Acquiescence

Waving the white flag

surrendering to my thoughts

In complete submission to you

A victory you win over and over again

I wish you’d collect your prize already

And leave

But I surrender

Distance has no space

Time has no tick

Submerged in numbing tranquility

A silence so piercing

totally blinding the mind’s eye

I wish you’d feel this pain I feel

And leave

But I surrender

Fill my mind with your ever being

Overflow my eyes with your beauty

Replay every memory shared with you

Over and over

Again and again

Fill me up with the lies

Because you know the truth kills me

Please don’t leave

I surrender

This white flag I wave

Stained with the blood of my heart

All I have are these memories

Living vicariously through these fantasies

I surrender to every thought of you

Painfully indulged in silent … acquiescence

Copyright © 2011 T. Nicole

The Jaded Truth

Slowly falling out of love, but still in love with being in love. As days go by, less and less thoughts are devoted to my past. I'm enjoying this conscious journey, and it's a very humbling experience to say the least. My senses are at an indescribable peak. I've seemed to have fallen in love with a lot of things that I'd forgotten about while on my dead end chase of hopeless fantasies. It's been really nice to get back to the basics, but there are still old habits lurking in the shadows. Whoever said those suckers die hard wasn't lying! I'm focused though nonetheless. I've come too far to turn back now.

Yesterday, I found out one of my exes were getting married. I had mixed feelings about that discovery. Her and I talk via messenger everyday during the week, and she didn't tell me this. I don't think she would've told me at all actually. Our relationship is very....questionable. I definitely know that she doesn't consider me a friend. I really don't know where I stand in her life. I have still proven that I'd do anything for her, and come to her side when I felt I was needed. However, I still feel like I'm held at a distance greater than necessary. Our conversation has dwindled down to a mere "good morning" everyday. I don't really know the motive or point of her coming back around. It all started over again so...familiar, but quickly changed. I'm in that "stranger" category again. It's annoying. I do NOT like being skeptical of where I stand in a person's life. Especially, when I know exactly where they stand in mine. I did wish her the best after I discovered the news. I'm completely in dark about that relationship, and that's very well since it's none of my business. I have my own thoughts about the whole thing, but they are clearly irrelevant. Much peace and many blessings to their new journey either way.

My current thoughts on love are still quite jaded. I have that bitter taste resting comfortably on my taste buds. I have faith in His plan for me, so therefore I hold no regret in my heart. However, I'm still irritated with all the time spent and the events of my love life over the past two years. There is so many things I would've done differently, and damn sure some things I wouldn't have done at all. It's all part of the plan though. I'm supposed to be where I'm at in life and love right now. These thoughts and feelings I'm having are all right on schedule. The one sided burned bridge torched by the current face of love is a pre-written event in my book of life. There is probable reason behind it. So to question it would be absurd actually. Especially, if I have so much trust in my future. As hard as it is to grasp for me; I know that everybody is not meant to stay in your world for a lifetime. That's a sad truth.

Right now I honestly have no interest in meeting anyone new. Depending on the surfaced motive, I might turn them away if they came around at this point. Actually, I've already done that twice thus far. I just don't have much trust in people anymore. I've been hyped up on faulty loyalty one time too many. I'm over it. I'm loving this time spent with self. Falling in love with myself again has been amazing. I've missed my smile, and I see that again every morning when I wake up. I just don't want to get familiar with the life of a stranger, and after the time is invested they end up being everything they portrayed themselves not to be. Right now, I'm good. My happiness is growing within every waking moment. I'm just consciously speaking on the aftermath of it all.

Peace.

The Law Of Life

I'm extremely excited about the start of this new month. November, welcomed in the warmest manner ever when I opened my eyes this morning. I felt as if I woke up with a squeaky clean slate. Even cleaner than the one I woke up with yesterday morning. The bible says that every new day is promised its own set of anxieties, but I didn't feel that way this morning. I felt brand new. I reflected on the past two experiences of October, and all in between. The changes are GREAT, and very distinct. I remember a dark point in last month when I desperately prayed to God, and asked him to just take it all back. I didn't think I could go on living with certain memories. As hard as I was trying, and as far as I had come; I just wasn't reaching what I felt was the end of turmoil fast enough. He did me one better though. Instead, He saw me through, and provided me with a new beginning. I'm very thankful to say the least. 


