…blah. Chasing love gave me a bit of a challenge; or so I thought, but in reality I just ended up putting too much focus in the wrong people. All I did was end up hurting myself, and ended up losing more of myself every time. My mind has been nothing less than idle. I’ve had very little mental stimulation, and my thoughts have become chaotic. The outcome; I’m  an emotional wreck. On the contrary, there is a different me on the other side of this mountain, and I’m anxious to see the woman in the mirror beyond the alps. This reckless journey was not traveled in vain. All that I thought was lost and forgotten, still exists. Oh and my muse? It still resides everywhere around. It seeps from the positive energy and light brought forth from my friends and family. It exists behind the melody, within the lyrics; soulfully bouncing throughout the music . My muse still resides in….ME.

I’ll never stop hustling in life and love. My perception is a bit more clear now, but I’ll remain in solitude until I can shake off this last bit of debris from my garments. No regrets, because we all need a little bit of dirt to grow. Now, I choose to travel forth with no rear views. I respect and accept all that is my past. It helped mold and shape me into who I am. My value is greater than it’s ever been. However, I refuse to look back on anything and anyone NOT looking back at me. What’s done is done, and it’s all been charged to the game of life and love. 

In It To Win It

Love has chewed me up and spat me out, but I'm still standing. I won't give up on love, because I know God has a definite plan for me. All the crap I have endured over the years; I know that whenever it comes, it'll be great.

This has to be by far the longest test in patience yet, lol. It's becoming harder and harder to separate the real from the fake. Everyone who says the word doesn't mean the word. Infatuation is a muthafucka. That temporary love seems to be what I keep getting wrapped in. Not temporary on my part, but the part of the one I mistakenly put my trust in. The love I'm constantly giving I can't seem to get in return. I'm no longer bitter. I'm trying to remain humble. Although I slip up from time to time.

The loves real and fake who have come and gone, conditioned me. Taught me great lessons no doubt. I'm still in it to win it though. In the end I will get who I deserve.

Back To The Hustle

I've got to get back to my passion. I've been living life. I've been hustling in this love scene, and I've got plenty of stories to tell. I'm just a believer that you have to live it fully before you tell it. I feel as if I've almost reached steady grounds. I'll be back...

Lonely Love

Love is or it ain't. Thin love ain't love at all. - Toni Morrison

Somebody asked me the other day if I've ever had the feeling of being in love alone. Unfortunately my answer was yes. The feeling is almost indescribable. It brings about a pain so great when faced with the reality of it all. Being lonely in love is very common in a lot of relationships. One of the partner's feelings reaches a specific destination before the others. It can be a very frustrating and challenging experience. It will take a lot of patience to get through, if able. Sometimes the other partner's feelings never arrive to that destination. Love is apart of life, and it's all a gamble. You just never know what you're getting into. You never know what you'll get out of it if anything at all.

Lately, I've been on an emotional roller coaster with love. My feelings are wanting to rum at rapid speeds to this destination unknown, but I know I'll be leaving behind those feelings of another. All was laid out on the table what was ready to be faced and what wasn't. Two souls on different pages, however we face the same direction. Only one of us might get there before the other if such feelings aren't slowed down. I truly don't want to experience the feeling of being in love alone again. For once, I want to see eye to eye with my partner, and head down our destined path together in love.

Year's End:Year's Beginning - New Directon for Love

Here we are, another year has ended, and another year has begun. This past year in love has been very disappointing for me. More illusions, more impostors, and more parodies of the real thing. In which, I haven't got a chance to experience again. Although, I didn't get where I wanted to get in love this past year; it wasn't a complete failure. I learned a lot. Many lessons came about from what was and what could've been. I lost a lot of time, money and energy on some very unworthy and ungrateful people. These facts I cannot change, and if anything, they taught me not to settle for less. I lowered my standards something serious last year. Not just in love, but in many situations in my life. I refuse to do that this year. This will require me leaving things and people in the dust. I'm still facing reality, but I'm facing it with a different mindset. No longer am I facing it in fear.

This year I plan to take love in a totally different direction. It's love for myself above all else. I'm one who has been known to get lost in love. Distracted in love. I've been known to be no good in love. I lose all sense of what's REAL. I vowed to never do that again after my last relationship. I've chosen not to rush this love thing. I'm in a situation right now; where I feel like I can't get what I want. This is only God's way of telling me that I don't NEED it right now. I hear Him loud and clear. I've decided to redirect my focus. I have so many things I want to accomplish in life. I can't put them on hold for love anymore. I've been worrying about the wrong things and the wrong people for quite some time now. Some might consider my new direction as being somewhat of a silent ultimatum, and that's okay. I'm making major choices for myself this year, and it's going to be up to those around me if they want to be in my life or not. I'm honestly not letting that be a concern of mine anymore. People come and they go, and those who choose to go; were never meant to be here longer than the amount of time they were anyway.

The wheels are set in motion. I have to make a difference this year. I want that ever lasting feeling. I want to stand tall on solid grounds. I want to strengthen the roots holding up my tree of life. I want to branch out. I want to learn more and more as the seasons change around me. No more talking.....just time to get the ball rolling. Oh and if you love me like you say you so; make sure you don't let me roll right pass you.

Stand Firm...

Are you proud of your footprints in life? Your choices may not have been too smart, but are you proud of what you’ve walked through, over or around? Are you living life with no regrets? Has where you’ve been truly brought you to where you’re at currently? That last question to be taken in the most positive sense if you will. I personally can answer YES to all of these questions. The storm, the rain, the hurt, and the pain were only boulders pushing out all weakness that resided within me. The foundation laid down after everything was said done is stronger than ever! I have grown so much this year, and I’ve come along way as a woman. I’m happy to say that I’m proud of who I am.

Be as firm as you can about what you want when it comes to love. Your outlook is a work in progress -- rapid progress, for now -- so it's vital that you keep your core values front and center. - Shine

I’m a woman who definitely believes in compromise (now, loll), and it took some time and some hard falls in love to reach this point. However, when it comes to two individuals naturally walking different paths in life; at what point does such compromise alter who you are? Those core values are everything you stand for. They help map out the DNA in from which you are designed. Is it okay for you to “sit down” for love? Honestly, what good comes out of making it so far in your personal life to forget why you stand so tall today? Love is powerful. It moves and changes people for good and for bad. I believe when you’re trying to “fit” in love with another individual there is some molding that’s involved to sculpt you into that perfect piece of art in the eyes of the other person. Honestly speaking, I love my art just the way it is. This may be coming from the sprinkled about bitter debris, but I’ve lost sight of who I was for the likes of love (or lack thereof) one too many times.

I’ve changed completely for love, because I felt like such changes would keep the other person IN love. I’ve zipped my mouth shut, I’ve taken blame in falsely accused situations, I’ve lowered my caliber of thinking, I’ve shallowed the depths of my thoughts, I’ve re-arranged my life’s plans, I’ve ignored my family, I’ve ignored my friends, I’ve ignored my conscience, I’ve even altered my faith for failed attempts at love in my past. All of which took me not to be proud of then, to be proud of who I am today. So excuse me if I want to bask in the ambiance of a little success, happiness, confidence, and peace of mind. At my lowest points; I never thought I’d make it to take my next breath, let alone THIS stage in my womanhood.

You can't break your neck to satisfy everybody, because everybody damn sure ain't doing it for you! To live & love is worth a lot, but to live, love AND stay true to who you are is priceless! - T. Nicole

So without assumption, over analyzing, and/or technicality; simply put, I love me and who I’ve become. I know for a fact that it will take a woman on this same caliber of love for herself to accept who I am one hundred percent. I’ll wait…

Impressions

You know how to give the benefit of the doubt, but you also need to view people realistically. Don't forget how important first impressions can be -- you need to pay attention to your feelings. - Shine (Love & Relationships)

 

It's said that they mean everything. The beginning stage of a single memory is an impression. Without impressions there would be nothing to be intrigued by. Life would have no mystery. Life would be a exactly what it is; with no questions asked. Bottom line; life would be rather dull to say the least. Words that come out of an individuals mouth can be very powerful. They can be life altering. They can take your gray skies, and turn them blue again. Those words can be the greatest of truths, but they can also be the boldest of lies.