Although, I'm closing some chapters in my life that I never even imagined would run out of a place for words; change is indeed the law of life. Change never really has to have a negative connotation, but as a human filled with fears; it sometimes seems like the WORST. I'm trying to live each day in a more conscious manner. Holding myself 100% accountable for all of my actions. I just feel I have to be totally aware in order to change in the most positive way set out. I understand that I not only have to change my everyday ways, but my entire way of thinking. I have quite a bit of things to spill, but I think I'll chill. Bottom line, my current goal is to become 100% emotionally unavailable to my past. I've held it accountable for the current conditions of my mind and heart for far too long. If I'm blessed to see today; then the things of yesterday shouldn't hold me down for any reason at all. The past has indeed played it's part in my life, and it's chewed me up, spit me out into the present. I choose to get up, and walk with a different stride, and keep a smile plastered on my face. 

"Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or

present are certain to miss the future."

 - John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Another Dawn

"It's a little late now to fix a heart that's broken. Please don't ask me where I'm going. I don't know. No I don't know anymore...." - Corinne Bailey Rae

It's a new day brightened with a new sun. The friends and foes are blended together as one. So therefore, the road in which I choose is a lonely one. So many opinions, so many suggestions, and so many perceptions. I honestly don't know where to turn, and I'd be a fool to believe in another breathing being. At the end of everyday, nobody comes home to my empty house and nobody has to survive any of my sleepless nights. So many of my feelings invalidated by the ignorance of people. My struggle is steady being knocked left and right, because it's foreign to the outside universe of myself. There's so much truth within the words I choose NOT to speak. In reality, living one day with the same heart and mind of mine would kill the next muthafucka'. Go one day with what I go through, and THEN tell me I'm not strong. I try my best to spare feelings nowadays; all the while the rest "oh well" and never-mind mine. Humph, shmucks.

"Joy cometh in the morning." Or so it's said, and so I pray before I retire to bed. I await a new dawn that will totally demolish my past, tidy up my current, and light up my future. The current mistakes that I'm making, hmm well; consequently, it's my own heart that I'm breaking. However, I have to learn my own lessons in life, in love. I have to fight the battles I'm too stubborn to give to God. My patience is ran thin in waiting for Him to bring it all to an end. I'm in the ring one deep, the gloves are on, and I'm kicking my own ASS. Knowing better results in doing better. However, depending on the doer; it's sometimes easier said than done. Speaking of, one day soon I will be DONE. What doesn't need to matter....WON'T in the very near future. Until then, I go through what I go through, and I survive. That is done by my damn SELF! Even the closest ones don't call my phone to check on me. The lonely road conditions me with a strength unreachable to most. I'm learning more and more everyday that what I yearn for in others, is damn sure not what I need. That's another perception severely crushed by the reality God keeps me currently keeps me submerged in. I find a reason to smile everyday. Sometimes not all day, but at least once on the worst day. Myself and God sees my progress even when nobody else does. So what's understood between us, doesn't need to be explained. Right now, I'm just praying for another dawn....

P.S. - Days can sometimes get weary even on the freedom train. Don't get it twisted, and know that I'm STILL holding my ticket.

I'm just testing my blogger app in how it post pictures. I took these pics at the Houston Museum of Natural Science.

The Expected

Today I feel rather blah. I've been having such a positive week. Trying to remain focused on my goals, and keeping my energy focused on what is liable to get me further in life. However, the expected is occurring; I miss the feeling. I can't say I miss her, because I haven't had the pleasure of her in months. The addiction of love can oh so easily cross the line of misery. Especially, if the love you miss turned out to be the very cause of your pain. So I miss the feeling of misery? I mean because, that's all it adds up to.
I had the same feelings when I was trying to get over my ex. It's such a guilty feeling, because I know I shouldn't be feeling it. It's to be expected though. I just have to pray and shake it off. I refuse to give into the temptation of the skeletons of my past. Besides, I've already given way too much of myself to my past. Now I owe everything I have left to my future. This too shall pass.
Still aboard this Freedom Train, and trusting in His route !