Depending on the importance of the encounter; we usually put on our best behavior for the occasion. It's like wearing your best Sunday clothes on a Tuesday; it means THAT much at THAT moment. That first moment. Our ears and minds are erect; standing at attention. We don't want to miss a beat. It's an adrenaline rush, and you want everything you say to be heard; whether it be the truth or a lie. Whatever is cleaver huh? In fact, if you can get past this first impression; some part of you has won the other person over either way.

Realistically speaking, a person's words to impress, are just words. That person may very well be capable of putting those exact words into action. That person could also have every intention of putting those words into action. Expectations often times lead to disappointment. So to expect every word to be true might be fault on your behalf. Giving the benefit of the doubt is beautiful, because everyone is different. However, humans are humans. I can't begin to name all of the wonderful first impressions that I've had that turned out to be nothing than I could ever imagine. The most simple recipe for any encounter; EXPECT NOTHING!

Between every lie are traces of the truth. Listen closely and watch carefully. Listen to your first mind; no matter how fast and how loud your heart might be beating. For when that beat begins to even out, and that sound isn't so loud; you might be left with the shattering sounds of reality. “Human kind cannot bear very much reality.” – T.S. Eliot; Four Quartets, Burnt Norton. So just like the first time you took your first hit, swallow, or sniff of any type of controlling substance; that unnatural high can lead you down a very deceiving and destructive path.

Stay true to yourself above all else. Make sure you're ready for what you choose to face. Make sure you're willing to accept everything you ask for. If you selflessly claim to love another individual, show them through constant action rather than your words. What you tell them on day 1 honestly doesn't matter on day 999, because if it's true; whatever they asked you on the first day; they'll proudly say again on 999th day. The greatest impressions are followed by consistency. By all means, impress me. Approach me with your best, because you better believe I'm standing before you doing the same. Just remember, you can only stretch a lie so far. The truth is everlasting.

**Only a matter of time before the meaning to what was lost is revealed. Hence the word everlasting; so technically what was stepped over will still be there when that time comes.**

The Figurative Heart

Genesis 3:5 – “For God knows that in the very day of your eating from it your eyes will be opened and you are bound to be like God, knowing good and bad.” (This is what Satan in the form of a serpent told Eve about the tree of knowledge of good and bad)

In my opinion, this is the most pivotal moment in the history of humankind. The day our fore parents gained knowledge of good and bad; is the day all of humankind was cursed. The innocent mind was then erased, and filled with mini parasites forming fearful and wicked thoughts. Needless to say, this is what makes it very hard to maintain peace of mind. The brain is constantly turning. Constantly producing thoughts both good and bad. Back in the day of our fore parents; man had no life decisions. God worked very hard for six days creating, furnishing, and perfecting the earth for mankind. He set one rule that He expected to be obeyed by man. As long as this rule was obeyed; our fore parents could live about freely and peacefully throughout the Garden of Eden. Unfortunately, that rule was disobeyed, and the forbidden fruit was partaken.



Thus, here we are. All offspring of our fore parents living in this sinful world. Filled with both good and bad. Our eyes are opened wide shut! Roaming about the wicked earth aimlessly and blind; trying to survive each day. Life’s battles come hard and they come fast. The battle in the mind is what bruises us the most. Knowledge; what we think we know and what we know nothing about. What we happen to gain from certain knowledge through life’s battles, is wisdom.

"We are not what we look like, we are not how physically strong we are, and we are not the knowledge we have memorized. We are, what we are, because of what we do with what we have become. You can feed two people with the same food and teach them with the same teachers and they will each process the information differently. It is only when a parent or a teacher reaches the persons heart that he becomes empowered to become more than he was, and he is empowered to keep becoming more than he is." - Stephen Kishel

Using the good sense God gave me; I’m brought to a time in my own personal life where I have to cover myself. Take the knowledge that I have; both good and bad, and run with it. Just as my fore parents did when they realized their bodies were exposed to all around them. Face to face with my own reality; I must gather my tools and decipher between the good and bad within. Friends and foes. Priorities and options. Dreams and nightmares. Reality and fantasy. Love and hate. Life and death. My mother reminded me over this past weekend that the literal heart can be deceiving, but the figurative heart has to be trained. In a figurative sense my current reality has caused my heart to become so battered and bruised. It’s time to take a step back as an artist in life, and re-evaluate what I’ve created thus far on my life’s painting. It’s beyond time for a different stroke. Time to change my scene, upgrade my reality, and train my figurative heart to become much more than what I already am.

Stage Play

It's 5am, and I'm up listening to Donny; smoking. It's been a pretty lonely weekend. This might be a self pitty party I'm throwing over here, but I just haven't wanted to be bothered lately. I feel like my smiles have been a bit fake, and I refuse to take anyone on my usual "rebound journey". That always ends up biting me in the ass. The whole "don't chase em'; replace em'" attitude. It's the most easiest way to get over a heartache of any kind. Validation is the key right? Because, that's what you lose sight of when your heart is broken. Your value. Your worth. Your reason for being.

It's crazy just how fast you can lose sight of these things too. The heart can be very deceiving when it battles with the mind. Each day gets better. My slowly nursing myself back to my usual nonchalant self. Me and love have been through some battles man! Love has been like a stage play for me. I'll audition for the best leading lady for the role, and you better believe she knocked me dead in her audition. The play will be a hit for the first couple of months (if it lasts that long), but then the actress starts to show her true character. Her acting skills vanished. Not too soon after that; the curtains close. Then I'm back to auditioning for another leading lady for yet another stage play.

These leading ladies were merely playing their role. Maybe it's me that flips the script though. I've played with love alot in my past. I've turned my back on it. I've said it in vain. I've taken it for granted. I've misused and abused it. I've taken it to the top of the charts, and body slammed it back down to the bottom. The older I get; the more I yearn for the real thing. No stage play. No actresses. No props. No audience. No curtains. I don't want some 1 to 4 month fling. I want to put in some real time with a real and genuine person. I'm content with my life right now. It's been quite some time since I've been able to actually say that. I still have this void. A void love has busted wide open! The past couple of relationships these voids were still there even when love was in the picture. Or something I thought was love.

Recently, I've got to experience a type of love that finally filled that forever growing void. My whole world was turned upside down with this love. It was the happiest I had ever been, and that love came into my life like a thief in the night. Robbed me for my heart. Gave me everything I desired. Told me everything I wanted to hear. Wasn't afraid to tell me what I didn't want to hear. Loved me for me, and simply because; I loved it. Turned my house into a home. Shared my space. Invaded my mind, body and soul. Then...it left quicker than it came. Left me with this stranger. This empty being. This faceless soul. Pages of the script blowing in the whirlwind around us. Another actress. Another stage play. Another audience. Curtains close.

I can't blame anybody for that though. Especially not the stranger. She was just playing her role. Now here I am with this battle. Accepting the fact that the curtains are closed. The leading lady is gone. More than likely; on to another play. On a different tour. With a new writer. A new script. Or maybe it's the same old script. Either way; she played the hell out of her part. Standing ovation. Never did I once want those curtains to close. Never did I ever once want to wake out of the dream I was living in. Never did I once thing the feeling would fade this time. Not on my part, and I'm proud to say; it didn't. But I quickly found out; I wasn't directing this one. What I felt honestly meant nothing this time around. It's like someone poured hot coffee all over the script and the ink bled from the pages. Blank. Empty. Unfulfilled. There goes that void again.

She started reading from a different script on me though. I didn't have a copy of this one. I was still stuck on the old script. I knew it by heart. Everything in her script went against everything in my heart. She was no longer reading from her heart. I honestly don't know if she ever was. Perhaps that's why it was so easy for her to forget. So easy for her to get her hands on another script. Imagine how frustrating that is. Lots of people have been in situations like this. They happen all of the time. The one reading from the heart usually is the only one that gets knocked down emotionally. The one who loses sight of his/her value, worth, and reason for being.

So here I am. 6am. Can't sleep; thinking about my last leading lady. I'm still stuck in the whirlwind. Pages of the empty script flying all around me. I'm here alone. Same script etched in my heart. I've grown tired of forcing my heart back into the strangers hands. The bottom line; she shares the same stage as I, but she's reading from a different scripts. All I have is whats in my heart.