A Liberated Destiny

Now boarding the freedom train.

In the musical bliss of Coltrane.
Growth sprouting from my pain.
Clear sunny skies & no rain.
To remain shackled…

Would be a damn shame!

These past couple of days have been clear and breezy, like a bright sunny day. My mind surprisingly didn’t have a cloud in sight. It’s like my heart caught a severe case of amnesia, and appeared to be everything less than heavy. Simply put, I feel good. This is, despite the constant troubles of the world we live in today. Respect and peace to Troy Davis, by the way. But “ain’t nobody worryin’” right? RIGHT. Smh.

I feel like I’d been up for parole, and my release date came EARLY. Being psychologically and emotionally shackled can shake the soul and damage the body in more ways than one. “Slowly, surely I walk away from” & enough is enough! As fucked up as the world is; it’s still a sight to see! It’s constantly turning, and it has been doing so without me! I’m trying to maintain a humble sprit on this slow journey to freedom, but I’m so close, I can taste it. & it tastes G O O D !

Just call me Harriet Tubman, because I got my ticket & I’m riding one deep on this FREEDOM TRAIN!

The Explanation

I’ve been trying to find a way to start this blog again, and keep it going. I’ve seemed to have lost the momentum in my passion. Life has been a bit of a struggle; not only in love, but in many aspects of my life. I thought I lost my muse. I thought I lost my will. I thought I lost my ambition. I thought I lost my drive. I even thought I lost my faith. I forgot about my dreams. I forgot about my future. I ignored my present, and I’ve been stumbling over the skeletons of my past. I’ve been out here hustling. On a diehard hustle for love. I’ve been chasing love all of this time. I’ve been handing my heart over to strangers, and holding them responsible for the great loss of myself. Looking for love in all the wrong places. Isn’t that what they say? Well, I’ve been in the wrong place, on the wrong day, and at the wrong time.

The pieces of me are scattered about my past. On the different coordinates of the map. On the routes I chose to take in love. With every tear, every sleepless night, every ache, and every pain; I lost a little piece of me. I went against everything I believed in. The core values of the woman that I am still resides inside of me, and I’ve been trying so hard to redeem myself. The year is rounding near it’s end, and I have a goal to meet. I’ve peeled back every layer of myself, and I feel so vulnerable and exposed to the world. I feel like when people look at me; they see every flaw, blemish and bruise. They see all my pain and they can smell my weaknesses from afar. There has been a fear set in me, and it’s caused me to just….stop. I’ve been so caught up in the superficial thrills of “love” diluted and polluted with illusion and lust. Constantly drowning in the shallow waters on a lonely beach.

I’ve lost my damn mind…

There’s no one else to blame, but me. I’ve been existing in a reality below my potential. My standards have been tremendously lowered, and intertwined within the excuse of comfortableness. I’ve been settling for less. Taking any old thing from any old body. Life has just been…blah. Chasing love gave me a bit of a challenge; or so I thought, but in reality I just ended up putting too much focus in the wrong people. All I did was end up hurting myself, and ended up losing more of myself every time. My mind has been nothing less than idle. I’ve had very little mental stimulation, and my thoughts have become chaotic. The outcome; I’m  an emotional wreck. On the contrary, there is a different me on the other side of this mountain, and I’m anxious to see the woman in the mirror beyond the alps. This reckless journey was not traveled in vain. All that I thought was lost and forgotten, still exists. Oh and my muse? It still resides everywhere around. It seeps from the positive energy and light brought forth from my friends and family. It exists behind the melody, within the lyrics; soulfully bouncing throughout the music . My muse still resides in….ME.

I’ll never stop hustling in life and love. My perception is a bit more clear now, but I’ll remain in solitude until I can shake off this last bit of debris from my garments. No regrets, because we all need a little bit of dirt to grow. Now, I choose to travel forth with no rear views. I respect and accept all that is my past. It helped mold and shape me into who I am. My value is greater than it’s ever been. However, I refuse to look back on anything and anyone NOT looking back at me. What’s done is done, and it’s all been charged to the game of life and love. 