Love On A One-Way Street

What is love without compromise? What is love without communication? What is love without some sort of understanding? What is love without patience? What is love without trust? Clearly, love isn't SHIT without all of these ingredients. It becomes frustrating, heartbreaking and downright stressful. Feels as if you're going down that one-way the WRONG way!

I'm going to save the rest of my thoughts and feelings for my private blog!

Wanna Be Loved

Jill Scott "Wanna Be Loved"

Don't feel no pity for me

Cause I'm going through a couple things,

Life means change,

That's the way it goes,goes

All my life I had a constant burning

A strong deep,desire

An aching ambiguous,yearning,yearning,

yearning

For something better

For something bigger

For something wider

For something higher

And lots of regrets

Cause I ain't seem to found it yet

I've been searching around the world

Never knowing what to expect

I get sad sometimes

Yes I be mad sometimes

Cause I'm out here on the grind

Making mine

And I still can't seem to find

What I've been looking for

Opened so many doors

For real,yo

I just wanna be loved...

[Chorus:]

I just wanna be loved

Like everybody else does

I just wanna be loved

Like many people; I love me some Jill Scott. This song has been hitting home for quite some time now. I'm a content place in my life right now. There are many things I still need to work on, but I'm content. My work will never be done in life. I'll always have something to work on, but I'm finally content with who I am, and where I am in life. I have this deep, deep yearning for love. It's screwing with my heart, because it keeps coming so close I can actually feel it. Then...it slips away.

I want an unconditional and 50/50 type of love. I want to spend my time with someone. I want to spend my nights talking to someone. I want to spend my entire weekends with someone. I want to go places, travel and see new things. I want to go out and be social with my mate. I want to cuddle at home, and spend lazy Sunday's watching movies. I don't want any unnecessary drama. I want to be listened to. I want to be understood. I want to be appreciated for all of my efforts in trying to keep the love alive. I want to be loved. REAL LOVE! I want it to last...

In The Blink of an Eye

I blinked and there you were

standing right before me

with a smile upside down

a heart pieced together

a spirit as light as a feather

a beauty in my eyes

a treasure in my mind

I blinked and there you were

a dream it had to be

with a smile bright as the sun

a heart with all voids filled

a spirit that could change a life

my life

a beauty in my eyes

a treasure in my mind

I blinked and there you were

a lie it had to be

with a frown so ugly

a heart so cold

a spirit so evil it damage a soul

my soul

still a beauty in my eyes

a treasure lost in my mind

I blinked and there you went

an illusion it was

my smile now upside down

my heart left in pieces

a spirit gone in a downward spiral

a fool in my own eyes

a treasure stolen from my own mind

Take Your Time

To understand another human takes exceptional skills in listening and patience. It also takes a very broad mind to do so as well. Forgetting everything that you may know, and absorbing what makes that other person tick. Becoming a pupil in one's class of life; learning the DNA, the paths (good and bad), the loves, the hates, and the genetic traits. A person's background; mental, physical and spiritual is an eye opener to their current being. All things intriguing nonetheless.

"You need to understand this new hottie before committing to anything more than 'hello.' Make the effort, no matter what, even though you may discover quite a few odd or off-putting surprises." - Yahoo's Shine

Taking the much needed time, and slowing down long enough to actually DATE someone is hard now days. The earth seems to be spinning at rapid speeds, and our hearts can't seem to keep up with our minds. Time is still the most important factor in love. It takes time to birth it. It takes time to build it. It takes time to maintain it. It takes time to ruin it, and it takes time to heal it. Losing your mind in an illusion of love is easy to do. Trust me, I know. However, my daddy always told me to check the car facts! That shinny new coat doesn't reveal where that band spankin' new car came from. What roads did it take to reach it's current destination? Better yet, how much baggage is in the trunk? Am I prepared to take over the responsibilities of keeping up the maintenance of this car? Did the previous owner take good care of it? How much money would I have to put into keeping this used car running? Play close attention to the front details, and what might be possibly laying beneath them.

"Baby slow down just take your time. You and me gon' be here for awhile, okay." - Mos Def "The Panties"