In It To Win It

Love has chewed me up and spat me out, but I'm still standing. I won't give up on love, because I know God has a definite plan for me. All the crap I have endured over the years; I know that whenever it comes, it'll be great.

This has to be by far the longest test in patience yet, lol. It's becoming harder and harder to separate the real from the fake. Everyone who says the word doesn't mean the word. Infatuation is a muthafucka. That temporary love seems to be what I keep getting wrapped in. Not temporary on my part, but the part of the one I mistakenly put my trust in. The love I'm constantly giving I can't seem to get in return. I'm no longer bitter. I'm trying to remain humble. Although I slip up from time to time.

The loves real and fake who have come and gone, conditioned me. Taught me great lessons no doubt. I'm still in it to win it though. In the end I will get who I deserve.

Back To The Hustle

I've got to get back to my passion. I've been living life. I've been hustling in this love scene, and I've got plenty of stories to tell. I'm just a believer that you have to live it fully before you tell it. I feel as if I've almost reached steady grounds. I'll be back...

Lonely Love

Love is or it ain't. Thin love ain't love at all. - Toni Morrison

Somebody asked me the other day if I've ever had the feeling of being in love alone. Unfortunately my answer was yes. The feeling is almost indescribable. It brings about a pain so great when faced with the reality of it all. Being lonely in love is very common in a lot of relationships. One of the partner's feelings reaches a specific destination before the others. It can be a very frustrating and challenging experience. It will take a lot of patience to get through, if able. Sometimes the other partner's feelings never arrive to that destination. Love is apart of life, and it's all a gamble. You just never know what you're getting into. You never know what you'll get out of it if anything at all.

Lately, I've been on an emotional roller coaster with love. My feelings are wanting to rum at rapid speeds to this destination unknown, but I know I'll be leaving behind those feelings of another. All was laid out on the table what was ready to be faced and what wasn't. Two souls on different pages, however we face the same direction. Only one of us might get there before the other if such feelings aren't slowed down. I truly don't want to experience the feeling of being in love alone again. For once, I want to see eye to eye with my partner, and head down our destined path together in love.

Year's End:Year's Beginning - New Directon for Love

Here we are, another year has ended, and another year has begun. This past year in love has been very disappointing for me. More illusions, more impostors, and more parodies of the real thing. In which, I haven't got a chance to experience again. Although, I didn't get where I wanted to get in love this past year; it wasn't a complete failure. I learned a lot. Many lessons came about from what was and what could've been. I lost a lot of time, money and energy on some very unworthy and ungrateful people. These facts I cannot change, and if anything, they taught me not to settle for less. I lowered my standards something serious last year. Not just in love, but in many situations in my life. I refuse to do that this year. This will require me leaving things and people in the dust. I'm still facing reality, but I'm facing it with a different mindset. No longer am I facing it in fear.

This year I plan to take love in a totally different direction. It's love for myself above all else. I'm one who has been known to get lost in love. Distracted in love. I've been known to be no good in love. I lose all sense of what's REAL. I vowed to never do that again after my last relationship. I've chosen not to rush this love thing. I'm in a situation right now; where I feel like I can't get what I want. This is only God's way of telling me that I don't NEED it right now. I hear Him loud and clear. I've decided to redirect my focus. I have so many things I want to accomplish in life. I can't put them on hold for love anymore. I've been worrying about the wrong things and the wrong people for quite some time now. Some might consider my new direction as being somewhat of a silent ultimatum, and that's okay. I'm making major choices for myself this year, and it's going to be up to those around me if they want to be in my life or not. I'm honestly not letting that be a concern of mine anymore. People come and they go, and those who choose to go; were never meant to be here longer than the amount of time they were anyway.

The wheels are set in motion. I have to make a difference this year. I want that ever lasting feeling. I want to stand tall on solid grounds. I want to strengthen the roots holding up my tree of life. I want to branch out. I want to learn more and more as the seasons change around me. No more talking.....just time to get the ball rolling. Oh and if you love me like you say you so; make sure you don't let me roll right pass you.